WHY AM I AN ONLY CHILD??????

We had more or less settled on the idea that we would not be trying to have anymore children, when we unexpectedly became pregnant. Our son was about 20 months old and my husband and I, after the initial shock had worn of, began embracing the idea of having another child around. We lost the pregnancy almost as soon as we found out we were expecting, to a missed abortion.

We continued however, to embrace the idea of having another child and took our doctors advice seriously, to change my diet, because my PCOS condition, which seemed to have intensified after the birth of my son, was the cause of us losing this pregnancy. I took the liberty of going on some fertility herbs, not by any means forgetting that it was as a result of a course of treatment from a herbalist that we were  proud parents of our son.

After being on this course of treatment for a while, we began trying to conceive. I could not shake the feeling though that maybe, God just had one child in his plan for us and even more so, many times throughout my infertility struggles, I had prayed that he just be merciful to us and give us, if only just one.

When we failed to become pregnant for while, I became even more convinced that we would only be parents of just one child. We sold all the baby gear we had purchased for our son, not only for this reason, but because we were moving from a house to an apartment and we needed the space in his room to set up for his growing years. I remember the lady who purchased his crib said to me, so you are not planning on having any more? A question I struggled to answer, but still convinced we were doing the right thing.

After we settled into our new space, I became overcome with guilt. What right do we have to deny our son the chance of having a sibling? What right to we have to think we know the mind of God? What if he is not yet finished with us, but just want our testimony to be fuller and richer.  The yearning for another child intensified and I had no choice but to give in.

Just last night, we were in the supermarket where we met a young man and woman  (not sure if they were a married couple) and a sweet 10 month old baby girl. We began chit chatting about everything from the age of our babies, to weaning. My husband, in trying to make a point, said to them, if another one comes…….The young lady responded immediately “if…..no if.’’ Thinking that she was probably saying, no if, we definitely want more, I decided to help her along and said, “not if, but when.” She looked at me with a smile on her face that seems to be saying, we are pretty sure, then quickly pointed to the young man and said, “we spoke about it and we have decided on no more.

When we got home, remembering my struggle in this regard, said to my husband. What is with this couple? Unless it is for monetary or health reasons (for us, we had both these reasons to contend with), what other right do they have to deny their daughter the chance of having a sibling. Let’s say that it is because she was traumatized by child birth (I know of one such case). From experience, Child-birth pain and trauma pales as your body heals and so, for me,  this is hardly an accepted excuse.

In my view, I believe any child with siblings around, makes them more rounded, with fuller lives, thus making them better placed adults and we have little right to deny them that.

What are your views?

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SO, WHEN DO YOU BREAK THE NEWS ABOUT YOUR PREGNANCY????

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Women are known to be at highest risk of miscarrying up to the first twelve weeks of their pregnancies and as a result of this, many women wait to break the news until they have crossed this timeline.

For women who are struggling with infertility and finally find themselves pregnant, it can be very difficult to hold on to this news for twelve weeks. From experience, you want to shout it from the roof top. You want to tell everyone you meet about this great thing that you have waited for so long, to have happen in your life.

When I first became pregnant, which sadly I lost to a missed abortion, I was so elated, I began telling everyone as soon as I received the positive home pregnancy test. I learned all too soon that this was a terrible mistake because when I lost my pregnancy shortly thereafter, I was not only dealing with pain from this loss, I was dealing with the fact that I had to tell all who I had told, that I had miscarried. Not a pleasant thing to have had to do.

For the pregnancy with my son, having learned so well from my previous experience, I waited until I was four months into my pregnancy before I broke the news.  This was hard and I must confess that I did tell a few persons who were very close to me and knew of my infertility struggles, but I did manage  to hold on to this news, until it was safe to tell all others.

It is therefore recommended that time be allowed to get pass the twelve week  mark in a pregnancy, before you break the news. I know for people struggling with infertility, understandably, that this will be difficult to do, because you want to tell everyone your good news almost immediately. Do bear in mind though, that miscarriages are very high among persons dealing with infertility and so, if nothing else, this should encourage you to wait, before making your announcements. 

IS THE DECISION UP TO US, REALLY?

Children are a gift from the Lord; they are a reward from him.

Children born to a young man are like sharp arrows in a warrior’s hand

Psalm 127: 3 & 4

“HOPE MAKES ALL THE DIFFERENCE”

I always knew I wanted more than just one child, but my struggles with infertility, saw me bargaining with God, telling him that if he just give me one, I would be pretty fine with that and would adopt another, as a thank you to him, for answering my prayers.


After I had my son, I was convinced that I was quite fine with just him, and more so, given the fact that I was so nervous and anxious with this pregnancy, I really did not want to have to experience this amount of anxiety and nervousness again, because it truly wore me out. We were then totally convinced that we would do adoption, to give him company.

Then I became pregnant unexpectedly last January, but found I had experienced a missed abortion early in the pregnancy. I was sure now, that I did not want to go down this road again, the miscarriages, the anxieties, the unknown and so my husband and I decided that this would be it and we started thinking of beginning adoption proceedings. Soon I began wondering, we have banked on this adoption thing, but what if it is not as easy as the brochure makes it out to be? Thankfully, not long afterwards, we began hearing stories of persons who had difficulties adopting and these are persons who we believe would be easy to be approved to adopt a child, given their status, and realized that we, without a doubt would be sure to experience even more difficulties in this regard.

Before long I realized that I was grieving for the pregnancy I had just lost, and wishing I had carried it, if for the only reason that my son would be sure of a sibling to grow up with, as I am one who does not believe that a child should grow up alone, if it can be prevented, and having seen how difficult it is for only children, not to mention the questions and conversations that the parents have to deal with, it began haunting me that my family might be subjected to this as well, given our plans. We immediately began rethinking our decision.

Then came the feeling of guilt, how could we have banked on adoption and made the decision not to have any more children, without thinking about the pros and cons and not thinking enough, about the needs of our son, How would we handle the questions when he starts asking them, ‘how comes I do not have a brother or a sister?’ Further, how would we feel when he draws his first picture of his family in kindergarten and realized that his picture has only three persons and those of his classmates have more and he is demanding answers from us. I personally would feel very guilty and feel that we have betrayed him, because life is just too difficult as it is, for a child not to have a sibling to grow up with, someone to lean on as they chart their course through life, someone to be themselves with, someone to share little secrets with, someone who they can count on to be there for them.

It is with this in mind that we are working closely with our doctor to give our son the company he deserves, because is it up to us, really, to make the decision, not have any more children after having just one? This decision, I believe, would be up to us to make, if we were told that having another pregnancy would be detrimental to my health, or if financially we could not afford any more, even though, who is ever totally convinced up front, that they can afford a child, when they begin thinking of having them. My Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome (PCOS) and age is a factor for anxiety yes, but we live in an age where women with fertility issues are still getting pregnant and women who are forty and over are also becoming pregnant and having healthy babies, so why can’t I do it too.

If our efforts does not bring about the result we desire, then we would be satisfied that we did our part and it sure would be easier to explain to our son, when he starts asking questions. I have already come up with a response if that time should come, and it goes, well son, we tried to give you company, but you are so special that God wants us to have just you.

We are forever grateful to God for our son, but we really believe he needs a sibling and we are still thinking of adopting, but much later down the road.

If there are anyone currently caught in this situation, I hope this post will be encouraging to you.

Be blessed, and until next time, keep clinging to hope.

My Infertility Story – Dealing with miscarriages

This is, as you can well imagine, the most difficult part of my story to tell and I know I will be tearing up as I will have to relive the devastation and sadness to relate it to you. I am alright with that though, because as long as my story helps even one person, then it would be well worth it.
With that said, when I was diagnosed with infertility, I did not know that I would have had to deal with miscarriages as well, and in all honesty, I was not expecting to deal with any. It was while recently reading up on my diagnosis (Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome, as I still do so), I am finding out that there seems to be a higher rate of miscarriage among women with this diagnosis. Not that it would have made much of a difference had I known this before, as you cannot be really prepared for tragedies such as miscarriages, but I would have known to at least expect them.
As a result of this when I had my first miscarriage, I was totally devastated. I longed for the day when I would receive a positive pregnancy test and often wondered if I was so unlucky that the tests I bought were defective. This was seven years into my struggle and numerous occasions that I had tested. The manufacturers of pregnancy test must have seen a dramatic increase in their profits over this period, because of me. I was overjoyed, to say the least, when I received my first positive pregnancy result. I thought I was dreaming as my husband and I stood over the test and stared at it. It felt like Christmas. We hugged and I did not know if I was to laugh or cry. One thing I knew though, I wanted to climb on my roof top and declare to the world that we were finally pregnant. It was such a surreal experience. I remember calling up our family right away and telling them the good news, which I learnt very soon after, was really not the right thing to do. I also began planning my pregnancy wardrobe, the nursery, I was totally in ‘pregnancy zone.’
The next day I called my doctor, made an appointment and went in to see him. He confirmed the pregnancy and told me to come back for an ultrasound as it was too early to do one. I went back and my doctor did the ultrasound. He found the sac for the pregnancy, but sadly there was no fetus to be found. I really could not believe what was happening. How can there be no fetus, where else could it be, I thought. He seemed quite perturbed himself and decided he would comfort me by saying, "well you are indeed pregnant as the sac is there." Whatever does he mean, I thought, I don’t want to only know that the sac is there, I want to know that our baby is there as well.
I was diagnosed with a ‘missed abortion’ which is the term given to a pregnancy where no fetus is found. We were totally devastated. I cannot forget the look on my husband’s face, he was so distraught. He just stood gazing in space. I felt so helpless and sorry for him. Then it was time to break the news to our family. My mother-in-law would be the hardest one to break the news to, as she was ecstatic when we told her we were pregnant. When we did, I could sense the sadness in her. The whole feeling of guilt began welling up in me again that I lost touch of how I was feeling and began feeling that I had betrayed my mother-in-law, having lost the grandchild she had longed for, for so long.
I just could not function after that and had to ask my doctor for some sick leave. I stayed in bed and cried for most of the time, only coming out to study for an in-house exam, which surprisingly I passed. I could not believe it.
We managed to pick up the pieces and move on with our lives, ofcourse not giving up on our dream to have children. Shortly afterwards, I began feeling pregnancy symptoms. We did a test and sure enough it was positive again, I felt as if we had hit the jackpot, luck was on our side. I was in 'pregnancy zone' again and on an emotional high, only to quickly hit another low, when our doctor attempted to confirm the pregnancy and found out it was a ‘false positive’ one. We were not pregnant. He explained that my hormones were out of balance and that was what tricked my body into acting as if I was pregnant.
We were again devastated. I felt as if someone was playing a cruel joke on us and I was not amused. What did we ever do to deserve this, I thought.

We were only halfway into our experience with miscarriages, with the worst still to come.

More in next post, you cannot afford to miss it, or you’ll be missing out.