MR. STORK, ARE YOU PLANNING ON EVER COMING MY WAY AGAIN???

Children are a gift from the Lord; they are a reward from him.

Children born to a young man are like sharp arrows in a warrior’s hand

Psalm 127: 3 and 4

“HOPE MAKES ALL THE DIFFERENCE"

Our son is home for a month for Christmas holidays and every day, more and more, I find myself thinking about a certain very elegant ,white, feathered fellow, and wondering if he has any plans of ever coming our way again.

Our son needs a sibling so badly, as he seems to think that we, his parents are his siblings. Throughout the days, he constantly wants me to build fortes on his bed and read stories to him under those fortes, (picture a three year old and an adult on a toddler bed, and he does not seem to understand that the bed is just not big enough for both of us). I must say, I enjoy reading stories to him, even if it is on a toddler bed, under a forte, because I have tried on many occasions to read to him when he was a baby and all he wanted to do, was to spin the pages of the book himself and eat them. He also wants me to bounce with him on the beds and for me, after a couple of bounces, I have to collapse on the bed because I am out of breath. The other day he had me outside doing laps around the apartment with him. Before long I was totally out of it and he seemed as if he had just started. I sat down for a while with my hand on my cheeks, only to have him come up to me and asked ‘Mommy, why so sad, what’s wrong?’ I told him I was tired from running. He immediately said to me,” that’s alright mommy we can still run” and before I knew it, he had me running again. By the way, can anyone guess my age? Medical experts say, the best time to have children is in your twenties and it is not only for the reason that women are more fertile at that age, they also have more energy to deal with these babies who, before long turn into very active toddlers. It was never the intention, for a woman aged  forty-something be running behind toddlers (smile). I am however, not complaining at all, in fact I am very grateful for my son, and would not exchange him for anything.

I am finding out that almost everyone I know who had just one child, has a second one on the way and that is giving me the encouragement to continue our efforts in this regard. I would be lying if I said that my age was not scaring me, because it is and I also have my PCOS issues to contend with.  All in all, I owe it to myself, my husband and most of all, our son, to do this, because I strongly believe that every child needs at least one sibling to be there beside them as they grow up. I had the privilege of having six siblings and my life would not have been the same if I did not have them.

I talk a lot about adopting, if our efforts to have another biological child fails, but more and more I am hearing how long and tedious adoption is, and so I would prefer to see what our chances are with a biological one first, then if those efforts fail, we will then put all those efforts into adoption and be prepared to be in it for the long haul, because our bottom line is, We are scared to think that our son might have to grow up alone and it was never our intention for that to happen. He does have cousins, but they are far away and many are much older than he is and so even when they get together, he would still be disadvantaged, given his age.

I know God is on our side and I know you are too, continue to keep us in your thoughts and prayers.

DEALING WITH PREGNANT FRIENDS WHILE STRUGGLING WITH INFERTILITY

Children are a gift from the Lord; they are a reward from him.
Children born to a young man are like sharp arrows in a warrior’s hand
Psalm 127: 3 & 4

"HOPE MAKES ALL THE DIFFERENCE"

For anyone dealing with infertility, it is certain that at some point or another through out your struggle, you will have to deal pregnant friends.

In an earlier post, I spoke about how dealing with babies was one of my greatest difficulty while struggling with infertility. Well, dealing with pregnant friends was right up there with dealing with babies for me.

I remember a very good friend of mine became pregnant and when I heard, I cried myself to sleep. Of course I was as happy as I could have been then, for her, but I was also devastated because I was married a couple of years before her and as the time came that I expected her to start her family, I started picturing both of us being pregnant and our children growing up together.

I remember beginning to feel afraid and helpless, as I began thinking that our relationship would surely be affected by this, because we were very close and saw each other a lot and the sight of her from there on, would be a constant reminder of what I wanted so much, to become pregnant, to be a mother.

While she was going through her early pregnancy symptoms, I remember her visiting and later said to me, “Marie, I feel so sick, you would never understand.” I do not know why I was so upset to hear her say this, and I knew she did not mean to upset me in any way, but I was, and immediately snapped back at her in my mind, “of course I do not understand, I have never been pregnant, don't rub it in girl.”

As her pregnancy progressed, I noticed that our relationship became more and more strained, so much so that when she had her baby, I did not hear from her or her family, I heard by the way. I wanted to feel sad about this, but I could not because this was really my fault, I had pulled away from my friend because I could not deal with her pregnancy. I went to visit her in the hospital, even though I was feeling ashamed and guilty and vowed that I would make up for the time our friendship had lost.

I was later named one of the godparents for her child and I remember declining at first, because I thought I did not deserve it.

When I became pregnant in 2005, another of my good friends became pregnant as well. I was really excited because now I finally had a friend to share this wonderful journey with. I was due June 2006 and she was due July 2006.

Sadly I lost mine and she went on to have hers. She visited me several times before she gave birth and this was difficult for me to say the least, because as you can well imagine she now became a constant reminder of my horrible loss. I was thrown a shower before I knew I would have lost my pregnancy and I reluctantly share some of the gifts I had received with her. I remember when she left with the things, I cried, because I felt I was taking something away from the memory of my pregnancy, from the memory of my daughter, and it was just still too fresh.

I remember telling her when she was about to go into the hospital to have her baby, that I did not think I could deal with visiting a maternity ward when I had just lost my baby. She was very understanding, but I could still see the disappointment in her face. Then the call came that she had the baby, but the baby was immediately taken to the nursery without her seeing him. She also told me that she was bleeding profusely and they were not able to stop it. I remember beginning to cry and started thinking, wow, I cannot lose my friend, I cannot go through another loss, no, not so soon. I was also very concerned for her baby because I know that when they take your baby so suddenly without you seeing them first, something is wrong.

Before I knew it, I was at the hospital and at that time I was not at all concerned with my own discomfort and grief, my friend needed me and I had to be there.

They soon were able to control her bleeding and we later learnt that the baby was born with some breathing and brain problems. He had to spend some time in the hospital but he is three years old now and doing just fine, being any typical boy of his age.

This was when I believe my healing from the loss of my baby actually took a turn for the better, because here I was reaching out to someone, (who was in jeopardy of losing everything, her life and her child), and this instantly caused my own pain to become pale in comparison.

I know many of you would do this for your friend as well, so even though you might be having difficulties dealing with their pregnancies, be encouraged because if your friends should ever need you at anytime throughout their pregnancy, you will be there for them without even thinking about your own misery.

Below is a link with recommendations, which I think could help you deal with pregnant friends as you struggle with infertility. Read and be encouraged and until next time, keep clinging to hope.

http://ldsinfertility.blogspot.com/2010/01/how-to-cope-with-pregnant-friends.html

BABIES, BABIES, EVERYWHERE!!!!!- Cooping with babies while dealing with infertility.

Children are a gift from the Lord; they are a reward from him.
Children born to a young man are like sharp arrows in a warrior’s hand
Psalm 127: 3 & 4

"HOPE MAKES ALL THE DIFFERENCE"

Have you ever noticed that whenever you are struggling with something, this is when situations relating to that which you struggle with, come at you from all angles, to actually test the fabric of your being and cause you to feel even worst.

So may things affected me when I was dealing with infertility and the sight of babies was one such, and was easily one of the hardest things I ever had to deal with during this struggle.
For persons I knew who were pregnant, (and this sadly included my family as well), I would make it through their pregnancies, (as hard as it was) but as soon as the babies arrive, my misery was taken to another level. I am not sure why, but I am led to believe that it is because the babies were there now, in the flesh, in all their ‘bundle of joy glory' and it made me feel so sad, that I was not the recipient of any. I was not holding one in my arms, and feeling like the luckiest woman in the world, instead I was there feeling jealous and defeated and so sorry for myself.

It did not matter if I was in a good mood before I saw a baby, my mood always took a down-turn from there. I remember I went for groceries one Sunday. I do not normally shop for groceries on Sundays but now and then I sneak one in because grocery shopping takes on a new dimension for me when I do it on Sundays as I find it so relaxing. This particular Sunday, it was like babies were coming from out of the walls of the supermarket. There were babies, babies everywhere, twin ones, cute ones, you name it. I could not believe my eyes. I felt as if they were all looking at me in my distress and taunting me. So much for my leisurely Sunday shopping, I had to hurry up and finish my shopping for the sake of my sanity. Needless to say, my whole entire evening was ruined. I remember relating this to a family member, who had called soon after I got home and her response totally added to the downturn of my evening, she said, “try and block things like those.” Block it? I said to myself, how does one do that? I know she was trying to help her dear sister, but that goal was certainly not accomplished in my book and it really did not help and made me feel worst because she had children and would therefore never ever know what situations like these feel like.

Everyone who wants children and has to struggle with infertility or other reasons for not having them, do deal with this difficult situation and I regret that I do not have any recommendations of my own, for cooping in this regard, having gone through this because, put simply, I just did not cope. What I realised however, and maybe that helped me cope, was that when I allowed myself to remain in the presense of babies, even holding them, (albeit difficult), I walked out of the situaton feeling so much better.

Here is an article that offers suggestions on how you can cope with babies while dealing with infertility, without going over the deep end.
http://ldsinfertility.blogspot.com/2010/01/how-to-cope-with-babies-during.html

From article- recommendations:-

1. “Accept that exposure to babies is a reality of life. Even though it feels as if infertility has stopped your world, the rest of the world continues to move along its merry path of fertility. Facing this reality head on will spare you being blindsided as frequently.”


Be encouraged therefore, and until next time, keep clinging to hope.

IS IT POSSIBLE TO FIND TOTAL FULFILLMENT IN LIFE WITHOUT HAVING CHILDREN?

Children are a gift from the Lord; they are a reward from him.
Children born to a young man are like sharp arrows in a warriors hand
Psalm 127: 3 & 4

I was reading a post by a young lady the other day, who suffers from infertility, who, after various failed treatments, have now decided to stop trying to get pregnant and go back to living her life.

I can well imagine that this is one of the hardest decisions she has ever had to make and she is also very aware that having made this decision, just as when she was trying to get pregnant, there will be difficult day to day issues that she will have to face.

For people suffering with infertility, this is also a very important decision to make because it is recommended that you come to terms with the fact that at some point you really have to consider stop trying to get pregnant, whether it be for financial, emotional or other reasons.
From her post, I want to highlight and comment on some of the arguments she has put forward supporting her decision, as she now seeks to transition into living a life without children.

“ Meaning quest. I thought a child would imbue my life with a new sense of focus and purpose. Infertility has created a meaning vacuum. It has ignited in me a renewed sense of obligation to unearth my passions and work towards goals. Mothers often describe the experience of giving birth as the most incredible thing they ever experienced, holding their infant for the first time as transcendent, and raising children as “the toughest job you’ll ever love.” I feel the need to create comparable peak experiences and ongoing projects. There is a pressure to craft a life well lived, even though I will never raise children.”

There is nothing really wrong in wanting to craft a life well lived, even though you will never raise children, and it is very natural to want to do this. The problem is though, there still remains a vacuum that nothing else except children can fill. You can seek to create experiences comparable to that of having and raising children, get involved in ongoing projects, but from experiences, all that happens here is that you get so busy that you are forced to think about your inability to have children less. This is not by any means a bad thing, but it does not take away the pain, or the yearning, nor does it take away the empty space that children would have filled.

I tried all these things, I travelled to the extent that I could afford, I at times even did a little bit of shopping to boost my spirits, I do the expensive dining out, I enrolled in courses and threw myself deeply into things I was involved in. None of these things helped, I was still as sad, as empty and unfulfilled as ever.

Further in her post, she had this to say, “Writing this, I am for the first time acknowledging my own strength and courage in living with infertility and finally making the decision to be childfree. Emboldened, I ask of those blessed with their own children to consider the following: Your family is your good fortune. Not everyone else is as lucky. Please be self-aware about when, to whom, how and especially how much you talk about your children. Just as it is not flattering to be openly bitter about infertility, nor is it becoming to be boastful about one’s parental pride.”

Before I had my son, I was on the same page as this person, I would be annoyed with people whose company I was in, some of whom knew about my infertility and the conversations became of their children and I too thought these people were ‘boastful about their parental pride.’

It was only after I had our son and I realized how fortunate and blessed we were and find that we jumped at every opportunity to talk about our son, that I realized that parents are generally very eager to talk about their children, even boast a little. Further, if they have never experienced infertility, it is not fair to expect them to know exactly how you are feeling and avoid causing you discomfort in situations, even if they know that you are struggling in this regard.

To further drive home my point, I remember when we lost our daughter in 2007, I was in the hospital and had some visitors. I was understandably very grief-stricken and felt even worse when those same visitors began talking about their children. Who was off visiting grandma, who was just enrolled in preschool and who was adjusting to day-care. I thought these people were insensitive,as I was lying there about to give birth to our dead child. How much clearer could it be that this was not the appropriate time to have conversations about your children, as it was not only about infertility now, I was grieving in plain sight, for our daughter whom I had lost and I could not believe they saw it fit to add to my grief in this way. I was on the verge of telling my husband to ask them to leave.

Sincethen, it has come home to me all too clearly that people who struggle with infertility have to find their own resolve, as unfortunately, this world is in no way equipped to be there for such people as they would have liked it to. That is why infertility is such a lonely journey.

In view of the above, I can say that surely this is going to be a difficult journey for this young lady, as she will have to deal with so many difficult situations. There will be constant reminders of the opportunity she has given up. Every pregnant woman or baby she sees will only be a reminder for her and sadly, she will have to endure a lot more conversations and ‘boasting’ about children, and the mere fact that she had to ask others to make adjustments to accommodate her, tells me that she probably was not ready to make this decision, also the fact that it seem she will be in constant pursuit of a fulfilled life, she will never be able to find it because she will not be going about it in a natural and healthy manner, she will be doing it to prove to people with children that she can live a fulfilled life without children and that, I believe, kills it for her. She can have a life ‘well-lived’, I believe, but not one as fulfilled as having children brings. I am very aware that there are some persons who have made the decision from the onset, not to have children and would like to think that these people have their formulae for fulfillment. I however cannot say the same for people who initially wanted children and have to give up on that dream due to infertility, as there are instances in life when a child’s innocent laughter, a cute remark, or just something hilarious that they do, are the only things sometimes that can truly add meaning to a otherwise stressful and mundane life.

Might I add that the effects from making the decision to stop trying for children usually does not disappear after you have passed childbearing age, because now you begin to wonder if you made the right decision. If you would have become pregnant, had you not made this decision, and if you really had children who would they look like, and what they would become in life.

With all that said, I must say, I applaud this woman's courage and strength as she is doing something that I do not think myself and many others could do. I had thoughts of doing this several time in my struggles but just could not find the strength. Please find her complete post by following the link below and until next times, keep clinging to hope.

http://parenting.blogs.nytimes.com/2009/09/10/life-after-infertility-treatments-fail/

ARE OUR DOCTORS COLD AND CALLOUS???

“Children are a gift from the Lord; they are a reward from him.
Children born to a young man are like sharp arrows in a warrior’s hand.”
Psalm 127: 3 & 4

This post is written with due respect to our doctors and their profession.

Recently this has been on my mind, how can a doctor tell a woman that she will never be able to have children or that she should never get pregnant or try to have any more children.

A friend of mine was told by a doctor that she should never get pregnant. She said this was so hard to hear and she could never picture her life without children. As I sat and listened to her, something came over me, something so familiar because for many years, I was forced to picture my life without children and it was really one of the most difficult things I ever had to do. Today this friend is very pregnant, a difficult pregnancy of course but she is an ardent Christian and is totally relying on God to see her through this pregnancy. She should give birth in a couple of days.

There is someone else I know who had one child at the time and wanted another, her doctor told her she should not try to get pregnant again. Of course, she had her second child and both are doing fine up to this day and I am sure there are many other such stories out there.

I know these doctors are advising their patients against pregnancy because of medical issues that could endanger their lives and the lives of their babies, should they get pregnant, but I still think this is a cold and callous thing to do. Maybe they could find some other way of telling their patients news like this and have them involved in the process as much as possible. I am also thinking that probably, many doctors who are guilty of this are male and therefore will never be able to know what it feels like when a woman finds out she can never have children. I know this affects men too, but not in the same way as it affects women. For women, the pain is more raw and more personal. I guess it is because it is women who carry the pregnancies.

Another thing that doctors do is put timeline on people’s lives. When there is a diagnosis of a terminal illness, doctors tell their patients how much time they have left to live. As a Christian, who believes that God gives life and takes it away, this is one thing that I have a problem accepting. Senator Ted Kennedy was told he was lucky if he lived for six months after his brain tumor diagnosis and he lived fifteen months. The story was told at church on Sunday of a gentleman, a former pastor who was told he had five years to live after a surgery many years ago, and he lived twenty more years and I could go on and on with stories like these.

I cannot help but wonder if a doctor’s program of study trains them to be outright with people in such a callous way. I am all for honesty but I have a hard time dealing with honesty of this nature. I cannot imagine a doctor telling me how much time I have left to live because either I would die before the time the doctor give me from just mere fretting, or I turn the situation completely over to my Heavenly Physician. I am really hoping I would do the latter as one cannot say for sure what they would really do, until they are faced with the situation.

I was watching a television pastor once and he was telling a story that he recently went to his doctor for a check-up. His doctor took a chart and began calling out the names of some diseases and asked him if he had them in his family. Each time the pastor replied yes, the doctor ticked off a disease that he would most likely have to face in his life. The Pastor got angry, took the chart from the doctor and began going down the same list of diseases and ticking off as the doctor replied yes to them. The Pastor then said, well doc, I am just giving you an idea of how it feels to be putting timeline on people’s lives. He was simply saying, doc, you do not have that right, my Almighty God has the right to decide what diseases I get and how long a life he has afforded me here on earth. That story left an impression on me, as it happened many years ago and I am still able to relate it.

When I did my laparoscopy (surgery for PCOS) in 2002, I was so nervous and anxious. It was a minor surgery but there was nothing minor about the anxieties I was feeling. The mere fact that I had to go under anesthetic was enough to drive me crazy, that a few days after the surgery I broke out into a rash, which was later diagnosed as a type of eczema brought on by stress. I remember when I walked into the hospital lobby the morning of the surgery, a picture of a doctor with God bent over his shoulders, apparently giving him some instructions, caught my eye and that was the image I took with me into surgery. This gave me the reassurance I needed that I would have made it out of that surgery because I knew God was in charge, I trusted my doctor but I trust God more. I still use that image today whenever I find myself in situations like these. Let me say also that I was given a timeline after this surgery within which to get pregnant and when this timeline expired I was told that only invitro-fertilization could help me at this point. Well here I am today, I did not do invitro-fertilization and my husband and I are the proud parents of a vibrant and healthy two year old. Is'nt our God good.

Wow, a big mouthful indeed, but what I am really saying is that our doctors can only do for us what Almighty God entrusts them with and when they give us news that is difficult to hear, before we think it is the end, and especially if we are Christians, we should look to our Great Physician, our Head Physician and turn the situation over to him. I know in each of the cases above, these persons called on their Heavenly doctor for a second opinion and I strongly believe that, that is how they were able to rise above their conditions.

Be encouraged therefore and until next time, keep clinging to hope.

My Infertility Story - My infertility and my family cont'd.

Wow, when I was diagnosed with infertility, I really did not know how hard it would have been to talk to my family about it, to secure the support that one would need from their family in situations such as this. I thought it would have been easy at least to talk to my husband since he is the closest to me, but sadly this was not the case. It was as my struggle progressed that I realized that I felt embarrassed whenever I thought of sharing my story with my family and became even more embarrassed as time passed, to the point that I did not want to try anymore. I guess apart from the embarrassment I felt, I just thought they would not understand and would probably say things to make me more upset.

Where the rest of my family is concerned, as I mentioned before, I tried to talk to them occasionally about my infertility, but unfortunately did not get very far, as embarrassment would begin to set in or something would be said to turn me off. The little that they knew about my struggles, therefore, was sadly not enough to secure the kind of support that one would expect from their family.

I wanted so much a connection with my family so that they would ask me what is happening with me where children were concerned, when they realised that time was passing and I was not having any. I would have jumped at that opportunity to talk but unfortunately I waited and waited and sadly it did not happen.

The only question my mom, would ask was, “when are you going to pay the man back for his ring?” (She means giving my husband a child). I found this quite amusing at first but as my infertility progressed, I was not happy anymore to hear it and her other comments. My Dad, I remember visiting him once and was telling him that one of my sisters was expecting a second child. I really did not see his response coming. “What about you, he asked, you are wasting time.” I did not know if I was to cry or just grab my things and run until I reached my home. I was so upset and taken aback, as I thought my father would at least be on my side, as I think he understands me more than anyone else in my family.

Once my father took ill and my sister and I journeyed out to the country to see him. I was so excited about this trip as I had made a vow that I would use this time and fill my sister in about my struggle with infertility. I could not say a word, the cat must have had my tongue as I could not find it. I was so devastated I felt like crying.

I remember once I was talking to one of my sisters and I was beginning to divulge some of the emotional battles I was having. I was feeling very good about this, as this was the first time I was actually reaching this far with any one from my family. The wind was ripped from my sail as she began to tell me that she is really not sure that she would be so upset and depressed about infertility. I did not know what to say. She has a child I thought, how could she know what yearning for a child feels like.

On yet another occasion, I was telling another family member that I was at the supermarket earlier that day and it felt like my infertility was punishing me. There were so many cute babies that came into the store and if that was not enough, there were twins among them. I felt as if my infertility was being thrown into my face and so I hurriedly picked up what I went for and got out. To my dismay, my sister said to me, “just try and block things like that.” Block it, I thought, exactly how would I do that. (She has two beautiful children).
I was mortified and vowed that this would be the end of me trying to talk to my family about the struggles I was having with my infertility as clearly they could not help me.

I know if they knew that saying things like those upset me, they would not have said them, and so even as I was feeling upset, I was feeling guilty that I was being so resentful towards them.
Needless to say, the loneliness I felt following this was even more overwhelming, but I thought, I have made it this far on my own so I will carry on, even if it kills me.

More in next post. I am sure by now you do not want to miss the rest.