PRAYER AND INFERTILITY

Children are a gift from the Lord; they are a reward from him.
Children born to a young man are like sharp arrows in a warrior’s hand
Psalm 127: 3 & 4

Throughout my struggles with infertility, I constantly prayed to God to take this hurdle out of my life and allow me to have the children I so desperately wanted. I know those of you currently struggling with infertility is praying this prayer as well and hoping that God , in his mercy, will answer you.

As the years passed and I realized that no answer to my prayers were forthcoming, II began feeling desperate, and wanted to at experience what it felt like to become pregnant, and so, I began saying to God, maybe your will for my husband and myself is not to become parents, this I have to work on accepting but in the meantime, could you just allow me to see what a positive pregnancy test looks like, to experience the symptoms of pregnancy, the nausea, the vomiting the bloating and lo and behold, he answered that prayer. I became pregnant with what was to later be a missed abortion and believe me, I felt all the symptoms and more. I remember asking him again that he allow me to wear maternity clothes that I so often pictured myself in and wanted to wear so badly, because I thought I would make a gorgeous pregnant woman (smile) and that I be allowed to experience the pampering and attention that pregnant women received and I so envied. Well, he answered that too and I became pregnant again and carried that pregnancy to seven months.

I remember telling this to a friend and her advice to me, was that I try praying for what I actually wanted, a child and probably God will grant me this at long last. Would he, I thought, I had been praying for so many years and none was forthcoming. Anyway I left that at that.
When I became pregnant with my son, I was not trying and was not praying for a child either, at least not as yet, because I was on treatment to resume trying again and also had just relocated. When I found out I was pregnant, I began praying in earnest for my unborn child, because I was not prepared to lose this child like the last one. I even told God that if he took this one, he should take me as well because I did not feel that I could go through another loss. Every morning, I would pray and rub my stomach with olive oil (a symbol used in Christianity along with prayers for healing and well-being) and I did this for the duration of my pregnancy. I was still, however, very anxious and frightened, not that I did not trust God, it was because of my previous losses.

I recently heard that some couples begin praying for their unborn child right before intercourse. I found that truly amazing as I had never thought of doing that, I prayed but it was usually after sexual intercourse, that God would not allow this opportunity to go to waste. I wonder if it would have made a difference if I had prayed before. My friend who brought this to my attention was so taken by this as well, she knows of people praying for their unborn child when they actually became pregnant, but not before.

One thing I believe is that these couples must have a special relationship with God and want him involved in all aspects of their plans to have a family, to actually think of doing this. Having done this also, their pregnancy should be anxiety and stress free as they already know that God has ordained it and will have them in his divine care and keeping until delivery. I don’t know about you, but this sounds pretty good to me.

This is truly commendable and I feel that every Christian should begin praying for their unborn child even before conception, as I believe the world would be a much better place with more children being born, who are shaped and molded in Christ even before conception.

Be blessed, therefore and until next time, keep clinging to hope.

IS IT WRONG TO WANT SOMETHING SO BADLY???

Children are a gift from the Lord; they are a real blessing.

Children born to a young man, are like sharp arrows in a warrior's hand.

Psalm 127 verses 3 & 4

I love children, and after marriage and the time was right, I thought it would be easy having some of my own. Unfortunatley, infertility set in and I saw my dream shattering before my very eyes. I wanted to have children so badly and as my struggles progressed, my yearning only intensified.


My yearning was so overwhelming and crippling and many times I felt guilty that I was yearning so much. I even felt I was doing something terribly wrong by yearning so much.


I remember one day, I was feeling particularly tired and beaten up by my struggles with infertility and had the chance to talk to a friend. It was the first time she was hearing of my struggles with infertility and so I was at least expecting some words of encouragement, after pouring my heart out to her, but instead she said to me, "you want to have a baby so badly, oh." I was taken aback, whatever does she mean, I thought, is it wrong to want to have a child so badly? It did not make it any easier to hear this from her for the mere fact that she herself was a mother and therefore would never know what it feels like to want to have a child and is being prevented. Her comment however still left me feeling guilty that I was yearning so much for a child and this guilt was greater than before.


There were other instances in my struggle that made me feel as if I was yearning too much for a child. I remember hearing that someone had said that I was allowing my yearning for a child to cause distress to my husband. I was saddened and angry to hear this and if I had not heard it from a third party I would have confronted the person. She too is a mother and even a grandmother. This particular incident had me feeling that persons were seeing me as this obsessed person who was consumed with my struggles to have a child so this added greatly to my guilt of yearning. It did not help either that by this time I was also consumed with the feeling that I wanted to prove to other women that I was as normal as they were, I could conceive a child just as they could, I could be a mother, have a family just as they do, after all, am I not deserving of even just that. I was however wondering if it was because my motives for wanting a child seemed a little bit selfish at times, why God was not answering my prayers.


My question therefore is, "is it wrong to want something so badly." I know it can be wrong to yearn for things that are not necessarily good for us, the job with the office with a view, the beachhouse where we can take our family for summer vacations, the bank account with the huge overdraft facility, but how can it be wrong to want a child, to want a family to whom we can give and experience unconditional love. A family that is there for us when others can't. My answer then can only be no, it is not wrong at all to yearn for these things as they are very much a natural part of our lives, a part of who we are and a part of who we will ever become.


I have been reading a lot of blogs by people experiencing infertility and with each one I read, there is one thing that stands out, there is a strong yearning for children, for a family to call their own and they are leaving no stones unturned nor sparing any costs to satisfy this yearning.


In closing I want to say to you who continue to yearn in this way, do not for one minute feel guilty for yearning so much, do not for one minute feel like you are doing anything wrong in yearning so much, yearn on, fight on, in the end it will be well worth it.



ALL THE BEST TO YOU, and until next time, keep clinging to hope.

Living in a world and feeling like you don’t belong……..

“Children are a gift from the Lord; they are a reward from him.
Children born to a young man are like sharp arrows in a warrior’s hand.”
Psalm 127: 3 & 4

Persons struggling with infertility live in a world that is their home and yet feel like they do not belong and daily life becomes more and more difficult as they struggle to find places to go and company to be in, that does not remind them of their infertility.

This can certainly shatter your world and it is more painful when you have been dreaming your whole life of how you want your life to turn out, the handsome husband, the beautiful kids and the house with the white picket fence. Then reality strikes and you realize that this dream has now turned into a nightmare as you struggle to feel a part of a world that does not seem to care too much that your dreams have betrayed you.

There were many times in my struggles, when I felt like I would run, just run to the hills and hopefully find a cave where I could spend the rest of my life, with my only company being my self- pity, my pain, my tears and the creatures that makes that environment their home. Yes, it was that difficult. I was feeling so alone in my misery that a cave would not make much of a difference from how I was living every day.

I was angry at the world for shutting me out. I thought it was cruel, insensitive and selfish and at times felt like I did not want to exist in it anymore. There was nowhere that did not remind me of my affliction and hardly any company in which I felt comfortable being who I was. Even the company of my husband reminded me that I was aching so much to give him a family, a family I knew he would love and care for so much, because that is what he does best, love care and nurture.

I often wondered why God allowed this kind of affliction on mankind when the world is obviously not equipped to embrace and include those of us who find ourselves in these positions. You are expected to attend birthday parties, baby showers among other events featuring children and oftentimes have to actually will yourself to show up. I know many did not know the extent of what I was going through because as I mentioned in my last post, I could not talk about it, but the little that people knew and suspected, still did not seem to make much of a difference as it still fueled comments such as, ‘You want a baby so bad oh,’ ‘I do not think that I would be so upset about infertility,’ and ‘Why is she stressing out her family,’ among others (mind you, these are people with family). This is why I became more and more terrified to say what I was really going through to avoid worst comments.

I am wondering if I was able to talk freely about my struggles, what kind of support I would have received? Would I have been helped or would I have come out feeling still judged and misunderstood? This post is in no way one that is casting blame on people for contributing to the misery that I went through, because I know it must be hard to support people dealing with issues like these and worst if they are oblivious to this fact. Now that I am on the other side of the fence, I am finding it difficult, even with my experience, to support people currently dealing with infertility and so I know all too well that this is no easy task. I am just re-iterating the fact that the world we are expected to exist in, is not equipped to help us co-op with many unfortunate circumstances in our lives and so we ourselves have to find and employ the coping skills that we need.

Many of you know by now that I struggled for over a decade and so you might be wondering, apart from the goodness and faithfulness of God, what did I do for myself to make it through this. Well, after examining my situation, I made a choice to do more things for me and that included not being in places that caused me more pain, if it was at all in my control. There were times when my husband and I would just go out and have dinner and if I felt for the most expensive thing on the menu, as long as when the bill comes, they would not have to call the police on us or have us wash dishes, I would order it. I would now and then purchase new items of clothing and this was particularly around Mother’s Day. Then there were times when my husband and I would take off to the beach in the middle of the week (that is when we like the beach anyway) or just go out sighting seeing and then have an ice cream cone afterwards. If we could have afforded more travelling, then I am sure we would have done a lot of that too, because, believe me, those things helped in the chaos, that was my life.

I must apologize if there is a venting tone detected in this post, but today I was reliving some of the struggles I endured fighting infertility and was feeling particularly sorry for myself and others of you struggling in this regard and thinking how sad it is that some of us are subjected to this kind of pain and so, I am sending hugs your way, especially those in 'bloggersland' and reminding you that I am in your corner.

Fight on, though the road be rocky for now, who knows, the best part could be just around the bend and remember, don’t be afraid to employ your coping skills when the need arises.

Until next time, keep clinging to hope.

image by: http://images.google.tt/imgres?imgurl=http://image.guardian.co.uk/sys-images/Arts/Arts_/site_furniture/2007/11/23/alone460.jpg&imgrefurl=http://www.guardian.co.uk/music/musicblog/2007/nov/19/week&usg=__Xf3eLAyEqWGmqLUDDC

“The sun will come out tomorrow”

“Children are a gift from the Lord; they are a reward from him.

Children born to a young man are like sharp arrows in a warrior’s hand.”
Psalm 127: 3 & 4

Are you feeling particularly beaten up by infertility today? Are feelings of inadequacy, inferiority and hopelessness crippling you causing you to feel like you want to give up, throw in the towel and find a cave somewhere so that you can be by yourself and wallow in self-pity? As one who has had many of these days during my struggle with primary infertility, I know you have them too.

It is not practical and sensitive of me to say, do not let these days get you down, because that is exactly what they are designed to do, to take the wind out of your sail and cause you to feel like you are being kicked while down.

Instead I will tell you that when those days and those feelings come, it is important that you stay in the moment. Allow yourself to feel the hurt, to feel the pain. Do not get out of bed if you don’t feel like and have to, cry if you feel like, as hard as you possible can because, guess what, “the sun will come out tomorrow, bet your bottom dollar.” The words of this song are so true because I found that somehow when tomorrow came there was usually new energy, new hope and a new resolve steering me onwards. I guess it is because that is what a new day brings, newness. The Psalmist says, “Your mercies are new every morning Lord, great is thy faithfulness.”


I might have mentioned a couple times on my blog that I am a stutterer. Well, I struggle with feelings of inferiority and inadequacy from I was conscious that I stutter. It did not help when I learnt that I would have to deal with infertility as well. To me, that was a double whammy. To say life has been hard for me because of these struggles would be an understatement. With the help of God though, I have managed to overcome one of my struggles as you all know and not only have I overcome this struggle, I have purposed to support and offer encouragement and help in my own small way to others who are struggling in this regard, by way of this blog. That is a great accomplishment I must say, as I did not know that I would ever be at this place in my life.

What I am saying then is if I did not give up (and at times had good reasons to), I have confidence that you won’t either and you will be a better person for it. It was brought to my attention recently by a fellow blogger that we who struggle are more sensitive and empathetic to others. For quite some time now I find that I surround myself with people who at times need a listening ear and a shoulder to cry on, so this seem very true. I guess it is because we understand pain all too well, we understand yearning and most of all we understand that we cannot take anything or anyone for granted and guess what, we are better friends, better brothers, better sisters, overall better individuals because of this, so, when the bad days and the feelings of inferiority and inadequacy comes, just remember this and you won’t feel too shabby at all. I take comfort in this as well, to help me deal with my struggles that continues.



Be encouraged therefore, and as usual, keep clinging to hope.

My Infertility Story - My infertility and my family cont'd.

Wow, when I was diagnosed with infertility, I really did not know how hard it would have been to talk to my family about it, to secure the support that one would need from their family in situations such as this. I thought it would have been easy at least to talk to my husband since he is the closest to me, but sadly this was not the case. It was as my struggle progressed that I realized that I felt embarrassed whenever I thought of sharing my story with my family and became even more embarrassed as time passed, to the point that I did not want to try anymore. I guess apart from the embarrassment I felt, I just thought they would not understand and would probably say things to make me more upset.

Where the rest of my family is concerned, as I mentioned before, I tried to talk to them occasionally about my infertility, but unfortunately did not get very far, as embarrassment would begin to set in or something would be said to turn me off. The little that they knew about my struggles, therefore, was sadly not enough to secure the kind of support that one would expect from their family.

I wanted so much a connection with my family so that they would ask me what is happening with me where children were concerned, when they realised that time was passing and I was not having any. I would have jumped at that opportunity to talk but unfortunately I waited and waited and sadly it did not happen.

The only question my mom, would ask was, “when are you going to pay the man back for his ring?” (She means giving my husband a child). I found this quite amusing at first but as my infertility progressed, I was not happy anymore to hear it and her other comments. My Dad, I remember visiting him once and was telling him that one of my sisters was expecting a second child. I really did not see his response coming. “What about you, he asked, you are wasting time.” I did not know if I was to cry or just grab my things and run until I reached my home. I was so upset and taken aback, as I thought my father would at least be on my side, as I think he understands me more than anyone else in my family.

Once my father took ill and my sister and I journeyed out to the country to see him. I was so excited about this trip as I had made a vow that I would use this time and fill my sister in about my struggle with infertility. I could not say a word, the cat must have had my tongue as I could not find it. I was so devastated I felt like crying.

I remember once I was talking to one of my sisters and I was beginning to divulge some of the emotional battles I was having. I was feeling very good about this, as this was the first time I was actually reaching this far with any one from my family. The wind was ripped from my sail as she began to tell me that she is really not sure that she would be so upset and depressed about infertility. I did not know what to say. She has a child I thought, how could she know what yearning for a child feels like.

On yet another occasion, I was telling another family member that I was at the supermarket earlier that day and it felt like my infertility was punishing me. There were so many cute babies that came into the store and if that was not enough, there were twins among them. I felt as if my infertility was being thrown into my face and so I hurriedly picked up what I went for and got out. To my dismay, my sister said to me, “just try and block things like that.” Block it, I thought, exactly how would I do that. (She has two beautiful children).
I was mortified and vowed that this would be the end of me trying to talk to my family about the struggles I was having with my infertility as clearly they could not help me.

I know if they knew that saying things like those upset me, they would not have said them, and so even as I was feeling upset, I was feeling guilty that I was being so resentful towards them.
Needless to say, the loneliness I felt following this was even more overwhelming, but I thought, I have made it this far on my own so I will carry on, even if it kills me.

More in next post. I am sure by now you do not want to miss the rest.

Welcome to - Finally a Mom

My name is Annetta Price. My husband and I suffered with infertility for over a decade. Early in our marriage, I was diagnosed with a common condition known as Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome which resulted in infertility.

My plan is to share with you my journey of struggles, anxiety, tears and disappointment and eventually, the triumphant victory of finally becoming a mother. This blog and my website, http://www.finallyamom.com/ exist to provide information, support, comfort and hope to other families who might be having similar experiences.