'GRATEFUL WEDNESDAYS' - Post 4 - Where there is faith............

As a people, we are very ambitious and this is good, there is however a downside to this. We can lose
our selves in pursuing self-advancement; a bigger degree for that bigger salary, a bigger house, a newer car, and find ourselves wondering, why am I not happy, why does my life feel so dull. The thing is, we forget to be thankful for the little things that we already have, without which, our lives would not mean much. Our relationships, our health, our faith, our freedom, I could go on.

There are times in my life when I feel I could have achieved more in certain areas, and as a result I beat upon myself and take on a 'woe is me' attitude. Thankfully, I am soon reminded that less I be accused of being ungrateful, I do have things to be thankful for. 

In my pursuit to become a more thankful and happier person, in general then, I am urged to add a new posting feature to my blog, a segment dedicated to being thankful, which I have decided to call ‘GRATEFUL WEDNESDAYS', where I will post all the things in my life that I am thankful for, regardless of how small and especially those things which I have learnt the most from.

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Post 4 - Where there is faith

Let me first apologize for last week's grateful Wednesday post. I was in over my head that day and could not honour my obligation. So sorry.

Today I am grateful for my faith.

In Hebrews 11 verse 1 (KJV), faith is defined as the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen and Microsoft Word Thesaurus defined faith with words such as, confidence, assurance and conviction.

It is not easy to keep hope alive, when everything else is dictating to you to give up, throw in the towel. This was the case for me with my infertility struggles. I tested my faith over and over again throughout this decade long struggle, and many times gave up in my physical self as no answer was forthcoming. I many times found myself calling out to God, are you there? Its me, Marie, do you remember the many prayers of a stammer, freckled face girl, who so desperately wants to be a Mother.

I did not give up, my faith would not let me, as I had the conviction that my answer would come one day. After all, I did test my faith in other areas of my life and it worked, so I believed this instance had no reason to be different, so much so that somewhere around 2004/2005, I went as far as designing the invitation for a Christening Brunch I wanted to have when my child was being christened, you get the picture, and guess what, I did use it for my son’s christening in December 2007.

I somehow knew though, especially when my struggles intensified, that I was certainly experiencing some refining fire. I was not the person God intended me to be and so I was being tested, prodded and molded and would come out as good gold.

My faith won out, be it all of a decade long, and now I am having it a little easier putting my faith to work in other areas of my life. Thanks be to God.

Let me encourage you in your struggles then, to put your faith to work. We are all equipped with just the right amount of faith that we need to overcome our circumstances. Hold on even tighter when those feelings to give up come knawing at your heart strings. The saying goes, "when you come to the end of your rope, tie a knot and hold on. Remember too that the darkest hour of the night is just before dawn.

BE ENCOURAGED THEREFORE

Infertility and Friendships

When one of my very good friends became pregnant many years ago, I instantly found that I had pulled away from her. I no longer wanted to be in her company because she now represents what I wanted so badly, to become pregnant, after I had been actively trying for a few years. I had pulled way so much that when she had her baby, I was not one of the first persons to know, in fact, I only knew by the way, that she had had her baby. I was guilt ridden and when I went to the hospital to look for her and her baby, I felt so unworthy of being there. This guilt stayed with me for a while, so much so that when my friend asked me to be her son’s godmother, I refused at first.

Infertility had adverse effects on me and I suffered in silence and alone for the better part of this struggle. I was very relieved when I found someone who was struggling just as I was, not as long as I have been, but just as intense. She was the wife of a very good friend of mine. We began sharing our deep private feelings of wanting to become mothers so much and how we felt victimised and enslaved by this monster, infertility.

Not long afterwards I became pregnant, she was happy for me and said that I had given her hope that she would one day follow. I was so happy to hear this. When I lost the pregnancy at 28 weeks gestational age, she helped me deal with my loss. Shortly after that loss, my family and I migrated and immediately after that I became pregnant with our son. I did not tell her right away, but waited until I felt comfortable enough to give her this news, because I felt that this time around, being my chance at pregnancy, she might not be as happy to hear this news as she was for my first. I called her and we spoke, and somehow I felt what I had suspected would happen, an instant strain on our relationship.  I tried talking to her on a few occasions after that, encouraging her to not quit the infertility fight, but it just did not feel the same.

When I had our son, I called her husband just to say hi and that the baby was here. When I asked to talk to her, she told her husband to tell me that she was in the middle of something and could not come to the phone. A few months later, I extended an invitation to her husband and her, to attend our son’s christening, when I called to confirm if both of them were coming, she told me she was unsure of her attendance, due to prior engagements. I understood, because it was Christmastime, which is usually packed with activities. She did not attend and by then, I had felt it, infertility had its cruel grasp on our relationship, and it was on its way to demise. I felt such sadness and felt so helpless, because as one who understands to a great degree, the negative impact that infertility can have on our lives, I thought I would be able to help my friend continue to coop with her infertility struggles, but I was not able to do anything to help her further and save our relationship, one that I valued so much.  

I did not tell her about the pregnancy with our daughter because I could not bring myself to telling her about me having a second child when she was still struggling to have one. I however extended an invitation to the christening, to her husband and her (out of courtesy, not expecting her to come) which she did not. I have since sent her the link to my blog, but she has not said anything to me, to indicate that she is reading it.

There is another friend I have who has a grown daughter and wants another child. When she learnt that I wanted another child as well, we began talking daily of how our plans were going in this regard. I even said to her, as a joke, on one occasion, not to get pregnant before I do and I won’t get pregnant before her either. Turns out I became pregnant, I told her and she was very happy for me. We continued to interact with each other online where she would enquire with great interest, about my pregnancy. About 5 or 6 months into my pregnancy I noticed I was not getting any forward emails from her, neither was I seeing her online. I tried to go on her facebook page, but it has been discontinued. When the baby came, I could not help but still send her a note via all her email accounts just to see if she would respond. To date, I have heard nothing from her and I am even wondering if she has migrated or something. She gave me her number twice and because I did not log it to my phone right away, I lost it and I feel so bad about this.

I must say that I am terribly saddened that infertility has seemingly robbed me of two relationships that I treasure. I would have wanted very much for these relationships not to become victims of  this dreaded affliction and would have also wanted to be able to stay close to my friends so that they would have hope from just seeing how I persevered and conquered infertility.

Are you dealing with similar challenges in any of your relationships, as a result of infertility? I would like to hear from you.

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JUST WONDERING, DID I HURT HER FEELINGS????

Saturday night was my baby shower. It was lovely and I enjoyed every moment of it.

The first activity we did for the evening was one where all the ladies gave me, new mom advice. I got some great advice, even advice from grandmothers. How privileged am I.

When the activity got to this particular young lady, a very good friend of mine, her advice was, ‘ensure that hubby does his part’ To which, this being my second child, I responded, ‘hubby does alright in that area.’ I could see her discomfort as she quickly said, ‘I know, but I do not have anything else to say.’

The thing is, this young lady is single and has no children. I spent the rest of the evening feeling some discomfort, as I was wondering if I had hurt her feelings. If her feelings were hurt however, she surely did not show it as she continued to take part in the other activities of the night in her usual high spirits, even winning some of the competitions.

Am I too conscious about hurting people when it comes to infertility and childlessness? You see I have found out that even if people do not visibly show that they are hurting for that which comes automatic for some of us, marriage, having children etc., they do hurt, because they themselves say it, given the right circumstances.

Which leads me to ask the question, how comfortable are these individuals at baby showers and christenings, are they secretly wishing that they were never invited?

I love you my friend and I do hope I did not cause you any discomfort.

Your feedback is welcomed.








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My Infertility Story - The Psychological, Social and Emotional effects cont’d.

…..Later on in my struggle, I realized that this was consuming me. I grew tired, so tired and weary of all this as it took so much energy not to go over the edge. I grew tired of hating myself for doing things only because they were the socially acceptable thing to do or that they made others happy……..what about my happiness, I thought.

I could not continue to live like this as I was too miserable and fighting chronic depression and so I decided to start thinking about me, my happiness. After all, my happiness should be priority. So what if there is a baby christening at church today and I do not want to go, I do not have to, and guess what, why should I feel so bad. I do not have to do anything I don’t want to do. At this point I decided that I would have to be brave and make a statement that I would appreciate not being invited to baby showers anymore. This was particularly hard to do as I was usually instrumental in planning these events and so I really had to think carefully about how to convey this message without causing hurt to myself and others. I did and I was surprised that it was taken so well. I thought persons would have said I was selfish but instead they seemed to have understood where I was coming from and they were very accommodating. I felt really empowered after this and I could almost hear myself saying, “thank you.” The knots in my stomach and shoulders suddenly disappeared and I was able to breathe again, smile again and live again.
It felt good, so good. It felt like having hot chocolate on a rainy chilly day. I felt I had accomplished so much by just making that one statement and it was all the more gratifying because now I finally felt that I was on the road to getting my story out in its honest form. This was no small step, this was big indeed, and it was the first of many that I would have to take to sensitize all who are near and dear to me, about my pain, which I was never brave enough to do before.
I believe this was the beginning of my breakthrough, so much so that when we lost our last pregnancy, people became even more aware of what we were going through and was very sympathetic. This loss was really not just mine and my husband’s, it was everybody’s, who was near and dear to us and who watched us silently struggle with infertility for all these years. This I believe was one of things that brought us through this difficult time.
In closing this post, let me re-iterate the point that I believe that your happiness should always take precedence.
Of course you can put yourself behind at times for another person’s happiness, but not always and especially not when it makes you miserable and sad to the point where you do not even know yourself anymore.
No one is obligated to do anything that they would rather not do at a point in time, and others should understand this. Sadly, we usually do not and so we cause each other unnecessary pain and discomfort. Hence, the statement, ‘we are our worst enemies.’
Thanks to infertility, I learnt to say enough is enough and I challenge all of you, my readers who are in the same position at this time, to try this. It is very liberating, it is healing and it can change your perspective of your situation and life on a whole. I learnt to love myself again and I am learning to transfer this and everything else that I have learnt from this struggle into my daily relationship with others. THANKS INFERTILITY!!!!!!.

Do not just take my word for it, read from someone else’s perspective:-
http://www.resolve.org/site/DocServer/06_Family_and_Friends.pdf?docID=5702

Also, infertility can consume you. I am a testimony to that. You can feel so overwhelmed that you are unable to see yourself as anything more that your infertility. I felt that way on numerous occasions and it was worst because I had nothing much left to validate myself on, as I was nowhere where I wanted to be in my career and others areas of my life.
Check this site out, if you are currently in this position, you should find helpful information there. http://iammorethanmyinfertility.wordpress.com/2009/01/23/the-infertility-journey-a-body-mind-approach/