DEALING WITH PREGNANT FRIENDS WHILE STRUGGLING WITH INFERTILITY

Children are a gift from the Lord; they are a reward from him.
Children born to a young man are like sharp arrows in a warrior’s hand
Psalm 127: 3 & 4

"HOPE MAKES ALL THE DIFFERENCE"

For anyone dealing with infertility, it is certain that at some point or another through out your struggle, you will have to deal pregnant friends.

In an earlier post, I spoke about how dealing with babies was one of my greatest difficulty while struggling with infertility. Well, dealing with pregnant friends was right up there with dealing with babies for me.

I remember a very good friend of mine became pregnant and when I heard, I cried myself to sleep. Of course I was as happy as I could have been then, for her, but I was also devastated because I was married a couple of years before her and as the time came that I expected her to start her family, I started picturing both of us being pregnant and our children growing up together.

I remember beginning to feel afraid and helpless, as I began thinking that our relationship would surely be affected by this, because we were very close and saw each other a lot and the sight of her from there on, would be a constant reminder of what I wanted so much, to become pregnant, to be a mother.

While she was going through her early pregnancy symptoms, I remember her visiting and later said to me, “Marie, I feel so sick, you would never understand.” I do not know why I was so upset to hear her say this, and I knew she did not mean to upset me in any way, but I was, and immediately snapped back at her in my mind, “of course I do not understand, I have never been pregnant, don't rub it in girl.”

As her pregnancy progressed, I noticed that our relationship became more and more strained, so much so that when she had her baby, I did not hear from her or her family, I heard by the way. I wanted to feel sad about this, but I could not because this was really my fault, I had pulled away from my friend because I could not deal with her pregnancy. I went to visit her in the hospital, even though I was feeling ashamed and guilty and vowed that I would make up for the time our friendship had lost.

I was later named one of the godparents for her child and I remember declining at first, because I thought I did not deserve it.

When I became pregnant in 2005, another of my good friends became pregnant as well. I was really excited because now I finally had a friend to share this wonderful journey with. I was due June 2006 and she was due July 2006.

Sadly I lost mine and she went on to have hers. She visited me several times before she gave birth and this was difficult for me to say the least, because as you can well imagine she now became a constant reminder of my horrible loss. I was thrown a shower before I knew I would have lost my pregnancy and I reluctantly share some of the gifts I had received with her. I remember when she left with the things, I cried, because I felt I was taking something away from the memory of my pregnancy, from the memory of my daughter, and it was just still too fresh.

I remember telling her when she was about to go into the hospital to have her baby, that I did not think I could deal with visiting a maternity ward when I had just lost my baby. She was very understanding, but I could still see the disappointment in her face. Then the call came that she had the baby, but the baby was immediately taken to the nursery without her seeing him. She also told me that she was bleeding profusely and they were not able to stop it. I remember beginning to cry and started thinking, wow, I cannot lose my friend, I cannot go through another loss, no, not so soon. I was also very concerned for her baby because I know that when they take your baby so suddenly without you seeing them first, something is wrong.

Before I knew it, I was at the hospital and at that time I was not at all concerned with my own discomfort and grief, my friend needed me and I had to be there.

They soon were able to control her bleeding and we later learnt that the baby was born with some breathing and brain problems. He had to spend some time in the hospital but he is three years old now and doing just fine, being any typical boy of his age.

This was when I believe my healing from the loss of my baby actually took a turn for the better, because here I was reaching out to someone, (who was in jeopardy of losing everything, her life and her child), and this instantly caused my own pain to become pale in comparison.

I know many of you would do this for your friend as well, so even though you might be having difficulties dealing with their pregnancies, be encouraged because if your friends should ever need you at anytime throughout their pregnancy, you will be there for them without even thinking about your own misery.

Below is a link with recommendations, which I think could help you deal with pregnant friends as you struggle with infertility. Read and be encouraged and until next time, keep clinging to hope.

http://ldsinfertility.blogspot.com/2010/01/how-to-cope-with-pregnant-friends.html