GRATEFUL WEDNESDAYS – On Self Acceptance

Today, I am grateful for self acceptance

We are our greatest critics, we try in every way possible to be perfect. Well, news flash, we are not created perfect, ask God, he says we are created imperfect beings. Why then do we cause ourselves unnecessary anxieties and stress, trying to be something that is humanly impossible.

Those of us who know me enough, know that I am far from perfect, I stutter and those who know me more intimately know that this is something I struggle with. A normal day for someone else, see me struggling just to co-op with what some of us find it so easy to do, talk.

As someone who stammers, I carry scars from childhood. From being called names, to being laughed at and ridiculed and not being validated by my family (who I don’t blame one bit, because they did not know better, as they did not possess the tools necessary to deal with a family member that stammers). I remember deciding that I would not talk at all and you know what, I did stop talking for a while, as it made me tired, tired and helpless and I hated feeling that way.

I suffered great injustice in adulthood because of my stammer, some a result of just trying to make a living and so I tried hard to be someone I knew I wasn’t, a fluent person and caused myself a whole lot of anxiety and pain. The thing is, I knew the result would just be more pain and heartache for me and thought many times that it could only be easier to just accept myself for who I am. This I tried numerous times but it proved futile. I became angry with myself, that it drove me into developing a hobby in writing which I am working on to make it a career, because I find I am loving it.

I remember being extremely afraid to attend social gatherings because I just could not carry a conversation and so I would find every excuse to not attend these functions. Not to mention that my self-worth took a hard blow as I found myself struggling with stammering and dealing with the pangs of infertility. 

In 1993, I tried therapy because I shuddered at the thought of stammering on my vows. Therapy worked, at least for my wedding, as I only had a minor block on the word ‘impediment’  in the part ( ......”that I know not of any lawful impediment.......”) - how coincidental.  After this therapy, however, I had major regression, as I was so certain this would have worked. The thing is, I largely think, to this day, that therapy had only dealt with what could be fixed physically about my stammering, the embarrassment and shame was not fixed.

I am here to say today, that I will no longer be allowing my stammer to define me, Its not too late, is it? I am Annetta, do you know her, yes, the same one who stammers and you know what, I am fine with that, shame and embarrassment, you are on notice for eviction because I know this will still be a journey, as from time to time I will suffer setbacks.  Most importantly, I have been getting by and will continue to, now more than ever, because I have finally grasped what it means to truly accept myself for who I am.

After all, I have to do this now, because I have to be imparting to my son who stammers as well, the necessary life skills he needs to cope in an unforgiving world. Skills that I garnered from my tears, mistakes, anxieties and heartaches, on a long, winding and lonely road that persons with certain life struggles find themselves on.

I am grateful then for self acceptance.

What scared me the most about Infertility

“Children are a gift from the Lord; they are a reward from him.
Children born to a young man are like sharp arrows in a warrior’s hand.”
Psalm 127: 3 & 4

Infertility is a scary issue to have to deal with and what scared me the most when my husband and I were struggling with it, was that images of us, old and gray and all alone, sitting on our porch with no children to visit us or call us to ensure that we are alright and was taking our blood pressure medication and keeping our doctors’ appointments, kept coming up in my mind and believe me, they were very haunting.

My Godmother had no children, I often wondered why but was told by her in 2006, when I had my miscarriage, that she suffered many miscarriages and sadly did not end up with any children. Her husband died many years ago and she was left alone. Many times when I would go to visit her, I could tell that she was sad and lonely and my heart ached seeing her in that way. She would just sit on her front verandah and look out and that for me was very difficult to see. She died recently and part of me was sad and part relieved that she no longer had to be alone. She is buried beside her husband and all I can think of is how happy she must be, now that she has been reunited with her dearly beloved.

As a result of what I saw my Godmother going through, it made me fight harder to beat infertility, even if it meant having just one child, or adopting, because I really did not want to end up like her nor I did not want my husband and I to be old and childless either.

Thankfully, due to the advancement in medical technology, many of us who are affected by infertility will go on to have children, and so we no longer have to feel afraid like I was feeling, that we will be old and gray and childless, that is if we do not resort to other alternatives of having children.

Having no pitter patter of little feet, or no innocent childhood laughter around was never the way I saw my life and so I feel eternally blessed that I now have these precious little indulgements in my life. I am a mother and hopefully will be a grandmother too one day.

Keep doing what you are doing for your triumph, don’t ever give up and I guarantee you, it will be all worth the struggle.

Until next time, keep clinging to hope.

Image by: http://images.google.tt/images?gbv=2&hl=en&sa=1&q=+elderly+couple+sitting+on+front+porch&btnG=Search+images&aq=f&oq=

‘Beatitudes for parents’

“Children are a gift from the Lord; they are a reward from him.
Children born to a young man are like sharp arrows in a warrior’s hand.”
Psalm 127: 3 & 4

This was the daily devotion from my copy of The Word for Today Caribbean Edition, for Friday July 10, 2009. This actually caused me to think more objectively about parenting, as I found these so interesting and right-on, so I am sharing them with you all, especially those of you who are parents.

I know my blog is about infertility support, but as you can see, because I am also a parent, a new one too, who is open to learning something new every day, in an effort to becoming the best parent I can be. As a result of this, some of my posts will shift a bit to parenting, as you have already seen of some earlier posts.

“The following ‘Beatitudes for Parents’ were written 45 years ago by Marion E. Kinnerman, when her daughters were raising her six grandsons. They’re still spot-on!

‘Children…….learn……from their parents.’ Ephesians 4:1 TM

Blessed are those who make peace with spilled milk and mud, for of such is the kingdom of childhood

Blessed is the parent who engages not in the comparison of his child with others for precious unto each is the rhythm of his own growth.

Blessed are those who have learnt to laugh, for it’s the music of a child’s world.

Blessed and mature are those who without anger can say ‘No,’ for comforting to a child is the security of firm decisions.

Blessed is the gift of consistency, for it brings heart’s-ease in childhood

Blessed are they who accept the awkwardness of growth, for they are aware of the choice between marred furnishings and damaged personalities.

Blessed are the teachable, for knowledge brings understanding and understanding brings love.

Blessed are the men and women who in the midst of the unpromising mundane, give love, for they bestow the greatest of all gifts to each other, to their children and, in an ever-widening circle, to their fellowman.’

One successful entrepreneur said, ‘I may be a self-made man, but the blueprints came from my mom and dad.’ Bottom line” ‘Children…..learn……from their parents.’ What are you teaching yours?”

Profound isn’t it. I like the last ‘Beatitude’ a lot, simply because what is man without love and despite our accomplishments, we have nothing if we are not able to give love.

As for the rest, well lets just say, my stereo system is broken, the bedside lamps, broken and we went from three television sets to just one, which has to be on a cartoon chanel and heaven help us if we should change it to watch something else. My mother-in-law got a taste of this too on our recent visit, as he broke some of her rather prized items in her house. She seemed to have recovered from this rather quickly, I would imagine it is because she waited for him to come about for so long that she cannot afford for material things to ruin it for her.

We were really upset at first and thought what a destructive child this is, when he broke so many things in the house, but thanks to these beatitudes, I can now just smile and say:

'Blessed are they who accept akwardness of growth, for they are aware of the choice between marred furnishings and damaged personalties.'

........and let the verses permanently displayed at the top of my blog pages, play over and over in my head.

Until next time, be inspired.

The gift – A parent’s love for a child

“Children are a gift from the Lord; they are a reward from him.
Children born to a young man are like sharp arrows in a warrior’s hand.”
Psalm 127: 3 & 4

Today this will be short and sweet.

Among the last words that Farrah Faucet wrote to her son Redmond, was thanks for giving me the gift of the love for a child. She was writing to her son who is in jail for charges relating to drugs and the fact that she can say this without any reservation is a testament to how forgiving, how pure, how powerful yet simple, a parent’s love for their children can be. I must say, those words went straight to my heart and my soul. What made those words even more impacting on me is that I can now say that I know fully well this love that she is talking about and I am very grateful that I have been given this great gift. When you are afforded the privilidge of having a child, this is indeed a great gift and one that should never be taken for granted. Notice the verse above that is permanently affixed to all my posts, a child is a gift from God.......Psalms 127 verses 3 & 4, well this is indeed so.

Michael Jackson, yes, I know his story has been playing out so much in the media and you are probabably saying, please, please nothing else about Michael Jackson. I will be saying something positive about the man, so bare with me. He certainly lived a strange and difficult life and had terrible things happened and said about him in life and now has even more terrible things being said about him in death. Amidst that all however, I saw a father who loved his three children, whether they be biologically his or not. I saw one video with him and his children one Christmas, opening gifts and taking pictures. I saw another of him feeding the youngest a bottle and yet another with his kids out in public and trying to protect them from the media. If I can use these images to judge that he has every bit of a father that he should be to these children, then I will. His actions were certainly those of a normal father I must say, nothing abnormal there. The only abnormality I saw was when he dangled his youngest child out of a hotel window to the paparazzi. That surely was poor judgement and could have ended differently. For someone who did not have a childhood and spoke of how is father abused him as a child, he has surely made up for that with being a good and normal father to his children. Michael surely experienced this gift that I am talking about, the gift of a parent’s love for their children and I am sure if, like Farrah, he knew that he was going to die, he probably would have written them the same letter. He is gone, too soon of course, but I am sure he is a better man because he is gone knowing this love, the love of a parent for their children.

It is certainly not fair for anyone who wants to have children to be deprived of experiencing this love due to infertility or other reasons. As one who thought I would never have experienced it, let me say I am in your corner, and you know that fully well by now. I know the pain all too well and let me say further that fostering or adoption can fill that void. I can imagine it might not be the same as loving a biological child but it should be able to fill that emptiness.

In the mean time though, keep clinging to hope.