MY MOTHER, MY HERO

Children are a gift from the Lord; they are a reward from him.
Children born to a young man are like sharp arrows in a warrior’s hand

Psalm 127: 3 & 4

"HOPE MAKES ALL THE DIFFERENCE"

When I started thinking about what to write for Mother’s Day on my blog this year, before long, I knew I wanted to do a tribute to you, my mother, my hero.


You are my hero because despite being thrown hurdles in life, you have made it over these hurdles with such, humility, such grace and most of all, a heart filled with gratitude. I often think back at how thankful you were, even with the little you had, and I was reminded of this in a birthday call I made to you recently. You were on your way to work that evening and said you had another shift in the morning, I said to you, mind you are working too hard at your age, and you said, ‘yes, it is tough, but I remain grateful to God, because others still have it worst.’ This certainly warmed my heart and for the days following this conversation, I was made to focus more on having a thankful heart and giving God thanks more, for the blessings I do have in my life. Thanks Mama.

You and Papa, even though you had such limited education, made sure that all your children were exposed to, if only, the basic education that we needed to make sure we had, even if it is just a little bit more than you had. You did this despite the critics, who were accusing you of putting your children first, instead of seeking to acquire material things that would enhance your life. You did not allow these comments to cause you to lose focus, because your status in life was not what matters most to you and so your eyes remained on the prize and now you are enjoying the best of both worlds. You are proud of what your children have become, be it great or small and you have been blessed with more to the point where you can now give us some of what you were not able to give us before, and most of all, you are also able to stretch a hand a little further to others in need as well. This is just a testament to the fact that God does honor humility, faithfulness and a thankful heart.

I am sadden to know that the individuals who were saying these things to you, seemingly had no idea, the strength of character and focus, that it takes to be a parent who wants the very best for their children, even with limited resources. I must say, now that I am a parent myself, I totally understand what it takes to put your child first. Someone, in a conversation, once said to me that if she is reduced to only a morsel of food in her house, that morsel would have to share for all in her household. I am totally taken by this concept, but what if the morsel just cannot share and I know you and Papa must have found yourselves doing without, because there were times, when the morsel you had, just could not share. There were times I recall, though, when God blessed and multiplied that morsel, so that even the dear old neighbor, did not have to do without.

I have hurdles in my life, and many times when I feel like I have no strength left to make it over these hurdles, I suddenly feel renewed thinking, wait, my mother is scaling her hurdles, even if she is stumbling or even falling here and there, so I know I should be able to make it over mine as well, though I too may stumble and sometimes even fall. I remember when I was allowing my hurdles to get the better of me, you sent some harsh words my way. I was upset at first, and thought, my mother does not really love me. Before long though, I saw all too clear, your intentions. You were using tough love to help me snap out of my pain, because you just could not deal with the fact that one of your children, was hurting so deeply, especially after knowing you had provided us with the basic platform (a basic education, and some basic and very important life skills, and most of all, the fact that we knew God, because of the example you and Papa set), to be able to deal with the darts that life would throw our way.

As a child growing up, we did not always see eye to eye, but this is normal and among one of the things that often happen when we are on the learning curve of life. A child, in their quest for individualism and acceptance in this big wide world, very often find themselves struggling to find common ground with their parents or guardian, and so I do believe this is a  critical part of the process of growth and transition into the adult that the child will one day become.

Now that I am an adult, who have to come to terms with the fact that one particular hurdle, (my stuttering), that I have been given, will continue to make my life a little more difficult than that of others, I often look back and think that probably if I was given more, by way of validation from my parents, so that I did not spend a lot of my young impressionable years thinking that I was less of a person, because of this hurdle, I would be at a much better place in my life now. I however do not blame you and Papa for any contribution to such difficulties, because I know you did not have the capacity to deal with issues of this nature, instead, I choose to press on, knowing that I am by no means the only one with hurdles, drawing on those basic life skills you gave me, and others that I continue to learn along the way, and hoping one day to be truly liberated in this regard. Mama, what you and Papa gave me is just as important, or even more important, though, you taught me how to be humble, how to be thankful and make the most of what I have been blessed with be it big or small, and most of all, how to live my life with grace and humility.

Your heart is so big and I do believe that all your children share equal parts of this big heart of yours, because a mother would not have it any other way. Your prayers, I know, are what keep us together, and I remember listening to your prayer one night before falling asleep and thinking to myself, what big heart, you covered everyone in that prayer, even those who govern our land, and then I knew, your children really have someone in their corner, and we are all truly blessed.

You have regrets for some choices you made while raising us, as I once heard you said that if you had your life to live over, you would have done some things differently. This is quite normal for each and every one of us, because we are not given a life manual, so we are prone to making mistakes and so all we can do is learn from these mistakes, forgive ourselves and hope that those who were marginalized as a result of our choices, forgive us as well, so that we all can continue together (in unity), on this journey of life.

And so, this Mother’s Day, I just want to honor you for all you have been, all you have become and all you continue to be to me.

I love you, mama, my hero.



HAPPY MOTHER’S DAY

My Infertility Story – Dealing with miscarriages cont'd.

As promised, here are some tips for picking up the pieces and moving on after a miscarriage or miscarriages, for you my readers who find yourselves in this position:-

Your miscarriage/s could be recently or a while now, but the point is, you never get over them and its worst if you have not had subsequent successful pregnancies, to take some of the focus off those that you have lost. If we were not blessed to have had our son a year after we lost our daughter, then I am scared to even think how I would be feeling now.

• With that said, what I want to say to persons dealing with miscarriages, is to grieve in your own way. Do not let anyone tell you how to grieve and when to stop grieving and move on. This is all up to you, or else you’ll find that you are not able to pick up the pieces and move on at all. I remember during my grief period, I took some time off from going out socially, as I did not think I would have been able to coop with normal life as it were. After a while, a friend said to me, Annetta, it is now time to come back out. I knew she meant well and I figured it was because I was missed, especially at Church, but I was upset as I felt it was not up to her to tell me when to move on.
• You also must cry, crying is good when nothing else can comfort you. After a good cry, you are left with enough energy to make it to the next cry. It is like a rest stop, it rejuvenates and gives you the resolve to forge ahead.
  You also need a support base. My family and friends were there for me in such an amazing way. My husband was phenomenal. Even my doctor was there for me too, he even called me on Mother’s Day, which was the next month. I was so touched by this. Grief of this kind, you cannot handle alone.
• Chances are you are feeling angry and betrayed by God. This is normal, as I felt that way too. Thanks to Dr. Dobson, his book “when God does not make sense,” puts it all in perspective for me. Just to reiterate what he is saying, we do not know why bad things befall us and it is not that we are targeted either. That’s just how life is. Why did my best friend have to die so tragically, or why is it your mother who is diagnosed with cancer, or why am I the only one out of five sisters to be diagnosed with infertility or the only child out of seven to get my father’s stuttering. No one knows, and the sooner we make peace with this, it will save us the energy we use to be angry with God so that we can channel that energy into picking up the pieces and moving on.
• You might also be having suicidal thoughts. This seem normal as I had them too and others I know of. My opinion with suicidal thoughts is that for some, they are just co-oping mechanisims and for others they are more than just that as sadly they are actually acted up on. When you have them you are actually picturing yourself dead and therefore rid of the problems that you face and this infact makes them a little lighter to carry for the moment. I find that soon after I had those thoughts, I was jolted back into reality, as I began to feel so guilty and selfish that I would actually want to put my loved ones through that kind of pain.
• If you feel you want to hold on to something from the experience, do that, it helps, it is comforting and the time will come when you can let it go. I chose to hold on to my shower items and after a while, I was able to share them with another friend who was pregnant. It was hard as I cried so much when she left with them, because I felt she was taking away a piece of my daughter.
• If you find that you are approaching the end of your reproductive years, and you have exhausted all your options, then adoption is still a good alternative. I know you might have contemplated it before and so it is now good time to visit this option. Adoption can also be a good option while you are considering your next plan, once you are financially able to do it. I am sure you will have a lot of love to give to this fortunate child who otherwise probably would not have it. I thought of adoption many times, I even went to the Agency for a package which turned out to be my security blanket, as I could not shake the feeling that I in fact wanted my own child.
• Most importantly, DO NOT GIVE UP. Just when you feel like giving up, that is when your triumph could be just around the corner. Many women lose a couple of pregnancies first before they have successful ones, so be encouraged.
  

Trials like these only come to make us strong and I am a testimony to that and I know you will get there too. Just stay the course, let the trials redefine you as a person, let them redefine your life’s purpose. Trust me you will be better off for it.

ALL THE VERY BEST!!!!!!!

In my next posts, I will be talking about my triumph, I cannot believe I am at that point in my story already and I am so excited to share it with you. Do join me.