Infertility comes with its share of psychological, social and emotional effects and I am sure this holds true for any medical condition that one is diagnosed with.
For me, these effects began surfacing about two to three years into my struggle. I realized that I felt uneasy whenever I was around pregnant women and whenever I was around young children, and this uneasiness grew into resentment as the years went by. Sadly this feeling of uneasiness was also present when I was around my pregnant sisters and young children in my family and this made me feel even worse. I love my family but it was very hard not being able to participate in its enlargement and enrichment and so I felt as if I was a betrayal and that I had let down my family. I remember just thinking that eventually I could be the only sibling in my family without children and I could not help but picture myself at the family gatherings being sad and miserable and wanting to be anyplace else but there. At times, even though I was with my family, there was a loneliness deep within the core of my being and it was even worse that I could not bring myself to telling them of this great pain that I was in due to infertility. A few of my family members knew about my struggle, but not in any great detail, because on a whole, I was much too embarrassed to talk about it to anyone.
There were days when I felt as if I could run away to hide in a cave where I would not have to be reminded of my infertility, as it was impossible to go about my normal life without being faced with pregnant women and young children which reminded me so much of my infertility. Even going to my gynecologist caused uneasiness as I would meet upon those very young and fertile pregnant women
I dreaded being invited to children’s birthday parties as I knew that I would be one of the only persons there without children and therefore would feel out of place. After all, how would I be able to take part in a conversation when it is all about children, what adorable thing they did or said recently and how they are getting on in school. It made it no better that the birthday party was for a child in my family, as all parties of that nature caused me great discomfort.
Christmas was especially hard for me and I made a vow that I would not put up a Christmas tree until there was a child in my home, as I felt Christmas was for children. I stuck to that vow even though my friends thought I was crazy.
Mother’s Day was the worst, and many times I felt as if I would just stay home from Church.
I remember one particular Mother’s Day when all the mothers were called out for tokens, I was one of the only ones left in the audience. This moment was just too overwhelming for me and I walked outside and did not return until church had ended.
This struggle with infertility was particularly hard for me because my mother-in-law was yearning for grandchildren as well and so I had to deal with the feeling that she might be thinking, why did my son marry this infertile girl, couldn’t he have found someone who was younger and fertile (I am older than my husband and my mother-in-law did in fact knew the most about my struggle as she recommended me to two of the doctors that I saw).
As a result of this, it was hard for me to be completely myself when I was around her, as I just could not get past the misery and guilt I felt and the yearning that I knew she had for grandchildren. I remember one day I was at home feeling quite guilty and miserable and so I called my mother-in-law and apologized to her for not being able to give her any grandchildren as yet, (can you even imagine that I did that). Well, I did and after that I felt even more miserable.
I soon realized that the friends I had were getting fewer and fewer in number because as soon as they became pregnant I would begin withdrawing from them and as their baby shower approaches, I started trying hard to find some other reason to tell them when I see them afterwards, why I could not have been at their baby shower, other than the fact that I could not attend because I was jealous of the fact they were pregnant. As their baby christening approached, I would go through the same ritual of trying to find some reason not to attend church. I usually attend though but after purchasing something new to wear that would lift my spirits.
For me, these effects began surfacing about two to three years into my struggle. I realized that I felt uneasy whenever I was around pregnant women and whenever I was around young children, and this uneasiness grew into resentment as the years went by. Sadly this feeling of uneasiness was also present when I was around my pregnant sisters and young children in my family and this made me feel even worse. I love my family but it was very hard not being able to participate in its enlargement and enrichment and so I felt as if I was a betrayal and that I had let down my family. I remember just thinking that eventually I could be the only sibling in my family without children and I could not help but picture myself at the family gatherings being sad and miserable and wanting to be anyplace else but there. At times, even though I was with my family, there was a loneliness deep within the core of my being and it was even worse that I could not bring myself to telling them of this great pain that I was in due to infertility. A few of my family members knew about my struggle, but not in any great detail, because on a whole, I was much too embarrassed to talk about it to anyone.
There were days when I felt as if I could run away to hide in a cave where I would not have to be reminded of my infertility, as it was impossible to go about my normal life without being faced with pregnant women and young children which reminded me so much of my infertility. Even going to my gynecologist caused uneasiness as I would meet upon those very young and fertile pregnant women
I dreaded being invited to children’s birthday parties as I knew that I would be one of the only persons there without children and therefore would feel out of place. After all, how would I be able to take part in a conversation when it is all about children, what adorable thing they did or said recently and how they are getting on in school. It made it no better that the birthday party was for a child in my family, as all parties of that nature caused me great discomfort.
Christmas was especially hard for me and I made a vow that I would not put up a Christmas tree until there was a child in my home, as I felt Christmas was for children. I stuck to that vow even though my friends thought I was crazy.
Mother’s Day was the worst, and many times I felt as if I would just stay home from Church.
I remember one particular Mother’s Day when all the mothers were called out for tokens, I was one of the only ones left in the audience. This moment was just too overwhelming for me and I walked outside and did not return until church had ended.
This struggle with infertility was particularly hard for me because my mother-in-law was yearning for grandchildren as well and so I had to deal with the feeling that she might be thinking, why did my son marry this infertile girl, couldn’t he have found someone who was younger and fertile (I am older than my husband and my mother-in-law did in fact knew the most about my struggle as she recommended me to two of the doctors that I saw).
As a result of this, it was hard for me to be completely myself when I was around her, as I just could not get past the misery and guilt I felt and the yearning that I knew she had for grandchildren. I remember one day I was at home feeling quite guilty and miserable and so I called my mother-in-law and apologized to her for not being able to give her any grandchildren as yet, (can you even imagine that I did that). Well, I did and after that I felt even more miserable.
I soon realized that the friends I had were getting fewer and fewer in number because as soon as they became pregnant I would begin withdrawing from them and as their baby shower approaches, I started trying hard to find some other reason to tell them when I see them afterwards, why I could not have been at their baby shower, other than the fact that I could not attend because I was jealous of the fact they were pregnant. As their baby christening approached, I would go through the same ritual of trying to find some reason not to attend church. I usually attend though but after purchasing something new to wear that would lift my spirits.
I was struggling with infertility alone and I was dying a lonely painful death. I did not even trust my best friends for fear they would simply not understand. In fact I did not trust anyone who was not experiencing infertility and so that eliminated almost everybody that I was close to. One of my doctors even referred me to a support group, but I thought to myself, who am I kidding, I am not in the least bit ready yet to declare that I do not have this thing under control. I am still in battle and I have all intentions of winning and so, I'll postpone support groups and all that good stuff until later when I'll need them more.
I soon realised however that this struggle was consuming me. I grew tired, so tired and weary of the emotional rollercoaster ride, as it took so much energy out of me to not go over the edge. I grew tired of hating myself for doing things only because they were the socially acceptable thing to do or that they made others happy……..what about my happiness, I thought.
Be sure to catch the next post as I relate how I eventually broke free from all this toxic drama. This I am sure could help you my readers who are currently at this point in your experience.
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