MONDAY RAMBLINGS: Infertility and your marriage

Last week in my Monday ramblings space, I spoke about marriage after infertility and I shared that my marriage was stronger after infertility even though it stood no adverse test during my struggles with infertility and so I have reasons to regard myself as very fortunate.

Others are not so fortunate though because infertility can wreak havoc on a marriage. I have heard where because one husband was yearning so much for children, the wife told him that he was free to go, since she had now resigned herself to probably a life without biological children, in other words, she was over stressing about it.

It is with this in mind that I am encouraged to share this expert advice, courtesy of Babycenter, "Therapist’s top 10 tips for dealing with infertility problems."

Follow the link below:-

 http://www.babycenter.com/0_therapists-top-ten-tips-for-coping-with-fertility-problems_3935.bc

I particularly like the tip which encourages you to work as a team, simply because, as a team you are stronger against the forces. We had each others’ back, when the forces wanted to floor us and we prove we were up to the test and was rewarded for this valiant effort.

BE ENCOURAGED.

image by:http://www.todaysparent.com/family/parenting/how-to-take-care-of-your-relationship-through-infertility/

SURROGACY UP CLOSE

What is Surrogacy?

“Surrogacy is an arrangement between a woman and a couple or individual to carry and deliver a baby. It is a controversial process that is not legal in all states.

There are two kinds of surrogate mothers.

Traditional surrogates. Artificial insemination first made surrogacy possible. A traditional surrogate is a woman who is artificially inseminated with the father's sperm. She then carries the baby and delivers it for the parents to raise. A traditional surrogate is the baby's biological mother. That's because it was her egg that was fertilized by the father's sperm. Donor sperm can also be used for a traditional surrogacy.

Gestational surrogates. Invitro-fertilization (IVF) now makes it possible to harvest eggs from the mother, fertilize them with sperm from the father, and place the embryo into the uterus of a gestational surrogate. The surrogate then carries the baby until birth. A gestational surrogate has no genetic ties to the child. That's because it wasn't her egg that was used. A gestational surrogate is called the "birth mother." The biological mother, though, is still the woman whose egg was fertilized.

The surrogacy arrangement is sometimes made through an agency and other times contracted privately. When searching for a surrogate mother, a couple might use the Internet, contact an agency, or network through friends and family. Surrogacy arrangements are sometimes made between strangers who never meet, or between persons who meet only occasionally through the process. A surrogacy arrangement might also involve persons whose lives become intertwined during the process, and even those who are family members or friends before entering a surrogacy arrangement.”

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Whenever I think about surrogacy, I immediately go to the emotional part. How difficult it must be for a woman to carry a child, knowing that she will not be able to raise this child. I would imagine that she is forced to prevent, as much as she can, bonding with this child.

There is a reality show carried by the Oxygen Channel, entitled, “I am having your baby.” I have not been able to watch an episode yet, but from previews, I see where it is very emotional for these women as they prepare to give up their babies to the rightful owners. So emotional that my husband, who does not show emotions easily, saw one of the previews and after being quiet for a moment said, ‘sad.’

When I was struggling with infertility, my sister did mention that she could consider having my baby. I was deeply touched, but I was not sure that I was able to deal with all that this would entail. Then, I would have done anything for a baby, but surrogacy would have put it over the top for me. Bless her heart.

Hats off to these women who are involved in surrogacy. This practice might not be overall legal, but you  may not be able to comprehend fully, the joy you bring to others, who otherwise would not have a chance at having biological children. Do know that what you do, is for me, among the highest level of selflessness.

Post image by: http://edition.cnn.com/2012/09/07/health/surrogate-sisters

Sources sited for information on surrogacy:-

 http://www.wisegeek.com/what-is-surrogacy.htm#slideshow

http://www.webmd.com/infertility-and-reproduction/guide/using-surrogate-mother

THINKING OUT LOUD

 I was visiting with some family members this weekend, on route to a wedding on the west end of our island.

It was a beautiful visit because we had not spent any quality time with these family members for a while and so it was all the more worth it.

This couple has no children and at this stage will not be able to have any biological ones. I also know that they would not mind having children. My husband and I were visiting with our 4 year old son and I am currently 6 months pregnant with our second child. Throughout the visit, I had moments when I was wondering how, especially my sister-in-law was co-oping with us being there, given her circumstances. She did not show any discomfort outwardly and did not hesitate to engage me in conversation about the pregnancy and our expecting child. I know it is easier for this couple to deal with this because by now, they probably have resigned themselves to be without biological children, but does this pain and void that children would fill, ever go away?

I know in my time of struggles with infertility, it was very difficult for me to be around children and expectant women, much less to be host to them for any period of time. Having this experience, I did not talk or draw any undue attention to my pregnancy at all.

 I love this couple dearly, so much so that my sister-in-law is our son’s godmother and this decision was made so that we could share our son with them.

Thanks for having us guys, we truly cherished every moment we spent with you.

image by: http://info.thinktutoring.com/Portals/58528/images/thinking-out-loud.jpg

WHO IS A MOTHER

image by: http://studyinromania.files

The English Thesaurus (United Kingdom), describes a mother with the following phrases/terms, look after, care for, protect, nurse, tend.

A mother then, is a very broad term used to describe more than just women who have given  birth to children of their own. The Godmother, the Foster Mother, the Adopted Mother, the sister with no biological children of her own, but find herself caring for her siblings children, even the friend, who for some reason or another find herself caring for the children of a very good friend.

Not to be forgotten are the Mothers of some precious little angels in heaven. May 1 was International baby lost Mother’s Day and I want to do my little bit in acknowledging these special Mothers, as I believe that a woman becomes a mother from the moment it is confirmed that she is pregnant, because from that moment on bonding between mother and child begins.  The only different is, her children are not physically with her here on earth, they are in heaven with God, waiting for that great reunion. I am privileged to be a mother of one of these little angels and I cannot wait for the moment when we will be reunited.

This Mother’s Day, I want to acknowledge and honour ALL mothers. May you find joy and most of all a greater purpose in what you do. May you never grow weary in well-doing and not get too caught up in seeking earthly appreciation, but know that your reward is in heaven.

May everyday be an opportunity to learn and to impart knowledge and may you grow in grace, patience and virtue.

HAPPY  MOTHER’S  DAY

  

N.B. If you want to know more about International baby lost Mother’s Day, please check out the following link

http://internationalbabylostmothersday.blogspot.com/

ARE OUR CHILDREN CONSPIRING AGAINSTS US TO BE SEEN AS BAD PARENTS?????.

Children are a gift from the Lord; they are a reward from him.

Children born to a young man are like sharp arrows in a warrior’s hand

Psalm 127: 3 and 4

“HOPE MAKES ALL THE DIFFERENCE"

 Over my approximately ten years of struggling with infertility, I had enough time to learn from parents who desperately tried to do their best at parenting and as a result of what I saw, I created a blueprint of what I wanted my child to be like, and the parent I want to be, if and when my children did show up.

Now that I am a parent, it turns out that I cannot always use what I learned over those years, I have to totally abandon some things and tweak others, so that they work in my situations, because let’s face it, it really seems as if children are in a conspiracy to have us parents look like we are not doing a good job at parenting at all.

Our son is now developing his own personality and I tell you, some of his tendencies seem to be picked up from other kids in pre-school and they are frightening.

What I have seen though and cannot help but take notice, is that some children behaves very well in public and when strangers scold them, most actually do listen, and when we the parents do this, it takes a much longer time for them to adhere, sometimes leading to us to having to spank. Case in point, the other morning while we were taking our son to the car to leave for school, he was quite persistent that he wanted to sit in his booster seat and have his dad carry him to the car in the seat. He began crying and our neighbor who was nearby, saw what was happening and said to him, “stop, its too early in the morning for this behavior.” He stopped instantly and walked to the car with no further protest. I was grateful to our neighbor for stepping in, as my husband was getting no where close to restraining him, but on the other hand, this is something that I have to get used to, because the first thing that came to my mind was to feel that we are doing a poor job at parenting. Upon careful thought though, (and this has caused me to feel a little bit better), I have come up with the analogy that probably the reason this is so, is because our children are so close to us, we shower them with so much love and attention, (as in our cause, and understandably, due to our long and intense struggles with infertility) and so they see us as only figures of love and therefore does not take us too seriously, when we attempt to scold them.

There are however instances when we do not hold back scolding, for example, when we spank him and he attempts to hit us back, or when we scold him and he retreats to his room and slams the door (can you imagine a three year old doing this, I tell you, we are living in such different times, because as a child, one look from our dad, when we were being less than good, jolted us back in line). For behaviors such as this, we instantly react in no uncertain manner, to let him know that these behaviors will not be tolerated.

All parents out there and others, your comments are welcomed.

WHY THE ANGER????????

Children are a gift from the Lord; they are a reward from him.
Children born to a young man are like sharp arrows in a warrior’s hand
Psalm 127: 3 & 4

"HOPE MAKES ALL THE DIFFERENCE"

I have been watching for the past year as America’s Health Care Reform unfolds and has gotten really ugly over the last couples of days, especially since it was passed on Sunday.

What really has my attention now though, is how angry some people are. Opposition is good and does promote healthy politics, but not when it results in what is currently happening. We should be able to disagree without being disagreeable. I know people are angry and anger is a God-given right for each and every one of us, but what is important, is how we deal with this anger. We should not allow ourselves to get to the point where we lose control of our selves, and say things that causes hurt and even long term damage.

The fact that this is being played out in an environment where it has no place, is even sadder. These people who are elected to serve with a certain degree of dignity, self control and respect for themselves and who they serve, should be able to restrain themselves, if only for this reason.
The other thing is, what example are we setting for our children who are watching everyday as politics is played out in its ugliest of form. One day, we might find that there will be no one to run our dear countries, because our children are so turned off by what they are currently seeing. Then, we would definitely have a problem.

Come on people, we owe it to ourselves, our children and the land we serve, to do better, as this is very much unacceptable, at least in my eyes.

My readers, I know this has nothing to do with infertility, (or does it, because we do face anger throughout our infertility struggle and even more anger when a miscarriage becomes part of the process), but I just had to get it off my chest.

Catch you for my next post.

REMEMBERING THE PAIN OF INFERTILITY

Children are a gift from the Lord; they are a reward from him.
Children born to a young man are like sharp arrows in a warrior’s hand
Psalm 127: 3 & 4

You all know we moved recently, well there is a very nice couple who lives in the same complex who we learnt tried to have children but did not and sadly have to give up on their dream of having biological children.

The first thing that came to my mind when I found out this was, Wow, and our son will be a constant reminder to them of what they had to give up on. Theodore is so drawn to them and we find this quite strange because he is not easily drawn to anyone, especially now that he is getting more and more aware. The other day we went up to visit with them and as soon as we were inside, Theo took off his pants and slippers and before I knew it, he was in their bedroom and jumping up on their bed, while the gentleman was watching television. At one point when I went to check if he was any bother, I saw the gentleman wiping Theo’s nose as he was having a cold at the time. That was when I knew that there was quite a bond there. Sadly they are in the process of moving and we will miss them dearly, but on the other hand, we are relieved that Theodore will no longer be a constant reminder to them of children they want to have so badly.

I later found out that the gentleman is yearning very much for children and so they have plans to adopt. Every morning when he is leaving for work, he would ask for Theodore so that he can say hello and talk to him a bit. He, in-turn looks forward to this because as soon as he hears them exiting their apartment, he would position himself at a particular low window so that he can interact and say goodbye to them.

Yesterday, the gentleman came home and called out to me and asked for Theodore and said he wanted to talk to him. I told Theo to go to the window, but the gentleman wanted more than that, he wanted to hold Theodore for a bit. I figured at once, that this had something to do with his yearning for children of his own, why his request and without hesitation, I opened our door and let him hold our son. As I handed Theodore to him, I felt the stabbing pain of infertility (which was all too familiar) in the pit of my stomach and tears came to my eyes as I allowed myself to reach out to this dear gentleman in a way that only one who was yearning or had yearned in this way, could understand.

It meant a lot to me that I allowed myself to do this because somehow, I find that my heart goes out more to men who yearn for children. I was fortunate that my husband did not show his yearnings so much, or else I would have had a more difficult time with my infertility struggles.

Can you imagine, Who would have thought that I would ever have overcome infertility and be able to reach out to someone currently dealing with this pain in such a way, simply by allowing them to hold my child in their arms, with hope that it does make their pain a little lighter.

Shortly after this incident though, I began thinking, what if this young man had quickly jumped in his car and drove off with my son, what would I have done? This crossed my mind because in my own struggles with infertility, in my deepest darkest moments, I felt like I could just walk into a maternity ward and take a child, or snatch a child, if they were left wandering carelessly around. This thought quickly left my mind though, because I was more focused on giving of myself in this situation and did not want anything negative to affect this moment and moreover, this couple is such nice people, who quickly reached out to us when we moved in and even bought us chinese food to last us a couple of days, because we were not able to cook.

This incident remained foremost in my thoughts for the rest of the day and I could not wait until my husband came home to relate it to him.

I challenge those of us who know someone who is battling infertility or is childless because of infertility or other reasons, do try if you can, as I know this can be challenging, to reach out to these people in even the smallest way. You will be surprised what it does for you and not to mention them, because a little kindness does go a long way and some yearn just to even hold a child in their arms.

Be thoughtful therefore, and until next time keep clinging to hope.

What about those who infertility has subjected to a life without biological children.

“Children are a gift from the Lord; they are a reward from him.
Children born to a young man are like sharp arrows in a warrior’s hand.”
Psalm 127: 3 & 4

Ever since I started this blog and for every post I write, I am thinking about those of us who infertility has subjected to a life without biological children. I keep thinking, how can I include these persons? How can I let them know that I am thinking about them, that my heart is also aching for them and is having a hard time coming up with words of comfort and encouragement for them. I have just found a way, and I hope I will do justice to you. This post is lovingly dedicated to you.

Sadly, there is no easy way, or any easy words of comfort for these individuals and their pain is even greater than ours who, everyday still holds a chance that we could beat infertility but their hope is gone and some must now make peace with a life of not knowing what it really feels like to be pregnant. What their children would have looked like, their personalities, their career path, and this must hurt a lot. I know in very rare cases, women become pregnant well into their later years, but this is certainly not the norm and so these individuals have no choice but to embrace a life without biological children.

As if the above is not bad enough, these individuals still experience the emotional ups and downs associated with infertility. Mother’s and Father’s days are still difficult for them and they still do hurt whenever they see pregnant women and young children. The only part of this struggle that has been taken away is just the ritual of trying to conceive.

When I was struggling with infertility, there were many times when I thought that being a mother was not what God intended for me. As a result of this I would look around to see what I was good at, what I made an impact doing and made me feel alive, and most of all what gave me back at least some of the self-worth that infertility had robbed me of. I found serving others, (hospitality), and I thought well maybe that is the purpose God has for my life. As a result of this I threw myself into it, and when the compliments came, because I was doing it so well, I found I could not revel in them, as I honestly felt I was doing it as a result of a higher calling. I was convinced that this was the purpose God had for my life.

And so, I hope you have found your 'higher calling.' It cannot fill the void for children, it will not take care of the emotional pain that comes with being childless, but it should give you an outlet, it should give you self-worth. It should help you to get out of bed daily.

Remember you have the strength that most other women do not possess, as many could not deal with the pain of being childless, so consider yourself worthy, be it only for this.
I am sending hugs to you therefore, especially to a very special lady and gentleman, you know yourselves.

Remember also that there are still the options of adoption and fostering, if you want and until next time, may the peace of God enfolds you.

Image by:
http://images.google.tt/images?gbv=2&hl=en&sa=1&q=one+woman+comfoting+and+hugging+another&btnG=Search+images&aq=f&oq=&start=0