When one of my
very good friends became pregnant many years ago, I instantly found that I had
pulled away from her. I no longer wanted to be in her company because she now
represents what I wanted so badly, to become pregnant, after I had been
actively trying for a few years. I had pulled way so much that when she had her
baby, I was not one of the first persons to know, in fact, I only knew by the
way, that she had had her baby. I was guilt ridden and when I went
to the hospital to look for her and her baby, I felt so unworthy of being
there. This guilt stayed with me for a while, so much so that when my friend
asked me to be her son’s godmother, I refused at first.
Infertility had
adverse effects on me and I suffered in silence and alone for the better part
of this struggle. I was very relieved when I found someone who was struggling
just as I was, not as long as I have been, but just as intense. She was the
wife of a very good friend of mine. We began sharing our deep private feelings
of wanting to become mothers so much and how we felt victimised and enslaved by
this monster, infertility.
Not long
afterwards I became pregnant, she was happy for me and said that I had given
her hope that she would one day follow. I was so happy to hear this. When I lost the pregnancy at 28 weeks
gestational age, she helped me deal with my loss. Shortly after
that loss, my family and I migrated and immediately after that I became pregnant
with our son. I did not tell her right away, but waited until I felt
comfortable enough to give her this news, because I felt that this time around,
being my chance at pregnancy, she might not be as happy to hear this news as she
was for my first. I called her and we spoke, and somehow I felt what I had
suspected would happen, an instant strain on our relationship. I tried talking to her on a few occasions
after that, encouraging her to not quit the infertility fight, but it just did
not feel the same.
When I had our
son, I called her husband just to say hi and that the baby was here. When I
asked to talk to her, she told her husband to tell me that she was in the
middle of something and could not come to the phone. A few months later, I
extended an invitation to her husband and her, to attend our son’s christening,
when I called to confirm if both of them were coming, she told me she was
unsure of her attendance, due to prior engagements. I understood, because it
was Christmastime, which is usually packed with activities. She did not attend and by then, I had felt
it, infertility had its cruel grasp on our relationship, and it was on
its way to demise. I felt such sadness and felt so helpless, because as one who
understands to a great degree, the negative impact that infertility can have on
our lives, I thought I would be able to help my friend continue to coop with
her infertility struggles, but I was not able to do anything to help her further and save our relationship,
one that I valued so much.
I did not tell
her about the pregnancy with our daughter because I could not bring myself to
telling her about me having a second child when she was still struggling to
have one. I however extended an invitation to the christening, to her husband
and her (out of courtesy, not expecting her to come) which she did not. I have
since sent her the link to my blog, but she has not said anything to me, to
indicate that she is reading it.
There is another
friend I have who has a grown daughter and wants another child. When she learnt
that I wanted another child as well, we began talking daily of how our plans
were going in this regard. I even said to her, as a joke, on one occasion, not
to get pregnant before I do and I won’t get pregnant before her either. Turns
out I became pregnant, I told her and she was very happy for me. We continued
to interact with each other online where she would enquire with great interest,
about my pregnancy. About 5 or 6 months into my pregnancy I noticed I was not
getting any forward emails from her, neither was I seeing her online. I tried
to go on her facebook page, but it has been discontinued. When the baby came, I
could not help but still send her a note via all her email accounts just to see
if she would respond. To date, I have heard nothing from her and I am even
wondering if she has migrated or something. She gave me her number twice and
because I did not log it to my phone right away, I lost it and I feel so bad
about this.
I must say that I
am terribly saddened that infertility has seemingly robbed me of two
relationships that I treasure. I would have wanted very much for these relationships
not to become victims of this dreaded
affliction and would have also wanted to be able to stay close to my friends so
that they would have hope from just seeing how I persevered and conquered infertility.
Are you dealing
with similar challenges in any of your relationships, as a result of
infertility? I would like to hear from you.
