FROM FIGHTING INFERTILITY TO FIGHTING BREAST CANCER

In October 2010, I did a story about a celebrity couple, Giuliana and Bill Rancic, who has their own reality show on the Style Network, chronicling their struggles with infertility and their attempts at invitro-fertilization, to hopefully have the family they so want.

See story at http://onereachinganother.blogspot.com/2010/10/we-have-indeed-come-long-way.html

Turns out, on their second attempt at invitro-fertilization, (the first sadly ended in a miscarriage), Giuliana was diagnosed with early stage breast cancer and has now announced that she will be doing a double mastectomy, as this is the only option which gives the cancer a less than 1% chance of returning.

Tears came to my eyes as I watch her make the announcement along with her very supportive husband Bill. When asked how this would impact on their plans to have children, Giuliana said, she has to choose life at this point and further said that her husband, when they were in discussing their options about the cancer, said to her, “I just want you around for another 50 years kid, so let’s just get you healthy.”

This is a tough one, and I am now realising how good I had it, even though I thought that my days struggling with infertility were some of the darkest, but if cancer was thrown into the mix, I am pretty sure those days would be even darker.

This couple is in my prayers, as I ask for God’s favour on their lives.

Post image by: http://t0.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcQLxeKCiBrts8neGCFHowyHFG_SBmSM43XYMtt2bWQ0-TCKDO1n

HAVING CHILDREN LATER IN LIFE

image by:http://i.telegraph.co.uk/

It is recommended that couples start their families in their twenties, because at that time women are more fertile and better able to deal with the demands of motherhood and parenting.

This is very true, but many of us struggling with infertility, or have ever struggled with infertility, have not much choice in this matter, and as a result find ourselves starting our families much later in life.

The risks of getting pregnant  later in life cannot be ignored.  There is the risk of certain birth defects e.g. Down Syndrome. There is the risk of miscarriage, pre-eclampsia, babies with low birth weight among others and so there is much anxiety for women who find themselves pregnant later in their lives.

Regardless of this however, women are still becoming pregnant at this stage in their lives. I had my son at 39 and later said I would try for another up to the age of 43. I know of many other women who have had children at this age and even older. In Hollywood, there are a lot of older mothers, Halle Berry who gave birth to daughter Nahla at 41,  Mariah Carey who just gave birth to twins at age 40, and everyone will remember Kelly Preston, who gave birth to her third child in December, at the ripe old age of 47. There is also recent news, that Carla Brunni, first lady of France is currently expecting, at age 43. I remember when I had my miscarriage in 2009, I was 41, then and was telling someone about my ordeal, who was quick to ask, ‘is it safe for you to get pregnant at your age?’ I was not sure if I was to feel offended or not, but I knew she only said that, because of what she was socialized to believe about women and pregnancy, and is not able to think outside of the box.

I guess many women, including myself are simply just thinking that other older women get through their pregnancies, successfully, so we can too and choose to take a positive attitude in this regard. Kelly Preston said, she did not think about the risks, she just thought that it would be difficult.

Pregnancy, on a whole, regardless of your age comes with many risks and so if older women should reflect on the risks only, they would never go on to have the families, they want. The key to any successful pregnancy, later in life, I believe, is being as healthy as you possibly can, before and during  your pregnancy, staying as close as possible to your doctor and most of all, having a very positive attitude.

ALL THE VERY BEST IN YOUR DECISION TO BECOME AN OLDER MOM.

D and Cs AND INFERTILITY

image by: http://static.howstuffworks.com

During my struggles with infertility, I had one D&C (Dilation and Curettage) and I had fears that this could further add to my infertility issues. Fortunately, it did not. When I had my last miscarriage two years ago, I was so relieved  when my doctor opted that I allow my body to expel the pregnancy naturally, as this same fear was once again present.

Turns out my fear is justified as D&C’s can lead to infertility or if you are already suffering with infertility, could further compromise your chances to get pregnant, due to scarring in the womb following such surgery.

A fellow blogger is kind enough to do a post on this subject.  Why not check it out.

http://infertility-fertility.blogspot.com/2011/04/how-d-and-cs-may-leave-you-infertile.html

I AM SENDING SOME FLOWERS TODAY

Children are a gift from the Lord; they are a reward from him.

Children born to a young man are like sharp arrows in a warrior’s hand

Psalm 127: 3 and 4

“HOPE MAKES ALL THE DIFFERENCE"

A friend of ours had a miscarriage a couple of days ago.  She was in the eighth month of her pregnancy. I saw her when she was in her seventh month and she was looking so radiant and happy.

 Her lost was a result of placental abruption, which unfortunately took her precious baby’s life and sent her into renal failure.When I heard the news, I could not hold back the tears as memories of my own experience in 2007 (losing a pregnancy in my seventh month), came flooding in.

This is made even more difficult for her because she is yet to break the news to an eagerly waiting three year old sibling and she herself has not started mourning as yet, because she is still in the hospital and from experience, probably is still in the shock and numb stage.

Our hearts go out to this family because there are no words to ease such gripping pain, but just kind thoughts and prayers.

And so, I am sending them flowers today.

ANGER AND INFERTILITY

Children are a gift from the Lord; they are a reward from him.

Children born to a young man are like sharp arrows in a warrior’s hand

Psalm 127: 3 & 4

"HOPE MAKES ALL THE DIFFERENCE"

Infertility made me angry and sometimes I just could not deal with the fact that I was so angry. I was most times angry at God, for giving me the cross of infertility to carry. I was also angry at him because he made women with nurturing qualities and then this is frustrated because that which we need to nurture is being withheld from us. Why was he taking so long to fix this, when I was so earnestly praying to him and he can fix things with just the flick of a finger.

I was angry because so many things in my daily travail of life, reminded me of what I wanted so much, a baby, a family of my own.


But, is all this anger and stress good for our trying to conceive efforts? No, they are not, they just add to the problem, because the body needs to be a healthy place to conceive and grow our precious little ones. I knew this, I knew this so much, but I just could not help how I was feeling.


I remember when I was at (what I believe was the darkest point in my struggles), a conflict arose in my family(largely due to frustration from my struggles with infertility) and I strongly believe it was this conflict that is responsible for the birth of my son. My family finally found out about the pain I was in for so long, and could not talk to them about it, and this was a great part of the stress that I was experiencing. I could not deal with the fact that I had such a loving family, so close to me, yet was struggling alone.

This took a great big load off my shoulders and I was finally able to exhale. I was finally able to release a big part of the stress I was facing, because those who I love most, could now understand and support me as I so deserved. I became pregnant very shortly, and after a miscarriage, became pregnant soon after again, and subsequently, gave birth to a healthy beautiful son.

Anger and stress, as a result of infertility is understandable, but we should remember that they can further delay the arrival of what we want so much, a child and so, (as difficult as this may be ), we should try to remember this. Take some time to exhale then, scream if you want to, cry, whatever it takes to lessen some if this anger and stress at times.


I am finding now that when I write on issues that has to do with the emotional struggles of infertility, on my blog, I still find a little bit of anger creeping in. I guess after being angry for the better part of a decade, it takes time to get over it, even though I am not sure that I will completely be rid of it, because when I think back at the pain I was in, and what I was subjected to as a result of infertility, I must admit, there is still a little anger there, but this often vanish with just one glimpse of my son.


Whenever I read some of the posts of my fellow bloggers who are currently struggling with infertility, and see the anger that is there, I understand all too well and my heart goes out to them even more.


Here is a post from a fellow blogger who speaks on this issue as well, and please find a link at the bottom of her post, which speaks about anger and infertility.


http://infertility-fertility.blogspot.com/2010/04/infertility-makes-you-angry.html

Be encouraged, therefore and until next time, keep clinging to hop

 

WHY THE ANGER????????

Children are a gift from the Lord; they are a reward from him.
Children born to a young man are like sharp arrows in a warrior’s hand
Psalm 127: 3 & 4

"HOPE MAKES ALL THE DIFFERENCE"

I have been watching for the past year as America’s Health Care Reform unfolds and has gotten really ugly over the last couples of days, especially since it was passed on Sunday.

What really has my attention now though, is how angry some people are. Opposition is good and does promote healthy politics, but not when it results in what is currently happening. We should be able to disagree without being disagreeable. I know people are angry and anger is a God-given right for each and every one of us, but what is important, is how we deal with this anger. We should not allow ourselves to get to the point where we lose control of our selves, and say things that causes hurt and even long term damage.

The fact that this is being played out in an environment where it has no place, is even sadder. These people who are elected to serve with a certain degree of dignity, self control and respect for themselves and who they serve, should be able to restrain themselves, if only for this reason.
The other thing is, what example are we setting for our children who are watching everyday as politics is played out in its ugliest of form. One day, we might find that there will be no one to run our dear countries, because our children are so turned off by what they are currently seeing. Then, we would definitely have a problem.

Come on people, we owe it to ourselves, our children and the land we serve, to do better, as this is very much unacceptable, at least in my eyes.

My readers, I know this has nothing to do with infertility, (or does it, because we do face anger throughout our infertility struggle and even more anger when a miscarriage becomes part of the process), but I just had to get it off my chest.

Catch you for my next post.

Cellular phones link to miscarriage

“Children are a gift from the Lord; they are a reward from him.
Children born to a young man are like sharp arrows in a warrior’s hand.”
Psalm 127: 3 & 4

I received an email a few weeks ago about a woman who carries around her cell phone in the pocket of her jacket. It turns out she kept having recurring miscarriages, as soon as she was three months into the pregnancy, she would miscarry. This miscarriage was traced back to the fact that because she carries her cell phone in the pocket of her jacket, the radiation from the cell phone has badly affected her reproductive system.

I have heard too that if we stand in front of a microwave, this can also affect our fertility becasue of the same radiation issue. My husband likes to stand in front of the microwave and whenever I remind him of this, he quickly tells me that the microwave has a protective film on the door to safeguard against this. I tell him to move anyway, because we are still not totally out of the childbearing age, so we cannot afford to take any chances.

I must say that the cell phone issue did get my attention and so I have decided to write about it on my blog because I know many of us carry around our cell phones on our person and therefore can sadly fall victim to this. Women are created to naturally to want to have children and so let’s not add one more issue to the many that currently exists, to ruin our chances in this regard.

I seem to have deleted the email, because I have been searching for it and has had no luck in finding it, or else I would have included the article with this post. There are also other issues in this article relating to cell phones, another of which is that, you should not allow your baby to play with these devices because this radiation can also affect them as they are still developing.

Since reading it, I have banned my son from playing with our cell phones.

Be informed therefore, and in the meantime, keep clinging to hope.

How can a parent bury their child

“Children are a gift from the Lord; they are a reward from him.
Children born to a young man are like sharp arrows in a warrior’s hand.”
Psalm 127: 3 & 4

My post was supposed to be very different today, but after watching the memorial service of Michael Jackson, I had to change it because I just cannot concentrate on anything else.

His memorial service was lovely. He is indeed Hollywood royalty and a pop icon, but from just watching this service you would not know if you did not know him. I saw humanness, I saw the genuine, pure, unselfish love of a mother, a father, siblings, children, gripped by grief at the loss of their loved one and I felt as if they were normal people like myself who I knew personally. My heart went out to Catherine, his mother.

What played over and over again in my mind was how the parents, especially the mother, might have been feeling. I am sure she did not think she would have had to bury a child and many parents still do not think they will bury their children, because in the normal sphere of life, this should never be. My son was sleeping beside me while those thoughts played over again in my head and I just thought to myself, no, I could never do it. I could never bury my child. Think in our case where because of infertility, it was such a struggle to have this precious child, how could we bury him? My miscarriage was hard on us, it is the loss of a child that we wanted so much but still that grief I am sure cannot measure up to the loss of a child who you nurture and care for to the point where they can now take care of themselves. The thing is, even though they are now adults, they will always remain your children in your eyes.

A family in my church, some years ago lost their eldest child rather tragically. This child was engaged to be married rather soon and I am sure the whole family was looking foward to this even with much joy. I am sure the parents were also looking forward to the grandchildren they would later embrace from this union . I remember the day of the funeral the parents, especially the mother was so overwhelmed with grief. Usually it is the mother that seem to feel the pain more and this could probably be because we gave birth to these children and felt all the pain associated with their birth. I remember I was the one in charge of the decoration for this funeral and decided to leave them up for church the next day, being Sunday. After church had ended, the mother came to me and asked why the decorations were still up. I felt so embarrassed and bad that I had not used good judgment and was adding to the pain that this family was in because I should have really taken down those decorations right after the funeral. I did not get over it for days.

Parents, as you clearly see, there is no guarantee that you will not bury your children, but God usually provides the additional strength that we need in situations such as this. We therefore have to draw on him in these times to carry us through. I know this family did it and they are doing much better now. I also know that you never get over these losses and so, I am sure that they still continue to lean on him for strength to continue living.

In closing, I want to challenge those of us who are blessed with children to give them all they need to become adults, who will have good judgment and be able to make sensible choices in respect of their lives, so that they will not have to turn to other things to take the place of what they come up lacking in their lives, as this, as you can see, can sadly lead to their untimely demise. Other things can take them out too, but let us not allow these things to be the way they go.

Those of you who continue to yearn for children, do not let opportunities like this pass you by, learn from them so that when you are blessed with your children you will know exactly how to bring them up so that they can survive in this world that can be so cruel to them. Remember, we have to do our part in......."healing the world, make it a better place..........heal the world we live in, save it for our children."




Until next time, keep clinging to hope.

Are our doctors selling us short????

“Children are a gift from the Lord; they are a reward from him.
Children born to a young man are like sharp arrows in a warrior’s hand.”
Psalm 127: 3 & 4

I know I might get in some hot water for this post but I am fine with that, it will only be giving me the total blogging experience because I am told that comments can be brutal and I am yet to see any such.

Seriously though, are our doctors selling us short? When a couple battling infertility ends up in a doctor’s office for help, they go there with all intentions that they will get the help they need to make their dreams of having a family a reality. Why then are some couples having such a difficult time. Shouldn’t their doctors do a thorough diagnosis as is possible, instead of giving them a diagnosis of only some of the issues they face, while seemingly ignoring the other possible ones. The reality is when these issues are deemed fixed and the couple still fail to become pregnant, they can become so disillusioned and discouraged because I am sure they are thinking that their troubles are over when in fact, they have only just begun. I know I have been there, because after my surgery for my PCOS and my six months within which my doctor gave me to get pregnant had passed, I went to another doctor for a second opinion and what she discovered was that the walls of my cervix was not building up enough to receive any fertilized eggs. Iar menstrual cycle. I felt disillusioned and discouraged that here I am thinking I was close to my goal of having a family when something new suddenly pops up to set me back. I was even thinking why couldn’t my doctor asked me to come in after this six months had elapsed with no pregnancy resulting just to maybe see what new development there was that was still causing me to be unable to get pregnant instead of telling me to consider other alternatives. I felt like I was been tossed overboard out of a ship, to the sharks.

A friend of mine who did surgery in hopes of having a family told me that after her surgery, her doctor told her only God can help her now. I am sure she probably thought nothing of the comment at the time, and her doctor probably had very good intentions in saying this, because in essence, nothing is really wrong with the comment, but in my opinion, it seem a little cold, like he was actually throwing her out of the ship, instead of offering to still monitor her post surgery.

When I had my son, it was only after suffering a agonizing failed labour that I was told that I had an inverted pelvis why attempts at labour had failed (an inverted pelvis is when your pelvis is too narrow to allow for the passage of your baby). I was very perturbed, probably naivity again, thinking could'nt this have been diagnosed earlier saving me, my baby and my family all this anxiety. What if something had happened to me or my child while they were attempting labour. I am still to check with my doctor just to see if they could possibly have known this earlier.

I am someone who encourages people to read up on their conditions so that they will be able to interact with their doctors in an informed manner, but shouldn’t we also expect that our doctors will do what they are supposed to do and willingly give us any vital information we need as well? After all, they are the experts, not us, the patients.

Is it naïve of me to think that we should be able to find doctors who are thorough and who really care about their patients and their needs, who are not profit driven. When I was diagnosed with Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome, when I did my surgery my doctor at the time only told me that if I did not get pregnant within six months of the surgery, I should consider alternatives like invitro-fertilization. Nothing was said to me that the cysts would return or that I will have other issues like heart disease, diabetes or ovarian cancer to think about. Little wonder I left the doctor’s office feeling that all my problems were fixed.

The other doctors I saw, I must say they were not at all bad, but thankfully, one in particular caused me to rethink how I felt overall about doctors. He was so unselfish, so caring and each miscarriage I suffered, he had nothing but encouragement to give. He did not even charge me for some of my visits relating to my miscarriages. I am truly blessed to have met him.

I have been following up on this tragic case where a mother died in child birth due to complications arising from a c-section. The story is so sad. The mother apparently has fibroids and developed a blood clot during surgery. Her husband is saying, the doctors knew her condition and should therefore have been able to prevent it. Why do I feel we are being sold short by our medical system which is put in place to help us when we are sick and save our lives as much as possible. This is why many people spend the time and money for second opinions because you cannot just rely one as this could cost you your life.

Is it that if doctors become who we really want them to be, we could not really pay them to see us. Just wondering.

I am at a lost so some medical personnel please enlighten my naivity. Please do not let me look bad on the world stage. My readers are counting on me.

Until next time, my readers, keep clinging to hope.

Yes, secondary infertility does hurt too

“Children are a gift from the Lord; they are a reward from him.
Children born to a young man are like sharp arrows in a warrior’s hand.”
Psalm 127: 3 & 4

One of my fellow bloggers did a recent post entitled, "secondary infertility does hurt as well," and I feel compelled to share her post with my readers, to stress the fact that persons suffering from secondary infertility do hurt too.

Secondary infertility is when a woman, after carrying a pregnancy to term fails to carry a subsequent one to term. This can be due to various factors, endometriosis, polycystic ovarian syndrome and age among others.

The thing is, many women suffering from secondary infertility get pushed aside because they often have feelings of guilt that they are yearning for more children when some are still struggling to have even one and quite rightly so, because women suffering from primary infertility (the inability to become pregnant at all) do resent these women, thinking that they are selfish to want more children, when they are still struggling to have one. It is selfish to think that anyone should settle for just one child and many women know what their ideal family should look like and does not stop trying for children until they have reached this target. Primary infertiles do know this I am sure but when you are struggling with infertility, as per my experience, you do behave irrationally at times.

I know of a few persons who are suffering with secondary infertility and it does hurt just as much as primary infertility sufferers. I myself is suffering in this regard seeing that I carried my son to term two years ago and still had a miscarriage a few months ago.

With that said, please follow the link to see my fellow blogger’s post and article on this subject and see also the comments of other women suffering from secondary infertility.

http://infertility-fertility.blogspot.com/2009/06/secondary-infertility-hurts-too.html



Until next time



Keep clinging to hope

Depression and Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome (PCOS)

“Children are a gift from the Lord; they are a reward from him.
Children born to a young man are like sharp arrows in a warrior’s hand.”
Psalm 127: 3 & 4

I began having symptoms of PCOS in my late teens but was however diagnosed way into my twenties. Since then, depression has plagued me. What I did not know until recently, was that depression is one of the symptoms of PCOS. PCOS causes an imbalance in your hormones that is why depression is associated with it. I thought that my depression was caused from my infertility and a speech impediment, which has crippling effects on my life. I was never diagnosed with depression, but the little I know about the condition, I knew I was depressed, as I had some of the symptoms that it is associated with, low self esteem, sadness and hopelessness, to name a few.

My reason for doing this post is because I witnessed someone who I was told has PCOS having a meltdown recently and even declared that for the past two weeks she has been battling depression to the point where she was having suicidal thoughts. I have had my experience with these thoughts and it is frightening. Might I say that suicidal thoughts should not be taken lightly and these individuals should be constantly checked up on and they should get the help they need.

The state I saw this poor girl in, caused something to clicked within me as she reminded me so much of my years struggling with depression where I was misundertsood and judged in such an unfair way. She is a young girl, a teenager to be exact who I am sure does not understand fully what she is dealing with and neither does her parents or friends. I realize that I am the best person to reach out to her at this point to let her know exactly what is happening to her and to educate her parents so that they can get her the help she so badly needs. I have began to educate her friends as well because they must coexist with her. I must act soon because if she actually acts upon these suicidal thoughts (God forbid), I know I will never forgive myself for not helping, having gone through it myself.

I am still battling depression as my PCOS has re-occurred. About a year after giving birth to my son, I realized that I was depressed again. I began feeling ungrateful that instead of being happy for my son, I was again depressed. Little did I know that it was my PCOS that had returned and it had been causing my recent depression. I knew this after suffering a miscarriage a few months ago. I am now on treatment again for this condition and has now vowed that I will certainly do my little part in bringing awareness to depression of this kind to all who suffer with PCOS and all others concerned.



For more on helping others who may be having suicidal thoughts, click on the link:- http://www.emedicinehealth.com/suicidal_thoughts/article_em.ht



For more on depression caused by PCOS, click on the link:- http://pcos.about.com/od/whatispcos/a/depressionover.ht



Until next time, keep hope alive.

Supporting a friend struggling with infertility

“Children are a gift from the Lord; they are a reward from him.

Children born to a young man are like sharp arrows in a warrior’s hand.”
Psalm 127: 3 & 4

I am sure many of us have a friend or have friends who are currently struggling with infertility or have had miscarriages (as miscarriages are most times part of the process) and at times do not know how to be there for these individuals. This is indeed a very difficult situation to be in, as per my experience.

When I had my son, I thought that just for the mere fact that I had triumphed over infertility, it would be easy to support and encourage these persons that one day they could too. I soon realized that this did not make it any easier. There are times when I wanted to just give these persons a call or send an email but soon realized that it was not as easy as I thought. First of all, just wondering if these persons would want to hear from me at this particular time because maybe today they are so distressed and discouraged, that they would rather not engage in any conversation of the sorts. I remember having a conversation with one such friend whom I told that I think about her many days and would want to give her a call, but just could not because of these reasons. She re-iterated this and added that some people just do not understand. To which I responded well, I am one who understands very well having been in like situations where I just did not want to talk about my struggles. Let me hasten to mention that infertiles do have a common tendency to shut others out, so that is very often the reason that it is so hard to be there for them.

In the case of being there for a friend who had a miscarriage, I had my first taste of this in late 2007 and it took me a long time to actually make the phone call to this person. This happened again last year with another friend and I also had a hard time putting together an email to send to her. Another of my friends had to encourage me. She said you can do it, only you know exactly what this person is feeling, so use that as your source. I was soon after able to construct the email but still felt I had not done justice to my friend. Afterwards I started processing things and asked myself why was it so hard to reach out to these friends, then I remember that when I was struggling with infertility, someone recommended that I had a talk with a young lady who had struggled to have a child for three years so that she could offer me encouragement. I just could not bring myself to doing this, as the young lady was now very pregnant and by then I was finding it very difficult to be around pregnant women. Also she had only been struggling for three years and I was struggling for much over that and so I felt that she could not in the least bit understood what I was really going through at this point in my struggle. Let me say that I did promised myself that I would not seek encouragement and support from anyone unless they had been in my shoes, and she had, but sadly she still did not qualify. What I am really saying here then, is that I was afraid that my friend would refuse my encouragement because I was the one who recently had the healthy baby and even though I was the best person to encourage her at this time, having been in her shoes more than once, but I was afraid I simply might not not qualify.

Thank goodness for my blog, as this is where I seek to encourage and support my friends, as some of my posts are deliberately geared at the infertility issues that they face.
For others of you who do not have a blog I would recommend that you stay in touch as much as you can but try not to be the one to bring up the infertility issues that your friends face, let them bring them up in conversations. Some might not because this is a very sensitive and private issue but some probably will, depending on where in their struggle they are. Use that opportunity as much as you can to do your encouraging and supporting.

I would also recommend that if you have children, be mindful that your friends are still struggling to have and when you plan your activities which include kids, e.g. birthday parties, do not expect too much from your friends as sometimes they would rather not have anything to do with these events and very often struggle with actually turning up. I remember a friend of mine asked me to help with the preparation of food for her son’s (my godson’s) birthday party which I did. She also invited me to attend the party which was held at his school. That was one of my good days because I was moved for the fact that she chose to include me in such a tangible way and I thoroughly enjoyed being there, but I also know that if it was one of my bad day’s I probably would have declined the invitation and probably would have thought that she was insensitive to put me through all of that, when she knew of my struggles. Don't get me wrong, I know my friend's intentions were all good, and as her son's godmother I know she wants me to be involved in his life as much as possible but even in that case, sadly there were days that were so bad that I could not even be objective about that. This is indeed a very difficult situation to be in, and I know I could also have been on the other side as well, because life is unpredictable.

I also recommend that you try not to talk too much about your kids when you are around your friends, (I know this is very difficult) but try nevertheless as this is only a reminder that they cannot contribute to such conversations in any real way.

For those who have had miscarriages, be there as much as you can, but give them their time to grieve. Do not tell them it is time that they get over it. I had similar experience and I know that this came from the kindest place in this person's heart, but it did cause me some discomfort because I strongly believe only you should decide when to stop grieving and move on.

I must re-iterate, this is difficult because with infertility we are all in over our heads most times, both we who suffer and the others who must co-exist with us. Most times, people's intention are good, but you must protect your feelings because no one else will, and a relationship can only be healthy if you are able to let people know when they are causing you any discomfort. I considered it a daunting task when I had to tell the president of the women's group at my church that I do not wish to take part in the planning of anymore baby showers for members and I was so encouraged and moved when she conveyed it to the other women and they understood so readily. You should try this, it can be daunting at first but afterwards you do feel lighter and that makes it so worth it.

Check this site out, it should be very helpful in this regard:- http://www.onceuponalife.com/forums/archive/index.php/t-17994.html

Excerpt from site

Theresa
May 21st, 2005, 11:54 AM
“First, I want to say that I'm sorry that ANYONE suffers infertility. It really just doesn't seem fair. My best friend has been TTC (Trying to conceive) for 1.5 years and just finished her 2nd round of Clomid. She had a pg test yesterday. I'm assuming that since she hasn't called it was negative. Anyway, I just don't know how to help her any more. She's just totally shutting me out. She keeps throwing it back in my face that I don't know what she's going through because I've never been through it. (I do have 2 children, but the first one took almost a year to concieve. It's not like I just got pg on a whim or something.) That just breaks my heart. I keep wanting to reach out to her, but she won't let me. The fact that she hasn't called after her pg test is also breaking my heart. She's my best friend and I SO want to reach out to her, but I don't know how. :cry: So, my question is: What do you want from you friends at this point? I want to reach out, but not if she doesn't want me to, kwim? Any help/advice would be appreciated.For the record: We've been best friends for about 16 years and she's more like a sister to me than just a friend. I hope that all made sense. :silly:”

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I AM BACK!!!!!!!

Hello all, you don’t have to miss me any longer, I am back. The problem with my internet has been sorted out. Can you imagine they suspended our internet account for over a month simply because of a mix up with my landlord’s name, (as the internet account is in his name), and took so long to sort it out. Sometimes we are subjected to such unnecessary inconvenience. Anyway, that is over and thank God I am back.

As I said in my last post, so much has happened over the time that I was away and I know you are anxious to hear about them. Let’s see, where do I begin? Well, I suffered another miscarriage at two months gestational age and found out to my horror, that my polycystic ovarian syndrome (pcos) is back and worst than ever, my husband lost his job, then the car was taken, as it was attached to my husband’s job, then a few days afterwards, our internet was suspended.

I felt so victimized, it was as if someone had targeted us and was again subjecting us to misery. Blogging has been the best way so far for me to fully come to grips with the struggles I had to endure in my life so far and when that opportunity was taken from me, I felt really empty. I also felt like I was living in the United States of America as everyday you hear stories of persons who have fallen victim to this global recession. Thank God though, our situation is not as bad as we still have good kind people around and we are being truly blessed by them.

Anyway, back to the issue of the miscarriage I suffered, as this is partly what this blog is about. We really was not trying for a baby, at least not right now because we knew that my husband’s job was in jeopardy. When we found out that we were expecting, we were frightened and confused at first but soon after started to embrace it to the point where we became so excited as we had in fact had discussions about a sibling for our son. We were therefore very sad when we learnt that we had lost it. I for one, was horrified as I thought that I was through with miscarriages, but I guess that choice is not mine to make. I was further horrified when I learnt that my pcos was back and was the cause for the miscarriage. My doctor reacted in such a dramatic way when she saw the cysts on my ovaries that I thought she was going to tell me that I had ovarian cancer. I was so relieved when she told me that they were in fact cysts.

And so, I am once again dealing with the effects of a miscarriage and feeling so guilty that I am grieving this loss when we have already been blessed with such a beautiful son. I am loving him and appreciating him even more these days and is even more grateful to God for him. Miscarriages are such horrible experiences that, if I had enemies, I would not wish it on even them. They have such crippling effects and once you experience them you never fully get over them. I gave birth to our daughter's dead body on April 2, 2007 and last week I could not understand why I was feeling so empty and depressed and why certain places (the UWI hospital, Mona, my sister's home where I spent the days following our loss) were appearing in my memory. I soon realised that it was because I was about to relive the horrible loss of our daughter this time two years ago, and this has been happening every year since.

I do not know what to draw from this experience at this time because we were not trying. I remember however, in the years that I was struggling to have a child, I often asked God for even just one and then we would adopt the other so that they can grow up together. If our request was granted, we saw the adoption as our way of giving thanks to God for his blessing of a child by also giving one other child the love of a family which he probably would otherwise not experience. I cannot help but think now that maybe God is holding me to this promise. We are therefore now actively thinking about adoption as soon as we are financially able to do so as our son definitely needs someone to grow up with. Let me hasten to say that when I spoke in one of my earlier posts that as a child I often dreamt of the ‘pitter patter’ of little feet around my home when I was grown, I never meant just two feet, I meant more, and four is such a whole and complete number. I never saw myself with just one child. An old saying goes, “one pickney is not pickney.” I hope I am not discounting the fact that some of us for whatever reason end up with just one. No need to feel cheated or guilty as this is just for me. You just hug your one child and thank God eternally for them because you are still more fortunate than many who have not been able to experience this blessing. You such, continue to be in my thoughts and prayers.

I am somewhat over this miscarriage now because given our present situation, if this child was still on the way, I am not sure how we would be cooping financially and so I must conclude that God knows best. He alone knows tomorrow and so we trust him enough to rest in his care and keeping.

Do not forget to join me for my next post.

My Infertility Story – Our triumph

As promised, here is the triumphant part of our story which I am so excited to tell.

Our triumph came, after more than a decade long of struggling with infertility, our triumph came and we were elated……..

We had just relocated from our home country and we were busy settling in to what would now be our new home. I was preoccupied with trying to secure a job and my husband was settling into his new job. There were no immediate plans to resume trying to get pregnant as yet, as we wanted to be settled into our new environment enough to take this next step and I was still allowing my body to recover from my last miscarriage. Our plans were not to be delayed for too long though as we were encouraged by one of our doctors to try to become pregnant by the end of that year, given my issue with age, and this was September. We were however oblivious to what was about to unfold that would change our lives forever.

I was expecting my period as usual that month and it had not shown up as yet. I did not take it for anything as I just thought I was experiencing anxiety with everything new that was happening to me. Days passed and still no period showed up and I started to feel a little nausea and some fatigue. I still thought I just had nervous stomach. The symptoms intensified and we decided to do a pregnancy test. There was no great hurry as we really were not expecting anything and was also not in any mood for any more disappointments. We did the test, quite timely I might add, and left it on the nightstand. As we re-entered the room to check the results, we realized that we could see the positive result from the door, (yes it was that bright, it’s like it was screaming at us, ‘you guys are pregnant, hip, hip hooray’).

We were dumbstruck at first as we were thinking, wow, this is certainly not the right time for us but were also elated because with our struggles, we did not want to give up on any opportunity to be excited about being pregnant, plus given our long struggle with infertility, we have no right saying this was not the right time, how dare us. We then began to get into pregnancy mode. I was scared at first not knowing any doctors or hospitals as yet and so I took the telephone directory and began to randomly call around to get information. It turns out no one wanted to give me any information, they wanted me to make an appointment and come in to see them and I did not want that, not just yet, I just wanted to check them out so that I can choose the best place for my prenatal care and the delivery of our child.

I remember getting so frustrated I called my friend back home and told her I was pregnant and think I might just come back home. Of course she gave me a dose of reality check and advised me against it. Fortunately, soon afterwards, we were recommended to a maternity centre and luck was on our side. We found a doctor and staff that made us feel so at home almost immediately. After that we knew without a doubt that this pregnancy was God’s doing and we had no choice but to embrace this great blessing as our timing surely by no means is His.

The pregnancy, from the time we saw the positive result, was packed with stress and anxiety because even though were feeling blessed and had accepted it as God’s doing, being human as I am, I could not shake the feeling that I would again suffer another miscarriage……

Join me in my next post as I relate how we made it through the longest and most stressful pregnancy ever

My Infertility Story – Dealing with miscarriages cont'd.

As promised, here are some tips for picking up the pieces and moving on after a miscarriage or miscarriages, for you my readers who find yourselves in this position:-

Your miscarriage/s could be recently or a while now, but the point is, you never get over them and its worst if you have not had subsequent successful pregnancies, to take some of the focus off those that you have lost. If we were not blessed to have had our son a year after we lost our daughter, then I am scared to even think how I would be feeling now.

• With that said, what I want to say to persons dealing with miscarriages, is to grieve in your own way. Do not let anyone tell you how to grieve and when to stop grieving and move on. This is all up to you, or else you’ll find that you are not able to pick up the pieces and move on at all. I remember during my grief period, I took some time off from going out socially, as I did not think I would have been able to coop with normal life as it were. After a while, a friend said to me, Annetta, it is now time to come back out. I knew she meant well and I figured it was because I was missed, especially at Church, but I was upset as I felt it was not up to her to tell me when to move on.
• You also must cry, crying is good when nothing else can comfort you. After a good cry, you are left with enough energy to make it to the next cry. It is like a rest stop, it rejuvenates and gives you the resolve to forge ahead.
  You also need a support base. My family and friends were there for me in such an amazing way. My husband was phenomenal. Even my doctor was there for me too, he even called me on Mother’s Day, which was the next month. I was so touched by this. Grief of this kind, you cannot handle alone.
• Chances are you are feeling angry and betrayed by God. This is normal, as I felt that way too. Thanks to Dr. Dobson, his book “when God does not make sense,” puts it all in perspective for me. Just to reiterate what he is saying, we do not know why bad things befall us and it is not that we are targeted either. That’s just how life is. Why did my best friend have to die so tragically, or why is it your mother who is diagnosed with cancer, or why am I the only one out of five sisters to be diagnosed with infertility or the only child out of seven to get my father’s stuttering. No one knows, and the sooner we make peace with this, it will save us the energy we use to be angry with God so that we can channel that energy into picking up the pieces and moving on.
• You might also be having suicidal thoughts. This seem normal as I had them too and others I know of. My opinion with suicidal thoughts is that for some, they are just co-oping mechanisims and for others they are more than just that as sadly they are actually acted up on. When you have them you are actually picturing yourself dead and therefore rid of the problems that you face and this infact makes them a little lighter to carry for the moment. I find that soon after I had those thoughts, I was jolted back into reality, as I began to feel so guilty and selfish that I would actually want to put my loved ones through that kind of pain.
• If you feel you want to hold on to something from the experience, do that, it helps, it is comforting and the time will come when you can let it go. I chose to hold on to my shower items and after a while, I was able to share them with another friend who was pregnant. It was hard as I cried so much when she left with them, because I felt she was taking away a piece of my daughter.
• If you find that you are approaching the end of your reproductive years, and you have exhausted all your options, then adoption is still a good alternative. I know you might have contemplated it before and so it is now good time to visit this option. Adoption can also be a good option while you are considering your next plan, once you are financially able to do it. I am sure you will have a lot of love to give to this fortunate child who otherwise probably would not have it. I thought of adoption many times, I even went to the Agency for a package which turned out to be my security blanket, as I could not shake the feeling that I in fact wanted my own child.
• Most importantly, DO NOT GIVE UP. Just when you feel like giving up, that is when your triumph could be just around the corner. Many women lose a couple of pregnancies first before they have successful ones, so be encouraged.
  

Trials like these only come to make us strong and I am a testimony to that and I know you will get there too. Just stay the course, let the trials redefine you as a person, let them redefine your life’s purpose. Trust me you will be better off for it.

ALL THE VERY BEST!!!!!!!

In my next posts, I will be talking about my triumph, I cannot believe I am at that point in my story already and I am so excited to share it with you. Do join me.

My Infertility Story – Dealing with miscarriages

This is, as you can well imagine, the most difficult part of my story to tell and I know I will be tearing up as I will have to relive the devastation and sadness to relate it to you. I am alright with that though, because as long as my story helps even one person, then it would be well worth it.
With that said, when I was diagnosed with infertility, I did not know that I would have had to deal with miscarriages as well, and in all honesty, I was not expecting to deal with any. It was while recently reading up on my diagnosis (Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome, as I still do so), I am finding out that there seems to be a higher rate of miscarriage among women with this diagnosis. Not that it would have made much of a difference had I known this before, as you cannot be really prepared for tragedies such as miscarriages, but I would have known to at least expect them.
As a result of this when I had my first miscarriage, I was totally devastated. I longed for the day when I would receive a positive pregnancy test and often wondered if I was so unlucky that the tests I bought were defective. This was seven years into my struggle and numerous occasions that I had tested. The manufacturers of pregnancy test must have seen a dramatic increase in their profits over this period, because of me. I was overjoyed, to say the least, when I received my first positive pregnancy result. I thought I was dreaming as my husband and I stood over the test and stared at it. It felt like Christmas. We hugged and I did not know if I was to laugh or cry. One thing I knew though, I wanted to climb on my roof top and declare to the world that we were finally pregnant. It was such a surreal experience. I remember calling up our family right away and telling them the good news, which I learnt very soon after, was really not the right thing to do. I also began planning my pregnancy wardrobe, the nursery, I was totally in ‘pregnancy zone.’
The next day I called my doctor, made an appointment and went in to see him. He confirmed the pregnancy and told me to come back for an ultrasound as it was too early to do one. I went back and my doctor did the ultrasound. He found the sac for the pregnancy, but sadly there was no fetus to be found. I really could not believe what was happening. How can there be no fetus, where else could it be, I thought. He seemed quite perturbed himself and decided he would comfort me by saying, "well you are indeed pregnant as the sac is there." Whatever does he mean, I thought, I don’t want to only know that the sac is there, I want to know that our baby is there as well.
I was diagnosed with a ‘missed abortion’ which is the term given to a pregnancy where no fetus is found. We were totally devastated. I cannot forget the look on my husband’s face, he was so distraught. He just stood gazing in space. I felt so helpless and sorry for him. Then it was time to break the news to our family. My mother-in-law would be the hardest one to break the news to, as she was ecstatic when we told her we were pregnant. When we did, I could sense the sadness in her. The whole feeling of guilt began welling up in me again that I lost touch of how I was feeling and began feeling that I had betrayed my mother-in-law, having lost the grandchild she had longed for, for so long.
I just could not function after that and had to ask my doctor for some sick leave. I stayed in bed and cried for most of the time, only coming out to study for an in-house exam, which surprisingly I passed. I could not believe it.
We managed to pick up the pieces and move on with our lives, ofcourse not giving up on our dream to have children. Shortly afterwards, I began feeling pregnancy symptoms. We did a test and sure enough it was positive again, I felt as if we had hit the jackpot, luck was on our side. I was in 'pregnancy zone' again and on an emotional high, only to quickly hit another low, when our doctor attempted to confirm the pregnancy and found out it was a ‘false positive’ one. We were not pregnant. He explained that my hormones were out of balance and that was what tricked my body into acting as if I was pregnant.
We were again devastated. I felt as if someone was playing a cruel joke on us and I was not amused. What did we ever do to deserve this, I thought.

We were only halfway into our experience with miscarriages, with the worst still to come.

More in next post, you cannot afford to miss it, or you’ll be missing out.