GRATEFUL WEDNESDAYS - BULLIES NEED FRIENDS TOO.......

Today I am grateful for the chance I recently had, to make a difference in someone else’s life.

When I was struggling  with infertility, I often thought that If I  ever had children I would be so protective of them and would do everything to prevent any harm from ever coming to them. Nothing strange here though, because that is what a parent is supposed to do.

With this said, I had the chance of working in a Summer camp for two months recently and being a worker at the camp, one of the perks was that my children could attend. Very early into the camp, a little boy saw my son, I guess, an easy target to pick on. He started calling him names and so my son came to me and complained about it. I first said to him don’t worry, we will just see if this continues, (even though the overprotective side of me was screaming, "lets deal with this now, no one interferes with my miracle child and gets away with it). I managed to hold it together though. He came to me a couple times after that complaining that this child was still picking on him and so I decided it was time to act. I at first took a subtle approach, I told him well, I would handle it by trying to find a name to pin on him (from what I have noticed about bullies if they see you as an easy target, that is, you do not retaliate, that boosts their ego and they like that. If you stand up to them, worst, if you retaliate in front of their friends, it embarrasses them and they soon move on to the next easy target). The little boy wears glasses, so I said to my son, he wears glasses right?  Well, call him a blind bat (I am not really proud that I actually resorted to doing that, because as a parent, I should be teaching my child that two wrongs do not make a right -  please forgive my humanness here and I am admitting that my son and I even came up with some more names). Well, he called him the names but apparently it yielded no results. I then decided to go to the camper in person and speak to him. I did that and it did not help that by this time I was a bit on the upset side.  I wanted to say to him, “how dear you chose my son to be a target for your cowardly bullying. Stop this now or answer to me from now on.”

I managed to just to say the first line of my prepared speech to him and then as soon as I looked into his little face I saw far behind the bullying, I saw a child needing attention, a child probably neglected at home, or just not validated as a worthy precious being. I immediately changed my speech and instead asked him if he would like be picked on or called names. He promptly said no. I finished by saying, well do not do to others what you would not want done to you.

You know what, he still picked on my son and other kids too, but soon  though, it was he who came to me on a few occasions to complain that my son was calling him names.

Later in camp, I found that the way I felt about this little boy had changed. I felt like I was his friend, so much so that on occasions I would just go and talk to him to validate him and commend him when he did anything worth commendation.

I left camp feeling grateful for having had the chance to make a difference in this little life of promise.

Let me know your thoughts, would you have dealt with this situation the same way I did?
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MONDAY RAMBLINGS - When the shoe is on the other foot.......

When my husband and I began trying to start our family, I had no problem when people asked us if we had plans to have children. Some even wanted to know what we were waiting for.

As soon as I became aware that I had infertility issues and my struggles intensified, I felt differently about those questions, to the point where when persons asked the question and then add, 'you guys are not ready yet? I quickly responded 'no, we are not ready' just so I was not tempted to give additional information.  This worked for a while and then I started feeling like a fraud. Why was I misleading people, I asked myself, when I would have moved heaven and earth just to become pregnant. Why was I so cruel to myself.

The questions did not stop, they became more frequent even, but this time my answers changed. I started responding with, 'its in God's hands,' hoping that persons would read between the lines and get the message that something was preventing us from realizing this dream.

Well, there are persons that I do know of now, who have been married for just about the time when you would expect them to start their family and dare I ask. I am tempted though, but when the shoe is on the other foot, it is an entirely different story. Knowing the difficulty I had with these questions, I do not wish for anyone else to experience this on my account, and so I am happy to join the wait to see what unfolds.

In the same way, there are persons I know who are struggling with infertility and I am so careful what I say around them and stands eager to offer any assistance, as a result of my journey.

All around us, there are persons struggling with one thing or another and so for the few who are so blessed to not have any struggles, it should not be too hard to understand that pain is pain  I want to encourage us all then to try and put on someone else's shoe, (the saying goes - 'never judge a man until you have walked a mile in his shoes), you will be amazed to see how much more there is to understand about life's struggles and pain, and as a result be there for each other and empathize more.

I hope this Monday Ramblings feature makes sense, if not, then I guess it would have lived up to the segment name.

HAVE A BLESSED MONDAY






post image by: http://mychinaconnection.com/english-proverb/the-shoe-is-on-the-other-foot-or-walking-in-someone-elses-shoes/

SURROGACY UP CLOSE

What is Surrogacy?

“Surrogacy is an arrangement between a woman and a couple or individual to carry and deliver a baby. It is a controversial process that is not legal in all states.

There are two kinds of surrogate mothers.

Traditional surrogates. Artificial insemination first made surrogacy possible. A traditional surrogate is a woman who is artificially inseminated with the father's sperm. She then carries the baby and delivers it for the parents to raise. A traditional surrogate is the baby's biological mother. That's because it was her egg that was fertilized by the father's sperm. Donor sperm can also be used for a traditional surrogacy.

Gestational surrogates. Invitro-fertilization (IVF) now makes it possible to harvest eggs from the mother, fertilize them with sperm from the father, and place the embryo into the uterus of a gestational surrogate. The surrogate then carries the baby until birth. A gestational surrogate has no genetic ties to the child. That's because it wasn't her egg that was used. A gestational surrogate is called the "birth mother." The biological mother, though, is still the woman whose egg was fertilized.

The surrogacy arrangement is sometimes made through an agency and other times contracted privately. When searching for a surrogate mother, a couple might use the Internet, contact an agency, or network through friends and family. Surrogacy arrangements are sometimes made between strangers who never meet, or between persons who meet only occasionally through the process. A surrogacy arrangement might also involve persons whose lives become intertwined during the process, and even those who are family members or friends before entering a surrogacy arrangement.”

                                                                 *************************************** 

Whenever I think about surrogacy, I immediately go to the emotional part. How difficult it must be for a woman to carry a child, knowing that she will not be able to raise this child. I would imagine that she is forced to prevent, as much as she can, bonding with this child.

There is a reality show carried by the Oxygen Channel, entitled, “I am having your baby.” I have not been able to watch an episode yet, but from previews, I see where it is very emotional for these women as they prepare to give up their babies to the rightful owners. So emotional that my husband, who does not show emotions easily, saw one of the previews and after being quiet for a moment said, ‘sad.’

When I was struggling with infertility, my sister did mention that she could consider having my baby. I was deeply touched, but I was not sure that I was able to deal with all that this would entail. Then, I would have done anything for a baby, but surrogacy would have put it over the top for me. Bless her heart.

Hats off to these women who are involved in surrogacy. This practice might not be overall legal, but you  may not be able to comprehend fully, the joy you bring to others, who otherwise would not have a chance at having biological children. Do know that what you do, is for me, among the highest level of selflessness.

Post image by: http://edition.cnn.com/2012/09/07/health/surrogate-sisters

Sources sited for information on surrogacy:-

 http://www.wisegeek.com/what-is-surrogacy.htm#slideshow

http://www.webmd.com/infertility-and-reproduction/guide/using-surrogate-mother

OUR CHILDREN AND THE IMPACT THEY HAVE ON US

image by: http://thumbs.dreamstime.com

Recently I heard my doctor said that our children are capable of having us switch between emotions  instantaneously. This minute you can love them with every fibre of your being, literally loving them to pieces and the next minute you can be so upset with them. I was immediately able to identify with what he was saying.

When I was struggling with infertility, on many occasions, I would picture myself being the best mom ever. I would be my children’s friend and confidant and they would be so happy to have me as their mom.  As my son began developing his own identity and personality, I was jolted into reality, however. You certainly cannot be your children’s friend, if it is at the detriment of proper and effective discipline.

It is so warming and overwhelming when you see your children interact with their grandparents, knowing that they love them almost as much as you do and probably even more, if this is at all possible. This was a great frustration of mine when I was struggling to conceive, because I was so eager to be able to see this interaction. The other day a friend and I were having a conversation about our children and she said to me that it is such a pleasure watching her parents interact with her daughter and that they would not allow a day to go by without them spending time with her. My response to her, was, ‘it warms your heart, doesn’t it?. Knowing fully well that this is what happens to me as well.

Our children are capable of bringing out so much in us. A few times, sadly, it could possibly be the worst. Case in point, the other day, we made a trip to the barber so that my husband and son could have a haircut. After our son was finished with his hair, I took him for a walk. To my dismay, there were some toy stores around and I reluctantly went with him inside as he wanted to go in, knowing fully well that things could go downhill from there.  Well, it did, I had to force him to leave the store as he was taking the people's things and they were not amused. He unwillingly came out of the store and on our way back to his Dad's, he began protesting even more, I held him and had to literally drag him along and there were some nos and loud screams in protest and so by this time we had gotten everyone's attention. I made the decision to spank him, which I did, and after that he came willingly with me.  Everyone was still looking on and did I feel embarrassed? Not an ounce, I was just relieved to have him adhere and so I held my head high and continued on to meet with my husband feeling very proud of myself for bringing this situation under control. Was that the worst that was brought out in me? I am still not sure. Most most times though, it is the best that they bring out in you, so do not panic. 


This minute you are out in the backyard indulging in childhood play with them and the next you have to put on the hat of disciplinarian and still at any minute you could find yourself playing the role of doctor, seamstress, handyman, judge, you name it. To your children, you are the best cook ever and no member of the iron chef team can prepare macaroni and cheese like you. The other day my six year old niece asked me to make pancakes for her and sadly it did not come out tasting  like her mom’s.  She did not hesitate to tell me that I was not as good as her mom as she makes the best pancake ever. My son ate his share and asked for seconds. Thank goodness for my son, as to date I would be feeling like a very bad cook.

Our children are mini versions of us and this is evident as their personality develops and based on what our parents say from time to time about us, when we were growing up, we realize that our children are just like us. This is when we finally get our parents and is forced to appreciate and love them so much more for all that they had to go through in molding us into the persons we are today, and now parents ourselves.

Parenting is a beautiful thing and it is all of the above and more that makes it so noble and honourable, yet difficult and we are such better individuals on account of this. For those who are yearning to become parents, it is a good thing for which you yearn and my hope is that, one day soon your dream will be realized.

All the best and KEEP CLINGING TO HOPE.

“WHAT HE CAN EXPECT WHEN SHE IS NOT EXPECTING”

image by: http://www.natural-fertility-prescription.com

In my years of struggling with infertility, many times I felt very alone because my husband did not seem to be emotionally invested in this struggle. I was largely the cause of our infertility and so I thought that it was normal that I was the only one suffering emotionally.

After a while, it got to me because I was no longer able to cope all by myself. I became overwhelmed and sadly began to resent my husband and also started wondering if he even wanted children.

As a result of all that I was going through with my infertility struggles, I really did not want my marriage to deteriorate, because I did not have the energy to deal with any other struggle and so I sat my husband down one day and asked him how he really felt about our struggles to have children. I was in no way prepared for what he later said to me. He said he was indeed hurting but he did not want to show it, for fear that it would make me feel worst. I honour him for this response and was very upset with myself that I had judged him without ever giving him the chance to talk about his feelings. I accepted his response, but deep down I was thinking that there had to be more reasons for this disconnect.

Infertility is largely viewed as a woman’s issue and so because of this, men feel that they have no part in this struggle and especially if they are not a contributor to these struggles. Many men feel that their duty is just to be there physically to aid their wife in the conception process and so do not see themselves as part of the solution and emotional process at all.

 It is with this in mind, that the book, “What he can expect when she is not expecting” was written. Authored by Marc Sedaka, with input from his fertility doctor, Dr. Gregory Rosen. This book is a guide for men, on supporting their wives, saving their marriage and conquering infertility. Marc, along with his wife had very intense struggles with infertility, suffering through 16 artificial inseminations, 10 invitro-fertilizations, 3 miscarriages and finally welcomed twin girls as a result of gestational surrogacy.

Marc shares with us three ways that men can confront their infertility issues head on:-

Communicate – Deal with feelings, find out exactly how your wife is feeling without being confrontational.

Educate – If even after admitting that you both need professional intervention, your wife does not make any attempt to do anything, take matters in your hands, educate both yourselves, surf the internet, get books on infertility.

Support – Encourage your wife to seek support. She might refuse at first because she might not be ready to let anyone else into her painful world as yet, but continue to encourage her, when she is finally ready, she will find out that she really needed this support.

Marc also shares with us the "10 things not to say to your ‘fertility-challenged’ wife," some of which are:-

1.      

•   Thats Ok, I did not want you to get fat anyway.
•  No more condoms, cool.
•  Don’t worry, you are still relatively young etc. 

If you are interested in reading this book, it can be purchased directly below, from Amazon.com

A BIG THUMBS UP TO THE 'VIEW' ON ABC!!!!!!

Children are a gift from the Lord; they are a reward from him.
Children born to a young man are like sharp arrows in a warrior’s hand
Psalm 127: 3 & 4

"HOPE MAKES ALL THE DIFFERENCE"

When I heard yesterday that the daytime program, The View, aired on ABC at 11:00 a.m. every morning was dedicating their entire program today to infertility, I was so excited. Yes, I have conquered infertility, but I was still thrilled to hear this and the reason for this is, for the decade plus that I struggled with infertility, I always wondered why no forums were dedicated to this condition. Why no television programs ever aired anything of this kind. I was soon forced to believe that, it was because infertility was such a private and personal issue that people kept it to themselves and therefore it never became necessary to have such programs.

What I found out when my infertility finally was made public, was that so many persons had suffered or are struggling with this condition and sadly, for most of my decade long struggle, I suffered alone because I did not come across anyone with whom I could identify. It was only towards the end of my struggles that I found two such persons, and it made such a big difference, because I knew then that I was certainly not alone. After I started this blog, a year ago, a whole world of persons struggling with infertility suddenly opened up to me and I so wished that I had tapped into this when I was struggling.

I also found out on today’s program on The View, that most of the hosts had some struggles with infertility. Barbara Walters, owner of the show, had three miscarriages and adopted her daughter after the third. Another host almost died from an ectopic pregnancy and another did treatments, including Invitro-Fertilization and now has a son, and yet another for a short while, struggled with infertility caused by Celiac Disease, (a condition which result, after eating products containing gluten) http://health.yahoo.com/digestive-symptoms/celiac-disease-symptoms/healthwise--hw192337.html. This brought home to me in no uncertain manner, how different we are on the outside, but how similarly we struggle inside.

Among their guests was Bill and Guilliana Rancic, (formerly Guilliana DiPandi), who has their own show, ‘Bill and Guilliana’ which airs on the style network. They were invited to share their struggles with infertility caused by a condition where Guilliana’s uterus is pushed to the side. Her doctor said he had never seen anything like this before. I attempted to do some research on this, thinking that anything could be found on the internet, but found nothing.

It struck me how this couple and others who were guests on the show spoke so comfortably and easily about their infertility and I felt at peace, because infertility is finally getting the attention it deserves. So many of us suffer emotionally with this condition and dared not to talk about it for fear that we would be judged or made to feel that we were less than.

I want to give a big thumbs up to ABC and Miss Walters. So many must be grateful to you, (I know I am) for carrying this program. We have indeed come such a long way. Infertility does not have to be a secret that we hold on to for dear life any longer, as there is a whole world out there of people who struggle in this regard who are offering support to countless others and it is amazing to see how many are being helped and you just made that world even bigger.

Be encouraged therefore, and until next time, keep clinging to hope.

WOMEN ARE STRONG AND RESILIENT BEINGS

Children are a gift from the Lord; they are a reward from him.
Children born to a young man are like sharp arrows in a warrior’s hand
Psalm 127: 3 & 4

Last Sunday at Church, a young lady approached me and asked if I was not going to try for a baby girl. I wanted so much to tell her oh yes, because we do need a sibling for our darling boy as he currently thinks that we are his siblings, but sadly I could not.

I instead proceeded to tell her of all the odds that were against us in trying for another baby, (health, age, finances and a promise I made to God when I was struggling with infertility, that if he allowed me to conceive even just one child, I would adopt a sibling for this child. I would help an unfortunate child, who would otherwise not have the gift of a loving home and family and this would be my way of thanking him for granting me the desire of my heart). I strongly believe God is holding me to this promise, in light of the fact that I did get pregnant earlier this year and lost it. I am sorry, I really have to think so, because I really did not believe God would allow me to go through the pain of another loss, after such a painful struggle with infertility. We are finding out now though that adoption is not as easy as we originally thought but we still intend to pursue it though and pray that God in his mercy, will see us through this as well, and even more so because we intend to honour the promise I made to him

As the conversation with this young lady on Sunday progressed, we were by then joined by another, who is the mother of a son and this part of the post reflects the reason for the caption as I believe you might by now be wondering when will I get to this. I quickly found myself telling them both that I do have my girl, only she is not with me, she is fulfilling her higher calling. That was when the young lady who started the conversation with me said, you are so strong for surviving the loss of a pregnancy, if it were me, I would have ended up in the mental hospital.

The conversation did not allow me time to give her any details of how I dealt with this loss, or she probably would have changed her statement, how I cried until I felt I had no more tears, how close I came to ending up in the mental hospital and could have also ended up in the morgue as I had intentions of ending my life, because I was not sure I could go on living. I had invested everything emotionally in this pregnancy and was feeling that I was well on my way to overcoming infertility only to have it ripped from my grasp.

Ever so often, my thoughts wander back to that loss and with tears in my eyes, I relive the horror, the despair and the pain I felt. This is pain compared to none other I have felt. The thing is though, women are resilient beings and just as I bounced back from this tragedy, this young lady, like many of us who have had losses, would have bounced back from a loss of a pregnancy herself, she just does not know this, because she was never given the chance.

I have heard on many occasions how strong I am to have dealt with infertility and the losses that came with it, but I do not hasten to revel in this glory or give myself any credit over any other woman who have walked or will walk this scary road, as I must conclude that women are indeed strong and resilient beings who bounces back from any tragedy, any difficult situation, to complete the task that has been given them on this journey of life. You might have heard or have noticed that more men actually end up committing suicide than women and this I strongly believe, is because women will show their grief, they will grieve deeply but openly, they will show their pain but men on the other hand are not known not to, they instead internalize things.

Women, be encouraged therefore, and until next time, keep clinging to hope.