LIFE HAPPENS IN THE PRESENT!!!!!

After having children, we have to change our perspective on life whether we like it or not. If not, no worries, they will change for us. Children teach us so much and one thing in particular that I want to focus on in this post is, they teach us how to stay in the moment.

Recently, one of my sisters visited from overseas and she planned for us a day with our Dad, out in the country, which she termed a ‘cookout’, even though it was more like a ‘cook in’, because we cooked inside.

After the first phase of my duties in the kitchen was over, my son, who is an energetic 5 year old, decided to indulge me in a nature walk, which he termed an adventure. We walked through almost all of my father’s property, among the lush vegetation and I was having fun with my boy. I decided to draw on my creative self and use this as a learning activity for him and so I began to identify some fruit trees and introduce him to them. He totally enjoyed that, wow am I a good mom or what, I beamed to myself. What made me uncomfortable though, was that I had to make so much effort to stay in the moment as I kept wondering if I am needed in the kitchen or if I really shouldn’t  be resting a little, as I did felt tired, until I was needed again in the kitchen to assist.

We finished our nature walk and no sooner had we finished, he was begging for another round. This time with added incentive, we now would be searching for treasure (thanks to Dora). By this time our daughter was awake from her 15 minutes nap (well, it sure felt like that because like her mommy, she is not a day sleeper) and my husband was off parenting duties because he had taken some work to finish up due to a deadline. I therefore had to make this second nature/adventure trek again, this time with added weight, as our daughter weighs over 25 pounds, well, 27 as I pen this post. This second time around was definitely no fun, and I tried very hard to show my son that I was enjoying this quality time with him. I begged him to cut this one short as I was really winded with his sister on my side. He did not give in, but somehow I succeeded in manipulating him to return to the house.

What saved me from a third nature walk was the call that dinner was ready.

When I was struggling to have children, I very often romanticized the idea of how great a mom I would be if given the chance. Reality now strikes and I am thinking, well, this one sure seem to have gotten away from me. I am only comforted by the fact that, I know I am not alone in this, because as parents we do come up short in one way or another.

The lesson here then is not just to us who are parents, but to all who have become so wound up from the spin cycle that our lives have become. We have to make special effort to remain present in life. Cease the moments when we can just kick back, relax and smell the roses.

My son taught me well, this lesson that day. After all mom, you are in the country where the vegetation is lush, no hustle, no bustle and more than all, the air is clean, why not take it all in, cease the moment.

My children continue to teach me daily, that LIFE HAPPENS IN THE PRESENT!!!!!

I HAVE NOT FORGOTTEN ABOUT YOU!!!!!!!!

It has been over three months since I have posted anything new on my site.

This is due to the fact that my husband has been working out full time since then and my time is totally consumed with parenting for two, which leaves me no time really to write on my blog or my books for that matter.

Even as I am writing this note, my daughter who is now an active toddler, and naps just once a day for about a hour and a half, plugged out the computer twice before I could save anything and now has her sights set on the internet connection.

This note is therefore to promise you all that I am planning to return to active blogging soon, as I really miss it a lot, so bare with me.

My blog has a lot of earlier posts with helpful infertility resources though, for your continued indulgence, so please do not stop visiting.

I appreciate all of you who continue to visit my site and leave your kind comments. Those who write for answers to specific questions, please know that even if I do not respond right away, I am fully committed to always respond.

Happy reading, everyone!!!!!

HAVING CHILDREN LATER IN LIFE

image by:http://i.telegraph.co.uk/

It is recommended that couples start their families in their twenties, because at that time women are more fertile and better able to deal with the demands of motherhood and parenting.

This is very true, but many of us struggling with infertility, or have ever struggled with infertility, have not much choice in this matter, and as a result find ourselves starting our families much later in life.

The risks of getting pregnant  later in life cannot be ignored.  There is the risk of certain birth defects e.g. Down Syndrome. There is the risk of miscarriage, pre-eclampsia, babies with low birth weight among others and so there is much anxiety for women who find themselves pregnant later in their lives.

Regardless of this however, women are still becoming pregnant at this stage in their lives. I had my son at 39 and later said I would try for another up to the age of 43. I know of many other women who have had children at this age and even older. In Hollywood, there are a lot of older mothers, Halle Berry who gave birth to daughter Nahla at 41,  Mariah Carey who just gave birth to twins at age 40, and everyone will remember Kelly Preston, who gave birth to her third child in December, at the ripe old age of 47. There is also recent news, that Carla Brunni, first lady of France is currently expecting, at age 43. I remember when I had my miscarriage in 2009, I was 41, then and was telling someone about my ordeal, who was quick to ask, ‘is it safe for you to get pregnant at your age?’ I was not sure if I was to feel offended or not, but I knew she only said that, because of what she was socialized to believe about women and pregnancy, and is not able to think outside of the box.

I guess many women, including myself are simply just thinking that other older women get through their pregnancies, successfully, so we can too and choose to take a positive attitude in this regard. Kelly Preston said, she did not think about the risks, she just thought that it would be difficult.

Pregnancy, on a whole, regardless of your age comes with many risks and so if older women should reflect on the risks only, they would never go on to have the families, they want. The key to any successful pregnancy, later in life, I believe, is being as healthy as you possibly can, before and during  your pregnancy, staying as close as possible to your doctor and most of all, having a very positive attitude.

ALL THE VERY BEST IN YOUR DECISION TO BECOME AN OLDER MOM.

OUR CHILDREN AND THE IMPACT THEY HAVE ON US

image by: http://thumbs.dreamstime.com

Recently I heard my doctor said that our children are capable of having us switch between emotions  instantaneously. This minute you can love them with every fibre of your being, literally loving them to pieces and the next minute you can be so upset with them. I was immediately able to identify with what he was saying.

When I was struggling with infertility, on many occasions, I would picture myself being the best mom ever. I would be my children’s friend and confidant and they would be so happy to have me as their mom.  As my son began developing his own identity and personality, I was jolted into reality, however. You certainly cannot be your children’s friend, if it is at the detriment of proper and effective discipline.

It is so warming and overwhelming when you see your children interact with their grandparents, knowing that they love them almost as much as you do and probably even more, if this is at all possible. This was a great frustration of mine when I was struggling to conceive, because I was so eager to be able to see this interaction. The other day a friend and I were having a conversation about our children and she said to me that it is such a pleasure watching her parents interact with her daughter and that they would not allow a day to go by without them spending time with her. My response to her, was, ‘it warms your heart, doesn’t it?. Knowing fully well that this is what happens to me as well.

Our children are capable of bringing out so much in us. A few times, sadly, it could possibly be the worst. Case in point, the other day, we made a trip to the barber so that my husband and son could have a haircut. After our son was finished with his hair, I took him for a walk. To my dismay, there were some toy stores around and I reluctantly went with him inside as he wanted to go in, knowing fully well that things could go downhill from there.  Well, it did, I had to force him to leave the store as he was taking the people's things and they were not amused. He unwillingly came out of the store and on our way back to his Dad's, he began protesting even more, I held him and had to literally drag him along and there were some nos and loud screams in protest and so by this time we had gotten everyone's attention. I made the decision to spank him, which I did, and after that he came willingly with me.  Everyone was still looking on and did I feel embarrassed? Not an ounce, I was just relieved to have him adhere and so I held my head high and continued on to meet with my husband feeling very proud of myself for bringing this situation under control. Was that the worst that was brought out in me? I am still not sure. Most most times though, it is the best that they bring out in you, so do not panic. 


This minute you are out in the backyard indulging in childhood play with them and the next you have to put on the hat of disciplinarian and still at any minute you could find yourself playing the role of doctor, seamstress, handyman, judge, you name it. To your children, you are the best cook ever and no member of the iron chef team can prepare macaroni and cheese like you. The other day my six year old niece asked me to make pancakes for her and sadly it did not come out tasting  like her mom’s.  She did not hesitate to tell me that I was not as good as her mom as she makes the best pancake ever. My son ate his share and asked for seconds. Thank goodness for my son, as to date I would be feeling like a very bad cook.

Our children are mini versions of us and this is evident as their personality develops and based on what our parents say from time to time about us, when we were growing up, we realize that our children are just like us. This is when we finally get our parents and is forced to appreciate and love them so much more for all that they had to go through in molding us into the persons we are today, and now parents ourselves.

Parenting is a beautiful thing and it is all of the above and more that makes it so noble and honourable, yet difficult and we are such better individuals on account of this. For those who are yearning to become parents, it is a good thing for which you yearn and my hope is that, one day soon your dream will be realized.

All the best and KEEP CLINGING TO HOPE.

H A P P Y B I R T H D A Y T H E O D O R E

“Children are a gift from the Lord; they are a reward from him.

Children born to a young man are like sharp arrows in a warrior’s hand.”
Psalm 127: 3 & 4

Our son will be two tomorrow, June 16. Two years ago we welcomed our miracle baby and now he is growing up, we have no baby anymore. We will not be celebrating his birthday in any public way, we will doing something private. We are not big on throwing him birthday parties, instead we try to invest in more tangible and meaningful things for him and that was one of the reasons why we made the effort to have him visit with his grandparents recently and believe me, the bonding I saw with his grandparents was better than any party you could have thrown him.

I have learnt so much about parenting in this short time. I have learnt what it really means to love unconditionally. To have to discipline our son because of something naughty he did and then watch him run into your arms a few minutes later with a special hug or kiss for you, totally forgetting the discipline he just received. I would imagine that, that is how it should be with our relationship with God as well. He disciplines us and wants us to run into his arms soon after when we need comfort.

Throughout our struggle with primary infertility, I have often heard mothers say that whenever their children hurt, they feel that hurt in the bottom of their stomach, some even hold on to the bottom of their stomachs and cry in pain. I always felt jealous of these moms because I was not sure I would ever be able to relate in this way to what they were feeling. Thank goodness I now totally understand and can relate, even though thankfully my son has not suffered any real hurt, only the occasional falls where he hit his head on the floor. Those do terrify me and I do feel the hurt in my stomach, especially that he cries so hard whenever he suffers one of those falls.

Last night we were watching the movie, ‘not easily broken’ by T.D. Jakes and the physiotherapist in the movie lost her son to a swimming accident. He won his race but he went too hard into the wall of the pool and seemed to have suffered a head injury and sadly died. This overwhelming sadness came over me and I suddenly pictured myself in the same position. Believe me, this was not my child and it was acting, but I felt the pain deep down in my stomach as if it was my child, it was frightening. I saw my husband turned on two occasions and looked at our son who was sleeping on the sofa beside us and I knew he was going through the same thing I was going through. What came to me forcefully was that this child was an only child and his mom was a single mom and so she is now all alone. I revisited the whole issue of having an only child and vowed again that there is no way I will settle with just one child, as long as I can do something about it.

I had no idea parenting was so challenging, but so worth it. Mind you I have heard stories and I have witnessed enough parenting going on around me, but you never know the extent of something until you experience it yourself. At times it has me wondering if this is probably why God seem to not have wanted to give me children, the fact that I might not be able to co-op with it. Trust me with a child as active and daring as ours, you would be wondering too, ‘what did I get myself in.’ The thing is, the minute I start having those thoughts, he does something so sweet, so cute that those thoughts immediately disappear and I start thanking God for him all over again. While visiting with family recently, one of my brother-in-laws said to me that I deserved a medal for parenting, after seeing the amount of energy that our son has and how you constantly have to have an eye on him in case he hurts himself or someone else. I was able to respond to him in the most practical way, that I came into this experience with an open mind. Of course we all would like to think that we will have the calmest and easy to control children, but what a quiet and dull world that would be. Can you imagine it? Quite frankly, I prefer the noise, to me its a sign of life and good health.

What can I say, parenting has taught me unconditional love, unselfishness, patience, “to cry a little, live a little and let my poor heart break just a little, for that’s the glory of, that’s the story of love.” These are the words of a song I heard sang once and I have remembered them since. Parenting has also taught me trust in a new way, because when our efforts to be the parents we ought to be to our son seem insufficient, we can only move onward through faith in God, that everything will turn out well.

One of the vows I have made is to ensure that our son enjoy and live in the moment of his childhood as much as possible, so that when he is older, he does not come up missing anything.

To all of you struggling with infertility, my prayer is that one day you will be able to write a post on your blog site such as this, but you have to hold on to hope. You have to picture it happening for you. You cannot afford to lose heart or hope or else you lose everything.

Until next time, keep clinging to this hope.

Our son's first haircut

“Children are a gift from the Lord; they are a reward from him.
Children born to a young man are like sharp arrows in a warrior’s hand.”
Psalm 127: 3 & 4

Today’s post will be on a lighter subject. No infertility and its many causes and certainly no miscarriages. After all, who likes to talk about things like these all of the time. A light moment can be so welcoming when everything else seem to be going awry. I do trust my infertile readers won’t think that I am insensitive for writing this post as we are still in the honeymoon stage of parenting.

One Saturday morning, about two weeks ago, we had just had breakfast and felt we had the energy to take on our son to cut his finger nails, even though he was not sleeping. You must have remembered me mentioning that he does not allow us to cut his nails unless he is sleeping. After all, they were looking like he was being raised by wolves. Turns out he does not really want us to do anything to him, this includes brushing his teeth, combing his hair, changing his diapers, he always put up a fight. Cutting his fingernails started out promising but we soon realized that even though it was the two of us against him, we were still no match for him. (I wonder what they are putting in the children’s formulae these days, they are so strong). We managed to get to the third finger nail and when we could not go on, a bright idea struck me, why not try to cut his hair instead, which along with the long finger nails, did appear as if he was truly being grown in the wild. My husband often said he looked like the cartoon character of John Lithgow in the movie, ‘The Incredibles,’ who has ‘spikey’ hair.

I must say some days, I like the wild hair on him but other days, it is just simply difficult to deal with. This attempt started out promising also, as my husband managed to get the excess hair off rather quickly and the haircut began taking shape soon after. Things quickly got ugly however, as he started to cry as if we were abusing him. He also began sweating profusely and soon he had hair all over his face, in his mouth, in his eyes and was on his back on the ground. We accepted defeat, at least for the moment, gave him a bath and he went to sleep.

When he awoke, we fed him and made our second attempt, this time hoping that the bath and nap would have calmed him a bit. We tried to get it right this time by putting him in a high chair outside at the back of our house. The afternoon was so lovely with a gentle caribbean breeze blowing and birds flying all about and chirping happily in the trees. This was a brilliant idea we thought because he love the outdoors and the ‘birdies.’ We began the task again and soon he began protesting so my husband had to hurry to get it done before he was on the ground again. Not long afterwards we accepted our second defeat this time feeling very guilty because the haircut actually was looking worse than the first attempt.

The next day, he fell asleep in my arms. As I stared at how calm and defenseless he was sleeping, the idea struck me, why not finish the job when he is asleep (hmmm, the bible story of Sampson who had his hair cut by Delilah while he fell asleep in her lap comes to mind. The only difference is, Sampson lost his strength when his hair was cut, my son’s strength seemed to have increased).

Then and only then did we truly complete the task. We felt we could slap ourselves, why didn’t we think of this before? Cut his hair while he was asleep.

We certainly learnt our lesson and next time we will surely get it right. He looks so cute and boyish with his new haircut, we can’t stop staring at him we have taken so many pictures and will be sending some off to family members who cannot wait to see this new look. It was truly worth the war.

I trust you enjoyed the little time away from infertility.

Until next time, keep clinging to hope