My Infertility Story – Dealing with miscarriages cont'd.

As promised, here are some tips for picking up the pieces and moving on after a miscarriage or miscarriages, for you my readers who find yourselves in this position:-

Your miscarriage/s could be recently or a while now, but the point is, you never get over them and its worst if you have not had subsequent successful pregnancies, to take some of the focus off those that you have lost. If we were not blessed to have had our son a year after we lost our daughter, then I am scared to even think how I would be feeling now.

• With that said, what I want to say to persons dealing with miscarriages, is to grieve in your own way. Do not let anyone tell you how to grieve and when to stop grieving and move on. This is all up to you, or else you’ll find that you are not able to pick up the pieces and move on at all. I remember during my grief period, I took some time off from going out socially, as I did not think I would have been able to coop with normal life as it were. After a while, a friend said to me, Annetta, it is now time to come back out. I knew she meant well and I figured it was because I was missed, especially at Church, but I was upset as I felt it was not up to her to tell me when to move on.
• You also must cry, crying is good when nothing else can comfort you. After a good cry, you are left with enough energy to make it to the next cry. It is like a rest stop, it rejuvenates and gives you the resolve to forge ahead.
  You also need a support base. My family and friends were there for me in such an amazing way. My husband was phenomenal. Even my doctor was there for me too, he even called me on Mother’s Day, which was the next month. I was so touched by this. Grief of this kind, you cannot handle alone.
• Chances are you are feeling angry and betrayed by God. This is normal, as I felt that way too. Thanks to Dr. Dobson, his book “when God does not make sense,” puts it all in perspective for me. Just to reiterate what he is saying, we do not know why bad things befall us and it is not that we are targeted either. That’s just how life is. Why did my best friend have to die so tragically, or why is it your mother who is diagnosed with cancer, or why am I the only one out of five sisters to be diagnosed with infertility or the only child out of seven to get my father’s stuttering. No one knows, and the sooner we make peace with this, it will save us the energy we use to be angry with God so that we can channel that energy into picking up the pieces and moving on.
• You might also be having suicidal thoughts. This seem normal as I had them too and others I know of. My opinion with suicidal thoughts is that for some, they are just co-oping mechanisims and for others they are more than just that as sadly they are actually acted up on. When you have them you are actually picturing yourself dead and therefore rid of the problems that you face and this infact makes them a little lighter to carry for the moment. I find that soon after I had those thoughts, I was jolted back into reality, as I began to feel so guilty and selfish that I would actually want to put my loved ones through that kind of pain.
• If you feel you want to hold on to something from the experience, do that, it helps, it is comforting and the time will come when you can let it go. I chose to hold on to my shower items and after a while, I was able to share them with another friend who was pregnant. It was hard as I cried so much when she left with them, because I felt she was taking away a piece of my daughter.
• If you find that you are approaching the end of your reproductive years, and you have exhausted all your options, then adoption is still a good alternative. I know you might have contemplated it before and so it is now good time to visit this option. Adoption can also be a good option while you are considering your next plan, once you are financially able to do it. I am sure you will have a lot of love to give to this fortunate child who otherwise probably would not have it. I thought of adoption many times, I even went to the Agency for a package which turned out to be my security blanket, as I could not shake the feeling that I in fact wanted my own child.
• Most importantly, DO NOT GIVE UP. Just when you feel like giving up, that is when your triumph could be just around the corner. Many women lose a couple of pregnancies first before they have successful ones, so be encouraged.
  

Trials like these only come to make us strong and I am a testimony to that and I know you will get there too. Just stay the course, let the trials redefine you as a person, let them redefine your life’s purpose. Trust me you will be better off for it.

ALL THE VERY BEST!!!!!!!

In my next posts, I will be talking about my triumph, I cannot believe I am at that point in my story already and I am so excited to share it with you. Do join me.