In my years of struggling with infertility, many times I felt very alone because my husband did not seem to be emotionally invested in this struggle. I was largely the cause of our infertility and so I thought that it was normal that I was the only one suffering emotionally.
After a while, it got to me because I was no longer able to cope all by myself. I became overwhelmed and sadly began to resent my husband and also started wondering if he even wanted children.
As a result of all that I was going through with my infertility struggles, I really did not want my marriage to deteriorate, because I did not have the energy to deal with any other struggle and so I sat my husband down one day and asked him how he really felt about our struggles to have children. I was in no way prepared for what he later said to me. He said he was indeed hurting but he did not want to show it, for fear that it would make me feel worst. I honour him for this response and was very upset with myself that I had judged him without ever giving him the chance to talk about his feelings. I accepted his response, but deep down I was thinking that there had to be more reasons for this disconnect.
Infertility is largely viewed as a woman’s issue and so because of this, men feel that they have no part in this struggle and especially if they are not a contributor to these struggles. Many men feel that their duty is just to be there physically to aid their wife in the conception process and so do not see themselves as part of the solution and emotional process at all.
It is with this in mind, that the book, “What he can expect when she is not expecting” was written. Authored by Marc Sedaka, with input from his fertility doctor, Dr. Gregory Rosen. This book is a guide for men, on supporting their wives, saving their marriage and conquering infertility. Marc, along with his wife had very intense struggles with infertility, suffering through 16 artificial inseminations, 10 invitro-fertilizations, 3 miscarriages and finally welcomed twin girls as a result of gestational surrogacy.
Marc shares with us three ways that men can confront their infertility issues head on:-
Communicate – Deal with feelings, find out exactly how your wife is feeling without being confrontational.
Educate – If even after admitting that you both need professional intervention, your wife does not make any attempt to do anything, take matters in your hands, educate both yourselves, surf the internet, get books on infertility.
Support – Encourage your wife to seek support. She might refuse at first because she might not be ready to let anyone else into her painful world as yet, but continue to encourage her, when she is finally ready, she will find out that she really needed this support.
Marc also shares with us the "10 things not to say to your ‘fertility-challenged’ wife," some of which are:-
1.
- Thats Ok, I did not want you to get fat anyway.
- No more condoms, cool.
- Don’t worry, you are still relatively young etc.
If you are interested in reading this book, it can be purchased directly below, from Amazon.com
