GRATEFUL WEDNESDAYS – On Self Acceptance

Today, I am grateful for self acceptance

We are our greatest critics, we try in every way possible to be perfect. Well, news flash, we are not created perfect, ask God, he says we are created imperfect beings. Why then do we cause ourselves unnecessary anxieties and stress, trying to be something that is humanly impossible.

Those of us who know me enough, know that I am far from perfect, I stutter and those who know me more intimately know that this is something I struggle with. A normal day for someone else, see me struggling just to co-op with what some of us find it so easy to do, talk.

As someone who stammers, I carry scars from childhood. From being called names, to being laughed at and ridiculed and not being validated by my family (who I don’t blame one bit, because they did not know better, as they did not possess the tools necessary to deal with a family member that stammers). I remember deciding that I would not talk at all and you know what, I did stop talking for a while, as it made me tired, tired and helpless and I hated feeling that way.

I suffered great injustice in adulthood because of my stammer, some a result of just trying to make a living and so I tried hard to be someone I knew I wasn’t, a fluent person and caused myself a whole lot of anxiety and pain. The thing is, I knew the result would just be more pain and heartache for me and thought many times that it could only be easier to just accept myself for who I am. This I tried numerous times but it proved futile. I became angry with myself, that it drove me into developing a hobby in writing which I am working on to make it a career, because I find I am loving it.

I remember being extremely afraid to attend social gatherings because I just could not carry a conversation and so I would find every excuse to not attend these functions. Not to mention that my self-worth took a hard blow as I found myself struggling with stammering and dealing with the pangs of infertility. 

In 1993, I tried therapy because I shuddered at the thought of stammering on my vows. Therapy worked, at least for my wedding, as I only had a minor block on the word ‘impediment’  in the part ( ......”that I know not of any lawful impediment.......”) - how coincidental.  After this therapy, however, I had major regression, as I was so certain this would have worked. The thing is, I largely think, to this day, that therapy had only dealt with what could be fixed physically about my stammering, the embarrassment and shame was not fixed.

I am here to say today, that I will no longer be allowing my stammer to define me, Its not too late, is it? I am Annetta, do you know her, yes, the same one who stammers and you know what, I am fine with that, shame and embarrassment, you are on notice for eviction because I know this will still be a journey, as from time to time I will suffer setbacks.  Most importantly, I have been getting by and will continue to, now more than ever, because I have finally grasped what it means to truly accept myself for who I am.

After all, I have to do this now, because I have to be imparting to my son who stammers as well, the necessary life skills he needs to cope in an unforgiving world. Skills that I garnered from my tears, mistakes, anxieties and heartaches, on a long, winding and lonely road that persons with certain life struggles find themselves on.

I am grateful then for self acceptance.

‘MOMZILLA’

“Children are a gift from the Lord; they are a reward from him.
Children born to a young man are like sharp arrows in a warrior’s hand.”
Psalm 127: 3 & 4

It is amazing to see how quickly a parent turns into extreme defensive and protective mode when they realize that their safety and most all, the safety of their child is compromised.

I turned into ‘MOMZILLA’ yesterday because my safety and that of my precious child was threatened.

We had just had breakfast and my son was lying beside me on the bed watching cartoons. I began dozing off because I had awoken about 4:00 a.m. in the morning and was chatting with my husband. He went back to sleep but I could not and so by this time, I was a bit sleepy. I heard this loud bang that jolted me out of my nap. At first, I thought it was just neighborhood noise as sometimes there would be construction going on and you would hear sounds of this nature. I heard it again and this time just thought it sounded odd, so I got up to check. It seem to have frightened my son as well. On my way to check this sound out, I heard it again and was in time to see a middle aged man stooping at my back door and trying to break it off. I did not know I could shout so loudly and ferociously at someone. Upon hearing my shout, he staggered back at first as if not sure what to do and when he saw that I was persistent, he took off like our golden boy Usain Bolt over the back wall. It is amazing how he did not cut himself because there are razor wires on the wall.

I was terrified, I called my husband and he called the police. He also told me he was coming home at once. I wanted so much to tell him I was alright but was also relieved because I was not sure at that point if I could have made it through the rest of the day. The police came promptly and I gave them a statement. I was surprised how calm and fluent I was, because as one who stutters, situations like these causes me to stutter even more. I was so proud of myself, I had things under control, I was doing my duty of mom well.

Last night I tossed and turned thinking of ways I should have sneeked upon this man and hurt him real bad. I also could not get the picture of him stooping at my back door and trying to yank it off out of my head. I am not sure what his motives were, was it robbery, or did he have plans to rape after observing that I was alone with a young child. I have been driving myself crazy thinking these thoughts since yesterday. The other thing I was thinking was, I did get a good look at him that I could have described him to the police and I suspect he knows that as well. What if he came back today to eliminate me because of this as this is what these criminals to these days, if you happen to get a good look at them, they eliminate you because now you are a witness.

Today was hard, because with the above playing over and over in my head, I kept checking my surroundings and checking every sound I heard that by the end of the day, I was so tired and fatigued.

The thing is though, after being terrified initially, this sense of calm came over me. I was not falling to pieces. I was more angry than scared. How could this man think it necessary to disrupt my family in this way. I felt if I had the chance, I would really have hurt him as that is just how angry I have been since. I was happy I was able to maintain a certain degree of composure that I could have given the police a fluent and accurate statement and I think it is my motherly instincts, that was in play. Probably if I did not have my son with me, I would have lost it, but I knew I had to protect myself and most of all, him, (after all, he took so long to come to us because of infertility) and so I know I could not fall to pieces and still protect him. Animals do this as well, they protect their young. I have seen this while growing up in our family home, our cat would not let any of us come near her kittens and neither the dog with her puppies nor the hens with her baby chicks and so it is with humans, especially mothers.

Thank goodness though, the house is very secure and I do not think there was any way he would have made it inside, but you never can tell, you just have to rely on the Almighty to continue to keep us all safe from these vagabonds that prey. I will also be drawing on my earthly security team, my machette, a lighter and my mace, because should he come back, I want to be prepared for him.

The good that came out of this is that this man has singlehandedly given something to blog about and we are now aware that we cannot get too laxed, where making sure that we are safe in our homes on a daily basis, is concerned.

Help us thank God we are alright and until next time be safe.

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