Children are a gift from the Lord; they are a reward from him.
Children born to a young man are like sharp arrows in a warrior’s hand
Psalm 127: 3 & 4
I have been meaning to write this post for some time now, but wanted to take the time to think carefully about what I was going to say, so that I do not cause any discomfort to persons mentioned herein.
My struggles with infertility was made much harder because my mother-in-law was yearning for grandchildren. I was married to her eldest son , who was the only one ready enough to take the plunge into marriage and to subsequently start a family and so it is natural that soon enough, she would be looking forward to his off springs.
When my husband and I made the decision to start our family, we did not know that our decision would be met with the challenges of infertility. As a result of this, we made it known to his mother that we had decided to start a family, so much so that when whenever we suspected we might be pregnant, she was told as well and so, like one happy family, we would anxiously wait on the result of a home pregnancy test, only to be disappointed.
Telling my mother-in-law of our plans to start a family turned out to be a big mistake as our dream was now complicated by infertility and my mother-in-law continued to yearn for grandchildren.
I remember when I told her about our problems with infertility, her response was, all you need is some infertility drugs. I wanted so much to believe that, but deep down I knew we were in for a long difficult road.
As the years passed and our struggles with infertility intensified, my mother-in-law’s yearning for grandchildren also intensified. This became more evident because of comments she would make from time to time that left especially me, feeling that she was not concerned with the emotional trauma that we had to be enduring in this regard, she was only concerned with having grandchildren.
As a result of this, I began resenting her so much. My husband and I were doing everything that we could possibly do to beat infertility and instead of supporting and encouraging us, she only seemed to be concerned with the end result of all this, grandchildren.
Things took a turn for the worst as another son, announced his plans to get married. I had mixed feelings about this, I was happy but on the other hand, I was almost sure that this son would soon provide the grandchildren his mother was so yearning for. Sure enough, that is exactly what happened. Shortly after their marriage, they became pregnant.
I saw my world crumbling before me and all the efforts to provide these precious grandchildren, seemed all in vain. My mother-in-law called to give us the news and sadly I could not hide how I was feeling. I made it through the conversation with her, but she sensed something was wrong and later telephoned to find out what was going on with me. I told her exactly how I was feeling and I even went further to tell her that for all the years we have been struggling with infertility (now about 8), I have been expecting some form of support and validation from her because I had been talking to her on occasions about our treatments etc., and she had sometimes asked. She therefore knew much more than my family knew, and so I thought she owed us even some encouragement, instead of her visible yearnings which at times made me really upset and add insult to injury, she was now calling us with news of her impending grandchild and expecting us to be as happy as she was. Her response to this was that she did not know we were hurting so much. I heard her, but it was a hard pill to swallow, because I believe anyone dealing with painful issues like infertility is going to be hurting and moreso for us who had been struggling for so long. Mind you, I did not tell her how much we were hurting, but I thought it would have been easy for her to automatically think that some amount of pain was involved in this struggle.
Let me say that, she deserves to be happy, because finally she was getting a grandchild that she had been yearning for all these years and an event such as this, should be a happy time for a family. I understood this all too well, but I felt like my husband and I had been kicked to the curb and also felt that all our efforts to have children, was in vain.
This turned into a big conflict and I did not visit or see her for a good couple of months. This was really a difficult time. My family found out about this conflict and I really did not get the support I was looking for from them. In all fairness, they could not have supported me how I really wanted them to, because they did not know that infertility was wreaking havoc on me. I still expected some support though, even for the mere fact that they are my family and they now know about my struggles. Well, Instead my mother told me that it was because of jealousy for my brother-in-law and his wife’s pregnancy, that this conflict was happening. I was saddened to hear this. Sure enough, there was jealousy, because we thought we would have been the ones to give that first grandchild, but this was only a fraction of why I was so upset, I was angry with my mother-in-law because I felt she had not been there for us in our struggles with infertility so far, and now here she was, visibly overjoyed for this pending grandchild and there I was feeling the most barren and empty any woman could ever feel and also feeling like a complete failure.
When I met that family for the first time, I felt like I did not belong because I was from a more simple background . I felt that I was not good enough for their son and struggled with that feeling for a long while. This is why, I felt it was important for me to provide them with grandchildren soon enough, especially in the case of my mother-in-law, ( Grandchildren are a mother-in-law’s pride and joy) so that I could feel a greater sense of belonging.
I am so happy that time took care of this conflict and soon, I was able to visit this precious baby girl and take my place again in this family which has been very good to me. My relationship with my mother-in-law has since been mended and it is better than it has ever been.
This conflict did an amazing thing for our struggles with infertility, because it brought it to our families in a way that we were having difficulties doing and it allowed us to have the support of our families that we so wanted, as they now have a better idea of what it really means to have someone so close to them dealing with so much pain. People whom they love so much but had been cheated out of really being there for them, because they did not share much about what they were really going through, mainly for fear that they would not understand and be capable of dealing with a situation such as this.
My mother-in-law now has two grandchildren, a girl and a boy and she is so happy. I am also happy that at long last, my husband and I were able to give her a grandchild, a boy whom she is so in love with and often says, “now there is someone to carry on the family’s name.” She also had a hand in his care in the first couple weeks of his life, as we sent for her to be a part of this experience that she had yearned for, for so long and she totally enjoyed it. God is so faithful.
This is my story, are there others like this out there. Would you have reacted in the same way I did, when I heard the news of my brother and his wife’s pregnancy and I am wrong to have reacted in this way. Please do not hesitate to give me your comments.
Do remember, if you are currently dealing with a situation such as this, time does heal and if honesty is involved in these conflicts, even though feelings might be hurt initially, a better relationship most times will result, so be encouraged and until next time, keep clinging to hope.
Just a light moment and my intent is only for humor, but did you know that mother-in-law scrambled spells, ‘woman-hitler.’ Bet you it is someone who is having a bad relationship with their mother-in-law that came up with this.
