IS IT POSSIBLE TO FIND TOTAL FULFILLMENT IN LIFE WITHOUT HAVING CHILDREN?

Children are a gift from the Lord; they are a reward from him.
Children born to a young man are like sharp arrows in a warriors hand
Psalm 127: 3 & 4

I was reading a post by a young lady the other day, who suffers from infertility, who, after various failed treatments, have now decided to stop trying to get pregnant and go back to living her life.

I can well imagine that this is one of the hardest decisions she has ever had to make and she is also very aware that having made this decision, just as when she was trying to get pregnant, there will be difficult day to day issues that she will have to face.

For people suffering with infertility, this is also a very important decision to make because it is recommended that you come to terms with the fact that at some point you really have to consider stop trying to get pregnant, whether it be for financial, emotional or other reasons.
From her post, I want to highlight and comment on some of the arguments she has put forward supporting her decision, as she now seeks to transition into living a life without children.

“ Meaning quest. I thought a child would imbue my life with a new sense of focus and purpose. Infertility has created a meaning vacuum. It has ignited in me a renewed sense of obligation to unearth my passions and work towards goals. Mothers often describe the experience of giving birth as the most incredible thing they ever experienced, holding their infant for the first time as transcendent, and raising children as “the toughest job you’ll ever love.” I feel the need to create comparable peak experiences and ongoing projects. There is a pressure to craft a life well lived, even though I will never raise children.”

There is nothing really wrong in wanting to craft a life well lived, even though you will never raise children, and it is very natural to want to do this. The problem is though, there still remains a vacuum that nothing else except children can fill. You can seek to create experiences comparable to that of having and raising children, get involved in ongoing projects, but from experiences, all that happens here is that you get so busy that you are forced to think about your inability to have children less. This is not by any means a bad thing, but it does not take away the pain, or the yearning, nor does it take away the empty space that children would have filled.

I tried all these things, I travelled to the extent that I could afford, I at times even did a little bit of shopping to boost my spirits, I do the expensive dining out, I enrolled in courses and threw myself deeply into things I was involved in. None of these things helped, I was still as sad, as empty and unfulfilled as ever.

Further in her post, she had this to say, “Writing this, I am for the first time acknowledging my own strength and courage in living with infertility and finally making the decision to be childfree. Emboldened, I ask of those blessed with their own children to consider the following: Your family is your good fortune. Not everyone else is as lucky. Please be self-aware about when, to whom, how and especially how much you talk about your children. Just as it is not flattering to be openly bitter about infertility, nor is it becoming to be boastful about one’s parental pride.”

Before I had my son, I was on the same page as this person, I would be annoyed with people whose company I was in, some of whom knew about my infertility and the conversations became of their children and I too thought these people were ‘boastful about their parental pride.’

It was only after I had our son and I realized how fortunate and blessed we were and find that we jumped at every opportunity to talk about our son, that I realized that parents are generally very eager to talk about their children, even boast a little. Further, if they have never experienced infertility, it is not fair to expect them to know exactly how you are feeling and avoid causing you discomfort in situations, even if they know that you are struggling in this regard.

To further drive home my point, I remember when we lost our daughter in 2007, I was in the hospital and had some visitors. I was understandably very grief-stricken and felt even worse when those same visitors began talking about their children. Who was off visiting grandma, who was just enrolled in preschool and who was adjusting to day-care. I thought these people were insensitive,as I was lying there about to give birth to our dead child. How much clearer could it be that this was not the appropriate time to have conversations about your children, as it was not only about infertility now, I was grieving in plain sight, for our daughter whom I had lost and I could not believe they saw it fit to add to my grief in this way. I was on the verge of telling my husband to ask them to leave.

Sincethen, it has come home to me all too clearly that people who struggle with infertility have to find their own resolve, as unfortunately, this world is in no way equipped to be there for such people as they would have liked it to. That is why infertility is such a lonely journey.

In view of the above, I can say that surely this is going to be a difficult journey for this young lady, as she will have to deal with so many difficult situations. There will be constant reminders of the opportunity she has given up. Every pregnant woman or baby she sees will only be a reminder for her and sadly, she will have to endure a lot more conversations and ‘boasting’ about children, and the mere fact that she had to ask others to make adjustments to accommodate her, tells me that she probably was not ready to make this decision, also the fact that it seem she will be in constant pursuit of a fulfilled life, she will never be able to find it because she will not be going about it in a natural and healthy manner, she will be doing it to prove to people with children that she can live a fulfilled life without children and that, I believe, kills it for her. She can have a life ‘well-lived’, I believe, but not one as fulfilled as having children brings. I am very aware that there are some persons who have made the decision from the onset, not to have children and would like to think that these people have their formulae for fulfillment. I however cannot say the same for people who initially wanted children and have to give up on that dream due to infertility, as there are instances in life when a child’s innocent laughter, a cute remark, or just something hilarious that they do, are the only things sometimes that can truly add meaning to a otherwise stressful and mundane life.

Might I add that the effects from making the decision to stop trying for children usually does not disappear after you have passed childbearing age, because now you begin to wonder if you made the right decision. If you would have become pregnant, had you not made this decision, and if you really had children who would they look like, and what they would become in life.

With all that said, I must say, I applaud this woman's courage and strength as she is doing something that I do not think myself and many others could do. I had thoughts of doing this several time in my struggles but just could not find the strength. Please find her complete post by following the link below and until next times, keep clinging to hope.

http://parenting.blogs.nytimes.com/2009/09/10/life-after-infertility-treatments-fail/

IS IT WRONG TO WANT SOMETHING SO BADLY???

Children are a gift from the Lord; they are a real blessing.

Children born to a young man, are like sharp arrows in a warrior's hand.

Psalm 127 verses 3 & 4

I love children, and after marriage and the time was right, I thought it would be easy having some of my own. Unfortunatley, infertility set in and I saw my dream shattering before my very eyes. I wanted to have children so badly and as my struggles progressed, my yearning only intensified.


My yearning was so overwhelming and crippling and many times I felt guilty that I was yearning so much. I even felt I was doing something terribly wrong by yearning so much.


I remember one day, I was feeling particularly tired and beaten up by my struggles with infertility and had the chance to talk to a friend. It was the first time she was hearing of my struggles with infertility and so I was at least expecting some words of encouragement, after pouring my heart out to her, but instead she said to me, "you want to have a baby so badly, oh." I was taken aback, whatever does she mean, I thought, is it wrong to want to have a child so badly? It did not make it any easier to hear this from her for the mere fact that she herself was a mother and therefore would never know what it feels like to want to have a child and is being prevented. Her comment however still left me feeling guilty that I was yearning so much for a child and this guilt was greater than before.


There were other instances in my struggle that made me feel as if I was yearning too much for a child. I remember hearing that someone had said that I was allowing my yearning for a child to cause distress to my husband. I was saddened and angry to hear this and if I had not heard it from a third party I would have confronted the person. She too is a mother and even a grandmother. This particular incident had me feeling that persons were seeing me as this obsessed person who was consumed with my struggles to have a child so this added greatly to my guilt of yearning. It did not help either that by this time I was also consumed with the feeling that I wanted to prove to other women that I was as normal as they were, I could conceive a child just as they could, I could be a mother, have a family just as they do, after all, am I not deserving of even just that. I was however wondering if it was because my motives for wanting a child seemed a little bit selfish at times, why God was not answering my prayers.


My question therefore is, "is it wrong to want something so badly." I know it can be wrong to yearn for things that are not necessarily good for us, the job with the office with a view, the beachhouse where we can take our family for summer vacations, the bank account with the huge overdraft facility, but how can it be wrong to want a child, to want a family to whom we can give and experience unconditional love. A family that is there for us when others can't. My answer then can only be no, it is not wrong at all to yearn for these things as they are very much a natural part of our lives, a part of who we are and a part of who we will ever become.


I have been reading a lot of blogs by people experiencing infertility and with each one I read, there is one thing that stands out, there is a strong yearning for children, for a family to call their own and they are leaving no stones unturned nor sparing any costs to satisfy this yearning.


In closing I want to say to you who continue to yearn in this way, do not for one minute feel guilty for yearning so much, do not for one minute feel like you are doing anything wrong in yearning so much, yearn on, fight on, in the end it will be well worth it.



ALL THE BEST TO YOU, and until next time, keep clinging to hope.

My Infertility Story - My infertility and my family cont'd.

Wow, when I was diagnosed with infertility, I really did not know how hard it would have been to talk to my family about it, to secure the support that one would need from their family in situations such as this. I thought it would have been easy at least to talk to my husband since he is the closest to me, but sadly this was not the case. It was as my struggle progressed that I realized that I felt embarrassed whenever I thought of sharing my story with my family and became even more embarrassed as time passed, to the point that I did not want to try anymore. I guess apart from the embarrassment I felt, I just thought they would not understand and would probably say things to make me more upset.

Where the rest of my family is concerned, as I mentioned before, I tried to talk to them occasionally about my infertility, but unfortunately did not get very far, as embarrassment would begin to set in or something would be said to turn me off. The little that they knew about my struggles, therefore, was sadly not enough to secure the kind of support that one would expect from their family.

I wanted so much a connection with my family so that they would ask me what is happening with me where children were concerned, when they realised that time was passing and I was not having any. I would have jumped at that opportunity to talk but unfortunately I waited and waited and sadly it did not happen.

The only question my mom, would ask was, “when are you going to pay the man back for his ring?” (She means giving my husband a child). I found this quite amusing at first but as my infertility progressed, I was not happy anymore to hear it and her other comments. My Dad, I remember visiting him once and was telling him that one of my sisters was expecting a second child. I really did not see his response coming. “What about you, he asked, you are wasting time.” I did not know if I was to cry or just grab my things and run until I reached my home. I was so upset and taken aback, as I thought my father would at least be on my side, as I think he understands me more than anyone else in my family.

Once my father took ill and my sister and I journeyed out to the country to see him. I was so excited about this trip as I had made a vow that I would use this time and fill my sister in about my struggle with infertility. I could not say a word, the cat must have had my tongue as I could not find it. I was so devastated I felt like crying.

I remember once I was talking to one of my sisters and I was beginning to divulge some of the emotional battles I was having. I was feeling very good about this, as this was the first time I was actually reaching this far with any one from my family. The wind was ripped from my sail as she began to tell me that she is really not sure that she would be so upset and depressed about infertility. I did not know what to say. She has a child I thought, how could she know what yearning for a child feels like.

On yet another occasion, I was telling another family member that I was at the supermarket earlier that day and it felt like my infertility was punishing me. There were so many cute babies that came into the store and if that was not enough, there were twins among them. I felt as if my infertility was being thrown into my face and so I hurriedly picked up what I went for and got out. To my dismay, my sister said to me, “just try and block things like that.” Block it, I thought, exactly how would I do that. (She has two beautiful children).
I was mortified and vowed that this would be the end of me trying to talk to my family about the struggles I was having with my infertility as clearly they could not help me.

I know if they knew that saying things like those upset me, they would not have said them, and so even as I was feeling upset, I was feeling guilty that I was being so resentful towards them.
Needless to say, the loneliness I felt following this was even more overwhelming, but I thought, I have made it this far on my own so I will carry on, even if it kills me.

More in next post. I am sure by now you do not want to miss the rest.