GRATEFUL WEDNESDAYS – On Self Acceptance

Today, I am grateful for self acceptance

We are our greatest critics, we try in every way possible to be perfect. Well, news flash, we are not created perfect, ask God, he says we are created imperfect beings. Why then do we cause ourselves unnecessary anxieties and stress, trying to be something that is humanly impossible.

Those of us who know me enough, know that I am far from perfect, I stutter and those who know me more intimately know that this is something I struggle with. A normal day for someone else, see me struggling just to co-op with what some of us find it so easy to do, talk.

As someone who stammers, I carry scars from childhood. From being called names, to being laughed at and ridiculed and not being validated by my family (who I don’t blame one bit, because they did not know better, as they did not possess the tools necessary to deal with a family member that stammers). I remember deciding that I would not talk at all and you know what, I did stop talking for a while, as it made me tired, tired and helpless and I hated feeling that way.

I suffered great injustice in adulthood because of my stammer, some a result of just trying to make a living and so I tried hard to be someone I knew I wasn’t, a fluent person and caused myself a whole lot of anxiety and pain. The thing is, I knew the result would just be more pain and heartache for me and thought many times that it could only be easier to just accept myself for who I am. This I tried numerous times but it proved futile. I became angry with myself, that it drove me into developing a hobby in writing which I am working on to make it a career, because I find I am loving it.

I remember being extremely afraid to attend social gatherings because I just could not carry a conversation and so I would find every excuse to not attend these functions. Not to mention that my self-worth took a hard blow as I found myself struggling with stammering and dealing with the pangs of infertility. 

In 1993, I tried therapy because I shuddered at the thought of stammering on my vows. Therapy worked, at least for my wedding, as I only had a minor block on the word ‘impediment’  in the part ( ......”that I know not of any lawful impediment.......”) - how coincidental.  After this therapy, however, I had major regression, as I was so certain this would have worked. The thing is, I largely think, to this day, that therapy had only dealt with what could be fixed physically about my stammering, the embarrassment and shame was not fixed.

I am here to say today, that I will no longer be allowing my stammer to define me, Its not too late, is it? I am Annetta, do you know her, yes, the same one who stammers and you know what, I am fine with that, shame and embarrassment, you are on notice for eviction because I know this will still be a journey, as from time to time I will suffer setbacks.  Most importantly, I have been getting by and will continue to, now more than ever, because I have finally grasped what it means to truly accept myself for who I am.

After all, I have to do this now, because I have to be imparting to my son who stammers as well, the necessary life skills he needs to cope in an unforgiving world. Skills that I garnered from my tears, mistakes, anxieties and heartaches, on a long, winding and lonely road that persons with certain life struggles find themselves on.

I am grateful then for self acceptance.

MONDAY RAMBLINGS – The Legacy We Leave Behind

I had such an intense weekend. Occasion, a funeral - the sad part, but the rest, joyful, as I got to meet a whole host of my husband’s family members and saw some that I knew, but had not seen in many years. It was well worth every moment as they got to meet our children and we got to spend some quality time with them.

Having said that, funerals are such sobering events and this is the time when your thoughts wander off to if your life insurance is up to date, if your health is really what it should be and if your kids will have enough to survive off after you are gone. As I sat there and watch the immediate family members of the deceased grieved, my eyes often welled up with tears, as I gave thought to myself in the position.  I could not fight back the tears as the family members, overwhelmed with grief and clinging to each other for support, made their way to the casket for the last glimpse of their relative before the casket closed.

It was a great funeral as well thought out tributes were received, but what sobered me even more was when the officiating minister began his exhortation by saying, “From the tributes given here today your loved one was a great person, who left such great legacy. He gave you each other for a time like this.” I could not help but feel grateful to God that he allowed us our own legacy, two children and we are trying to make them into phenomenal individuals, equipped with the necessary life skills, because this is more important than the material things you leave them. I am also grateful that they will have each other for support in the grieving period and beyond, should we go before them.

On the way to this funeral, I was talking to a very good friend of mine, whose Uncle passed recently and the funeral was the same day, she said to me, boy so many deaths. I suddenly felt the need to say to her that, this is why we need to make peace with death,  at least I have, because death is sure and no longer dependent on old age. She agreed, but said she would not want to leave her children, (a teenager and younger, about 4 years old) at this stage in their lives. I totally got that, and I would not want to leave mine either, but somehow I knew that since they came to us as such blessing from God, he would make sure that they are alright, if it happens that we should leave them at this tender age.

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MONDAY RAMBLINGS - CATCHING UP AND ALL THAT GOOD STUFF............

Happy Monday All!!!!

Hope your weekend was as great as mine was. I had some quality time with my family and had a chance to see some that I had not seen in many, many years, too numerous to count. It was sure great catching up with everyone and sharing some of my experiences as a still, fairly new mother to a new mom and another contemplating this special journey.

I was happy to impart that motherhood is such a blessing and a special opportunity and each child comes to us as such different individuals, requiring of us, different and unique skills to raise them.

I know that I am not exactly a young mother, nevertheless I am a new one who continues to learn as I mature as a mother, and I so look forward to imparting what I continue to learn to the new moms in my immediate circle and those who are contemplating this journey.

Wishing you guys a safe journey back home, as I continue to savour the time we spent together and wishing it never had to end.

I look forward more times like this.

Infertility could have robbed me of this opportunity, God is so awesome!!!!!!

Love you all.






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GRATEFUL WEDNESDAYS - God Cares

Today I am grateful for God’s Keeping Care.

I am pretty sure that most of us have, from time to time, find ourselves feeling that it is just our season to fight battles.  One thing I got from my infertility struggles is a greater threshold for the battles life throws my way and so I find that I do not allow myself to be too bugged down by these battles, instead I embrace the challenge that they bring, knowing fully well that I am equipped to overcome them.

I have been going though some struggles of late that could easily get me down, and even as I draft this post, there is an hiccup that could have easily cut me to the core, because it involves my precious son, but it was resolved before I was made aware of it. Isn’t God awesome. For the others,  I have managed to give them as much as I can, to my Heavenly Father and you know what, I am enjoying the peace that comes with that and the joy of seeing these issues being resolved one by one. I continue to have anxieties though over a big move that my family is about to embark on, but I am continuing to trust God to see us through as He has been doing and I have every confidence that he will, because of His keeping care and his tender mercies.

As I am writing this post and reflecting on God’s care for me, I am remembering this song that a senior member in our church (who now has dementia, but still sings in my heart), usually sings, “Does Jesus cares” -

Does Jesus care when my heart is pained
Too deeply for mirth or song,
As the burdens press, and the cares distress,
And the way grows weary and long?

o    Refrain:
Oh, yes, He cares, I know He cares,
His heart is touched with my grief;
When the days are weary, the long nights dreary,
I know my Savior cares.

My charge, therefore, is that we continue to leave our cares and burdens with our Lord Jesus Christ, because no one understands and cares like him. As people of God, we are not meant to carry around burdens.  He carried those burdens all the way to Calvary, why then would we not take full advantage of this.

Be encouraged therefore.

GRATEFUL WEDNESAYS – Vessels of honour

It is just disturbing how some of us live our lives, putting up with indignity and dishonor.

The thing is, some of us, sadly find ourselves in situations where it is hard to escape this indignity and dishonor. In a marriage, a spouse is afraid that they are not worthy of the love of someone else and so they stay in the marriage and accept abuse, or they feel they might not be as financially secure in another relationship or marriage. On another note, because someone is being charitable to you, you feel that the way to pay them back is to allow them to take advantage of you, to the point where you think it is only loyal to go over and beyond your capacity for them.

As a child growing up, I had this ritual where I would be the first to get out of bed and I would proceed to do everybody’s chores so that when they got up, the dishes would have been washed, the yard raked and everybody would be so happy they had a kind sister like me. I needed that validation because I felt I was not good enough and felt that I was not loved the way I wanted to be loved. I felt that by playing the elves and the shoemaker, where the elves completed the shoemaker’s shoes as he and his family slept, my family would be inclined to think more of me and love me more. Now I know I was dishonoring myself, engaging in self sabotage, because firstly, I should never be thinking that I was not good enough and secondly, I should not have to go over and beyond for love.

I am grateful then, that I am at a point in my life where, even though someone is being kind to me, I can recognize when I am being used, taken for granted and dishonored. That does not discount the fact that I am eternally grateful for their kindness and would be equally kind to them in a heartbeat, but they are not allowed to take advantage of me because they think they have this right, given what they are doing for me.

We are all vessels of honour, blessed and highly favoured by God and therefore possess the intuition of recognizing either that we are self sabotaging by causing dishonor and indignity on ourselves or we are allowing others to do it to us (because, trust me you can feel it) and we do have the right to put a stop to it.

GRATEFUL WEDNESDAYS – Feature 16 - Divinely Ordered

Today I am grateful for Divine Order.

I believe that the way each of us life unfolds, is to a great degree, a result of Divine Order. Each of us have our unique life journey and sometimes this life journey takes us away from our friends and family for extended periods of time.

Recently our Church held their annual convention and for the past 6 years I was not in attendance because my husband and I was living abroad for 5 of those years and for the one year since we had been back home,  our daughter was an infant. I made special effort then to attend this recent one.

My heart was warmed and my spirit refreshed to see faces I had not seen in years. I remember saying to one of those individuals, that I dreamed about her recently, (It is often said that when your mind runs on someone or you dream about them, you are to say a prayer for them). It was therefore quite in order that she asked me if I said a prayer for her. I hesitated to answer because I did not pray for her specifically, usually in my prayers I pray generally, if there is nothing specific, for my friends and loved ones, and that in my view should be adequate.

I am grateful then for how life unfolds, so that we can get a lift in our hearts and spirits from time to time, because God knows, we sure need it. 

GRATEFUL WEDNESDAYS – Feature 12

As a people, we are very ambitious and this is good, there can however be a downside to this, if we are not careful. We could find that we lose ourselves in pursuing self-advancement; a bigger degree for that bigger salary, a bigger house, a newer car, and find ourselves wondering, why are we not happy, why does our life feel so dull and empty. The thing is, we forget to be thankful for the little things that we already have, without which, our lives would not mean much. Our relationships, our health, our faith, our freedom, I could go on.

There are times in my life when I feel I could have achieved more in certain areas, and as a result I beat upon myself and take on a 'woe is me' attitude. Thankfully, I am soon reminded that less I be accused of being ungrateful, I do have many other things to be thankful for.

In my pursuit to become a more thankful and happier person, in general then, I am urged to add a new posting feature to my blog, a segment dedicated to being thankful, which I have decided to call ‘GRATEFUL WEDNESDAYS', my gratitude journal, if you will, where I will, on Wednesdays of each week, post one thing in my life that I am thankful for, regardless of how small. 

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Today I am grateful for my in-laws.

I have heard time and time again of bad relationships with in-laws, but I am very blessed to not have this experience with mine.

The mothers-in-law are the ones who get mentioned the most as it relates to conflicts. I have had a few situations with my mother-in-law that could have lead to a strain on our relationship, but thank God, forgiveness worked for us.

I just want to use this post to honor my in-laws for who they are to me and my family. Not for one minute do I feel like anything else but family, when I am around them. They adore their grandchildren and seldom pass up any opportunity to help out both physically and financially.

For this I am indeed grateful.

STRESS, DEPRESSION AND ANXIETY ASSOCIATED WITH INFERTILITY

I hid my infertility struggles for most of the time that I struggled. My friends did not know how miserable, sad and lonely I was. The closest people to me, my family did not know either.

I hid it because I was ashamed of my inability to conceive, I did not want anyone to know me in my incompleteness. I hid my struggles because I did not want anyone to think that I was over-reacting because I did not know that the symptoms caused by my infertility were really very real and therefore could be embraced.

As I slowly but cautiously began to open up about my struggles, I heard comments such as: ‘I don’t know if I was in your position if I would be feeling as miserable as you are;' I had no use for God and I should live in the sunshine; I should search my life to see if there are un-confessed sins that I am being punished for; that I was stressing my husband out. I was so glad I had hidden my struggles for so long or I probably would have heard worst comments.

Can I still say that this post is not really about me? It is to examine up close, the various symptoms of infertility, why they happen and how you can get help in dealing with them.

See link below, courtesy of the Massachusetts General Hospital Center for Women’s Health for information in this regard:-

http://www.womensmentalhealth.org/specialty-clinics/infertility-and-mental-health/?gclid=CKS2xqrSpLUCFQ0GnQodKnAAIA

From the site

“Parenthood is one of the major transitions in adult life for both men and women. The stress of the non-fulfillment of a wish for a child has been associated with emotional sequelae such as anger, depression, anxiety, marital problems, sexual dysfunction, and social isolation. Couples experience stigma, sense of loss, and diminished self-esteem in the setting of their infertility (Nachtigall 1992). In general, in infertile couples women show higher levels of distress than their male partners (Wright 1991; Greil 1988); however, men’s responses to infertility closely approximates the intensity of women’s responses when infertility is attributed to a male factor (Nachtigall 1992). Both men and women experience a sense of loss of identity and have pronounced feelings of defectiveness and incompetence.”

http://www.mentalhelp.net/images/root/infertility.jpg?0.1536280284048676
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‘GRATEFUL WEDNESDAYS’ – POST 9 " .........DANCE WITH MY FATHER..........."

I have not been able to spend any quality time with my father in a while because of the path life has been leading me.

For the greater part of last week my father was with me for follow up visits with his doctor, after his recent hospitalization. I was so busy making sure that my husband, my children and my dad were well catered to and started panicking at a point when it seemed I would not have been able to just sit with dad and talk. I was even jealous of my husband as he was able to do this on many occasions.

The opportunity came and did we chat. I found out how he and my mom met and when myself and each of my siblings were born. I even found out how the property which I came to know as our home, was acquired.
Very interesting story and I now feel particularly closer to my dad.

It is interesting how we wake up each day, not knowing how our day will turn out and I am extremely grateful for how that particular day turned out for me..........I got the chance to dance with my father again.

'GRATEFUL WEDNESDAYS' POST 3 - JUST SO YOU KNOW

As a people, we are very ambitious and this is good, there is however a downside to this. We can lose
our selves in pursuing self-advancement; a bigger degree for that bigger salary, a bigger house, a newer car, and find ourselves wondering, why am I not happy, why does my life feel so dull. The thing is, we forget to be thankful for the little things that we already have, without which, our lives would not mean much. Our relationships, our health, our faith, our freedom, I could go on.


There are times in my life when I feel I could have achieved more in certain areas, and as a result I beat upon myself and take on a 'woe is me' attitude. Thankfully, I am soon reminded that less I be accused of being ungrateful, I do have things to be thankful for.


In my pursuit to become a more thankful and happier person, in general then, I am urged to add a new posting feature to my blog, a segment dedicated to being thankful, which I have decided to call ‘GRATEFUL WEDNESDAYS', where I will post all the things in my life that I am thankful for, regardless of how small.

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Post 3

Today, I am grateful for my precious family. What would my life be without you? What would my children's life be without cousins to interact with, without grandparents to spoil them and without kind aunts and uncles to love and dote on them, which at times helps so much when our resources come up short.

We do not always see eye to eye but we continue to touch and enrich each others lives even though some of us are afar. 

When everything around us change, our family is the only constant because nothing can change the fact that their is a common chord that binds us.

I love you family, each and everyone and thanks for the unique way in which each of you touch my life.





N.B. I am not dying, just sending you flowers while you can appreciate it, not when you can't.

LIGHT MOMENT FRIDAYS – FEATURE 34 - “WE ARE FAMILY........”

This Friday’s light moment feature will have a teachable moment as well, and it is once again courtesy of our four year old son, so here goes:

Recently my husband had reasons to scold our son and he did it in a raised tone. Our son  responded soon after, “daddy you should not talk to me like that, because we are family.” His dad then responded, it is because you did not obey me at first why I had to talk to you like that. He was still quite obviously upset.

For us both it was a light moment, but I was soon forced to really look into what he was saying. As family we do cause each other hurt, albeit, unintentionally but sadly, sometimes it is intentional. During my struggles with infertility, my mom said some things to me that made me quite upset. I was able to forgive her and move on only because I knew it was not intentional that she was hurting me. I also believe in the love she has for all her children and I knew it was because she could not deal with the fact that one of us was hurting so deeply and wanted me to snap out of the depression and misery that I was in.

 It challenges me to think that an innocent four year old would know that as family, we should always thrive to, not hurt, but to honour and love each other. I do know that sometimes hurt is caused unintentionally, but we should not hesitate to validate each other’s feelings and apologise. When next you are in a conflict with a loved one, do remember that when everything else in your life changes, your family is the only constant.

The latter part of a verse from the passage Matthew 21 verse 15 (KJV) comes to mind........Yea: out of the mouth of babes and sucklings thou hast perfected praise. Do not take too lightly then, what our children say to us from time to time, because we could indeed learn quite a few things from them and be better for it. Do know also that children are closer to the heart of God than we are.


As May, being child month approaches, followed by family month, June, let us be mindful of this. 

HAPPY FRIDAY ALL  

Is this really happening..............

I was very desperate for some rationalisation in an effort to find peace with my infertility struggles, that I tried to come up with as many reasons as possible why I was one of those chosen. One of the reasons I came up with was, as a stutterer and the wife of a stutterer as well, God is protecting any children that should have come to us, from becoming victims of this  struggle as well. Sounds ridiculous, well, I did say that I was desperate. I must say though, that I had often wondered, should we have children, if any of them would stutter. I started doing my own little research. Well, I thought,  I am the fifth child in my family and stuttering has skipped 4 and has landed on me, is it likely then that because we only have two children, chances are they won’t stutter. I was proud of myself for coming up with this theory and so without further ado, I laid the issue to rest, taking comfort in the fact that our children might not stutter after all.

When our son began showing signs of stuttering at age 3, I was a bit scared but was comforted a little later, after consultation with Dr. Google, where it was confirmed that because children usually begin talking at about that age, they tend to stutter as they begin to construct sentences and say words that are new to them. It went away and I was relieved. Wow I thought, our son might not be a stutterer after all, and I was happy to again take comfort in this.

Well, a couple of days ago, he began stuttering again. This time it sounds so much like genuine stuttering,( I should know, right). He stutters on the first words of his sentences and so ever since, I am known as  ‘Mmmmommy’ and the word but can’t be happy to learn that it is now known as ‘bbbutt.’ My first reaction was, Oh my God, our son is really stuttering. Soon after came immense guilt and the feeling that our baby is broken and we are the cause of it (well, mostly me, as my stuttering is hereditary, being the child of a father who also stutters).

After another, this time urgent consultation with Dr. Google I have found out that even at the age of 4, children still tend to stutter. A condition known as “pseudo-stuttering” or “normal disfluency”  as they are still learning to speak. A weight came off my shoulder, even though I have also found out that if one or both parents of a child stutter, it is very likely that they will stutter as well, so one could say that this information is bitter sweet. They have recommended  that we observe him for six months and see what happens and if this trend continues until after the age of 5, then it is very likely that his stuttering will gradually increase and he becomes a stutterer. Consider a family of stutterers, will our neighbours think we are nuts?  I cannot say though, how patient I will be with anyone who ridicules my son, having been victim of this myself and know the hurt damage this can cause to one’s already shattered self esteem.

It is very tempting to continue to wallow in guilt, but my resilient self has since stepped in and has been challenging me. Am I not the best person to help our son cope with the challenges of stuttering, should he become one. Haven’t I been dealing with my stuttering struggles from childhood and therefore possess a lot of experience and some degree of knowledge (including formal therapy) that could definitely come in handy, if he will need all this help, because it is largely known that men handles stuttering a little better than women. I have also come to know a lot more about stuttering and have since become involved in stuttering support groups. What a great team we would make. Our son won’t be broken or flawed at all, he would just be unique, being included in the company of a lot of influential people who stutters. Among them are, The Vice President of the United States, Joe Biden, actor, James Earle Jones, King George VI, famous inventor Isaac Newton, among many others.

Last school year, when our son was accepted to the school he now attends, the principal asked that new parents meet with her. When we were asked to introduced ourselves, as my turn came,, the principal asked why was I not sitting next to my husband, as a light moment. Turns out I was sitting beside a male parent who stutters. I guess this was meant to be a moment of note for me, I was drawn to him for the mere fact that while I was there trying not to say much in an effort to conceal my stutter, he had no reservations in talking and being himself at all, and he seem to stutter more than I do, I might add. He was also quite distinguishly dressed which tells me that he probably holds a position of authority in his job. He has been in my thoughts for the past couple of days, as I continue to process and make peace with the fact that our son might be a stutterer.

You might notice that I did not mention my husband being involved much in any of this and the reason is, he does not seem to struggle with his stuttering at all. He is quite comfortable in his own skin, and this just confirms what I said earlier about men coping a lot better with stuttering than women do. If I had to choose then, I would choose for our son to stutter over our baby girl.

So then, what do my life struggles continue to say to me? One thing they could be saying is, “We know you have often argued with God about allowing you to be the recipient of certain struggles in your life, well, you should know by now that God’s purpose is for you to use your experience and resources  from these struggles to help others.

If I did not know my purpose in life up to this point, I cannot say I don’t know now.

God makes no mistakes.

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WHEN YOUR MOTHER-IN-LAW WANTS THOSE GRANDBABIES

Children are a gift from the Lord; they are a reward from him.
Children born to a young man are like sharp arrows in a warrior’s hand
Psalm 127: 3 & 4

I have been meaning to write this post for some time now, but wanted to take the time to think carefully about what I was going to say, so that I do not cause any discomfort to persons mentioned herein.

My struggles with infertility was made much harder because my mother-in-law was yearning for grandchildren. I was married to her eldest son , who was the only one ready enough to take the plunge into marriage and to subsequently start a family and so it is natural that soon enough, she would be looking forward to his off springs.

When my husband and I made the decision to start our family, we did not know that our decision would be met with the challenges of infertility. As a result of this, we made it known to his mother that we had decided to start a family, so much so that when whenever we suspected we might be pregnant, she was told as well and so, like one happy family, we would anxiously wait on the result of a home pregnancy test, only to be disappointed.

Telling my mother-in-law of our plans to start a family turned out to be a big mistake as our dream was now complicated by infertility and my mother-in-law continued to yearn for grandchildren.

I remember when I told her about our problems with infertility, her response was, all you need is some infertility drugs. I wanted so much to believe that, but deep down I knew we were in for a long difficult road.

As the years passed and our struggles with infertility intensified, my mother-in-law’s yearning for grandchildren also intensified. This became more evident because of comments she would make from time to time that left especially me, feeling that she was not concerned with the emotional trauma that we had to be enduring in this regard, she was only concerned with having grandchildren.

As a result of this, I began resenting her so much. My husband and I were doing everything that we could possibly do to beat infertility and instead of supporting and encouraging us, she only seemed to be concerned with the end result of all this, grandchildren.

Things took a turn for the worst as another son, announced his plans to get married. I had mixed feelings about this, I was happy but on the other hand, I was almost sure that this son would soon provide the grandchildren his mother was so yearning for. Sure enough, that is exactly what happened. Shortly after their marriage, they became pregnant.

I saw my world crumbling before me and all the efforts to provide these precious grandchildren, seemed all in vain. My mother-in-law called to give us the news and sadly I could not hide how I was feeling. I made it through the conversation with her, but she sensed something was wrong and later telephoned to find out what was going on with me. I told her exactly how I was feeling and I even went further to tell her that for all the years we have been struggling with infertility (now about 8), I have been expecting some form of support and validation from her because I had been talking to her on occasions about our treatments etc., and she had sometimes asked. She therefore knew much more than my family knew, and so I thought she owed us even some encouragement, instead of her visible yearnings which at times made me really upset and add insult to injury, she was now calling us with news of her impending grandchild and expecting us to be as happy as she was. Her response to this was that she did not know we were hurting so much. I heard her, but it was a hard pill to swallow, because I believe anyone dealing with painful issues like infertility is going to be hurting and moreso for us who had been struggling for so long. Mind you, I did not tell her how much we were hurting, but I thought it would have been easy for her to automatically think that some amount of pain was involved in this struggle.

Let me say that, she deserves to be happy, because finally she was getting a grandchild that she had been yearning for all these years and an event such as this, should be a happy time for a family. I understood this all too well, but I felt like my husband and I had been kicked to the curb and also felt that all our efforts to have children, was in vain.

This turned into a big conflict and I did not visit or see her for a good couple of months. This was really a difficult time. My family found out about this conflict and I really did not get the support I was looking for from them. In all fairness, they could not have supported me how I really wanted them to, because they did not know that infertility was wreaking havoc on me. I still expected some support though, even for the mere fact that they are my family and they now know about my struggles. Well, Instead my mother told me that it was because of jealousy for my brother-in-law and his wife’s pregnancy, that this conflict was happening. I was saddened to hear this. Sure enough, there was jealousy, because we thought we would have been the ones to give that first grandchild, but this was only a fraction of why I was so upset, I was angry with my mother-in-law because I felt she had not been there for us in our struggles with infertility so far, and now here she was, visibly overjoyed for this pending grandchild and there I was feeling the most barren and empty any woman could ever feel and also feeling like a complete failure.

When I met that family for the first time, I felt like I did not belong because I was from a more simple background . I felt that I was not good enough for their son and struggled with that feeling for a long while. This is why, I felt it was important for me to provide them with grandchildren soon enough, especially in the case of my mother-in-law, ( Grandchildren are a mother-in-law’s pride and joy) so that I could feel a greater sense of belonging.

I am so happy that time took care of this conflict and soon, I was able to visit this precious baby girl and take my place again in this family which has been very good to me. My relationship with my mother-in-law has since been mended and it is better than it has ever been.

This conflict did an amazing thing for our struggles with infertility, because it brought it to our families in a way that we were having difficulties doing and it allowed us to have the support of our families that we so wanted, as they now have a better idea of what it really means to have someone so close to them dealing with so much pain. People whom they love so much but had been cheated out of really being there for them, because they did not share much about what they were really going through, mainly for fear that they would not understand and be capable of dealing with a situation such as this.

My mother-in-law now has two grandchildren, a girl and a boy and she is so happy. I am also happy that at long last, my husband and I were able to give her a grandchild, a boy whom she is so in love with and often says, “now there is someone to carry on the family’s name.” She also had a hand in his care in the first couple weeks of his life, as we sent for her to be a part of this experience that she had yearned for, for so long and she totally enjoyed it. God is so faithful.

This is my story, are there others like this out there. Would you have reacted in the same way I did, when I heard the news of my brother and his wife’s pregnancy and I am wrong to have reacted in this way. Please do not hesitate to give me your comments.

Do remember, if you are currently dealing with a situation such as this, time does heal and if honesty is involved in these conflicts, even though feelings might be hurt initially, a better relationship most times will result, so be encouraged and until next time, keep clinging to hope.

Just a light moment and my intent is only for humor, but did you know that mother-in-law scrambled spells, ‘woman-hitler.’ Bet you it is someone who is having a bad relationship with their mother-in-law that came up with this.

IS IT WRONG TO WANT SOMETHING SO BADLY???

Children are a gift from the Lord; they are a real blessing.

Children born to a young man, are like sharp arrows in a warrior's hand.

Psalm 127 verses 3 & 4

I love children, and after marriage and the time was right, I thought it would be easy having some of my own. Unfortunatley, infertility set in and I saw my dream shattering before my very eyes. I wanted to have children so badly and as my struggles progressed, my yearning only intensified.


My yearning was so overwhelming and crippling and many times I felt guilty that I was yearning so much. I even felt I was doing something terribly wrong by yearning so much.


I remember one day, I was feeling particularly tired and beaten up by my struggles with infertility and had the chance to talk to a friend. It was the first time she was hearing of my struggles with infertility and so I was at least expecting some words of encouragement, after pouring my heart out to her, but instead she said to me, "you want to have a baby so badly, oh." I was taken aback, whatever does she mean, I thought, is it wrong to want to have a child so badly? It did not make it any easier to hear this from her for the mere fact that she herself was a mother and therefore would never know what it feels like to want to have a child and is being prevented. Her comment however still left me feeling guilty that I was yearning so much for a child and this guilt was greater than before.


There were other instances in my struggle that made me feel as if I was yearning too much for a child. I remember hearing that someone had said that I was allowing my yearning for a child to cause distress to my husband. I was saddened and angry to hear this and if I had not heard it from a third party I would have confronted the person. She too is a mother and even a grandmother. This particular incident had me feeling that persons were seeing me as this obsessed person who was consumed with my struggles to have a child so this added greatly to my guilt of yearning. It did not help either that by this time I was also consumed with the feeling that I wanted to prove to other women that I was as normal as they were, I could conceive a child just as they could, I could be a mother, have a family just as they do, after all, am I not deserving of even just that. I was however wondering if it was because my motives for wanting a child seemed a little bit selfish at times, why God was not answering my prayers.


My question therefore is, "is it wrong to want something so badly." I know it can be wrong to yearn for things that are not necessarily good for us, the job with the office with a view, the beachhouse where we can take our family for summer vacations, the bank account with the huge overdraft facility, but how can it be wrong to want a child, to want a family to whom we can give and experience unconditional love. A family that is there for us when others can't. My answer then can only be no, it is not wrong at all to yearn for these things as they are very much a natural part of our lives, a part of who we are and a part of who we will ever become.


I have been reading a lot of blogs by people experiencing infertility and with each one I read, there is one thing that stands out, there is a strong yearning for children, for a family to call their own and they are leaving no stones unturned nor sparing any costs to satisfy this yearning.


In closing I want to say to you who continue to yearn in this way, do not for one minute feel guilty for yearning so much, do not for one minute feel like you are doing anything wrong in yearning so much, yearn on, fight on, in the end it will be well worth it.



ALL THE BEST TO YOU, and until next time, keep clinging to hope.

Living in a world and feeling like you don’t belong……..

“Children are a gift from the Lord; they are a reward from him.
Children born to a young man are like sharp arrows in a warrior’s hand.”
Psalm 127: 3 & 4

Persons struggling with infertility live in a world that is their home and yet feel like they do not belong and daily life becomes more and more difficult as they struggle to find places to go and company to be in, that does not remind them of their infertility.

This can certainly shatter your world and it is more painful when you have been dreaming your whole life of how you want your life to turn out, the handsome husband, the beautiful kids and the house with the white picket fence. Then reality strikes and you realize that this dream has now turned into a nightmare as you struggle to feel a part of a world that does not seem to care too much that your dreams have betrayed you.

There were many times in my struggles, when I felt like I would run, just run to the hills and hopefully find a cave where I could spend the rest of my life, with my only company being my self- pity, my pain, my tears and the creatures that makes that environment their home. Yes, it was that difficult. I was feeling so alone in my misery that a cave would not make much of a difference from how I was living every day.

I was angry at the world for shutting me out. I thought it was cruel, insensitive and selfish and at times felt like I did not want to exist in it anymore. There was nowhere that did not remind me of my affliction and hardly any company in which I felt comfortable being who I was. Even the company of my husband reminded me that I was aching so much to give him a family, a family I knew he would love and care for so much, because that is what he does best, love care and nurture.

I often wondered why God allowed this kind of affliction on mankind when the world is obviously not equipped to embrace and include those of us who find ourselves in these positions. You are expected to attend birthday parties, baby showers among other events featuring children and oftentimes have to actually will yourself to show up. I know many did not know the extent of what I was going through because as I mentioned in my last post, I could not talk about it, but the little that people knew and suspected, still did not seem to make much of a difference as it still fueled comments such as, ‘You want a baby so bad oh,’ ‘I do not think that I would be so upset about infertility,’ and ‘Why is she stressing out her family,’ among others (mind you, these are people with family). This is why I became more and more terrified to say what I was really going through to avoid worst comments.

I am wondering if I was able to talk freely about my struggles, what kind of support I would have received? Would I have been helped or would I have come out feeling still judged and misunderstood? This post is in no way one that is casting blame on people for contributing to the misery that I went through, because I know it must be hard to support people dealing with issues like these and worst if they are oblivious to this fact. Now that I am on the other side of the fence, I am finding it difficult, even with my experience, to support people currently dealing with infertility and so I know all too well that this is no easy task. I am just re-iterating the fact that the world we are expected to exist in, is not equipped to help us co-op with many unfortunate circumstances in our lives and so we ourselves have to find and employ the coping skills that we need.

Many of you know by now that I struggled for over a decade and so you might be wondering, apart from the goodness and faithfulness of God, what did I do for myself to make it through this. Well, after examining my situation, I made a choice to do more things for me and that included not being in places that caused me more pain, if it was at all in my control. There were times when my husband and I would just go out and have dinner and if I felt for the most expensive thing on the menu, as long as when the bill comes, they would not have to call the police on us or have us wash dishes, I would order it. I would now and then purchase new items of clothing and this was particularly around Mother’s Day. Then there were times when my husband and I would take off to the beach in the middle of the week (that is when we like the beach anyway) or just go out sighting seeing and then have an ice cream cone afterwards. If we could have afforded more travelling, then I am sure we would have done a lot of that too, because, believe me, those things helped in the chaos, that was my life.

I must apologize if there is a venting tone detected in this post, but today I was reliving some of the struggles I endured fighting infertility and was feeling particularly sorry for myself and others of you struggling in this regard and thinking how sad it is that some of us are subjected to this kind of pain and so, I am sending hugs your way, especially those in 'bloggersland' and reminding you that I am in your corner.

Fight on, though the road be rocky for now, who knows, the best part could be just around the bend and remember, don’t be afraid to employ your coping skills when the need arises.

Until next time, keep clinging to hope.

image by: http://images.google.tt/imgres?imgurl=http://image.guardian.co.uk/sys-images/Arts/Arts_/site_furniture/2007/11/23/alone460.jpg&imgrefurl=http://www.guardian.co.uk/music/musicblog/2007/nov/19/week&usg=__Xf3eLAyEqWGmqLUDDC

Progesterone Infertility

“Children are a gift from the Lord; they are a reward from him.
Children born to a young man are like sharp arrows in a warrior’s hand.”
Psalm 127: 3 & 4

In my research on the causes of infertility, Progesterone Infertility is never mentioned as one the more popular cases of infertility and as a result of this, it does not get the attention as the other more popular ones.

What is Progesterone infertility?

“Progesterone infertility can mean there's either an excess of estrogen, a condition called estrogen dominance, or there's a deficiency of progesterone.
Progesterone and estrogen are two vital hormones to the life and well-being of every woman. However, progesterone is the hormone of fertility and pregnancy.”

Please click on the following links to continue reading about Progesterone infertility and how it can be treated using supplementary progesterone cream. I am not sure how available this product is worldwide, but it does not hurt to ask your doctor about this treatment.

http://www.safemenopausesolutions.com/progesteronein%20http://www.yourlifesource.com/upfold/natural-progesterone-fertility.htmfertility.html

If you have been diagnosed with infertility of this kind, the above sites will be helpful to you.
Just a reminder of one important point I made in my infertility story. When you are diagnosed it is always beneficial to research as much as possible on your condition so that you will be able to contribute to your treatment process in a meaningful and informed manner. This can no doubt lead to a shorter and more productive treatment process so that your dreams of having the family you desire can become a reality much sooner.

Until next time, keep clinging to hope.

HAPPY EASTER!!!!

A HAPPY AND HOLY EASTER TO YOU ALL

As I said in my infertility story, when I was battling infertility, around the holidays I was the saddest. I think it is mainly because holidays are a time for family and good cheer but sadly I could not fully indulge.

Across the world at this time, many will be attending church to reflect on the events of that first Easter, many years ago. To those of us battling infertility and feeling beaten down and hopeless as a result of this, use this opportunity for reflection and renewal as you continue to seek God’s guidance and help to someday be triumphant over this hurdle.

I know it probably will be hard to do this, having been there myself. Sometimes I would be in Church but was just physically there. I could not talk to God, I could not pray I was just so consumed by my pain, but I challenge you nevertheless.

To all others, I want to extend to you the same challenge, Use this time in God’s presence and throughout the rest of this Easter season for reflection and renewal and seeking God more. Our world is so overcome by global recession, natural Disasters, hunger and pain, you name it, and we who are Christians cannot afford to lax, as we continue to pray and hope for a breakthrough.
God’s richest blessings to you.

My next post will be on Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome (PCOS) which many women of reproductive age suffer with. If you are one such, you cannot afford to miss this post.

I AM BACK!!!!!!!

Hello all, you don’t have to miss me any longer, I am back. The problem with my internet has been sorted out. Can you imagine they suspended our internet account for over a month simply because of a mix up with my landlord’s name, (as the internet account is in his name), and took so long to sort it out. Sometimes we are subjected to such unnecessary inconvenience. Anyway, that is over and thank God I am back.

As I said in my last post, so much has happened over the time that I was away and I know you are anxious to hear about them. Let’s see, where do I begin? Well, I suffered another miscarriage at two months gestational age and found out to my horror, that my polycystic ovarian syndrome (pcos) is back and worst than ever, my husband lost his job, then the car was taken, as it was attached to my husband’s job, then a few days afterwards, our internet was suspended.

I felt so victimized, it was as if someone had targeted us and was again subjecting us to misery. Blogging has been the best way so far for me to fully come to grips with the struggles I had to endure in my life so far and when that opportunity was taken from me, I felt really empty. I also felt like I was living in the United States of America as everyday you hear stories of persons who have fallen victim to this global recession. Thank God though, our situation is not as bad as we still have good kind people around and we are being truly blessed by them.

Anyway, back to the issue of the miscarriage I suffered, as this is partly what this blog is about. We really was not trying for a baby, at least not right now because we knew that my husband’s job was in jeopardy. When we found out that we were expecting, we were frightened and confused at first but soon after started to embrace it to the point where we became so excited as we had in fact had discussions about a sibling for our son. We were therefore very sad when we learnt that we had lost it. I for one, was horrified as I thought that I was through with miscarriages, but I guess that choice is not mine to make. I was further horrified when I learnt that my pcos was back and was the cause for the miscarriage. My doctor reacted in such a dramatic way when she saw the cysts on my ovaries that I thought she was going to tell me that I had ovarian cancer. I was so relieved when she told me that they were in fact cysts.

And so, I am once again dealing with the effects of a miscarriage and feeling so guilty that I am grieving this loss when we have already been blessed with such a beautiful son. I am loving him and appreciating him even more these days and is even more grateful to God for him. Miscarriages are such horrible experiences that, if I had enemies, I would not wish it on even them. They have such crippling effects and once you experience them you never fully get over them. I gave birth to our daughter's dead body on April 2, 2007 and last week I could not understand why I was feeling so empty and depressed and why certain places (the UWI hospital, Mona, my sister's home where I spent the days following our loss) were appearing in my memory. I soon realised that it was because I was about to relive the horrible loss of our daughter this time two years ago, and this has been happening every year since.

I do not know what to draw from this experience at this time because we were not trying. I remember however, in the years that I was struggling to have a child, I often asked God for even just one and then we would adopt the other so that they can grow up together. If our request was granted, we saw the adoption as our way of giving thanks to God for his blessing of a child by also giving one other child the love of a family which he probably would otherwise not experience. I cannot help but think now that maybe God is holding me to this promise. We are therefore now actively thinking about adoption as soon as we are financially able to do so as our son definitely needs someone to grow up with. Let me hasten to say that when I spoke in one of my earlier posts that as a child I often dreamt of the ‘pitter patter’ of little feet around my home when I was grown, I never meant just two feet, I meant more, and four is such a whole and complete number. I never saw myself with just one child. An old saying goes, “one pickney is not pickney.” I hope I am not discounting the fact that some of us for whatever reason end up with just one. No need to feel cheated or guilty as this is just for me. You just hug your one child and thank God eternally for them because you are still more fortunate than many who have not been able to experience this blessing. You such, continue to be in my thoughts and prayers.

I am somewhat over this miscarriage now because given our present situation, if this child was still on the way, I am not sure how we would be cooping financially and so I must conclude that God knows best. He alone knows tomorrow and so we trust him enough to rest in his care and keeping.

Do not forget to join me for my next post.

HAPPY VALENTINE’S DAY!!!!!!!

Valentine’s Day has taken on new meaning for me since the birth of our son almost two years ago. It is such a beautiful experience as I am now experiencing a love unlike any other that I have experienced before. It’s the love for a child, bone of my bone, flesh of my flesh, a love that is so full, so complete and so unconditional. This gives me so much joy and I am much happier, more fulfilled and feel eternally blessed.

I believe it is indeed love that made this all possible and I cannot think of a better day than Valentine’s Day to say this. It was said that our daughter gave her life so that her other sibling/s might live. She purified my body of all the toxins brought on by my struggle with infertility. The stress, the depression, the fertility drugs and miscarriages. At first it was hard for me to see it this way, as I could not come to terms with the fact that someone so innocent, so pure and precious could be sacrificed in such a cruel way. It was only when I was presented with my beautiful healthy son, then and only then did I embrace the fact that this is indeed so. My delivery was difficult, yet he was resilient through it all. More resilient than I was, as I came down with a fever. Our daughter was watching over him. Our daughter gave her life without even knowing it, (and that’s the beauty of it), so that her brother could live. WHAT GREAT LOVE. That is why she is in heaven with the one who did it first for us all, gave his life so that we all can live.

I believe our daughter is watching over us and she lives through her brother, as one child could not be so smart, so innocent, so daring, so full of life, such a blessing to have.

We are not able to do anything fancy this Valentine’s Day because of the global economic crisis. I am quite alright with that because I have the two special men in my life and it does not matter if we go out or stay home. We still have a love that binds us all together, the love of family, to celebrate and that can be done without money.

Last year we decided to go out and took our son with us. Why we did this was because we found that he loved his car seat and when we took him out he would just sit in it very quietly and look around. We decided to brave it and take him with us to have dinner. He was quite alright, checking out the scenery and seemed quite happy with himself and so we proceeded to having our dinner, and thinking that we have the best son in the world. A couple minutes into dinner, lo and behold he started fussing, luckily a waitress was available and so she took him while we finished our dinner. Flushed with embarrassment, I finished my dinner, not even tasting it anymore (to think that it costs us so much and I was not enjoying it anymore). We finished our dinner, paid the tab and left quickly, vowing that we would find a babysitter next time. OH THE JOYS OF PARENTHOOD.

To all of you struggling with infertility and holding out hope that one Valentine’s Day you will be able to experience love of this kind. I cannot say it enough, DO NOT GIVE UP, keep on doing what you are doing and one day, your efforts will I am sure be rewarded. In the mean time for Valentine’s Day, you could do something special for another child, a needy child perhaps. You’ll feel so good about yourself and that will put a better perspective on Valentine’s Day for you.

AGAIN, HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY

My Infertility Story – Dealing with miscarriages cont'd.

As promised, here are some tips for picking up the pieces and moving on after a miscarriage or miscarriages, for you my readers who find yourselves in this position:-

Your miscarriage/s could be recently or a while now, but the point is, you never get over them and its worst if you have not had subsequent successful pregnancies, to take some of the focus off those that you have lost. If we were not blessed to have had our son a year after we lost our daughter, then I am scared to even think how I would be feeling now.

• With that said, what I want to say to persons dealing with miscarriages, is to grieve in your own way. Do not let anyone tell you how to grieve and when to stop grieving and move on. This is all up to you, or else you’ll find that you are not able to pick up the pieces and move on at all. I remember during my grief period, I took some time off from going out socially, as I did not think I would have been able to coop with normal life as it were. After a while, a friend said to me, Annetta, it is now time to come back out. I knew she meant well and I figured it was because I was missed, especially at Church, but I was upset as I felt it was not up to her to tell me when to move on.
• You also must cry, crying is good when nothing else can comfort you. After a good cry, you are left with enough energy to make it to the next cry. It is like a rest stop, it rejuvenates and gives you the resolve to forge ahead.
  You also need a support base. My family and friends were there for me in such an amazing way. My husband was phenomenal. Even my doctor was there for me too, he even called me on Mother’s Day, which was the next month. I was so touched by this. Grief of this kind, you cannot handle alone.
• Chances are you are feeling angry and betrayed by God. This is normal, as I felt that way too. Thanks to Dr. Dobson, his book “when God does not make sense,” puts it all in perspective for me. Just to reiterate what he is saying, we do not know why bad things befall us and it is not that we are targeted either. That’s just how life is. Why did my best friend have to die so tragically, or why is it your mother who is diagnosed with cancer, or why am I the only one out of five sisters to be diagnosed with infertility or the only child out of seven to get my father’s stuttering. No one knows, and the sooner we make peace with this, it will save us the energy we use to be angry with God so that we can channel that energy into picking up the pieces and moving on.
• You might also be having suicidal thoughts. This seem normal as I had them too and others I know of. My opinion with suicidal thoughts is that for some, they are just co-oping mechanisims and for others they are more than just that as sadly they are actually acted up on. When you have them you are actually picturing yourself dead and therefore rid of the problems that you face and this infact makes them a little lighter to carry for the moment. I find that soon after I had those thoughts, I was jolted back into reality, as I began to feel so guilty and selfish that I would actually want to put my loved ones through that kind of pain.
• If you feel you want to hold on to something from the experience, do that, it helps, it is comforting and the time will come when you can let it go. I chose to hold on to my shower items and after a while, I was able to share them with another friend who was pregnant. It was hard as I cried so much when she left with them, because I felt she was taking away a piece of my daughter.
• If you find that you are approaching the end of your reproductive years, and you have exhausted all your options, then adoption is still a good alternative. I know you might have contemplated it before and so it is now good time to visit this option. Adoption can also be a good option while you are considering your next plan, once you are financially able to do it. I am sure you will have a lot of love to give to this fortunate child who otherwise probably would not have it. I thought of adoption many times, I even went to the Agency for a package which turned out to be my security blanket, as I could not shake the feeling that I in fact wanted my own child.
• Most importantly, DO NOT GIVE UP. Just when you feel like giving up, that is when your triumph could be just around the corner. Many women lose a couple of pregnancies first before they have successful ones, so be encouraged.
  

Trials like these only come to make us strong and I am a testimony to that and I know you will get there too. Just stay the course, let the trials redefine you as a person, let them redefine your life’s purpose. Trust me you will be better off for it.

ALL THE VERY BEST!!!!!!!

In my next posts, I will be talking about my triumph, I cannot believe I am at that point in my story already and I am so excited to share it with you. Do join me.