IS IT POSSIBLE TO FIND TOTAL FULFILLMENT IN LIFE WITHOUT HAVING CHILDREN?

Children are a gift from the Lord; they are a reward from him.
Children born to a young man are like sharp arrows in a warriors hand
Psalm 127: 3 & 4

I was reading a post by a young lady the other day, who suffers from infertility, who, after various failed treatments, have now decided to stop trying to get pregnant and go back to living her life.

I can well imagine that this is one of the hardest decisions she has ever had to make and she is also very aware that having made this decision, just as when she was trying to get pregnant, there will be difficult day to day issues that she will have to face.

For people suffering with infertility, this is also a very important decision to make because it is recommended that you come to terms with the fact that at some point you really have to consider stop trying to get pregnant, whether it be for financial, emotional or other reasons.
From her post, I want to highlight and comment on some of the arguments she has put forward supporting her decision, as she now seeks to transition into living a life without children.

“ Meaning quest. I thought a child would imbue my life with a new sense of focus and purpose. Infertility has created a meaning vacuum. It has ignited in me a renewed sense of obligation to unearth my passions and work towards goals. Mothers often describe the experience of giving birth as the most incredible thing they ever experienced, holding their infant for the first time as transcendent, and raising children as “the toughest job you’ll ever love.” I feel the need to create comparable peak experiences and ongoing projects. There is a pressure to craft a life well lived, even though I will never raise children.”

There is nothing really wrong in wanting to craft a life well lived, even though you will never raise children, and it is very natural to want to do this. The problem is though, there still remains a vacuum that nothing else except children can fill. You can seek to create experiences comparable to that of having and raising children, get involved in ongoing projects, but from experiences, all that happens here is that you get so busy that you are forced to think about your inability to have children less. This is not by any means a bad thing, but it does not take away the pain, or the yearning, nor does it take away the empty space that children would have filled.

I tried all these things, I travelled to the extent that I could afford, I at times even did a little bit of shopping to boost my spirits, I do the expensive dining out, I enrolled in courses and threw myself deeply into things I was involved in. None of these things helped, I was still as sad, as empty and unfulfilled as ever.

Further in her post, she had this to say, “Writing this, I am for the first time acknowledging my own strength and courage in living with infertility and finally making the decision to be childfree. Emboldened, I ask of those blessed with their own children to consider the following: Your family is your good fortune. Not everyone else is as lucky. Please be self-aware about when, to whom, how and especially how much you talk about your children. Just as it is not flattering to be openly bitter about infertility, nor is it becoming to be boastful about one’s parental pride.”

Before I had my son, I was on the same page as this person, I would be annoyed with people whose company I was in, some of whom knew about my infertility and the conversations became of their children and I too thought these people were ‘boastful about their parental pride.’

It was only after I had our son and I realized how fortunate and blessed we were and find that we jumped at every opportunity to talk about our son, that I realized that parents are generally very eager to talk about their children, even boast a little. Further, if they have never experienced infertility, it is not fair to expect them to know exactly how you are feeling and avoid causing you discomfort in situations, even if they know that you are struggling in this regard.

To further drive home my point, I remember when we lost our daughter in 2007, I was in the hospital and had some visitors. I was understandably very grief-stricken and felt even worse when those same visitors began talking about their children. Who was off visiting grandma, who was just enrolled in preschool and who was adjusting to day-care. I thought these people were insensitive,as I was lying there about to give birth to our dead child. How much clearer could it be that this was not the appropriate time to have conversations about your children, as it was not only about infertility now, I was grieving in plain sight, for our daughter whom I had lost and I could not believe they saw it fit to add to my grief in this way. I was on the verge of telling my husband to ask them to leave.

Sincethen, it has come home to me all too clearly that people who struggle with infertility have to find their own resolve, as unfortunately, this world is in no way equipped to be there for such people as they would have liked it to. That is why infertility is such a lonely journey.

In view of the above, I can say that surely this is going to be a difficult journey for this young lady, as she will have to deal with so many difficult situations. There will be constant reminders of the opportunity she has given up. Every pregnant woman or baby she sees will only be a reminder for her and sadly, she will have to endure a lot more conversations and ‘boasting’ about children, and the mere fact that she had to ask others to make adjustments to accommodate her, tells me that she probably was not ready to make this decision, also the fact that it seem she will be in constant pursuit of a fulfilled life, she will never be able to find it because she will not be going about it in a natural and healthy manner, she will be doing it to prove to people with children that she can live a fulfilled life without children and that, I believe, kills it for her. She can have a life ‘well-lived’, I believe, but not one as fulfilled as having children brings. I am very aware that there are some persons who have made the decision from the onset, not to have children and would like to think that these people have their formulae for fulfillment. I however cannot say the same for people who initially wanted children and have to give up on that dream due to infertility, as there are instances in life when a child’s innocent laughter, a cute remark, or just something hilarious that they do, are the only things sometimes that can truly add meaning to a otherwise stressful and mundane life.

Might I add that the effects from making the decision to stop trying for children usually does not disappear after you have passed childbearing age, because now you begin to wonder if you made the right decision. If you would have become pregnant, had you not made this decision, and if you really had children who would they look like, and what they would become in life.

With all that said, I must say, I applaud this woman's courage and strength as she is doing something that I do not think myself and many others could do. I had thoughts of doing this several time in my struggles but just could not find the strength. Please find her complete post by following the link below and until next times, keep clinging to hope.

http://parenting.blogs.nytimes.com/2009/09/10/life-after-infertility-treatments-fail/

My Infertility Story – Our triumph

As promised, meet our miracle baby, Theodore Ronald Norris Price. You might be wondering why the many names and why are they so strong. Well, Theodore means ‘gift of God’. Ronald is my father’s name and Norris, my husband’s father’s name. Our families came together for us in so much support and prayers during the pregnancy and so we saw it fit to honor them by giving our son the names of the patriarchs. Whenever we think of our son’s names, it is definitely a reminder of this and so we will never forget.

When we took Theodore home from the maternity home, I laid him down in the playpen and remember feeling so terrified as I did not know what next to do. I was so scared I would break him or something and so I just quickly put him down. I thought all the experience of babysitting my neighbors' children and my niece and nephews would count for something. Thanks to my mother-in-law, she supported us in such an amazing way and I drew heavily on her experience, having raised four boys and so in no time I jumped right in and did what every mother does naturally, take care of her baby. I also knew I had to get it right quickly as the rest of the world was waiting to meet our miracle baby.

I remember a few days after I had taken him home, I had just breastfed him and felt so overcome with joy that I began to cry. I was crying first out of joy and then I was crying for all women who are yearning for this great privilege and those who will never have it. Yes, I was crying for all of you, my readers experiencing infertility, as no woman should have to be sentenced (outside of their will) to a life of never experiencing a pregnancy, and so is never able to feel the emotions involved in staring in the face of a satisfied child after he has been breastfed. Or experience the intimacy of just holding your child, a child that came from your loins, someone so intimately connected to you, for all eternity.

Our son is now twenty months old and he is way ahead of his age. He is so helpful. In the mornings, he climbs on the back of the sofa and open the windows. Mind you those windows are intricate to open, but he manages to do it. His father usually lift him up to the chain for the ceiling fans and with instructions from him, he would pull on each of them and turn them on. I have since banned him from opening them though as he broke one and we had to get an electrician to fix it. He even helps us to pack out groceries but we have to watch him as he helps himself to stuff, my tomatoes does not stand a chance, he bites into them through the packaging. So you see, he actually has chores already and looks forward to doing them, well at least for now because I know when he is older, like every child, he will not want to do his chores. We have started encouraging him already by applauding his efforts so we hope that will encourage him to continue to want to help out in his little way around the house. Bless his little heart.

He loves turning on and off the television and changing channels etc., one day he went to turn it on and realized that it was not coming on. To my astonishment, he turned and looked up at the ceiling fan. Electricity was in fact gone and I was so amazed to see how he was able to actually figure that out and walked away from the television.

He is so daring and full of life, sometimes I wonder if we are enough to keep him safe, but as my mother-in-law remarked when I told her he had fallen off the bed before I could reach him, “God keeps them safe, he raises up the floor to them when they fall.” I believe that very much and I take comfort in it.

His favorite television shows are, Hi-5 and Mister Maker on Discovery Kids and The Ellen Degeneress Show and the game show, Deal or no Deal on NBC. He likes the Ellen show because he likes to dance. For Deal or no Deal, he likes when the participants say, “No Deal” he actually imitates them and it is such a precious moment to watch.

He is also a good footballer. He kicks with such force and precision. We see the World Cup in his future.

At nights, when he wants to sleep, he finds me and pull me to cuddle with him until he falls asleep and any night I do not get to do it, I feel so cheated, so disappointed, as I actually look forward to it. One day I said to him, do you know how special you are? I was certainly not expecting what I heard next, he said, ‘mm mm.’ I was astonished to say the least, it was so dead on, that I thought he actually understood what I was saying.

Last April I took him to daycare because I was starting a job. The Friday evening of the first week of the job I went to pick him up as usual and the lady at the daycare told me he had a slight fever and we are to watch it. I did not take it for anything, I thought he was just teething. Later that evening, the fever intensified and so we gave him some children’s panadol. This took the fever down but we realized that as soon as the medication wore off, the fever came back. It continued like that for the rest of the weekend. This was truly a difficult weekend, this being our first encounter with him being sick. I tried to remain calm for my husband who was terrified but inside, I too was terrified. We took him to the doctor the Monday morning and he was diagnosed with tonsillitis. I was so taken aback, as I thought that tonsillitis only affected bigger children and adults. He received medication but the fever still continued and so I called the doctor and ask him if this fever should not be checking by now. He said it will run its course for three days after he began the medication. I was relieved but three days was really too long to see him sick. He was just too vibrant and full of life to just lie there so listless, so sick. I could not take it, I broke down because I missed him, I missed his vibrancy and I was just not accustomed to seeing him so sick. He got better by the end of the week and I was so happy to have my healthy baby boy again. I had to sacrifice my job to stay home with him though, but I am alright with that, my child that I pulled from God's firm grip, comes first.

He became sick again a couple months ago and I prayed that it did not turn out to be like the last one. God seem to have answered my prayers, as the fever went away on its own soon after. I was relieved. I ask God to keep him well but I know this is not really possible because children do touch dirty things and pick up all kinds of germs and so this is indeed part of the package.

It is such a joy to wake up in the mornings and hear him trying to wake up and having conversations with himself. Especially on weekends, it is really a special moment to put him in the bed with us in the mornings and have him entertain us. We do enjoy the blessings of those moments.

As I said in previous post, I wonder very often these days, if God ever intended for me to have children of my own, given the difficult time I had. That I will never know. One thing I know however, is that I am eternally grateful to him, whether I forced his hands or not and this is something I will never take for granted. I will do everything I can to be a mother who is always there for her children, one who listens, one who instills the appropriate discipline and still be their greatest cheerleader and most of all one who is ever grateful, so grateful for this opportunity.



Join me in my next post for the conclusion of my infertility story.