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When I was struggling with infertility, I had many instances when I was in the company of women who are mothers, and the conversations would, most times, be centred around their children. From experience, this is a very difficult thing for a woman who is yearning for children of her own, to have to experience.
When a very good friend of mine became pregnant, I pulled away from her because of jealousy. I had dreams of our children growing up together and because of my infertility issues, I was by now feeling that this would never happen. As she settled into motherhood and our relationship was showing no sign of mending, my insecure, fertility-challenged self wanted to believe that this was because she probably did not value my friendship anymore because we were now at different places in our lives and as a result, I even began resenting her.
The most difficult instance for me, came when our daughter was still-born in April 2007. I was in the hospital and had visitors, only to find on one occasion, that a conversation between two of my visitors (women) was centred entirely around their children, from day-care experiences to child-hood illnesses. I was horrified, how could these women think that this was an appropriate time to talk about their children when I laid there dealing with so much grief and pain. As a result of this, I told myself, that if I am ever given the opportunity to become a mother, I would be so mindful of other women who have no children, having had these unpleasant experiences. I am very aware that I do have the upper hand here, and will find this easy to do, being one who, I can now say with much conviction, is so privileged to have been chosen to struggle with infertility and so I do not, for one minute feel that it will be automatic or easy, or even possible for someone who have never had to walk this painful path.
So, how do we treat women around us, who have no children, be it by choice, infertility or other reasons. Do we exclude them from the birthday party lists or from our lives, for that matter, because we feel that we are at different places? Do we ask for their opinion on issues involving our children or do we think that they would never be able to understand or help because they are not mothers themselves.
I hated Mothers’ Day so much, when I was struggling with infertility, and on many occasions tried to find an excuse not go to Church. This particular Mother’s Day, when the usual honouring of mothers exercise was being done, I sat in my seat, wondering if I should stay inside or excuse myself and go outside. I stayed and watched as all the mothers walked up to the front. The moderator invited other women who were not biological mothers, but had, had some input in molding the life of a child. I had great hopes that somewhere in that invitation, I would be included, maybe as an Aunt who had nurtured a niece or nephew or even for just being a Godmother. The opportunity never came, and by this time, it was just myself and another young lady, who were left in pews. I saw this as the opportunity to go outside and I did, on the verge of tears and reeling with embarrassment. I was upset for days, so much so that I called my Pastor and spoke to him. I was not expecting what he said to me. He knew of the format that the honouring of mothers exercise would have taken that day and he did caution the person in charge, that it could have an unpleasant outcome for some women who find that they were not included. I suppose he was so connected because he and his wife had struggled for a while to have children. The person said to him that she saw nothing wrong with the approach and so proceeded with it. I was upset with her for a while, and would have pardoned her only for the fact that being a mother, she probably has never experienced the pain of yearning for a child, and probably would not easily understand the need to do what she did differently, but sadly, when I learned that it was brought to her attention that others could be hurt on account of her doing, and she seemed to have not cared enough to give it any thought, It really took a while for me to forgive her.
This incident has left such an impact on me, and my struggles with infertility, so much so that the other young lady who, along with me, was excluded from this celebration, I told my husband that I wanted to name her a Godmother so that we could share our son with her. This was my way of making up for that hurt she had to endure (as she told me that she did, somewhat felt the same way I did). It will not ease her yearning and her pain, but from experience I know that when women who are yearning for children, actually become involved in the lives of children, there is a release and even though, initially you might have had your reservations about doing this, you end up feeling much better about your situation.
With all this said, I know that being mothers, some of us see as the most important role we could ever be allowed to play, in our lives and I also know that our children are equally as important to us and we cease every opportunity to talk and brag about them, and in all fairness, we should be allowed to celebrate this.
I know all too well, that if we have never felt the pangs of yearning for a child, we will never really understand fully, what those who yearn, face on a daily basis. Despite this, I still want to charge us all, to be mindful of those around us who are childless. I am not saying that you are to walk around on pins and needles because of them, as I know they would not want you to do this, but just a little thought now and then about them and how they are actually cooping in a world that puts so much emphasis on procreating, would be very helpful, if this is not too much to ask.
Probably the ones who are childless by choice, does not need all this, but I do know that those who yearn, it would make a difference to them that you care enough.
