INFERTILITY NEWS, FACTS AND VEIWS : Dealing with a miscarriage

A miscarriage is a very distressing experience to deal with, to say the least. When a woman learns that she has miscarried or is about to experience one, the first emotion she feels is shock, can this really be happening? I don’t understand, I took care of myself, I did everything right. Is this a nightmare, I really want to wake up now.

Some of the other emotions which immediately follow are anger, (most times this anger is directed at God, how could you allow this to happen to me, you ask), guilt, sadness, depression and difficulty concentrating. The latter is, I believe, why women are put on leave during this period, because they won’t be as alert at their jobs.

The bonding between a mother and her baby begins at the very first sight of a positive pregnancy test, therefore even if the miscarriage is an early term one, it is still devastating. After the initial emotions felt upon  learning of the loss, others such as fatigue, trouble sleeping, loss of appetite and lots of crying usually set in. Some women might even go to the extreme, like thoughts of suicide. like I did.

The grieving process then, involves 3 steps:-

Step 1. Shock/Denial – Is this really happening, I did everything right..

Step 2. Anger/Guilt/Depression - , Why is this happening to me? (And especially if, like me, you have had to deal with infertility) I came so close in actually realizing my dreams, I will be so sad and depressed for a while.

Step 3. Acceptance : Well, the Lord giveth and he taketh away, I might as well accept this and look towards a better plan he has for me.. Other women have experienced this and they made it through.

Please note,  there is no set timeframe for each step because you may suffer setbacks along the way. Certain things like baby showers/christening, visits to your OB/GYN, insensitive comments etc might hamper your grieving process.

It is important as you survive your miscarriage to  reach out to those closest to you. Ask for comfort,  support. and understanding. Surround yourself with positive people and seek professional help if necessary, for yourself and your partner. Most importantly, allow yourself time to grieve and hold firmly to the memories of your experience.; how you celebrated when you first saw the positive on the pregnancy test, your friends and family’s reaction when you broke the news to them and the attention you received as your pregnancy progressed..  

For couples, do  remember that women and men grieve differently. Women grieve out loud, while men will immerse themselves in work, just to not have to show how much they are grieving. Of course this can cause tension in the relationship and so it is important that both of you understand this.  To ensure that your relationship survive you have to then  be respective of each other’s needs, feelings and coping styles and most importantly, keep the lines of communication open.

Lastly, healing from a miscarriage does not mean that you forget the experience. It means that you refocus and regroup. You seek to find out all the details surrounding your loss. Study medical records and ask questions. Find out your chances for a subsequent successful pregnancy. If you had already collected items for your baby, seek out the best way to get rid of them. I gave my items to a friend in need and apart from the initial crying when she left with them because I felt that  I was getting rid of a piece of my experience and I was not ready for that yet, I felt good to know that out of this experience help was rendered to someone else.

There will be times when you feel sad and want to cry and others when you feel hopeful, this is perfectly naturally as the healing process is still taking place because there is no set time frame for grieving, just do not give up on that will to get better,

My sister, my friend, as you deal with your loss, my prayer is for God to embrace you at this time and give you comfort, understanding and peace..

Post image by: http://babyandblog.com/2014/01/coping-and-growing-how-i-survived-two-miscarriages-in-2013/

STRESS, DEPRESSION AND ANXIETY ASSOCIATED WITH INFERTILITY

I hid my infertility struggles for most of the time that I struggled. My friends did not know how miserable, sad and lonely I was. The closest people to me, my family did not know either.

I hid it because I was ashamed of my inability to conceive, I did not want anyone to know me in my incompleteness. I hid my struggles because I did not want anyone to think that I was over-reacting because I did not know that the symptoms caused by my infertility were really very real and therefore could be embraced.

As I slowly but cautiously began to open up about my struggles, I heard comments such as: ‘I don’t know if I was in your position if I would be feeling as miserable as you are;' I had no use for God and I should live in the sunshine; I should search my life to see if there are un-confessed sins that I am being punished for; that I was stressing my husband out. I was so glad I had hidden my struggles for so long or I probably would have heard worst comments.

Can I still say that this post is not really about me? It is to examine up close, the various symptoms of infertility, why they happen and how you can get help in dealing with them.

See link below, courtesy of the Massachusetts General Hospital Center for Women’s Health for information in this regard:-

http://www.womensmentalhealth.org/specialty-clinics/infertility-and-mental-health/?gclid=CKS2xqrSpLUCFQ0GnQodKnAAIA

From the site

“Parenthood is one of the major transitions in adult life for both men and women. The stress of the non-fulfillment of a wish for a child has been associated with emotional sequelae such as anger, depression, anxiety, marital problems, sexual dysfunction, and social isolation. Couples experience stigma, sense of loss, and diminished self-esteem in the setting of their infertility (Nachtigall 1992). In general, in infertile couples women show higher levels of distress than their male partners (Wright 1991; Greil 1988); however, men’s responses to infertility closely approximates the intensity of women’s responses when infertility is attributed to a male factor (Nachtigall 1992). Both men and women experience a sense of loss of identity and have pronounced feelings of defectiveness and incompetence.”

http://www.mentalhelp.net/images/root/infertility.jpg?0.1536280284048676
image by:

WHY THE ANGER????????

Children are a gift from the Lord; they are a reward from him.
Children born to a young man are like sharp arrows in a warrior’s hand
Psalm 127: 3 & 4

"HOPE MAKES ALL THE DIFFERENCE"

I have been watching for the past year as America’s Health Care Reform unfolds and has gotten really ugly over the last couples of days, especially since it was passed on Sunday.

What really has my attention now though, is how angry some people are. Opposition is good and does promote healthy politics, but not when it results in what is currently happening. We should be able to disagree without being disagreeable. I know people are angry and anger is a God-given right for each and every one of us, but what is important, is how we deal with this anger. We should not allow ourselves to get to the point where we lose control of our selves, and say things that causes hurt and even long term damage.

The fact that this is being played out in an environment where it has no place, is even sadder. These people who are elected to serve with a certain degree of dignity, self control and respect for themselves and who they serve, should be able to restrain themselves, if only for this reason.
The other thing is, what example are we setting for our children who are watching everyday as politics is played out in its ugliest of form. One day, we might find that there will be no one to run our dear countries, because our children are so turned off by what they are currently seeing. Then, we would definitely have a problem.

Come on people, we owe it to ourselves, our children and the land we serve, to do better, as this is very much unacceptable, at least in my eyes.

My readers, I know this has nothing to do with infertility, (or does it, because we do face anger throughout our infertility struggle and even more anger when a miscarriage becomes part of the process), but I just had to get it off my chest.

Catch you for my next post.

WHAT REALLY IS HAPPENING WITH OUR CHILDREN???????

Children are a gift from the Lord; they are a reward from him.
Children born to a young man are like sharp arrows in a warrior’s hand
Psalm 127: 3 & 4

Lately there has been so much news about violence among children. There were about two videos shown with children fighting in school buses. Then there was news a couple weeks ago about a school boy who stabbed another one to death, allegedly, over a girl.

The latest one, and the one that I want to focus on is about a group of boys (young boys, the youngest being 13), who lit another one on fire because he reported them as having stolen his father’s bicycle.

I cannot imagine that so much anger and hatred is in the minds of our children these days and I cannot help but wonder if it is the current climate of anger and unforgiveness around us that is rubbing off on these children, or is it the homes for which they come, who do we hold responsible for this? When I was a child, we fought with fists, and very rarely we would use sticks. But there was hardly any incidents including weapons like guns and knives.

This poor youngster has burns, some third degree, over 80% of his body and is currently fighting for his life and in an interview the other morning on the Today Show, with his mom and his doctor, the doctor was saying that he is not in the woods yet, much more to be out of it, so all in all, they are dealing with a very grave situation.

After the interview, the boy’s mother broke down, as she was understandably in so much pain and was trying hard to fight back the tears as she spoke. The Today Show asked her permission to show this breakdown on air, so that it will hopefully send the message out that incidents like these leave families in too much unnecessary pain and something needs to be done about them.

Right about this time, it hit me because it is really hard to see a parent in pain, as you start picturing yourself in the same position. Tears understandably, began welling up in my own eyes as I thought, what kind of world am I getting ready to send my son in? I really felt at this point that I would keep him home, home school him or something and just lock him away from all this callousness, because no one is exempted from falling victim to this.

Imagine so many of us have to fight the ravages of infertility to have our children and then only to have to face the reality that a brutal world awaits them and there is not much that we can do by way of protecting them from it because, let’s face it, they have to face the challenges of this world and we just simply cannot be there at all times to shield them from what it will throw their way. All we can do, is our best to prepare them, but that’s about it.

This is when we have to draw heavily on our faith in God and entrust them into his care and keeping.

I wrote recently about couples who begin praying for their unborn children from as early as the intercourse stage and I must re-iterate that this is a good thing for every God-fearing person to do, because I do believe that this results in better children, who will result in better people in our world, thus eventually making our world a better place.

Be encouraged therefore, and until next time, keep clinging to hope.