WHY AM I AN ONLY CHILD??????

We had more or less settled on the idea that we would not be trying to have anymore children, when we unexpectedly became pregnant. Our son was about 20 months old and my husband and I, after the initial shock had worn of, began embracing the idea of having another child around. We lost the pregnancy almost as soon as we found out we were expecting, to a missed abortion.

We continued however, to embrace the idea of having another child and took our doctors advice seriously, to change my diet, because my PCOS condition, which seemed to have intensified after the birth of my son, was the cause of us losing this pregnancy. I took the liberty of going on some fertility herbs, not by any means forgetting that it was as a result of a course of treatment from a herbalist that we were  proud parents of our son.

After being on this course of treatment for a while, we began trying to conceive. I could not shake the feeling though that maybe, God just had one child in his plan for us and even more so, many times throughout my infertility struggles, I had prayed that he just be merciful to us and give us, if only just one.

When we failed to become pregnant for while, I became even more convinced that we would only be parents of just one child. We sold all the baby gear we had purchased for our son, not only for this reason, but because we were moving from a house to an apartment and we needed the space in his room to set up for his growing years. I remember the lady who purchased his crib said to me, so you are not planning on having any more? A question I struggled to answer, but still convinced we were doing the right thing.

After we settled into our new space, I became overcome with guilt. What right do we have to deny our son the chance of having a sibling? What right to we have to think we know the mind of God? What if he is not yet finished with us, but just want our testimony to be fuller and richer.  The yearning for another child intensified and I had no choice but to give in.

Just last night, we were in the supermarket where we met a young man and woman  (not sure if they were a married couple) and a sweet 10 month old baby girl. We began chit chatting about everything from the age of our babies, to weaning. My husband, in trying to make a point, said to them, if another one comes…….The young lady responded immediately “if…..no if.’’ Thinking that she was probably saying, no if, we definitely want more, I decided to help her along and said, “not if, but when.” She looked at me with a smile on her face that seems to be saying, we are pretty sure, then quickly pointed to the young man and said, “we spoke about it and we have decided on no more.

When we got home, remembering my struggle in this regard, said to my husband. What is with this couple? Unless it is for monetary or health reasons (for us, we had both these reasons to contend with), what other right do they have to deny their daughter the chance of having a sibling. Let’s say that it is because she was traumatized by child birth (I know of one such case). From experience, Child-birth pain and trauma pales as your body heals and so, for me,  this is hardly an accepted excuse.

In my view, I believe any child with siblings around, makes them more rounded, with fuller lives, thus making them better placed adults and we have little right to deny them that.

What are your views?

image by:

https://www.google.com.jm/search?hl=en&site=imghp&tbm=isch&source=hp&biw=1280&bih=909&q=couple+and+only+child&oq=couple+and+only+child&gs_l=img.12...1156.8324.0.10255.32.15.5.12.3.0.95.1165.15.15.0...0.0...1ac.1.3.img.VMCZZa9BWzs#imgrc=hzdnVe8vQvRMuM%3A%3B88V9c5yBeGVrUM%3Bhttps%253A%252F%252Fflipter_test_2.s3.amazonaws.com%252Fmedia%252Fphotos%252Fchild.jpg%3Bhttp%253A%252F%252Fflipter.com%252FMimiSendico%252F%3B550%3B400

MR. STORK, ARE YOU PLANNING ON EVER COMING MY WAY AGAIN???

Children are a gift from the Lord; they are a reward from him.

Children born to a young man are like sharp arrows in a warrior’s hand

Psalm 127: 3 and 4

“HOPE MAKES ALL THE DIFFERENCE"

Our son is home for a month for Christmas holidays and every day, more and more, I find myself thinking about a certain very elegant ,white, feathered fellow, and wondering if he has any plans of ever coming our way again.

Our son needs a sibling so badly, as he seems to think that we, his parents are his siblings. Throughout the days, he constantly wants me to build fortes on his bed and read stories to him under those fortes, (picture a three year old and an adult on a toddler bed, and he does not seem to understand that the bed is just not big enough for both of us). I must say, I enjoy reading stories to him, even if it is on a toddler bed, under a forte, because I have tried on many occasions to read to him when he was a baby and all he wanted to do, was to spin the pages of the book himself and eat them. He also wants me to bounce with him on the beds and for me, after a couple of bounces, I have to collapse on the bed because I am out of breath. The other day he had me outside doing laps around the apartment with him. Before long I was totally out of it and he seemed as if he had just started. I sat down for a while with my hand on my cheeks, only to have him come up to me and asked ‘Mommy, why so sad, what’s wrong?’ I told him I was tired from running. He immediately said to me,” that’s alright mommy we can still run” and before I knew it, he had me running again. By the way, can anyone guess my age? Medical experts say, the best time to have children is in your twenties and it is not only for the reason that women are more fertile at that age, they also have more energy to deal with these babies who, before long turn into very active toddlers. It was never the intention, for a woman aged  forty-something be running behind toddlers (smile). I am however, not complaining at all, in fact I am very grateful for my son, and would not exchange him for anything.

I am finding out that almost everyone I know who had just one child, has a second one on the way and that is giving me the encouragement to continue our efforts in this regard. I would be lying if I said that my age was not scaring me, because it is and I also have my PCOS issues to contend with.  All in all, I owe it to myself, my husband and most of all, our son, to do this, because I strongly believe that every child needs at least one sibling to be there beside them as they grow up. I had the privilege of having six siblings and my life would not have been the same if I did not have them.

I talk a lot about adopting, if our efforts to have another biological child fails, but more and more I am hearing how long and tedious adoption is, and so I would prefer to see what our chances are with a biological one first, then if those efforts fail, we will then put all those efforts into adoption and be prepared to be in it for the long haul, because our bottom line is, We are scared to think that our son might have to grow up alone and it was never our intention for that to happen. He does have cousins, but they are far away and many are much older than he is and so even when they get together, he would still be disadvantaged, given his age.

I know God is on our side and I know you are too, continue to keep us in your thoughts and prayers.

IS THE DECISION UP TO US, REALLY?

Children are a gift from the Lord; they are a reward from him.

Children born to a young man are like sharp arrows in a warrior’s hand

Psalm 127: 3 & 4

“HOPE MAKES ALL THE DIFFERENCE”

I always knew I wanted more than just one child, but my struggles with infertility, saw me bargaining with God, telling him that if he just give me one, I would be pretty fine with that and would adopt another, as a thank you to him, for answering my prayers.


After I had my son, I was convinced that I was quite fine with just him, and more so, given the fact that I was so nervous and anxious with this pregnancy, I really did not want to have to experience this amount of anxiety and nervousness again, because it truly wore me out. We were then totally convinced that we would do adoption, to give him company.

Then I became pregnant unexpectedly last January, but found I had experienced a missed abortion early in the pregnancy. I was sure now, that I did not want to go down this road again, the miscarriages, the anxieties, the unknown and so my husband and I decided that this would be it and we started thinking of beginning adoption proceedings. Soon I began wondering, we have banked on this adoption thing, but what if it is not as easy as the brochure makes it out to be? Thankfully, not long afterwards, we began hearing stories of persons who had difficulties adopting and these are persons who we believe would be easy to be approved to adopt a child, given their status, and realized that we, without a doubt would be sure to experience even more difficulties in this regard.

Before long I realized that I was grieving for the pregnancy I had just lost, and wishing I had carried it, if for the only reason that my son would be sure of a sibling to grow up with, as I am one who does not believe that a child should grow up alone, if it can be prevented, and having seen how difficult it is for only children, not to mention the questions and conversations that the parents have to deal with, it began haunting me that my family might be subjected to this as well, given our plans. We immediately began rethinking our decision.

Then came the feeling of guilt, how could we have banked on adoption and made the decision not to have any more children, without thinking about the pros and cons and not thinking enough, about the needs of our son, How would we handle the questions when he starts asking them, ‘how comes I do not have a brother or a sister?’ Further, how would we feel when he draws his first picture of his family in kindergarten and realized that his picture has only three persons and those of his classmates have more and he is demanding answers from us. I personally would feel very guilty and feel that we have betrayed him, because life is just too difficult as it is, for a child not to have a sibling to grow up with, someone to lean on as they chart their course through life, someone to be themselves with, someone to share little secrets with, someone who they can count on to be there for them.

It is with this in mind that we are working closely with our doctor to give our son the company he deserves, because is it up to us, really, to make the decision, not have any more children after having just one? This decision, I believe, would be up to us to make, if we were told that having another pregnancy would be detrimental to my health, or if financially we could not afford any more, even though, who is ever totally convinced up front, that they can afford a child, when they begin thinking of having them. My Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome (PCOS) and age is a factor for anxiety yes, but we live in an age where women with fertility issues are still getting pregnant and women who are forty and over are also becoming pregnant and having healthy babies, so why can’t I do it too.

If our efforts does not bring about the result we desire, then we would be satisfied that we did our part and it sure would be easier to explain to our son, when he starts asking questions. I have already come up with a response if that time should come, and it goes, well son, we tried to give you company, but you are so special that God wants us to have just you.

We are forever grateful to God for our son, but we really believe he needs a sibling and we are still thinking of adopting, but much later down the road.

If there are anyone currently caught in this situation, I hope this post will be encouraging to you.

Be blessed, and until next time, keep clinging to hope.

When our children show up and we are 35...37….40…...

“Children are a gift from the Lord; they are a reward from him.
Children born to a young man are like sharp arrows in a warrior’s hand.”
Psalm 127: 3 & 4

I want to consider this part two to my last post “Our son showed up right on time.”

Due to infertility, many of us find that we are forced to become parents much later in our lives than we would have liked. Having a child is of course a very happy moment for all and more so for those who had to beat the beast of infertility. My husband and I were ecstatic, to say the least, when our little fellow showed up.

Then reality starts to kick in and we realize that there are certain challenges accompanying this little bundle of joy. We later find that it is not easy trying to keep up with them, because let’s face it we are not twenty-five or even thirty, we are ten years and counting older. Believe me, I am having those moments now because or son in so active. At church on Sunday, he made a dash for the gate and the road, I had to actually push him hoping he would tumble a bit and slow down so that I could grab him before he was through the gate and even with that strategy, he still got up and was still heading for the road. I managed to stop him, thankfully, but almost at the expense of my ankle, (but I was not even bothered by that because my ankle can be fixed but our son cannot be replaced). Someone who was watching the whole scene played out asked, ‘where in the world did he get that speed.’ It was truly a terrifying moment. I know many of you maybe fit because you lead a healthy lifestyle so you should not have any problem keeping up with your active child, but then there are others of us who find that we are not at all that lucky. I told myself that since I cannot afford to go to the gym, my son is my home gym.

The other thing is, soon we find that we are doing the maths. Let’s see when our son in eighteen, we will be this old, when our son is twenty-five, oh my, we will be that old and panic starts to set in. Will we even be alive to attend is wedding or see our grandchildren. The other day my husband and I were talking and I said to him, honey, because of this age factor thing, we will just have to make sure that our son gets into college early so that he can graduate and still have time to find is bride-to-be so that we can attend his wedding before we die and see our grandchildren. I know there are parents who are anxious for their children to get married and give them grandchildren, and I am seeing where we could be such parents, given our circumstances.

There is also another factor which we are currently facing now, where all our peers and family members had their children way before us and now they are grown and that leaves our son not much choice of children in his age group to play with.

I hope I am not scaring anyone and I am certainly not discounting what I said in my last post, that these kids do show up on time and so God who is all knowing, sends them to us because he knows he will equip us to deal with them. This equipping then includes the fact that he quickly reveals to us what we are dealing with so that we can prepare accordingly. My husband obviously was not prepared for such an active child because on many occasions, I have to rescue our son left in his care, as he gets overwhelmed by the pressure and falls asleep. I myself, at several points in the day do feel overwhelmed and actually can’t wait for the time when he takes his nap.

Have in mind also that you might want to give your child a sibling and with age already not on your side, you will have to do this sooner than later, if you can, so that if all else fails, your child will have their own little sibling to play with. This too will take the pressure off you from having to be his playmate, and lastly, that you might end up being among the oldest parents at the soccer games and dance recitals. When I realized that the years were passing by and my child was not showing up, I was a bit concerned that when they do show up, my husband and I will be among the oldest parents at their school events.

Regardless of all the above, I am eternally grateful for my son and I know you who have been blessed already are and those still to be blessed with children will be too, when they show up. Even if our son’s friends ask him at some point, how comes your parents look so old, I believe we will still be alright with that and hoping that he will be alright with it too, because children do get affected by things which are not deemed the norm in their little worlds (We are not the least bit concerned about that though, because we actually look half our age, so chances are we won’t have to deal with that, thank goodness for good genes).

In closing I want to add my words of encouragement as usual, do not be too concerned yet with what is contained in this post, just press on to your goal for now, a wonderful experience awaits you, one with challenges of course like anything else in life, but the joy outweighs the challenges by far and take comfort in the fact that God sends these little ones to us because he knows we can handle taking care of them, believe me, I am taking comfort in that too.

Until next time, keep clinging to hope.

How come I have no siblings?

“Children are a gift from the Lord; they are a reward from him.
Children born to a young man are like sharp arrows in a warrior’s hand.”
Psalm 127: 3 & 4

I am back, thank you for missing me, my vacation was good.

Part of why my vacation was so good was because my sister and I spoke in a way that we do not usually. Firstly, she is a couple years older than I am and secondly growing up we did not bond due to circumstances beyond our control. But my sister and I spoke, with our past challenges remaining in the past, we spoke, we spoke about so many things, from our medical issues to having an only child. Yes I can now talk with my sister on issues like these because guess what, I am now a mother and mothers do speak similar language as we have so much in common and share a special bond.

Some people say that sometimes they feel so dried up for material to post. What I do is search through my daily life for material, a conversation with someone or something I heard or did. Our daily life is filled with so much to blog about. My post today will therefore be based on something my sister and I spoke about on my vacation, having an only child.

Many of us parents who for some reason or another end up with just one child, must have heard the question on occasions, how come I have no siblings?

I am sure this question dig deep into your soul and you have feelings of guilt and regret, especially if you are not able to have anymore biological children. I am sure you have managed to come up with some good reasons to tell your child why they are the only one, but sadly most of them are not able to understand and so the question returns from time to time.

I can imagine the guilt is especially worse if you put off having children until later in your life and now find that you are only able to have one. For those of us who fertility is the cause of us having only one child, the guilt is there but it is not as bad, as I can imagine you can work your way around a reason which can be more understood by your child. You can start by saying your body was not working as it should and so you were not able to have more than the one.

For us, our child is still young and so we have time before he starts asking this question. It is our hope though that he will not have to ask it as we intend to get him a sibling whether by adoption or biologically. I have not ruled out having another biological child entirely especially because I am now hearing that adoption is not as easy as I thought and some persons are having to opt to do fostering because this is easier.

Having your own child rule out all red tapes, all uncertainty if you qualify or not to adopt and so even though the odds are against me, (my Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome, (PCOS) is back and is worst than ever), I am willing to fight on because it is sure not over until it is over. (I would say, it is not over until the fat lady sings, but poor lady, give her a break already).

No child deserves to be an only child if this can be avoided. When we found out that we were expecting a couple months ago, we were overjoyed for just the mere reason that our son would not have to be an only child (sadly we lost this pregnancy). Life is filled with so many challenges and so they need even one more sibling to chart the course of life with. My niece said to my sister, after asking her the famous question, “So mom, when you and dad are old I will have to be the only one to care for you both?” My sister said she believed she asked this question because she saw her taking care of our dad, taking him to his doctor’s appointments etc. I am sure that reached deep into my sister’s soul and I emphasized with her so much and vowed again that I would not allow our son to ask us those questions.

This post is in no way geared at making anyone feel uncomfortable and if it has, I sincerely apologize. These are purely my thoughts and that is why what we do is called blogging ‘our own thoughts.’

Remember, you are indeed very fortunate and blessed to have your one child.

Until next time, keep clinging to hope.