MONDAY RAMBLINGS – Make Every Moment Count........

Experts say that the best time for women to have children is in their 20’s and a woman’s fertility peaks at the age of 24. I got married at age 25 so oops, time was already not on my side as I missed that peak.

Many of my peers by now, have children in high school, some even in college and some looking to become grandparents. It seem then, that I am among the few still raising young children. I am not disgruntled at all, as anyone who knows my story, should get by now that I am extremely grateful to God for the opportunity of being a mom to two beautiful children, regardless of my age. The only grey area is when I realize that some days I am just not physically able to keep up with them. Then I am reminded of my age and silently wished I was younger, in my 20’s maybe.

Over the past 2 weeks, I have been to 2 funerals, the last one being the hardest, as the deceased, not an old person by any means, learnt she had cancer earlier this year and died, just months afterwards. Her children were broken. It was so hard to watch. The program facilitated a slide show of stills from the deceased pass and as the images of her went by, the ones with her at the weddings of her daughters’  got my attention, which brings me then to the reason for my post. Since I had my children at such an advanced age, how far will I make it into their development. Will I be around for their college years, their graduation, their marriage. Will I be around to welcome my grandchildren. I often do the maths and it is certainly far from encouraging.

The only thing in my power, that I can do, then, is to make every moment with them count, because, after all, that is all we are given at a time. I know though, that even if their dad and I are not around for them for some of their important milestones, an aunt, an uncle or even a friend will, as God will not have it otherwise, as we know that they are indeed gifts to us, straight from his heart.

http://www.fabu-licious.com/Metal-Signs-Wall-Plaques/Vintage-Make-Every-Moment-Count-Hanging-Wall-Sign

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INFERTILITY FACTS, NEWS AND VIEWS: The Power of Love......

Infertility can harm your marriage, there is enough  proof of that. Many couples struggle to have children and often times find themselves struggling to save their marriage as well.

As per my experience, women more often than men, are the ones who end up fighting depression, anxiety, loneliness and all the other symptoms associated with infertility.

I stumbled across this piece of writing by Elizabeth Gilbert , an excerpt from her work, ‘Eat, Pray, Love.’ sometime ago and decided to bookmark it for my blog. I am not sure how I would have used it, since it did not say for sure that this was written about an infertility situation. Nevertheless, I knew from careful reading that it could be used in this context, since I remember myself in this same situation; fighting depression, loneliness and staying up all night crying.

Only a love built on solid foundation can withstand the pangs of infertility. Permit me to introduce to you, such a love.........

"I'm here.
 I love you. 

I don't care if you need to stay up crying all night long,

I will stay with you.

There is nothing you could ever do to lose my love.

I will protect you until you die, 

And after your death, I will still protect you.

I am stronger than depression and I am braver than loneliness

And nothing can ever exhaust me."

                                                  Elizabeth Gilbert - Eat, Pray, Love  

Post image by: http://www.fidson.com/blog-sexual-health/the-agony-of-infertility

GRATEFUL WEDNESAYS – Vessels of honour

It is just disturbing how some of us live our lives, putting up with indignity and dishonor.

The thing is, some of us, sadly find ourselves in situations where it is hard to escape this indignity and dishonor. In a marriage, a spouse is afraid that they are not worthy of the love of someone else and so they stay in the marriage and accept abuse, or they feel they might not be as financially secure in another relationship or marriage. On another note, because someone is being charitable to you, you feel that the way to pay them back is to allow them to take advantage of you, to the point where you think it is only loyal to go over and beyond your capacity for them.

As a child growing up, I had this ritual where I would be the first to get out of bed and I would proceed to do everybody’s chores so that when they got up, the dishes would have been washed, the yard raked and everybody would be so happy they had a kind sister like me. I needed that validation because I felt I was not good enough and felt that I was not loved the way I wanted to be loved. I felt that by playing the elves and the shoemaker, where the elves completed the shoemaker’s shoes as he and his family slept, my family would be inclined to think more of me and love me more. Now I know I was dishonoring myself, engaging in self sabotage, because firstly, I should never be thinking that I was not good enough and secondly, I should not have to go over and beyond for love.

I am grateful then, that I am at a point in my life where, even though someone is being kind to me, I can recognize when I am being used, taken for granted and dishonored. That does not discount the fact that I am eternally grateful for their kindness and would be equally kind to them in a heartbeat, but they are not allowed to take advantage of me because they think they have this right, given what they are doing for me.

We are all vessels of honour, blessed and highly favoured by God and therefore possess the intuition of recognizing either that we are self sabotaging by causing dishonor and indignity on ourselves or we are allowing others to do it to us (because, trust me you can feel it) and we do have the right to put a stop to it.

GRATEFUL WEDNESDAYS – Who or what is your source?

The other day, someone we knew relatively well, committed suicide. What I gather is that, his marriage was his source, and when his wife died almost a year ago, he felt like he just could not go on, on his own and so he took his life. Really sad and this is taking us a while to process.

Which leads me to the question, who or what is your source? It is quite helpful to note that your source should never be temporal, in other words it should never be temporary where it can cut out on you at any time, leaving you to fend for yourself. I am quite thrilled to say then, that the Almighty God is my source, let me also say that this does not mean that we who claim God as our source won’t find ourselves in similar situations like this gentleman. Which really is because, at times we seem to forget, or we become so blinded and overwhelmed by our problems that we try to go it alone. We fly solo.

When I lost our first pregnancy, I romanced the idea of suicide because I just did not think that I could bear this overwhelming pain, which had me so blinded that I really did not think to give it all to God. In fact, he was the first person I took it out on. I was so angry with him and refused to have anything to do with him in the first few days following my lost. How could this God who promised his children good things, allowed such a horrible thing to happen to one of his own, I thought. It was not long before I was feeling even more miserable and helpless and so I felt I had no choice but to put my tail between my legs and crawl back into his embrace, because I realized that no one was able to help me deal with my pain. No husband, no friend, no one.

God took control and I allowed him to heal my broken heart, certainly not instantly but surely gradually and he has since blessed me more abundantly than I could ever ask or imagine. Even more importantly, he is allowing me to use this pain to minister to and help others. What an awesome source to have and I am indeed grateful that I found it.

Let me therefore encourage those of you who are dealing with situations that have left you feeling broken, hopeless and helpless, if you do not know the Almighty God as your source, I challenge you to find him, he stands ready to rid you of your burdens and lead you into quality life everlasting if you will allow him.

Thanks for your indulgence.

FIRST COMES LOVE, THEN COMES MARRIAGE, THEN COMES BABY IN A CARRIAGE?????

image by: http://www.thepersonaldevelopmentguy.com

Even before Catherine and William were married, there have been talks about the babies that they will one day have. I am sure that soon there will be even more of these conversations which will even include some speculations about if whether are not the couple is expecting a royal heir, especially if Kate begins showing signs of being pregnant, like gaining weight etc.

After I was married, these same conversations began. Everyone began asking when will the babies come? My mother even asked me on occasions, when will I pay my husband back for his ring. I guess she sees giving him a child as paying him back for his ring. I was not bothered by these questions at all, why should I, when I had no idea that soon I would be dealing with infertility,which would span most of my productive years.

As my infertility struggles intensified I began dreading these questions to the point where I would get so annoyed at people when they ask. I don’t know if I had the right to be annoyed, but I was. I was annoyed because I was naively thinking that people should at least figure by now, when they saw that no children were showing up, that something could be frustrating our trying to conceive efforts. The questions continued and we began lying, that we were not ready for children. Soon after however, we realised how ridiculous that answer was, when we were by now, years into our marriage and every couple we knew who were married, had children.

These questions can be very devastating for infertile couples to have to deal with, especially if their infertility struggles span years and so I would like to put this out there - this might still sound a bit naive of me, but I know that some of us are quite capable of being this considerate. For all of us who find ourselves asking when those babies will come, when you see that years are passing by and a couple is not producing children, start wondering if something could be frustrating their procreation efforts, this could very well not be the case, as it could also be that they do not want children. If the latter is the case, then many times these couples will not hesitate to tell you this.

After thinking back at how we handled these questions when we were struggling with infertility, I realised that the best answers for infertile couples to give to people when they ask about them having children, is to  say to them politely that, ‘ we will have children when the time is right’ or, ‘it is in God’s hands’. Simple, yet very polite and most of all, these answers remove us from the picture and convey a message of  reliance on a source greater than ourselves, because having children is certainly not at all in our hands. God is the one who ultimately decides if he will allow us the privilege of having them.

In a previous post I did, I spoke about how success comes when we fully let go, and being at a place in our struggles when we can convince ourselves and others that we have indeed let go, is the beginning of reaping the harvest of all the successes in our lives that we so yearn far.

ALL THE VERY BEST

WHEN YOUR MOTHER-IN-LAW WANTS THOSE GRANDBABIES

Children are a gift from the Lord; they are a reward from him.
Children born to a young man are like sharp arrows in a warrior’s hand
Psalm 127: 3 & 4

I have been meaning to write this post for some time now, but wanted to take the time to think carefully about what I was going to say, so that I do not cause any discomfort to persons mentioned herein.

My struggles with infertility was made much harder because my mother-in-law was yearning for grandchildren. I was married to her eldest son , who was the only one ready enough to take the plunge into marriage and to subsequently start a family and so it is natural that soon enough, she would be looking forward to his off springs.

When my husband and I made the decision to start our family, we did not know that our decision would be met with the challenges of infertility. As a result of this, we made it known to his mother that we had decided to start a family, so much so that when whenever we suspected we might be pregnant, she was told as well and so, like one happy family, we would anxiously wait on the result of a home pregnancy test, only to be disappointed.

Telling my mother-in-law of our plans to start a family turned out to be a big mistake as our dream was now complicated by infertility and my mother-in-law continued to yearn for grandchildren.

I remember when I told her about our problems with infertility, her response was, all you need is some infertility drugs. I wanted so much to believe that, but deep down I knew we were in for a long difficult road.

As the years passed and our struggles with infertility intensified, my mother-in-law’s yearning for grandchildren also intensified. This became more evident because of comments she would make from time to time that left especially me, feeling that she was not concerned with the emotional trauma that we had to be enduring in this regard, she was only concerned with having grandchildren.

As a result of this, I began resenting her so much. My husband and I were doing everything that we could possibly do to beat infertility and instead of supporting and encouraging us, she only seemed to be concerned with the end result of all this, grandchildren.

Things took a turn for the worst as another son, announced his plans to get married. I had mixed feelings about this, I was happy but on the other hand, I was almost sure that this son would soon provide the grandchildren his mother was so yearning for. Sure enough, that is exactly what happened. Shortly after their marriage, they became pregnant.

I saw my world crumbling before me and all the efforts to provide these precious grandchildren, seemed all in vain. My mother-in-law called to give us the news and sadly I could not hide how I was feeling. I made it through the conversation with her, but she sensed something was wrong and later telephoned to find out what was going on with me. I told her exactly how I was feeling and I even went further to tell her that for all the years we have been struggling with infertility (now about 8), I have been expecting some form of support and validation from her because I had been talking to her on occasions about our treatments etc., and she had sometimes asked. She therefore knew much more than my family knew, and so I thought she owed us even some encouragement, instead of her visible yearnings which at times made me really upset and add insult to injury, she was now calling us with news of her impending grandchild and expecting us to be as happy as she was. Her response to this was that she did not know we were hurting so much. I heard her, but it was a hard pill to swallow, because I believe anyone dealing with painful issues like infertility is going to be hurting and moreso for us who had been struggling for so long. Mind you, I did not tell her how much we were hurting, but I thought it would have been easy for her to automatically think that some amount of pain was involved in this struggle.

Let me say that, she deserves to be happy, because finally she was getting a grandchild that she had been yearning for all these years and an event such as this, should be a happy time for a family. I understood this all too well, but I felt like my husband and I had been kicked to the curb and also felt that all our efforts to have children, was in vain.

This turned into a big conflict and I did not visit or see her for a good couple of months. This was really a difficult time. My family found out about this conflict and I really did not get the support I was looking for from them. In all fairness, they could not have supported me how I really wanted them to, because they did not know that infertility was wreaking havoc on me. I still expected some support though, even for the mere fact that they are my family and they now know about my struggles. Well, Instead my mother told me that it was because of jealousy for my brother-in-law and his wife’s pregnancy, that this conflict was happening. I was saddened to hear this. Sure enough, there was jealousy, because we thought we would have been the ones to give that first grandchild, but this was only a fraction of why I was so upset, I was angry with my mother-in-law because I felt she had not been there for us in our struggles with infertility so far, and now here she was, visibly overjoyed for this pending grandchild and there I was feeling the most barren and empty any woman could ever feel and also feeling like a complete failure.

When I met that family for the first time, I felt like I did not belong because I was from a more simple background . I felt that I was not good enough for their son and struggled with that feeling for a long while. This is why, I felt it was important for me to provide them with grandchildren soon enough, especially in the case of my mother-in-law, ( Grandchildren are a mother-in-law’s pride and joy) so that I could feel a greater sense of belonging.

I am so happy that time took care of this conflict and soon, I was able to visit this precious baby girl and take my place again in this family which has been very good to me. My relationship with my mother-in-law has since been mended and it is better than it has ever been.

This conflict did an amazing thing for our struggles with infertility, because it brought it to our families in a way that we were having difficulties doing and it allowed us to have the support of our families that we so wanted, as they now have a better idea of what it really means to have someone so close to them dealing with so much pain. People whom they love so much but had been cheated out of really being there for them, because they did not share much about what they were really going through, mainly for fear that they would not understand and be capable of dealing with a situation such as this.

My mother-in-law now has two grandchildren, a girl and a boy and she is so happy. I am also happy that at long last, my husband and I were able to give her a grandchild, a boy whom she is so in love with and often says, “now there is someone to carry on the family’s name.” She also had a hand in his care in the first couple weeks of his life, as we sent for her to be a part of this experience that she had yearned for, for so long and she totally enjoyed it. God is so faithful.

This is my story, are there others like this out there. Would you have reacted in the same way I did, when I heard the news of my brother and his wife’s pregnancy and I am wrong to have reacted in this way. Please do not hesitate to give me your comments.

Do remember, if you are currently dealing with a situation such as this, time does heal and if honesty is involved in these conflicts, even though feelings might be hurt initially, a better relationship most times will result, so be encouraged and until next time, keep clinging to hope.

Just a light moment and my intent is only for humor, but did you know that mother-in-law scrambled spells, ‘woman-hitler.’ Bet you it is someone who is having a bad relationship with their mother-in-law that came up with this.

OOPS, I JUST FOUND OUT MY SPOUSE DOES NOT WANT CHILDREN

Children are a gift from the Lord; they are a reward from him.
Children born to a young man are like sharp arrows in a warrior’s hand
Psalm 127: 3 & 4

The Today Show on NBC has this program entitled ‘Everyone has a story’ where viewers are invited to send in stories of difficult situations in their lives that they have triumphed over. The winner is notified and invited to be on the program, where a special song written especially for their story, is sung for them and they are showered with gifts.

This program was introduced last year and it is back again this year. Last year when I found out about it, I was very excited wondering if there would have been any stories of triumph over infertility which to date, in my opinion, is not given the attention it deserves on the airwaves and so many people who are currently dealing with this condition would be all too happy to hear them. I remember when I was struggling I would have given anything to hear such stories , so that I would know that I was not alone in my struggles and that one day, I would triumph too.

There was no infertility story on this program, but another story did get my attention. It was about a woman whose husband did not want children but sadly she wanted. She was, as a result very sad and depressed about this and went through pretty much all the issues that people suffering with infertility have to deal with.

I am not sure about the details surrounding this issue, if she knew that her husband did not want children before her marriage to him, or if she found out after marriage. This she did not say, but it sure left me wondering.

This is not the first story of this kind that I have heard, as I know of individuals who are currently dealing with this kind of situation in their marriages. Courtship, I believe, is designed to get to know each other inside out before marriage and therefore, if it is done as it should, issues like these should surface so that one can decide whether or not they will take the relationship further into marriage.

This woman had a noticeable subdued nature about her and it left me wondering if whether or not she is in a healthy marriage. Is it that her husband has the final word in the relationship and does not care what she wants, whether or not she wants children? This would be so unfair and would indeed render the marriage very unhealthy, because marriage is about compromise and much slaying of self.

It is hard to imagine someone being subjected to a life without children only because their spouse does not want any. I know of couples who do not want children, but this is a mutual agreement. My heart went out to this woman so much and I am happy she has decided to be a mentor to a deserving child, which seem to have given her life purpose.

My husband and I dated for a good couple of years. I know dating is much shorter these days and can be as short as even a month. A month to me is really short though, but regardless of how much time is given to dating, it should be used as effectively as possible, in getting to know each other.

In our years of dating, we found out so much about each other, that when we got married, we knew each other well enough. We knew what made each other ticked and knew that we both wanted children because, we both loved them so much.

Courtship is the platform that all marriages are built on and so an effective courtship should equal a successful marriage.

Be encouraged therefore and until next time, keep clinging to hope.

Romance, where are you, I did not hear you leave

“Children are a gift from the Lord; they are a reward from him.

Children born to a young man are like sharp arrows in a warrior’s hand.”
Psalm 127: 3 & 4

Over the years that I struggled with infertility, sadly sex became so monotonous and such a chore as I was just so consumed with trying to conceive a child. Sex most times had to be planned around my fertile days, if I ever knew when they were. I did so much charting of my fertile days over that period that I drove myself crazy, which is to be blamed on my PCOS condition.

Everyone knows that planned sex is not necessarily best but that became our regime. I remember on many occasions getting so overwhelmed afterwards that I cried thinking, here goes another month when my hopes would be shattered. Little wonder the romance in our relationship began to fade and we watch helplessly as this happened. I would even vent at times thinking, what is the purpose of sex for us then when it is not doing what it was designed to do, procreate.

I know many couples who are currently battling infertility and those who have battled it, can attest to this, infertility does affect the romance and passion in your relationship. Sadly this can damage your marriage beyond repair as we see evident in couples getting divorced because of this and other issues with infertility.

I was reading another infertility blog and the writer did a post on this same subject with some recommendations for keeping that ‘loving feeling.’ I will share them with you, as I could not have said these better myself:-


“ Plan a date night: Make time to be alone and together, ideally on a weekly basis. Do things that encourage interaction, especially the types of things you enjoyed doing when you first became a couple. Talk about anything that comes to mind EXCEPT money, your jobs, and–you guessed it–fertility!

Plan for nonsexual physical connection: It’s important to start to link up having fun and being together physically. Some great ways to do this are to consider nonsexual physical activities like ballroom dancing, taking a yoga class, working out at the gym–things that make you feel physically good about yourself, and one another.


Plan getaways: There are times when you need to throw caution (and your fertility protocol) to the wind, and just get away. Sometimes a change in scenery can help recharge a relationship. Plan for these breaks–even an overnight can do wonders.”

http://iammorethanmyinfertility.wordpress.com/2009/02/23/infertility-and-sex-a-reminder-of-the-problem/ Feel free to check this blog out, it is very encouraging.

When I was trying to get pregnant, I remember thinking that if we were blessed with a child, I would so happy, so in love with my husband and this child. Everything would be perfect.
Well I am for most of those parts, but you all who have children know how much attention they take and worst if you are in our position, having yearned for a child for so long, you just want to fuss over them and smother them with all the attention possible. The downside to this is, having a relationship that is already strained romantically, gets more complicated when there is a third party (one so special) involved. I am not discouraging anyone, just telling you the facts as they are.


We are using the above recommendations as well even though we are now further along in our struggle. I wish we had this advice earlier on in our struggles but it is not too late to draw on them . It is a work in progress but we have a strong foundation, one built in love and founded in Christ. We wouldn’t want it any other way, not when we have been through so much together and now have so much to be thankful for, and so we know we will be able to bring back that loving feeling.

I hope the same for you too.







Until next time

My Infertility Story - My infertility and my family

Wow, when I was diagnosed with infertility, if anyone told me that talking to my family about it would be so difficult, I would have told them that they were lying. It was one of the hardest part of this jorney for me as I really did not know how difficult it would have been to talk to them, to secure the support that one would need from their family in situations such as this. I thought it would have been easy at least to talk to my husband since he is the closest to me, but sadly this was not the case. It was as my struggle progressed that I realized that I felt embarrassed whenever I thought of sharing my story with my family and became even more embarrassed as time passed, to the point where I just stopped trying. I guess apart from the embarrassment I felt, I just thought that they would just not understand and would probably say things that made me even more upset.

Where my husband is concerned, for a long while he gave me no indication that he was affected by my infertility in anyway and so there were never many opportunities to talk to him about what it was doing to me. As a result of this, on many occasions, I wondered if he really wanted children. The only indication I received was that whenever children were around, they would always gravitate towards him and he seemed very happy as he interacted with them. Children love him a lot. If this was not the case then I would definitely have believed that he did not care too much about having children of his own.
It was only as my yearning intensified and was by that time I believe very obvious to him, (as I was crying all the time and was becoming withdrawn), that I thought, why is it that I am the only one feeling so depressed and miserable, when my husband seem to be going about his normal life with no evidence that he is in any way perturbed by our plight?. It was at this time that I decided to talk to him about it to see exactly where he was psychologically and emotionally. To my surprise, he told me that he is in fact affected by it but because of what I was visibly going through, he did not want to make things worse for me by allowing his yearning to become visible as well. I was really taken by that. I did not know if I was to feel embarrassed for ever doubting that he wanted children, but I did feel embarrassed. There I was being consumed with what was going on with me, that I did not even think that he might just be going through things too that were not visible (from experience I realize that men do deal with issues like these differently). It was then that I realized how strong he was as he was in fact hurting, but unlike me was hurting in private and that takes more than average strength. He was surely my knight in shining armor all this while and I did not even realize it. I was too busy putting him in the ‘dog house’ for not yearning for children out loud as I was. I have not loved him the same since, I love him more.
I am very blessed that my marriage was not affected by my infertility, as there were many occasions where it could have been. I have heard of one such case where a husband just got up and walked out on his marriage because of the stress and strain of infertility and I am pretty sure there are several others.
Thanks firstly to the Grace of God and secondly to a husband whose strength, patience and understanding helped us triumphed even without the help and support of our family and much professional intervention.
Because of this we have been admired by many and have been an encouragement to others who have found themselves in our shoes, and yet to others who just need to know that marriages can in fact still stand the test of time.

Be sure to look out for my next post as I relate the effects of my infertility on the rest of my family. Trust me, you don’t want to miss it!!!!!!