Hello all, you don’t have to miss me any longer, I am back. The problem with my internet has been sorted out. Can you imagine they suspended our internet account for over a month simply because of a mix up with my landlord’s name, (as the internet account is in his name), and took so long to sort it out. Sometimes we are subjected to such unnecessary inconvenience. Anyway, that is over and thank God I am back.
As I said in my last post, so much has happened over the time that I was away and I know you are anxious to hear about them. Let’s see, where do I begin? Well, I suffered another miscarriage at two months gestational age and found out to my horror, that my polycystic ovarian syndrome (pcos) is back and worst than ever, my husband lost his job, then the car was taken, as it was attached to my husband’s job, then a few days afterwards, our internet was suspended.
I felt so victimized, it was as if someone had targeted us and was again subjecting us to misery. Blogging has been the best way so far for me to fully come to grips with the struggles I had to endure in my life so far and when that opportunity was taken from me, I felt really empty. I also felt like I was living in the United States of America as everyday you hear stories of persons who have fallen victim to this global recession. Thank God though, our situation is not as bad as we still have good kind people around and we are being truly blessed by them.
Anyway, back to the issue of the miscarriage I suffered, as this is partly what this blog is about. We really was not trying for a baby, at least not right now because we knew that my husband’s job was in jeopardy. When we found out that we were expecting, we were frightened and confused at first but soon after started to embrace it to the point where we became so excited as we had in fact had discussions about a sibling for our son. We were therefore very sad when we learnt that we had lost it. I for one, was horrified as I thought that I was through with miscarriages, but I guess that choice is not mine to make. I was further horrified when I learnt that my pcos was back and was the cause for the miscarriage. My doctor reacted in such a dramatic way when she saw the cysts on my ovaries that I thought she was going to tell me that I had ovarian cancer. I was so relieved when she told me that they were in fact cysts.
And so, I am once again dealing with the effects of a miscarriage and feeling so guilty that I am grieving this loss when we have already been blessed with such a beautiful son. I am loving him and appreciating him even more these days and is even more grateful to God for him. Miscarriages are such horrible experiences that, if I had enemies, I would not wish it on even them. They have such crippling effects and once you experience them you never fully get over them. I gave birth to our daughter's dead body on April 2, 2007 and last week I could not understand why I was feeling so empty and depressed and why certain places (the UWI hospital, Mona, my sister's home where I spent the days following our loss) were appearing in my memory. I soon realised that it was because I was about to relive the horrible loss of our daughter this time two years ago, and this has been happening every year since.
I do not know what to draw from this experience at this time because we were not trying. I remember however, in the years that I was struggling to have a child, I often asked God for even just one and then we would adopt the other so that they can grow up together. If our request was granted, we saw the adoption as our way of giving thanks to God for his blessing of a child by also giving one other child the love of a family which he probably would otherwise not experience. I cannot help but think now that maybe God is holding me to this promise. We are therefore now actively thinking about adoption as soon as we are financially able to do so as our son definitely needs someone to grow up with. Let me hasten to say that when I spoke in one of my earlier posts that as a child I often dreamt of the ‘pitter patter’ of little feet around my home when I was grown, I never meant just two feet, I meant more, and four is such a whole and complete number. I never saw myself with just one child. An old saying goes, “one pickney is not pickney.” I hope I am not discounting the fact that some of us for whatever reason end up with just one. No need to feel cheated or guilty as this is just for me. You just hug your one child and thank God eternally for them because you are still more fortunate than many who have not been able to experience this blessing. You such, continue to be in my thoughts and prayers.
I am somewhat over this miscarriage now because given our present situation, if this child was still on the way, I am not sure how we would be cooping financially and so I must conclude that God knows best. He alone knows tomorrow and so we trust him enough to rest in his care and keeping.
Do not forget to join me for my next post.
