“I was admitted to the hospital the next day and things got worse the day after I had given birth to our daughter, as there was this terrible feeling of emptiness that made me cry and could not stop. I never cried so much in my entire life.”
On my way home from the hospital, I began to do a mental survey of my medicine cabinet to see what kind of prescriptions drugs I had that I could just take and end this all. I did not feel like I could go on living, at least not without my daughter.
When I got home, I began feeling the real impact. Everything there reminded me of my pregnancy and I did not want to be there, but I did not want to leave either because this would mean me that I am moving on without my daughter, and I was not ready to do that, not just yet. It was still too fresh. My sister asked that she took the shower items I had as well, but I said no as I did not want to let go off them. I felt like having them there would give me the comfort that my daughter was still with me.
I began revisiting the prescription drug idea and became scared. What will happen when my husband return to work tomorrow, I thought. I did not trust myself at all to be left alone in this condition and so I quickly told him that I did not want to be home alone. He made plans for me to stay at my sister’s house for the rest of the week, where there was a housekeeper, which meant I would not be alone. I was relieved. The idea of suicide seemed oh so great but somehow I knew I did not want to go just yet as I believe there was still some purpose for my life and I know too that, should I make it through this, I would have a great story to use and encourage others.
I cried that whole week I was at my sister’s. I was so angry with God and felt so betrayed by him that I did not want to have any connection with him at all. How could it be said in Psalms 127 verse 3 that "children are a gift from God, they are a real blessing" and my blessing be taken away in such a cruel way. Bottomline, how can you give someone something and take it back, especially people like us who have been trying to start a family for now over a decade. I did not pray for days as I just did not want to be even in his presence. You know how you feel when someone you love hurt you, you are so upset with them that you prefer not to have any interaction with them at all for a while. That was how I felt.
A friend lent me a book by Dr. James Dobson, of ‘Focus on the Family’, entitled, 'When God does not make sense,' which I began reading from the day after giving birth at the hospital. In essence what this book is saying is that we have no control over what happens to us in our lives and it is not that we are targeted to go through certain challenges either. That is just how life is, and the sooner we understand this, the sooner we stop feeling betrayed by God when certain things befall us. I hate to say it, because I was so angry at God, but somehow this made sense to me and as I continued to read the book, (with no interruption from the outside world, as my husband had turned off my phone, for fear of any calls making me more upset), it began making even more sense. I then realized that I was not as angry with God anymore and I was not crying as much either. I began to slowly trust his heart again, even though I still could not trace his hand. I was able to put things into perspective that by the end of the week I was feeling so much better.
I did not stop crying or being sad after that week at my sister’s, as grief is indeed a process, but I was able to pick up the pieces and move on (slowly of course), but with each slow step, came a little faster one, until I was able to move on with my life in a normal way. Being mindful of course that I will face the same challenges, seeing pregnant women, children and it will be harder this time for me as I would be thinking how close I came to realizing my dream, so close, yet so far away. The expected date for the birth of our daughter was so hard for me as there was this strong smell of baby in the entire house. I could not take it, I cried for my baby until I fell asleep. I woke up the next day feel much better and something deep down told me that my triumph over infertility was sooner than I think.
A few months afterwards, I began feeling pregnancy symptoms and so I tested, the first test was not clear and so I retested, this time it was clear. I was pregnant again. I was excited for the mere fact that it is said that once you become pregnant it is easy to get pregnant again and also because deep down I felt that our breakthrough was near and so I wanted to believe very much that this pregnancy was for sure. I called my doctor the next day and went in to see him. He proceeded to confirm the pregnancy and found that the test was reading negative, shortly after that it was transformed to positive. We sat there and just stared at each other. I was totally confused and he seemed the same too. He did a scan just to see what was happening and sadly there was nothing there to indicate any pregnancy. I was even more disappointed and confused as I wanted to believe that the pregnancy tests were faulty and I was pregnant indeed. After a blood test, it was discovered that my hormones were again out of balance. I did not want to hear that again as I had been there and done that, but it was what it was.
When we got home that evening my husband and I just threw ourselves on the bed, exhausted from the events of the day and the past couple of months and feeling that our chance to have a family of our own was now totally eluding us. This was indeed a set back in our psyche and the emotions inside of me felt all too familiar. Sure enough I was grieving again for a baby I could have had, as a positive pregnancy result to me meant that I was close to overcoming infertility thus realizing my dreams of becoming a mom.
There was, thankfully, much needed distraction from this, as my husband had secured a job in another country in our region and our plans to migrate there was in high gear and so we threw ourselves into this even more, looking forward to distancing ourselves from this chaos and pain and continuing our lives where no one knows our story. I was so looking forward to that.
Two months after relocating, we realized we were pregnant and would go on to giving birth to our miracle baby, thus signaling our triumph over approximately a decade’s struggle with infertility.
To my readers who find themselves currently dealing with miscarriages, in my next post, I will attempt to give you tips on how you can pick up the pieces after these painful experiences and move on. Don’t miss it.
On my way home from the hospital, I began to do a mental survey of my medicine cabinet to see what kind of prescriptions drugs I had that I could just take and end this all. I did not feel like I could go on living, at least not without my daughter.
When I got home, I began feeling the real impact. Everything there reminded me of my pregnancy and I did not want to be there, but I did not want to leave either because this would mean me that I am moving on without my daughter, and I was not ready to do that, not just yet. It was still too fresh. My sister asked that she took the shower items I had as well, but I said no as I did not want to let go off them. I felt like having them there would give me the comfort that my daughter was still with me.
I began revisiting the prescription drug idea and became scared. What will happen when my husband return to work tomorrow, I thought. I did not trust myself at all to be left alone in this condition and so I quickly told him that I did not want to be home alone. He made plans for me to stay at my sister’s house for the rest of the week, where there was a housekeeper, which meant I would not be alone. I was relieved. The idea of suicide seemed oh so great but somehow I knew I did not want to go just yet as I believe there was still some purpose for my life and I know too that, should I make it through this, I would have a great story to use and encourage others.
I cried that whole week I was at my sister’s. I was so angry with God and felt so betrayed by him that I did not want to have any connection with him at all. How could it be said in Psalms 127 verse 3 that "children are a gift from God, they are a real blessing" and my blessing be taken away in such a cruel way. Bottomline, how can you give someone something and take it back, especially people like us who have been trying to start a family for now over a decade. I did not pray for days as I just did not want to be even in his presence. You know how you feel when someone you love hurt you, you are so upset with them that you prefer not to have any interaction with them at all for a while. That was how I felt.
A friend lent me a book by Dr. James Dobson, of ‘Focus on the Family’, entitled, 'When God does not make sense,' which I began reading from the day after giving birth at the hospital. In essence what this book is saying is that we have no control over what happens to us in our lives and it is not that we are targeted to go through certain challenges either. That is just how life is, and the sooner we understand this, the sooner we stop feeling betrayed by God when certain things befall us. I hate to say it, because I was so angry at God, but somehow this made sense to me and as I continued to read the book, (with no interruption from the outside world, as my husband had turned off my phone, for fear of any calls making me more upset), it began making even more sense. I then realized that I was not as angry with God anymore and I was not crying as much either. I began to slowly trust his heart again, even though I still could not trace his hand. I was able to put things into perspective that by the end of the week I was feeling so much better.
I did not stop crying or being sad after that week at my sister’s, as grief is indeed a process, but I was able to pick up the pieces and move on (slowly of course), but with each slow step, came a little faster one, until I was able to move on with my life in a normal way. Being mindful of course that I will face the same challenges, seeing pregnant women, children and it will be harder this time for me as I would be thinking how close I came to realizing my dream, so close, yet so far away. The expected date for the birth of our daughter was so hard for me as there was this strong smell of baby in the entire house. I could not take it, I cried for my baby until I fell asleep. I woke up the next day feel much better and something deep down told me that my triumph over infertility was sooner than I think.
A few months afterwards, I began feeling pregnancy symptoms and so I tested, the first test was not clear and so I retested, this time it was clear. I was pregnant again. I was excited for the mere fact that it is said that once you become pregnant it is easy to get pregnant again and also because deep down I felt that our breakthrough was near and so I wanted to believe very much that this pregnancy was for sure. I called my doctor the next day and went in to see him. He proceeded to confirm the pregnancy and found that the test was reading negative, shortly after that it was transformed to positive. We sat there and just stared at each other. I was totally confused and he seemed the same too. He did a scan just to see what was happening and sadly there was nothing there to indicate any pregnancy. I was even more disappointed and confused as I wanted to believe that the pregnancy tests were faulty and I was pregnant indeed. After a blood test, it was discovered that my hormones were again out of balance. I did not want to hear that again as I had been there and done that, but it was what it was.
When we got home that evening my husband and I just threw ourselves on the bed, exhausted from the events of the day and the past couple of months and feeling that our chance to have a family of our own was now totally eluding us. This was indeed a set back in our psyche and the emotions inside of me felt all too familiar. Sure enough I was grieving again for a baby I could have had, as a positive pregnancy result to me meant that I was close to overcoming infertility thus realizing my dreams of becoming a mom.
There was, thankfully, much needed distraction from this, as my husband had secured a job in another country in our region and our plans to migrate there was in high gear and so we threw ourselves into this even more, looking forward to distancing ourselves from this chaos and pain and continuing our lives where no one knows our story. I was so looking forward to that.
Two months after relocating, we realized we were pregnant and would go on to giving birth to our miracle baby, thus signaling our triumph over approximately a decade’s struggle with infertility.
To my readers who find themselves currently dealing with miscarriages, in my next post, I will attempt to give you tips on how you can pick up the pieces after these painful experiences and move on. Don’t miss it.
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