"THIS TOO SHALL PASS......."

Children are a gift from the Lord; they are a reward from him.

Children born to a young man are like sharp arrows in a warrior’s hand

Psalm 127: 3 & 4

"HOPE MAKES ALL THE DIFFERENCE"

Are you dealing with grief of any kind at the moment, the loss of your fertility, the loss of a pregnancy that you have been praying for, for so long, the loss of a loved one, it could even be the loss of financial freedom, yes ,you could be grieving for so many things.

Grief is a process, and it starts first with shock and denial, I cannot believe this is happening to me, no, it just couldn’t. As the shock wears off, it is replaced with pain and guilt, this is a step you must allow yourself to experience, as hard as it may be, as it is very important or you will find that the process not only takes longer, but is also harder. (Have you ever met anyone who cannot seem to get pass their grief, be it many years since? Well, it could be that they have escaped dealing with the pain and guilt associated with their loss). Then comes anger, you are angry, sometimes it is with God, how could he allow this to happen to me? Then you move into depression and loneliness as you try to deal with the emptiness you are feeling as a result of your loss. (I remember when I was grieving the loss of my daughter, this was the hardest stage for me. This emptiness is really hard to put into words). Then comes the upward turn, you begin to adjust to life without that which you have lost and start making plans to move on. Then finally, there is acceptance, you suddenly realize that you are not the only one dealing with things of this nature, and have also come to terms with that fact that life is all about uncertainty and change.You realize too, that you are not grieving as much anymore, you are not all together happy, but life seem worth living again. It is often time, a long road to this point though, but what is important is that this process is taking place as you grieve, and no matter how long and hard, we all usually get to a place of acceptance and gradually peace.

Just allow me to join with the very decorated gospel singer, Yolanda Adams, to remind you, that this too shall pass. Even though it might seem now that you are trapped in this dark cave of grief, take heart, you will one day wake up and suddenly realize that you are seeing the light of day again.

This post is dedicated to a fellow blogger, who lost her long awaited pregnancy this week, at 8 weeks gestational age. I know only too well, the pain you and yours is in girl, but just so you know, you are in my prayers and God will see you through.

How can a parent bury their child

“Children are a gift from the Lord; they are a reward from him.
Children born to a young man are like sharp arrows in a warrior’s hand.”
Psalm 127: 3 & 4

My post was supposed to be very different today, but after watching the memorial service of Michael Jackson, I had to change it because I just cannot concentrate on anything else.

His memorial service was lovely. He is indeed Hollywood royalty and a pop icon, but from just watching this service you would not know if you did not know him. I saw humanness, I saw the genuine, pure, unselfish love of a mother, a father, siblings, children, gripped by grief at the loss of their loved one and I felt as if they were normal people like myself who I knew personally. My heart went out to Catherine, his mother.

What played over and over again in my mind was how the parents, especially the mother, might have been feeling. I am sure she did not think she would have had to bury a child and many parents still do not think they will bury their children, because in the normal sphere of life, this should never be. My son was sleeping beside me while those thoughts played over again in my head and I just thought to myself, no, I could never do it. I could never bury my child. Think in our case where because of infertility, it was such a struggle to have this precious child, how could we bury him? My miscarriage was hard on us, it is the loss of a child that we wanted so much but still that grief I am sure cannot measure up to the loss of a child who you nurture and care for to the point where they can now take care of themselves. The thing is, even though they are now adults, they will always remain your children in your eyes.

A family in my church, some years ago lost their eldest child rather tragically. This child was engaged to be married rather soon and I am sure the whole family was looking foward to this even with much joy. I am sure the parents were also looking forward to the grandchildren they would later embrace from this union . I remember the day of the funeral the parents, especially the mother was so overwhelmed with grief. Usually it is the mother that seem to feel the pain more and this could probably be because we gave birth to these children and felt all the pain associated with their birth. I remember I was the one in charge of the decoration for this funeral and decided to leave them up for church the next day, being Sunday. After church had ended, the mother came to me and asked why the decorations were still up. I felt so embarrassed and bad that I had not used good judgment and was adding to the pain that this family was in because I should have really taken down those decorations right after the funeral. I did not get over it for days.

Parents, as you clearly see, there is no guarantee that you will not bury your children, but God usually provides the additional strength that we need in situations such as this. We therefore have to draw on him in these times to carry us through. I know this family did it and they are doing much better now. I also know that you never get over these losses and so, I am sure that they still continue to lean on him for strength to continue living.

In closing, I want to challenge those of us who are blessed with children to give them all they need to become adults, who will have good judgment and be able to make sensible choices in respect of their lives, so that they will not have to turn to other things to take the place of what they come up lacking in their lives, as this, as you can see, can sadly lead to their untimely demise. Other things can take them out too, but let us not allow these things to be the way they go.

Those of you who continue to yearn for children, do not let opportunities like this pass you by, learn from them so that when you are blessed with your children you will know exactly how to bring them up so that they can survive in this world that can be so cruel to them. Remember, we have to do our part in......."healing the world, make it a better place..........heal the world we live in, save it for our children."




Until next time, keep clinging to hope.

My Infertility Story – Dealing with miscarriages cont'd.

“I was admitted to the hospital the next day and things got worse the day after I had given birth to our daughter, as there was this terrible feeling of emptiness that made me cry and could not stop. I never cried so much in my entire life.”

On my way home from the hospital, I began to do a mental survey of my medicine cabinet to see what kind of prescriptions drugs I had that I could just take and end this all. I did not feel like I could go on living, at least not without my daughter.
When I got home, I began feeling the real impact. Everything there reminded me of my pregnancy and I did not want to be there, but I did not want to leave either because this would mean me that I am moving on without my daughter, and I was not ready to do that, not just yet. It was still too fresh. My sister asked that she took the shower items I had as well, but I said no as I did not want to let go off them. I felt like having them there would give me the comfort that my daughter was still with me.
I began revisiting the prescription drug idea and became scared. What will happen when my husband return to work tomorrow, I thought. I did not trust myself at all to be left alone in this condition and so I quickly told him that I did not want to be home alone. He made plans for me to stay at my sister’s house for the rest of the week, where there was a housekeeper, which meant I would not be alone. I was relieved. The idea of suicide seemed oh so great but somehow I knew I did not want to go just yet as I believe there was still some purpose for my life and I know too that, should I make it through this, I would have a great story to use and encourage others.
I cried that whole week I was at my sister’s. I was so angry with God and felt so betrayed by him that I did not want to have any connection with him at all. How could it be said in Psalms 127 verse 3 that "children are a gift from God, they are a real blessing" and my blessing be taken away in such a cruel way. Bottomline, how can you give someone something and take it back, especially people like us who have been trying to start a family for now over a decade. I did not pray for days as I just did not want to be even in his presence. You know how you feel when someone you love hurt you, you are so upset with them that you prefer not to have any interaction with them at all for a while. That was how I felt.
A friend lent me a book by Dr. James Dobson, of ‘Focus on the Family’, entitled, 'When God does not make sense,' which I began reading from the day after giving birth at the hospital. In essence what this book is saying is that we have no control over what happens to us in our lives and it is not that we are targeted to go through certain challenges either. That is just how life is, and the sooner we understand this, the sooner we stop feeling betrayed by God when certain things befall us. I hate to say it, because I was so angry at God, but somehow this made sense to me and as I continued to read the book, (with no interruption from the outside world, as my husband had turned off my phone, for fear of any calls making me more upset), it began making even more sense. I then realized that I was not as angry with God anymore and I was not crying as much either. I began to slowly trust his heart again, even though I still could not trace his hand. I was able to put things into perspective that by the end of the week I was feeling so much better.
I did not stop crying or being sad after that week at my sister’s, as grief is indeed a process, but I was able to pick up the pieces and move on (slowly of course), but with each slow step, came a little faster one, until I was able to move on with my life in a normal way. Being mindful of course that I will face the same challenges, seeing pregnant women, children and it will be harder this time for me as I would be thinking how close I came to realizing my dream, so close, yet so far away. The expected date for the birth of our daughter was so hard for me as there was this strong smell of baby in the entire house. I could not take it, I cried for my baby until I fell asleep. I woke up the next day feel much better and something deep down told me that my triumph over infertility was sooner than I think.
A few months afterwards, I began feeling pregnancy symptoms and so I tested, the first test was not clear and so I retested, this time it was clear. I was pregnant again. I was excited for the mere fact that it is said that once you become pregnant it is easy to get pregnant again and also because deep down I felt that our breakthrough was near and so I wanted to believe very much that this pregnancy was for sure. I called my doctor the next day and went in to see him. He proceeded to confirm the pregnancy and found that the test was reading negative, shortly after that it was transformed to positive. We sat there and just stared at each other. I was totally confused and he seemed the same too. He did a scan just to see what was happening and sadly there was nothing there to indicate any pregnancy. I was even more disappointed and confused as I wanted to believe that the pregnancy tests were faulty and I was pregnant indeed. After a blood test, it was discovered that my hormones were again out of balance. I did not want to hear that again as I had been there and done that, but it was what it was.
When we got home that evening my husband and I just threw ourselves on the bed, exhausted from the events of the day and the past couple of months and feeling that our chance to have a family of our own was now totally eluding us. This was indeed a set back in our psyche and the emotions inside of me felt all too familiar. Sure enough I was grieving again for a baby I could have had, as a positive pregnancy result to me meant that I was close to overcoming infertility thus realizing my dreams of becoming a mom.
There was, thankfully, much needed distraction from this, as my husband had secured a job in another country in our region and our plans to migrate there was in high gear and so we threw ourselves into this even more, looking forward to distancing ourselves from this chaos and pain and continuing our lives where no one knows our story. I was so looking forward to that.
Two months after relocating, we realized we were pregnant and would go on to giving birth to our miracle baby, thus signaling our triumph over approximately a decade’s struggle with infertility.

To my readers who find themselves currently dealing with miscarriages, in my next post, I will attempt to give you tips on how you can pick up the pieces after these painful experiences and move on. Don’t miss it.