INFERTILITY NEWS, FACTS AND VEIWS : Dealing with a miscarriage

A miscarriage is a very distressing experience to deal with, to say the least. When a woman learns that she has miscarried or is about to experience one, the first emotion she feels is shock, can this really be happening? I don’t understand, I took care of myself, I did everything right. Is this a nightmare, I really want to wake up now.

Some of the other emotions which immediately follow are anger, (most times this anger is directed at God, how could you allow this to happen to me, you ask), guilt, sadness, depression and difficulty concentrating. The latter is, I believe, why women are put on leave during this period, because they won’t be as alert at their jobs.

The bonding between a mother and her baby begins at the very first sight of a positive pregnancy test, therefore even if the miscarriage is an early term one, it is still devastating. After the initial emotions felt upon  learning of the loss, others such as fatigue, trouble sleeping, loss of appetite and lots of crying usually set in. Some women might even go to the extreme, like thoughts of suicide. like I did.

The grieving process then, involves 3 steps:-

Step 1. Shock/Denial – Is this really happening, I did everything right..

Step 2. Anger/Guilt/Depression - , Why is this happening to me? (And especially if, like me, you have had to deal with infertility) I came so close in actually realizing my dreams, I will be so sad and depressed for a while.

Step 3. Acceptance : Well, the Lord giveth and he taketh away, I might as well accept this and look towards a better plan he has for me.. Other women have experienced this and they made it through.

Please note,  there is no set timeframe for each step because you may suffer setbacks along the way. Certain things like baby showers/christening, visits to your OB/GYN, insensitive comments etc might hamper your grieving process.

It is important as you survive your miscarriage to  reach out to those closest to you. Ask for comfort,  support. and understanding. Surround yourself with positive people and seek professional help if necessary, for yourself and your partner. Most importantly, allow yourself time to grieve and hold firmly to the memories of your experience.; how you celebrated when you first saw the positive on the pregnancy test, your friends and family’s reaction when you broke the news to them and the attention you received as your pregnancy progressed..  

For couples, do  remember that women and men grieve differently. Women grieve out loud, while men will immerse themselves in work, just to not have to show how much they are grieving. Of course this can cause tension in the relationship and so it is important that both of you understand this.  To ensure that your relationship survive you have to then  be respective of each other’s needs, feelings and coping styles and most importantly, keep the lines of communication open.

Lastly, healing from a miscarriage does not mean that you forget the experience. It means that you refocus and regroup. You seek to find out all the details surrounding your loss. Study medical records and ask questions. Find out your chances for a subsequent successful pregnancy. If you had already collected items for your baby, seek out the best way to get rid of them. I gave my items to a friend in need and apart from the initial crying when she left with them because I felt that  I was getting rid of a piece of my experience and I was not ready for that yet, I felt good to know that out of this experience help was rendered to someone else.

There will be times when you feel sad and want to cry and others when you feel hopeful, this is perfectly naturally as the healing process is still taking place because there is no set time frame for grieving, just do not give up on that will to get better,

My sister, my friend, as you deal with your loss, my prayer is for God to embrace you at this time and give you comfort, understanding and peace..

Post image by: http://babyandblog.com/2014/01/coping-and-growing-how-i-survived-two-miscarriages-in-2013/

GRATEFUL WEDNESDAYS – Who or what is your source?

The other day, someone we knew relatively well, committed suicide. What I gather is that, his marriage was his source, and when his wife died almost a year ago, he felt like he just could not go on, on his own and so he took his life. Really sad and this is taking us a while to process.

Which leads me to the question, who or what is your source? It is quite helpful to note that your source should never be temporal, in other words it should never be temporary where it can cut out on you at any time, leaving you to fend for yourself. I am quite thrilled to say then, that the Almighty God is my source, let me also say that this does not mean that we who claim God as our source won’t find ourselves in similar situations like this gentleman. Which really is because, at times we seem to forget, or we become so blinded and overwhelmed by our problems that we try to go it alone. We fly solo.

When I lost our first pregnancy, I romanced the idea of suicide because I just did not think that I could bear this overwhelming pain, which had me so blinded that I really did not think to give it all to God. In fact, he was the first person I took it out on. I was so angry with him and refused to have anything to do with him in the first few days following my lost. How could this God who promised his children good things, allowed such a horrible thing to happen to one of his own, I thought. It was not long before I was feeling even more miserable and helpless and so I felt I had no choice but to put my tail between my legs and crawl back into his embrace, because I realized that no one was able to help me deal with my pain. No husband, no friend, no one.

God took control and I allowed him to heal my broken heart, certainly not instantly but surely gradually and he has since blessed me more abundantly than I could ever ask or imagine. Even more importantly, he is allowing me to use this pain to minister to and help others. What an awesome source to have and I am indeed grateful that I found it.

Let me therefore encourage those of you who are dealing with situations that have left you feeling broken, hopeless and helpless, if you do not know the Almighty God as your source, I challenge you to find him, he stands ready to rid you of your burdens and lead you into quality life everlasting if you will allow him.

Thanks for your indulgence.

INFERTILITY CAN GET TO YOU, IN THE WORST POSSIBLE WAY

Children are a gift from the Lord; they are a reward from him.

Children born to a young man are like sharp arrows in a warrior’s hand

Psalm 127: 3 & 4

“HOPE MAKES ALL THE DIFFERENCE”

Anyone dealing with the issue of infertility, can attest to the fact that it is a very difficult thing to have to go through.

In my years of dealing with infertility, I was overwhelmed financially, physically and emotionally to the point where I felt that taking my life would be such an easy way out, to escape all these feelings.

There was a story in the news recently about this Food Network star, Juan Carlos Cruz, who was allegedly involved in a plot to kill his wife and then himself, because they cannot have babies.

When I heard this story, even though it is alleged, the first feeling I had, ws one of sympathy, because I know all too well, that this is very possible, given the impact which infertility struggles can have on a marriage, on anyone for that matter.

It is never justifiable to have to resort to such drastic measures to deal with the issues we face, and so I hasten to encourage anyone who is currently engaged in such contemplation, to talk to someone, in an effort to get the help you need in this regard.

Be encouraged therefore, and until next time, keep clinging to hope.

Depression and Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome (PCOS)

“Children are a gift from the Lord; they are a reward from him.
Children born to a young man are like sharp arrows in a warrior’s hand.”
Psalm 127: 3 & 4

I began having symptoms of PCOS in my late teens but was however diagnosed way into my twenties. Since then, depression has plagued me. What I did not know until recently, was that depression is one of the symptoms of PCOS. PCOS causes an imbalance in your hormones that is why depression is associated with it. I thought that my depression was caused from my infertility and a speech impediment, which has crippling effects on my life. I was never diagnosed with depression, but the little I know about the condition, I knew I was depressed, as I had some of the symptoms that it is associated with, low self esteem, sadness and hopelessness, to name a few.

My reason for doing this post is because I witnessed someone who I was told has PCOS having a meltdown recently and even declared that for the past two weeks she has been battling depression to the point where she was having suicidal thoughts. I have had my experience with these thoughts and it is frightening. Might I say that suicidal thoughts should not be taken lightly and these individuals should be constantly checked up on and they should get the help they need.

The state I saw this poor girl in, caused something to clicked within me as she reminded me so much of my years struggling with depression where I was misundertsood and judged in such an unfair way. She is a young girl, a teenager to be exact who I am sure does not understand fully what she is dealing with and neither does her parents or friends. I realize that I am the best person to reach out to her at this point to let her know exactly what is happening to her and to educate her parents so that they can get her the help she so badly needs. I have began to educate her friends as well because they must coexist with her. I must act soon because if she actually acts upon these suicidal thoughts (God forbid), I know I will never forgive myself for not helping, having gone through it myself.

I am still battling depression as my PCOS has re-occurred. About a year after giving birth to my son, I realized that I was depressed again. I began feeling ungrateful that instead of being happy for my son, I was again depressed. Little did I know that it was my PCOS that had returned and it had been causing my recent depression. I knew this after suffering a miscarriage a few months ago. I am now on treatment again for this condition and has now vowed that I will certainly do my little part in bringing awareness to depression of this kind to all who suffer with PCOS and all others concerned.



For more on helping others who may be having suicidal thoughts, click on the link:- http://www.emedicinehealth.com/suicidal_thoughts/article_em.ht



For more on depression caused by PCOS, click on the link:- http://pcos.about.com/od/whatispcos/a/depressionover.ht



Until next time, keep hope alive.

My Infertility Story – Dealing with miscarriages cont'd.

“I was admitted to the hospital the next day and things got worse the day after I had given birth to our daughter, as there was this terrible feeling of emptiness that made me cry and could not stop. I never cried so much in my entire life.”

On my way home from the hospital, I began to do a mental survey of my medicine cabinet to see what kind of prescriptions drugs I had that I could just take and end this all. I did not feel like I could go on living, at least not without my daughter.
When I got home, I began feeling the real impact. Everything there reminded me of my pregnancy and I did not want to be there, but I did not want to leave either because this would mean me that I am moving on without my daughter, and I was not ready to do that, not just yet. It was still too fresh. My sister asked that she took the shower items I had as well, but I said no as I did not want to let go off them. I felt like having them there would give me the comfort that my daughter was still with me.
I began revisiting the prescription drug idea and became scared. What will happen when my husband return to work tomorrow, I thought. I did not trust myself at all to be left alone in this condition and so I quickly told him that I did not want to be home alone. He made plans for me to stay at my sister’s house for the rest of the week, where there was a housekeeper, which meant I would not be alone. I was relieved. The idea of suicide seemed oh so great but somehow I knew I did not want to go just yet as I believe there was still some purpose for my life and I know too that, should I make it through this, I would have a great story to use and encourage others.
I cried that whole week I was at my sister’s. I was so angry with God and felt so betrayed by him that I did not want to have any connection with him at all. How could it be said in Psalms 127 verse 3 that "children are a gift from God, they are a real blessing" and my blessing be taken away in such a cruel way. Bottomline, how can you give someone something and take it back, especially people like us who have been trying to start a family for now over a decade. I did not pray for days as I just did not want to be even in his presence. You know how you feel when someone you love hurt you, you are so upset with them that you prefer not to have any interaction with them at all for a while. That was how I felt.
A friend lent me a book by Dr. James Dobson, of ‘Focus on the Family’, entitled, 'When God does not make sense,' which I began reading from the day after giving birth at the hospital. In essence what this book is saying is that we have no control over what happens to us in our lives and it is not that we are targeted to go through certain challenges either. That is just how life is, and the sooner we understand this, the sooner we stop feeling betrayed by God when certain things befall us. I hate to say it, because I was so angry at God, but somehow this made sense to me and as I continued to read the book, (with no interruption from the outside world, as my husband had turned off my phone, for fear of any calls making me more upset), it began making even more sense. I then realized that I was not as angry with God anymore and I was not crying as much either. I began to slowly trust his heart again, even though I still could not trace his hand. I was able to put things into perspective that by the end of the week I was feeling so much better.
I did not stop crying or being sad after that week at my sister’s, as grief is indeed a process, but I was able to pick up the pieces and move on (slowly of course), but with each slow step, came a little faster one, until I was able to move on with my life in a normal way. Being mindful of course that I will face the same challenges, seeing pregnant women, children and it will be harder this time for me as I would be thinking how close I came to realizing my dream, so close, yet so far away. The expected date for the birth of our daughter was so hard for me as there was this strong smell of baby in the entire house. I could not take it, I cried for my baby until I fell asleep. I woke up the next day feel much better and something deep down told me that my triumph over infertility was sooner than I think.
A few months afterwards, I began feeling pregnancy symptoms and so I tested, the first test was not clear and so I retested, this time it was clear. I was pregnant again. I was excited for the mere fact that it is said that once you become pregnant it is easy to get pregnant again and also because deep down I felt that our breakthrough was near and so I wanted to believe very much that this pregnancy was for sure. I called my doctor the next day and went in to see him. He proceeded to confirm the pregnancy and found that the test was reading negative, shortly after that it was transformed to positive. We sat there and just stared at each other. I was totally confused and he seemed the same too. He did a scan just to see what was happening and sadly there was nothing there to indicate any pregnancy. I was even more disappointed and confused as I wanted to believe that the pregnancy tests were faulty and I was pregnant indeed. After a blood test, it was discovered that my hormones were again out of balance. I did not want to hear that again as I had been there and done that, but it was what it was.
When we got home that evening my husband and I just threw ourselves on the bed, exhausted from the events of the day and the past couple of months and feeling that our chance to have a family of our own was now totally eluding us. This was indeed a set back in our psyche and the emotions inside of me felt all too familiar. Sure enough I was grieving again for a baby I could have had, as a positive pregnancy result to me meant that I was close to overcoming infertility thus realizing my dreams of becoming a mom.
There was, thankfully, much needed distraction from this, as my husband had secured a job in another country in our region and our plans to migrate there was in high gear and so we threw ourselves into this even more, looking forward to distancing ourselves from this chaos and pain and continuing our lives where no one knows our story. I was so looking forward to that.
Two months after relocating, we realized we were pregnant and would go on to giving birth to our miracle baby, thus signaling our triumph over approximately a decade’s struggle with infertility.

To my readers who find themselves currently dealing with miscarriages, in my next post, I will attempt to give you tips on how you can pick up the pieces after these painful experiences and move on. Don’t miss it.

My Infertility Story – My infertility and my family cont’d

Wow, when I was diagnosed with infertility, I really did not know how hard it would have been to talk to my family about it, to secure the support that one would need from their family in situations such as this. I thought it would have been easy at least to talk to my husband since he is the closest to me, but sadly this was not the case. It was as my struggle progressed that I realized that I felt embarrassed whenever I thought of sharing my story with my family and became even more embarrassed as time passed, to the point that I did not want to try anymore. I guess apart from the embarrassment I experienced, I just thought they would not understand and would probably say things that would make me even more upset.

My recommendation for anyone experiencing infertility, and families who suspect that one of their love ones might be experiencing infertility…….

I yearned for the day when my family would start asking me questions about my husband and I having children. It would have made it so much easier to talk to them about my infertility, since the ice would already be broken. I waited and waited but unfortunately this never happened.
Infertility in my opinion is such a personal and private issue that they were probably having the same degree of difficulty reaching out to me, as I was having approaching them. Many times I would build myself up to talk but as soon as the time came, I chickened out.
I would suggest to a family who notice that a member is not having children after the necessary time has elapsed, (this is said to be two years, for some it could be more, unless they have made a public statement that they do not wish to have children), as some couples do declare this. If you see that these two years have now turned into four, five six, it is time to think that they might probably be experiencing difficulty in this regard. It would be helpful to stop all the ‘what are you waiting for to have children’ questions and comments and start moving towards finding out more so that you can begin offering your support, once they are open to it, as some persons still try to deal with issues like these privately. Let me hasten to tell you though, IT IS NOT POSSIBLE TO DEAL WITH INFERTILITY PRIVATELY. I tried and see the misery I experienced. I could not even trust my best friends, because of the same fear I had with my family, they not understanding and so I decided to deal with it on my own. BIG MISTAKE, I could have easily committed suicide and not be around to offer my help to others. You need people and especially your family, to help you through this, so allow them. You will be so glad you did.`
It is very important therefore to check for certain change in your love one’s behavior patterns, like sadness, depression and withdrawal. I thought it was so obvious that I was withdrawn, sad and depressed, but apparently I was doing a good job of hiding it.
I am aware that it will not be easy on you, the family’s part as well, as none of us are given a handbook on how to deal with infertility or other issues in our lives as they come, but we should be proactive and care enough to want to push pass all the hindrances and reach out to a love one in crisis. After all our family is the only constant in our lives and if we do not have them for the difficult issues we face on a daily basis, then we have nothing.
I wish I had the connection with my family for this to have happened. I blamed that however on our background, as some of us lead separate lives at some point in time while we were growing up and so that bond was never given the chance to develop. If it had, then I would not have had such a hard time reaching out to them for help and they would not have had such a hard time giving me the love and support I so needed. At times I wanted to be upset with them but could not, as there are so many factors at play in our situation of which we are all just victims.
Many families no doubt are blessed with this connection and I do envy them. Do not at all take it for granted, it can save your love ones’ lives. I am pretty sure you will not have all the expertise to help them deal with infertility, but together you can come up with the best possible resources to help them coop and they would have already been on their way to triumphing over their situation, the fact that they have their family on the journey with them.

GOOD LUCK!!!!!