This is, as you can well imagine, the most difficult part of my story to tell and I know I will be tearing up as I will have to relive the devastation and sadness to relate it to you. I am alright with that though, because as long as my story helps even one person, then it would be well worth it.
With that said, when I was diagnosed with infertility, I did not know that I would have had to deal with miscarriages as well, and in all honesty, I was not expecting to deal with any. It was while recently reading up on my diagnosis (Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome, as I still do so), I am finding out that there seems to be a higher rate of miscarriage among women with this diagnosis. Not that it would have made much of a difference had I known this before, as you cannot be really prepared for tragedies such as miscarriages, but I would have known to at least expect them.
As a result of this when I had my first miscarriage, I was totally devastated. I longed for the day when I would receive a positive pregnancy test and often wondered if I was so unlucky that the tests I bought were defective. This was seven years into my struggle and numerous occasions that I had tested. The manufacturers of pregnancy test must have seen a dramatic increase in their profits over this period, because of me. I was overjoyed, to say the least, when I received my first positive pregnancy result. I thought I was dreaming as my husband and I stood over the test and stared at it. It felt like Christmas. We hugged and I did not know if I was to laugh or cry. One thing I knew though, I wanted to climb on my roof top and declare to the world that we were finally pregnant. It was such a surreal experience. I remember calling up our family right away and telling them the good news, which I learnt very soon after, was really not the right thing to do. I also began planning my pregnancy wardrobe, the nursery, I was totally in ‘pregnancy zone.’
The next day I called my doctor, made an appointment and went in to see him. He confirmed the pregnancy and told me to come back for an ultrasound as it was too early to do one. I went back and my doctor did the ultrasound. He found the sac for the pregnancy, but sadly there was no fetus to be found. I really could not believe what was happening. How can there be no fetus, where else could it be, I thought. He seemed quite perturbed himself and decided he would comfort me by saying, "well you are indeed pregnant as the sac is there." Whatever does he mean, I thought, I don’t want to only know that the sac is there, I want to know that our baby is there as well.
I was diagnosed with a ‘missed abortion’ which is the term given to a pregnancy where no fetus is found. We were totally devastated. I cannot forget the look on my husband’s face, he was so distraught. He just stood gazing in space. I felt so helpless and sorry for him. Then it was time to break the news to our family. My mother-in-law would be the hardest one to break the news to, as she was ecstatic when we told her we were pregnant. When we did, I could sense the sadness in her. The whole feeling of guilt began welling up in me again that I lost touch of how I was feeling and began feeling that I had betrayed my mother-in-law, having lost the grandchild she had longed for, for so long.
I just could not function after that and had to ask my doctor for some sick leave. I stayed in bed and cried for most of the time, only coming out to study for an in-house exam, which surprisingly I passed. I could not believe it.
We managed to pick up the pieces and move on with our lives, ofcourse not giving up on our dream to have children. Shortly afterwards, I began feeling pregnancy symptoms. We did a test and sure enough it was positive again, I felt as if we had hit the jackpot, luck was on our side. I was in 'pregnancy zone' again and on an emotional high, only to quickly hit another low, when our doctor attempted to confirm the pregnancy and found out it was a ‘false positive’ one. We were not pregnant. He explained that my hormones were out of balance and that was what tricked my body into acting as if I was pregnant.
We were again devastated. I felt as if someone was playing a cruel joke on us and I was not amused. What did we ever do to deserve this, I thought.
With that said, when I was diagnosed with infertility, I did not know that I would have had to deal with miscarriages as well, and in all honesty, I was not expecting to deal with any. It was while recently reading up on my diagnosis (Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome, as I still do so), I am finding out that there seems to be a higher rate of miscarriage among women with this diagnosis. Not that it would have made much of a difference had I known this before, as you cannot be really prepared for tragedies such as miscarriages, but I would have known to at least expect them.
As a result of this when I had my first miscarriage, I was totally devastated. I longed for the day when I would receive a positive pregnancy test and often wondered if I was so unlucky that the tests I bought were defective. This was seven years into my struggle and numerous occasions that I had tested. The manufacturers of pregnancy test must have seen a dramatic increase in their profits over this period, because of me. I was overjoyed, to say the least, when I received my first positive pregnancy result. I thought I was dreaming as my husband and I stood over the test and stared at it. It felt like Christmas. We hugged and I did not know if I was to laugh or cry. One thing I knew though, I wanted to climb on my roof top and declare to the world that we were finally pregnant. It was such a surreal experience. I remember calling up our family right away and telling them the good news, which I learnt very soon after, was really not the right thing to do. I also began planning my pregnancy wardrobe, the nursery, I was totally in ‘pregnancy zone.’
The next day I called my doctor, made an appointment and went in to see him. He confirmed the pregnancy and told me to come back for an ultrasound as it was too early to do one. I went back and my doctor did the ultrasound. He found the sac for the pregnancy, but sadly there was no fetus to be found. I really could not believe what was happening. How can there be no fetus, where else could it be, I thought. He seemed quite perturbed himself and decided he would comfort me by saying, "well you are indeed pregnant as the sac is there." Whatever does he mean, I thought, I don’t want to only know that the sac is there, I want to know that our baby is there as well.
I was diagnosed with a ‘missed abortion’ which is the term given to a pregnancy where no fetus is found. We were totally devastated. I cannot forget the look on my husband’s face, he was so distraught. He just stood gazing in space. I felt so helpless and sorry for him. Then it was time to break the news to our family. My mother-in-law would be the hardest one to break the news to, as she was ecstatic when we told her we were pregnant. When we did, I could sense the sadness in her. The whole feeling of guilt began welling up in me again that I lost touch of how I was feeling and began feeling that I had betrayed my mother-in-law, having lost the grandchild she had longed for, for so long.
I just could not function after that and had to ask my doctor for some sick leave. I stayed in bed and cried for most of the time, only coming out to study for an in-house exam, which surprisingly I passed. I could not believe it.
We managed to pick up the pieces and move on with our lives, ofcourse not giving up on our dream to have children. Shortly afterwards, I began feeling pregnancy symptoms. We did a test and sure enough it was positive again, I felt as if we had hit the jackpot, luck was on our side. I was in 'pregnancy zone' again and on an emotional high, only to quickly hit another low, when our doctor attempted to confirm the pregnancy and found out it was a ‘false positive’ one. We were not pregnant. He explained that my hormones were out of balance and that was what tricked my body into acting as if I was pregnant.
We were again devastated. I felt as if someone was playing a cruel joke on us and I was not amused. What did we ever do to deserve this, I thought.
We were only halfway into our experience with miscarriages, with the worst still to come.
More in next post, you cannot afford to miss it, or you’ll be missing out.
More in next post, you cannot afford to miss it, or you’ll be missing out.
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