Supporting a friend struggling with infertility

“Children are a gift from the Lord; they are a reward from him.

Children born to a young man are like sharp arrows in a warrior’s hand.”
Psalm 127: 3 & 4

I am sure many of us have a friend or have friends who are currently struggling with infertility or have had miscarriages (as miscarriages are most times part of the process) and at times do not know how to be there for these individuals. This is indeed a very difficult situation to be in, as per my experience.

When I had my son, I thought that just for the mere fact that I had triumphed over infertility, it would be easy to support and encourage these persons that one day they could too. I soon realized that this did not make it any easier. There are times when I wanted to just give these persons a call or send an email but soon realized that it was not as easy as I thought. First of all, just wondering if these persons would want to hear from me at this particular time because maybe today they are so distressed and discouraged, that they would rather not engage in any conversation of the sorts. I remember having a conversation with one such friend whom I told that I think about her many days and would want to give her a call, but just could not because of these reasons. She re-iterated this and added that some people just do not understand. To which I responded well, I am one who understands very well having been in like situations where I just did not want to talk about my struggles. Let me hasten to mention that infertiles do have a common tendency to shut others out, so that is very often the reason that it is so hard to be there for them.

In the case of being there for a friend who had a miscarriage, I had my first taste of this in late 2007 and it took me a long time to actually make the phone call to this person. This happened again last year with another friend and I also had a hard time putting together an email to send to her. Another of my friends had to encourage me. She said you can do it, only you know exactly what this person is feeling, so use that as your source. I was soon after able to construct the email but still felt I had not done justice to my friend. Afterwards I started processing things and asked myself why was it so hard to reach out to these friends, then I remember that when I was struggling with infertility, someone recommended that I had a talk with a young lady who had struggled to have a child for three years so that she could offer me encouragement. I just could not bring myself to doing this, as the young lady was now very pregnant and by then I was finding it very difficult to be around pregnant women. Also she had only been struggling for three years and I was struggling for much over that and so I felt that she could not in the least bit understood what I was really going through at this point in my struggle. Let me say that I did promised myself that I would not seek encouragement and support from anyone unless they had been in my shoes, and she had, but sadly she still did not qualify. What I am really saying here then, is that I was afraid that my friend would refuse my encouragement because I was the one who recently had the healthy baby and even though I was the best person to encourage her at this time, having been in her shoes more than once, but I was afraid I simply might not not qualify.

Thank goodness for my blog, as this is where I seek to encourage and support my friends, as some of my posts are deliberately geared at the infertility issues that they face.
For others of you who do not have a blog I would recommend that you stay in touch as much as you can but try not to be the one to bring up the infertility issues that your friends face, let them bring them up in conversations. Some might not because this is a very sensitive and private issue but some probably will, depending on where in their struggle they are. Use that opportunity as much as you can to do your encouraging and supporting.

I would also recommend that if you have children, be mindful that your friends are still struggling to have and when you plan your activities which include kids, e.g. birthday parties, do not expect too much from your friends as sometimes they would rather not have anything to do with these events and very often struggle with actually turning up. I remember a friend of mine asked me to help with the preparation of food for her son’s (my godson’s) birthday party which I did. She also invited me to attend the party which was held at his school. That was one of my good days because I was moved for the fact that she chose to include me in such a tangible way and I thoroughly enjoyed being there, but I also know that if it was one of my bad day’s I probably would have declined the invitation and probably would have thought that she was insensitive to put me through all of that, when she knew of my struggles. Don't get me wrong, I know my friend's intentions were all good, and as her son's godmother I know she wants me to be involved in his life as much as possible but even in that case, sadly there were days that were so bad that I could not even be objective about that. This is indeed a very difficult situation to be in, and I know I could also have been on the other side as well, because life is unpredictable.

I also recommend that you try not to talk too much about your kids when you are around your friends, (I know this is very difficult) but try nevertheless as this is only a reminder that they cannot contribute to such conversations in any real way.

For those who have had miscarriages, be there as much as you can, but give them their time to grieve. Do not tell them it is time that they get over it. I had similar experience and I know that this came from the kindest place in this person's heart, but it did cause me some discomfort because I strongly believe only you should decide when to stop grieving and move on.

I must re-iterate, this is difficult because with infertility we are all in over our heads most times, both we who suffer and the others who must co-exist with us. Most times, people's intention are good, but you must protect your feelings because no one else will, and a relationship can only be healthy if you are able to let people know when they are causing you any discomfort. I considered it a daunting task when I had to tell the president of the women's group at my church that I do not wish to take part in the planning of anymore baby showers for members and I was so encouraged and moved when she conveyed it to the other women and they understood so readily. You should try this, it can be daunting at first but afterwards you do feel lighter and that makes it so worth it.

Check this site out, it should be very helpful in this regard:- http://www.onceuponalife.com/forums/archive/index.php/t-17994.html

Excerpt from site

Theresa
May 21st, 2005, 11:54 AM
“First, I want to say that I'm sorry that ANYONE suffers infertility. It really just doesn't seem fair. My best friend has been TTC (Trying to conceive) for 1.5 years and just finished her 2nd round of Clomid. She had a pg test yesterday. I'm assuming that since she hasn't called it was negative. Anyway, I just don't know how to help her any more. She's just totally shutting me out. She keeps throwing it back in my face that I don't know what she's going through because I've never been through it. (I do have 2 children, but the first one took almost a year to concieve. It's not like I just got pg on a whim or something.) That just breaks my heart. I keep wanting to reach out to her, but she won't let me. The fact that she hasn't called after her pg test is also breaking my heart. She's my best friend and I SO want to reach out to her, but I don't know how. :cry: So, my question is: What do you want from you friends at this point? I want to reach out, but not if she doesn't want me to, kwim? Any help/advice would be appreciated.For the record: We've been best friends for about 16 years and she's more like a sister to me than just a friend. I hope that all made sense. :silly:”

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