Wow, when I was diagnosed with infertility, if anyone told me that talking to my family about it would be so difficult, I would have told them that they were lying. It was one of the hardest part of this jorney for me as I really did not know how difficult it would have been to talk to them, to secure the support that one would need from their family in situations such as this. I thought it would have been easy at least to talk to my husband since he is the closest to me, but sadly this was not the case. It was as my struggle progressed that I realized that I felt embarrassed whenever I thought of sharing my story with my family and became even more embarrassed as time passed, to the point where I just stopped trying. I guess apart from the embarrassment I felt, I just thought that they would just not understand and would probably say things that made me even more upset.
Where my husband is concerned, for a long while he gave me no indication that he was affected by my infertility in anyway and so there were never many opportunities to talk to him about what it was doing to me. As a result of this, on many occasions, I wondered if he really wanted children. The only indication I received was that whenever children were around, they would always gravitate towards him and he seemed very happy as he interacted with them. Children love him a lot. If this was not the case then I would definitely have believed that he did not care too much about having children of his own.
It was only as my yearning intensified and was by that time I believe very obvious to him, (as I was crying all the time and was becoming withdrawn), that I thought, why is it that I am the only one feeling so depressed and miserable, when my husband seem to be going about his normal life with no evidence that he is in any way perturbed by our plight?. It was at this time that I decided to talk to him about it to see exactly where he was psychologically and emotionally. To my surprise, he told me that he is in fact affected by it but because of what I was visibly going through, he did not want to make things worse for me by allowing his yearning to become visible as well. I was really taken by that. I did not know if I was to feel embarrassed for ever doubting that he wanted children, but I did feel embarrassed. There I was being consumed with what was going on with me, that I did not even think that he might just be going through things too that were not visible (from experience I realize that men do deal with issues like these differently). It was then that I realized how strong he was as he was in fact hurting, but unlike me was hurting in private and that takes more than average strength. He was surely my knight in shining armor all this while and I did not even realize it. I was too busy putting him in the ‘dog house’ for not yearning for children out loud as I was. I have not loved him the same since, I love him more.
I am very blessed that my marriage was not affected by my infertility, as there were many occasions where it could have been. I have heard of one such case where a husband just got up and walked out on his marriage because of the stress and strain of infertility and I am pretty sure there are several others.
Thanks firstly to the Grace of God and secondly to a husband whose strength, patience and understanding helped us triumphed even without the help and support of our family and much professional intervention.
Because of this we have been admired by many and have been an encouragement to others who have found themselves in our shoes, and yet to others who just need to know that marriages can in fact still stand the test of time.
Be sure to look out for my next post as I relate the effects of my infertility on the rest of my family. Trust me, you don’t want to miss it!!!!!!
No comments:
Post a Comment