MONDAY RAMBLINGS – We are all in this thing together…….

Before I had children, I was horrified when I had to attend the birthday parties of my niece and nephews and my friends’ children. Why do you suppose? I could not escape it, there were cute children everywhere and parents sitting around with watchful eyes, engaged in conversations about what else? their children, and where does that leave me, feeling extremely left out.

As you can well imagine, things changed when I had children, I was no longer horrified, instead I accepted each invitation feeling as excited as my child, because I know, this time, I would definitely fit in.

Yesterday I attended a birthday party, it was a pool party and after I got the children prepared for the pool and sent them off with their dad, I began talking with a lady who I know very well and who I know have had a couple of miscarriages. The conversation began with both of us agreeing how dangerous water is, and we each gave a tragic story involving the drowning death of a child.  We both agreed how nervous we get when our children are around water. To further add to the conversation, I said to her that it would be very tragic if after struggling so long to have children, we  lose them in such awful way (not a wise conversation to have in a setting like that I might add). The conversation then head straight into us talking about miscarriages. She told me a little bit about her miscarriages and I began telling her about the miscarriage of my first daughter. What I find is that when I am engaged in conversation with a woman about infertility challenges or miscarriages, one of the first things they say to me, is that people do not understand. This time even as I agreed, I was quickly able to be practical and say to her that people won’t understand if they have not had the experience, she agreed, chimed in and helped me finished this thought.  I know that we were able to agree and say this with such grace and understanding because of how much we have grown since our triumph over infertility and miscarriages.

Throughout the evening, as I found myself in little pockets of conversation, the subject was the same, conversations about our children and I felt like I belonged, It was indeed liberating.

As the children enjoyed themselves in the pool, you could see the parents intently watching, ensuring that they are safe. One parent even confessed to me that whenever she goes to these parties, she comes prepared, should the event arise where she has to jump into the pool to save her children. She did live up to her words that evening as she quickly sprang into action when a child was caught in a difficult situation. I know with the rest of us parents, even if we did not come prepared, we would have jumped into the water in a heartbeat to save ours or any other child, because of how precious these little ones are to us.

 I know if I should have spoken to some other parents at that party, I would have heard more stories of miscarriages and struggles to have children, because many women experience these struggles, its just that some do not talk about it and so  I do believe that for every couple of women we come across, there is a story of infertility and miscarriage. I want to take comfort in the fact then, that as women, we are certainly in this thing together.

Thanks for once again indulging in my Monday ramblings.

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http://www.flickr.com/photos/barkaway/364787802/

“THE LORD GIVETH AND THE LORD TAKETH AWAY”

I did a post recently announcing that the Duggars of TLC’s 19 Kids and Counting, were expecting their 2oth child.

I just learnt that mom, Michelle Duggar, suffered a miscarriage.

My heart ached for them when I heard this, because having a miscarriage, given any set of circumstances, carries with it, a lot of emotional trauma and pain. I know of this first-hand.

Reports are that the other kids are very sad as they were looking forward, so much to a new sibling.

My prayers are with them at this difficult time.

Post image by: http://visitcos.com/news/wp-content/uploads/2011/06/Duggar-family-2011-010-small.jpg

"IN PRAISE OF OLDER PARENTS"

In case my last post ‘Down Syndrome and how it happens’ caused  undue stress to anyone who find themselves in this category, I am following up with this post, to bring about some encouragement and validation to all who are thinking of starting families at a later stage in life and the rest of us who are already on this path.

According to a Statistics Canada Report, although it is well known that older women who conceive are at increased risk for miscarriages, stillbirth and babies born with birth defects, these babies are generally just as healthy as those born to younger women.

The report went on further to say that these children are often more advanced, saying their first words and taking their first steps earlier than those born to women in their mid to late twenties.

Another article ‘In praise of older Parents’, looks at the benefits of being older parents which includes the fact that older parents are usually more established in their careers and are generally more financially secure by this point in their lives and are also more equipped to manage the changes that having children bring.

Older parents also say that they are now more patient with their children more than they would have been when they were younger.

Of course, like everything else, there is a flipside to all things good. Many older parents will find that they are mistaken for grandparents and that can cause some discomfort if you are not secure in who you are. From experience I know that keeping up with toddlers later in life is somewhat of a challenge and these kids somehow seem to need your attention more.

All in all, I strongly believe that a child that comes to us at any age in our lives is such a blessing and once we do not set ourselves up for failure by having ridiculously high expectations, the experience should be a rewarding and fulfilling one. Just to reiterate my closing point, our son is hyperactive, from he was in the womb (if I might say). When he was two years old, one of his uncles said to me, “I am in awe of how you keep up with him.” I guess he made that comment because I am not a mom in my 20’s or even 30's for that matter. I did not have to think too much or too long about my response to him, I quickly said, “I came into this with no high expectations” and I did not have to say anything else, he got the point.

Follow the links below for more information in this regard:-

http://www.cbc.ca/news/health/story/2008/09/24/older-mothers.html

http://ohioline.osu.edu/hyg-fact/5000/pdf/Older_Parents.pdf

Post image by: http://debroffdebrief.clubmom.com/photos/uncategorized/oldest_mom.png

THYROID DISEASE AND PREGNANCY

In a post last week, I wrote about how having a thyroid condition can affect your fertility.

http://onereachinganother.blogspot.com/2011/06/thyroid-disease-and-fertility.html

For this post I will focussing on having a thyroid condition and being pregnant. Having a thyroid condition means that you either have hypothyroidism (having an under-active thyroid gland) or hyperthyroidism (having an overactive thyroid gland).

Pregnant women who are experiencing tiredness and weight gain, because these are some of the usual signs of pregnancy, will often not think that these symptoms could be associated with hypothyroidism. A blood test, measuring your TSH level, is the best way to know if you have hypothyroidism.

If you have been diagnosed with this condition, then your doctor will look at treating you with thyroid hormone medication to normalise your thyroid functions. This medication is completely safe to take during pregnancy because it is the same hormone that is produced by the body, for the normal function of the thyroid.

Although hypothyroidism is the most common thyroid condition known to affect pregnant women, your pregnancy can also be affected by hyperthyroidism as well. In the same way that tiredness and weight gain, (signs of hypothyroidism) can be overlooked as just pregnancy symptoms, nervousness, weight loss, nausea, feeling warm among others(all signs of hyperthyroidism) can also be overlooked as mere pregnancy symptoms.

A pregnant women who has been diagnosed with hyperthyroidism, must seek to have this condition controlled because miscarriages and birth defects very often will occur.  Treatment includes taking antithyroid medications, which will cut down the thyroids overproduction of hormones.

For much more on this subject, please visit the site below:-

http://www.endocrineweb.com/conditions/thyroid/thyroid-problems-pregnancy

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SO, WHEN DO YOU BREAK THE NEWS ABOUT YOUR PREGNANCY????

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Women are known to be at highest risk of miscarrying up to the first twelve weeks of their pregnancies and as a result of this, many women wait to break the news until they have crossed this timeline.

For women who are struggling with infertility and finally find themselves pregnant, it can be very difficult to hold on to this news for twelve weeks. From experience, you want to shout it from the roof top. You want to tell everyone you meet about this great thing that you have waited for so long, to have happen in your life.

When I first became pregnant, which sadly I lost to a missed abortion, I was so elated, I began telling everyone as soon as I received the positive home pregnancy test. I learned all too soon that this was a terrible mistake because when I lost my pregnancy shortly thereafter, I was not only dealing with pain from this loss, I was dealing with the fact that I had to tell all who I had told, that I had miscarried. Not a pleasant thing to have had to do.

For the pregnancy with my son, having learned so well from my previous experience, I waited until I was four months into my pregnancy before I broke the news.  This was hard and I must confess that I did tell a few persons who were very close to me and knew of my infertility struggles, but I did manage  to hold on to this news, until it was safe to tell all others.

It is therefore recommended that time be allowed to get pass the twelve week  mark in a pregnancy, before you break the news. I know for people struggling with infertility, understandably, that this will be difficult to do, because you want to tell everyone your good news almost immediately. Do bear in mind though, that miscarriages are very high among persons dealing with infertility and so, if nothing else, this should encourage you to wait, before making your announcements. 

SOMETIMES, JUST ‘I AM SORRY’ WILL DO

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A miscarriage is a very difficult thing for any woman to have to experience and women who struggle with infertility, sadly,  find themselves dealing with miscarriages as well.

When I lost our daughter, my husband arranged that I stayed at my sister’s, to ensure that I would not be alone in the days following my miscarriage, and when I went to my sister’s the day after my release from the hospital, I was in tears. My sister hugged me without saying a single word, while I cried and that was enough for me in that moment. 

My mom said something to me, during that time that meant so much, she said that, ‘God saw how beautiful our daughter was and decided to keep her for himself.’ I am not sure why that meant so much to me, but it did.

Having said this, there are persons who, with all good intentions, just say the wrong things to women who are grieving after miscarrying.  

A fellow blogger is very kind to have come up with 10 things that should not be said to a woman who has just suffered a miscarriage and these include not saying:-

1. Its probably for the best
2. You can always try again

Why not check out the rest:-

http://www.trying-to-conceive.com/miscarriage/top-10-horrible-comments-women-get-after-a-miscarriage/

She has also advised that just saying sorry, is all that is needed.

“WHAT HE CAN EXPECT WHEN SHE IS NOT EXPECTING”

image by: http://www.natural-fertility-prescription.com

In my years of struggling with infertility, many times I felt very alone because my husband did not seem to be emotionally invested in this struggle. I was largely the cause of our infertility and so I thought that it was normal that I was the only one suffering emotionally.

After a while, it got to me because I was no longer able to cope all by myself. I became overwhelmed and sadly began to resent my husband and also started wondering if he even wanted children.

As a result of all that I was going through with my infertility struggles, I really did not want my marriage to deteriorate, because I did not have the energy to deal with any other struggle and so I sat my husband down one day and asked him how he really felt about our struggles to have children. I was in no way prepared for what he later said to me. He said he was indeed hurting but he did not want to show it, for fear that it would make me feel worst. I honour him for this response and was very upset with myself that I had judged him without ever giving him the chance to talk about his feelings. I accepted his response, but deep down I was thinking that there had to be more reasons for this disconnect.

Infertility is largely viewed as a woman’s issue and so because of this, men feel that they have no part in this struggle and especially if they are not a contributor to these struggles. Many men feel that their duty is just to be there physically to aid their wife in the conception process and so do not see themselves as part of the solution and emotional process at all.

 It is with this in mind, that the book, “What he can expect when she is not expecting” was written. Authored by Marc Sedaka, with input from his fertility doctor, Dr. Gregory Rosen. This book is a guide for men, on supporting their wives, saving their marriage and conquering infertility. Marc, along with his wife had very intense struggles with infertility, suffering through 16 artificial inseminations, 10 invitro-fertilizations, 3 miscarriages and finally welcomed twin girls as a result of gestational surrogacy.

Marc shares with us three ways that men can confront their infertility issues head on:-

Communicate – Deal with feelings, find out exactly how your wife is feeling without being confrontational.

Educate – If even after admitting that you both need professional intervention, your wife does not make any attempt to do anything, take matters in your hands, educate both yourselves, surf the internet, get books on infertility.

Support – Encourage your wife to seek support. She might refuse at first because she might not be ready to let anyone else into her painful world as yet, but continue to encourage her, when she is finally ready, she will find out that she really needed this support.

Marc also shares with us the "10 things not to say to your ‘fertility-challenged’ wife," some of which are:-

1.      

•   Thats Ok, I did not want you to get fat anyway.
•  No more condoms, cool.
•  Don’t worry, you are still relatively young etc. 

If you are interested in reading this book, it can be purchased directly below, from Amazon.com

INFERTILITY SUPPORT GROUPS COULD INCREASE YOUR CHANCES TO CONCEIVE

image by: http://www.babytobee.com/assets/images/180x180/hands.jpg

I remember after suffering a series of miscarriages, my doctor recommended me to an infertility support group which he had helped started. I even went to the point of talking to one of the organizers on the phone, who said to me that I would be welcomed with open arms, but I did not attend. What I remember was feeling that if I actually attend, I would just be confirming to myself that I was losing my fight with infertility, and even though I was feeling very broken and helpless up to this point, I knew I was not ready to throw in the towel as yet.

At that point sadly, I thought that infertility support groups were only for those who had resigned themselves to the fact that they would never get pregnant. Little did I know that this was quite the contrary and that support groups of this nature, is known to actually help people diagnosed with infertility, conceive by up to 54%.

Why is this so, you may ask? It is said that just bonding with others who are going through what you are going through and therefore understand like no one else ever could,  reduces the pain and stress associated with this, thus having a positive effect on the body and the reproductive system.

Why not try an Infertility Support group today, you never know, it might work for you.

IS THE DECISION UP TO US, REALLY?

Children are a gift from the Lord; they are a reward from him.

Children born to a young man are like sharp arrows in a warrior’s hand

Psalm 127: 3 & 4

“HOPE MAKES ALL THE DIFFERENCE”

I always knew I wanted more than just one child, but my struggles with infertility, saw me bargaining with God, telling him that if he just give me one, I would be pretty fine with that and would adopt another, as a thank you to him, for answering my prayers.


After I had my son, I was convinced that I was quite fine with just him, and more so, given the fact that I was so nervous and anxious with this pregnancy, I really did not want to have to experience this amount of anxiety and nervousness again, because it truly wore me out. We were then totally convinced that we would do adoption, to give him company.

Then I became pregnant unexpectedly last January, but found I had experienced a missed abortion early in the pregnancy. I was sure now, that I did not want to go down this road again, the miscarriages, the anxieties, the unknown and so my husband and I decided that this would be it and we started thinking of beginning adoption proceedings. Soon I began wondering, we have banked on this adoption thing, but what if it is not as easy as the brochure makes it out to be? Thankfully, not long afterwards, we began hearing stories of persons who had difficulties adopting and these are persons who we believe would be easy to be approved to adopt a child, given their status, and realized that we, without a doubt would be sure to experience even more difficulties in this regard.

Before long I realized that I was grieving for the pregnancy I had just lost, and wishing I had carried it, if for the only reason that my son would be sure of a sibling to grow up with, as I am one who does not believe that a child should grow up alone, if it can be prevented, and having seen how difficult it is for only children, not to mention the questions and conversations that the parents have to deal with, it began haunting me that my family might be subjected to this as well, given our plans. We immediately began rethinking our decision.

Then came the feeling of guilt, how could we have banked on adoption and made the decision not to have any more children, without thinking about the pros and cons and not thinking enough, about the needs of our son, How would we handle the questions when he starts asking them, ‘how comes I do not have a brother or a sister?’ Further, how would we feel when he draws his first picture of his family in kindergarten and realized that his picture has only three persons and those of his classmates have more and he is demanding answers from us. I personally would feel very guilty and feel that we have betrayed him, because life is just too difficult as it is, for a child not to have a sibling to grow up with, someone to lean on as they chart their course through life, someone to be themselves with, someone to share little secrets with, someone who they can count on to be there for them.

It is with this in mind that we are working closely with our doctor to give our son the company he deserves, because is it up to us, really, to make the decision, not have any more children after having just one? This decision, I believe, would be up to us to make, if we were told that having another pregnancy would be detrimental to my health, or if financially we could not afford any more, even though, who is ever totally convinced up front, that they can afford a child, when they begin thinking of having them. My Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome (PCOS) and age is a factor for anxiety yes, but we live in an age where women with fertility issues are still getting pregnant and women who are forty and over are also becoming pregnant and having healthy babies, so why can’t I do it too.

If our efforts does not bring about the result we desire, then we would be satisfied that we did our part and it sure would be easier to explain to our son, when he starts asking questions. I have already come up with a response if that time should come, and it goes, well son, we tried to give you company, but you are so special that God wants us to have just you.

We are forever grateful to God for our son, but we really believe he needs a sibling and we are still thinking of adopting, but much later down the road.

If there are anyone currently caught in this situation, I hope this post will be encouraging to you.

Be blessed, and until next time, keep clinging to hope.

A BIG THUMBS UP TO THE 'VIEW' ON ABC!!!!!!

Children are a gift from the Lord; they are a reward from him.
Children born to a young man are like sharp arrows in a warrior’s hand
Psalm 127: 3 & 4

"HOPE MAKES ALL THE DIFFERENCE"

When I heard yesterday that the daytime program, The View, aired on ABC at 11:00 a.m. every morning was dedicating their entire program today to infertility, I was so excited. Yes, I have conquered infertility, but I was still thrilled to hear this and the reason for this is, for the decade plus that I struggled with infertility, I always wondered why no forums were dedicated to this condition. Why no television programs ever aired anything of this kind. I was soon forced to believe that, it was because infertility was such a private and personal issue that people kept it to themselves and therefore it never became necessary to have such programs.

What I found out when my infertility finally was made public, was that so many persons had suffered or are struggling with this condition and sadly, for most of my decade long struggle, I suffered alone because I did not come across anyone with whom I could identify. It was only towards the end of my struggles that I found two such persons, and it made such a big difference, because I knew then that I was certainly not alone. After I started this blog, a year ago, a whole world of persons struggling with infertility suddenly opened up to me and I so wished that I had tapped into this when I was struggling.

I also found out on today’s program on The View, that most of the hosts had some struggles with infertility. Barbara Walters, owner of the show, had three miscarriages and adopted her daughter after the third. Another host almost died from an ectopic pregnancy and another did treatments, including Invitro-Fertilization and now has a son, and yet another for a short while, struggled with infertility caused by Celiac Disease, (a condition which result, after eating products containing gluten) http://health.yahoo.com/digestive-symptoms/celiac-disease-symptoms/healthwise--hw192337.html. This brought home to me in no uncertain manner, how different we are on the outside, but how similarly we struggle inside.

Among their guests was Bill and Guilliana Rancic, (formerly Guilliana DiPandi), who has their own show, ‘Bill and Guilliana’ which airs on the style network. They were invited to share their struggles with infertility caused by a condition where Guilliana’s uterus is pushed to the side. Her doctor said he had never seen anything like this before. I attempted to do some research on this, thinking that anything could be found on the internet, but found nothing.

It struck me how this couple and others who were guests on the show spoke so comfortably and easily about their infertility and I felt at peace, because infertility is finally getting the attention it deserves. So many of us suffer emotionally with this condition and dared not to talk about it for fear that we would be judged or made to feel that we were less than.

I want to give a big thumbs up to ABC and Miss Walters. So many must be grateful to you, (I know I am) for carrying this program. We have indeed come such a long way. Infertility does not have to be a secret that we hold on to for dear life any longer, as there is a whole world out there of people who struggle in this regard who are offering support to countless others and it is amazing to see how many are being helped and you just made that world even bigger.

Be encouraged therefore, and until next time, keep clinging to hope.

DEALING WITH PREGNANT FRIENDS WHILE STRUGGLING WITH INFERTILITY

Children are a gift from the Lord; they are a reward from him.
Children born to a young man are like sharp arrows in a warrior’s hand
Psalm 127: 3 & 4

"HOPE MAKES ALL THE DIFFERENCE"

For anyone dealing with infertility, it is certain that at some point or another through out your struggle, you will have to deal pregnant friends.

In an earlier post, I spoke about how dealing with babies was one of my greatest difficulty while struggling with infertility. Well, dealing with pregnant friends was right up there with dealing with babies for me.

I remember a very good friend of mine became pregnant and when I heard, I cried myself to sleep. Of course I was as happy as I could have been then, for her, but I was also devastated because I was married a couple of years before her and as the time came that I expected her to start her family, I started picturing both of us being pregnant and our children growing up together.

I remember beginning to feel afraid and helpless, as I began thinking that our relationship would surely be affected by this, because we were very close and saw each other a lot and the sight of her from there on, would be a constant reminder of what I wanted so much, to become pregnant, to be a mother.

While she was going through her early pregnancy symptoms, I remember her visiting and later said to me, “Marie, I feel so sick, you would never understand.” I do not know why I was so upset to hear her say this, and I knew she did not mean to upset me in any way, but I was, and immediately snapped back at her in my mind, “of course I do not understand, I have never been pregnant, don't rub it in girl.”

As her pregnancy progressed, I noticed that our relationship became more and more strained, so much so that when she had her baby, I did not hear from her or her family, I heard by the way. I wanted to feel sad about this, but I could not because this was really my fault, I had pulled away from my friend because I could not deal with her pregnancy. I went to visit her in the hospital, even though I was feeling ashamed and guilty and vowed that I would make up for the time our friendship had lost.

I was later named one of the godparents for her child and I remember declining at first, because I thought I did not deserve it.

When I became pregnant in 2005, another of my good friends became pregnant as well. I was really excited because now I finally had a friend to share this wonderful journey with. I was due June 2006 and she was due July 2006.

Sadly I lost mine and she went on to have hers. She visited me several times before she gave birth and this was difficult for me to say the least, because as you can well imagine she now became a constant reminder of my horrible loss. I was thrown a shower before I knew I would have lost my pregnancy and I reluctantly share some of the gifts I had received with her. I remember when she left with the things, I cried, because I felt I was taking something away from the memory of my pregnancy, from the memory of my daughter, and it was just still too fresh.

I remember telling her when she was about to go into the hospital to have her baby, that I did not think I could deal with visiting a maternity ward when I had just lost my baby. She was very understanding, but I could still see the disappointment in her face. Then the call came that she had the baby, but the baby was immediately taken to the nursery without her seeing him. She also told me that she was bleeding profusely and they were not able to stop it. I remember beginning to cry and started thinking, wow, I cannot lose my friend, I cannot go through another loss, no, not so soon. I was also very concerned for her baby because I know that when they take your baby so suddenly without you seeing them first, something is wrong.

Before I knew it, I was at the hospital and at that time I was not at all concerned with my own discomfort and grief, my friend needed me and I had to be there.

They soon were able to control her bleeding and we later learnt that the baby was born with some breathing and brain problems. He had to spend some time in the hospital but he is three years old now and doing just fine, being any typical boy of his age.

This was when I believe my healing from the loss of my baby actually took a turn for the better, because here I was reaching out to someone, (who was in jeopardy of losing everything, her life and her child), and this instantly caused my own pain to become pale in comparison.

I know many of you would do this for your friend as well, so even though you might be having difficulties dealing with their pregnancies, be encouraged because if your friends should ever need you at anytime throughout their pregnancy, you will be there for them without even thinking about your own misery.

Below is a link with recommendations, which I think could help you deal with pregnant friends as you struggle with infertility. Read and be encouraged and until next time, keep clinging to hope.

http://ldsinfertility.blogspot.com/2010/01/how-to-cope-with-pregnant-friends.html

What scared me the most about Infertility

“Children are a gift from the Lord; they are a reward from him.
Children born to a young man are like sharp arrows in a warrior’s hand.”
Psalm 127: 3 & 4

Infertility is a scary issue to have to deal with and what scared me the most when my husband and I were struggling with it, was that images of us, old and gray and all alone, sitting on our porch with no children to visit us or call us to ensure that we are alright and was taking our blood pressure medication and keeping our doctors’ appointments, kept coming up in my mind and believe me, they were very haunting.

My Godmother had no children, I often wondered why but was told by her in 2006, when I had my miscarriage, that she suffered many miscarriages and sadly did not end up with any children. Her husband died many years ago and she was left alone. Many times when I would go to visit her, I could tell that she was sad and lonely and my heart ached seeing her in that way. She would just sit on her front verandah and look out and that for me was very difficult to see. She died recently and part of me was sad and part relieved that she no longer had to be alone. She is buried beside her husband and all I can think of is how happy she must be, now that she has been reunited with her dearly beloved.

As a result of what I saw my Godmother going through, it made me fight harder to beat infertility, even if it meant having just one child, or adopting, because I really did not want to end up like her nor I did not want my husband and I to be old and childless either.

Thankfully, due to the advancement in medical technology, many of us who are affected by infertility will go on to have children, and so we no longer have to feel afraid like I was feeling, that we will be old and gray and childless, that is if we do not resort to other alternatives of having children.

Having no pitter patter of little feet, or no innocent childhood laughter around was never the way I saw my life and so I feel eternally blessed that I now have these precious little indulgements in my life. I am a mother and hopefully will be a grandmother too one day.

Keep doing what you are doing for your triumph, don’t ever give up and I guarantee you, it will be all worth the struggle.

Until next time, keep clinging to hope.

Image by: http://images.google.tt/images?gbv=2&hl=en&sa=1&q=+elderly+couple+sitting+on+front+porch&btnG=Search+images&aq=f&oq=

Our son's first haircut

“Children are a gift from the Lord; they are a reward from him.
Children born to a young man are like sharp arrows in a warrior’s hand.”
Psalm 127: 3 & 4

Today’s post will be on a lighter subject. No infertility and its many causes and certainly no miscarriages. After all, who likes to talk about things like these all of the time. A light moment can be so welcoming when everything else seem to be going awry. I do trust my infertile readers won’t think that I am insensitive for writing this post as we are still in the honeymoon stage of parenting.

One Saturday morning, about two weeks ago, we had just had breakfast and felt we had the energy to take on our son to cut his finger nails, even though he was not sleeping. You must have remembered me mentioning that he does not allow us to cut his nails unless he is sleeping. After all, they were looking like he was being raised by wolves. Turns out he does not really want us to do anything to him, this includes brushing his teeth, combing his hair, changing his diapers, he always put up a fight. Cutting his fingernails started out promising but we soon realized that even though it was the two of us against him, we were still no match for him. (I wonder what they are putting in the children’s formulae these days, they are so strong). We managed to get to the third finger nail and when we could not go on, a bright idea struck me, why not try to cut his hair instead, which along with the long finger nails, did appear as if he was truly being grown in the wild. My husband often said he looked like the cartoon character of John Lithgow in the movie, ‘The Incredibles,’ who has ‘spikey’ hair.

I must say some days, I like the wild hair on him but other days, it is just simply difficult to deal with. This attempt started out promising also, as my husband managed to get the excess hair off rather quickly and the haircut began taking shape soon after. Things quickly got ugly however, as he started to cry as if we were abusing him. He also began sweating profusely and soon he had hair all over his face, in his mouth, in his eyes and was on his back on the ground. We accepted defeat, at least for the moment, gave him a bath and he went to sleep.

When he awoke, we fed him and made our second attempt, this time hoping that the bath and nap would have calmed him a bit. We tried to get it right this time by putting him in a high chair outside at the back of our house. The afternoon was so lovely with a gentle caribbean breeze blowing and birds flying all about and chirping happily in the trees. This was a brilliant idea we thought because he love the outdoors and the ‘birdies.’ We began the task again and soon he began protesting so my husband had to hurry to get it done before he was on the ground again. Not long afterwards we accepted our second defeat this time feeling very guilty because the haircut actually was looking worse than the first attempt.

The next day, he fell asleep in my arms. As I stared at how calm and defenseless he was sleeping, the idea struck me, why not finish the job when he is asleep (hmmm, the bible story of Sampson who had his hair cut by Delilah while he fell asleep in her lap comes to mind. The only difference is, Sampson lost his strength when his hair was cut, my son’s strength seemed to have increased).

Then and only then did we truly complete the task. We felt we could slap ourselves, why didn’t we think of this before? Cut his hair while he was asleep.

We certainly learnt our lesson and next time we will surely get it right. He looks so cute and boyish with his new haircut, we can’t stop staring at him we have taken so many pictures and will be sending some off to family members who cannot wait to see this new look. It was truly worth the war.

I trust you enjoyed the little time away from infertility.

Until next time, keep clinging to hope

My Infertility Story – Dealing with miscarriages cont'd.

“I felt as if someone was playing a cruel joke on us and I was not amused. What did we ever do to deserve this, I thought.”

We were only halfway into our experience with miscarriages, with the worst still to come.

Approximately two years after doing my surgery and ten months after we had seen the female doctor, we realized we were pregnant again. We were on the brink of giving up hope as this was about four years after our previous miscarriages.
I was at Church one Sunday and realized that I was feeling terribly hungry and I had eaten breakfast that morning. I could not wait for communion to be served, as I thought even that little morsel of bread could indeed help this terrible hunger that was gnawing at my stomach walls.
I was expecting a period as well and it had not turned up as yet. Could I be pregnant? I thought, as I was also feeling a little bit queasy. I waited a few days to see if the period would show just to ensure that I was not setting myself up for anymore disappointment. That, I was certainly not in any hurry for. The period did not show, the queasiness continued and so believing that something was indeed happening, I did the test. I was pregnant and there was no doubt about it. The joy again was overwhelming and something about this one told me that it would stick around. I was however still very cautious.
I called my doctor the next day but did not get him and so I left a message, he returned my call after a few days and set an appointment to see him. I went promptly and he confirmed the pregnancy. He also did a scan saying he was not sure he would see anything, but as luck would have it, the scan showed the pregnancy with the fetus and even a heartbeat. We were so excited, and my doctor was too. The end to my struggle with infertility was surely in sight.
Having learnt from previous experience, we did not break the news to our family until I was about three months pregnant and ofcourse, they were overjoyed, especially my in-laws.
Each month that we went for our prenatal check-up was a triumph in itself, as the news was always good. We were having a girl, and we were even more excited.
Then round about the seventh month of my pregnancy, everything changed. Our baby was sick, she had developed a lot of fluid (a condition known as Hydrops Fetalis) in her little body and was given only a twenty percent chance of living.
We were crushed. It is confirmed, we are doomed to remain childless. We must have in fact done something to deserve this punishment, as this cannot be happening and not at this stage when I was already thrown a shower and had all my cute pink things to welcome my baby girl.
My doctor wanted to give us hope and so he told us that he was focusing on the twenty percent chance of life that our little angel had, and challenged us to remain positive. Bless his heart. I was put into the public system as he could not monitor my pregnancy anymore and on my first appointment, the doctor discovered that the baby had died. I did not know life as it were anymore. I was walking around like I was seeing ghosts. I was totally devastated and needed to know why this was happening to us.
I was admitted to the hospital the next day and things got worse the day after I had given birth to our daughter, as there was this terrible feeling of emptiness that made me cry and could not stop. I never cried so much in my entire life.

In the next post, I will tell you, (and I know you are eager to read it), how we made it through this very trying and dark time.