Can you believe the ‘Octopulet Mom’??????

I was not going to say anything about this issue as I think it has now become redundant, but everyday something new comes up and so it continues to be in the news. You must by now have heard of the ‘Octopulet Mom,’ she already has six children via Invitro-Fertilization and went back for more, got eight and so now she has fourteen, while some women are hoping that their IVF would just work, even once.

My heart goes out to women who cannot have children, those who are frustratingly trying and those who want just one more so that their only one can have company to grow up with. These women I am quite sure are financially able to take care of children, mind you maybe not fourteen, but the amount that they desire to have, and are robbed of this opportunity. While women, like Nadya are allowed to have so many and is in no way able to take care of them. I understand that her doctor is under fire for implanting so many embryos, as it is illegal altogether or illegal in some states.

You cannot help but wonder why good things happen to bad people. I term Nadya bad people because she has made some bad decisions and does not seem to have any remorse, as she desperately tries to rationalize the reason for her actions, which she said is because she is an only child, she feels she must have a lot of children. By all means have them, but if you can take care of them. This woman is a single mom, has no job and will soon have no place to live because she is behind on her mortgage.

I heard that she has been offered a roll in a pornographic movie so if she decide to accept it then I guess that is her way of seeking to take care of her children, since she has refused help that was offered to her. The problem with that though is that it will certainly further mess us these children when they learn that their mom is involved in things of that nature.

I once had very low tolerance for some of the shows on television featuring families with a lot of children. The difference with these though, are that they actually get compensation for these shows and so they are able to live comfortably. John and Kate Plus 8 I am alright with, as this couple previously had twins and went back for just one more and got six. Before I had my son, I could not watch these shows as they would just make me more sad, angry and depressed. Now I am able to watch some of them and I marvel at how they keep things together.

I want to say to my readers who are childless because of infertility, do not let women like Nadya cause you to lose focus. Pray for her, she sure needs it and pray that people’s heart will open up to these children and give them the help they need and the Mom will see it necessary to accept this help.

I continue to pray for you in your efforts to have a family. Catch up with you next post.

Uterine Fibroids and Fertility

It breaks my heart when persons who are diagnosed with uterine fibroids do surgery with hopes of being able to have children afterwards and then they are faced with the issue of scar tissue, resulting from the surgery, which now makes having children even more difficult or impossible.

Sometime ago I was hearing of drugs that could be taken to shrink fibroids but people are still doing sugery for fibroids. Upon research, I came across a promotion, claiming to have a potent systemic enzyme formula to dissolve fibrin, the material of all fibroids and scar tissue, and a drug, Neprinol claiming to be able to shrink fibroids.
For information on the potent formula, please check the following link:-
http://shrinkfibroidsfast.smmsite.com/compose_customer_web_site.php?smmDomain=ShrinkFibroidsFast.smmsite.com&smmAdID=16412

The drug Neprinol – from the article:-
“The enzymes in Neprinol work swiftly to break apart fibroids, improve circulation, stimulate the immune system, and reduce inflammation. Neprinol's two foremost ingredients (Serrapeptase and Nattokinase) help remove fibroids by dissolving the fibrous part of the fibroid tumor. Clinical studies have shown that Serrapeptase and Nattokinase work fast and effectively to dissolve fibrin safely with no adverse side effects. Neprinol is extremely effective at removing toxins from the bloodstream, and then helping to pass the emulsified fibrous tissue.”
Please visit site for more information:-
http://www.enzymus.com/fibroids?OVRAW=fibroids%20and%20scar%20tissue&OVKEY=fibroids&OVMTC=advanced&OVADID=39705793011&OVKWID=10583462511
I am not sure how available worldwide the drug Neprinol is, but it does not hurt to check it out. I checked out everything even if in the end it did not help me at all. I was satisfied enough knowing that the opportunity did not pass me by. These options would be good for persons with fibroids who are contemplating surgery, seeing that the possibility of scar tissue is high, it would be great to have the option of using drugs to dissolve the fibroids instead.

The formula claiming to dissolve fibrin, the material of all fibroids and scar tissue caught my attention because this could certainly help all those dealing with the issue of scar tissue at the moment. Since it makes no sense to do surgery to remove scar tissue as another scar would only be formed, then dissolving the scar tissue itself would definitely be the best option.

My Infertility Story – C O N C L U S I O N

You have now read my story and normally I would have said, I hope you are encouraged, but I know you have in fact been encouraged, as I have heard from some you.

Part of the reason why I decided to put my story out via blogging was because I knew I would be able to offer encouragement to those who are struggling with infertility in a way that few probably can, having struggled for over a decade (twelve years exactly) and in such an incredibly difficult way. I am still to hear of someone who has struggled for as long as we did. I have heard of persons struggling for up to six years but none over a decade so far. I remember my mother-in-law was offering encouragement to a co-worker of hers who has been struggling with infertility. She told her how long it took us to finally have our baby, and the person responded, "am I to sit around and wait that long?" If someone told us that we would have had to sit around for that long, I would have said the same thing to them because it is really a difficult thing to have to do.

We who have struggled and those who are currently struggling with infertility are connected in a way that few could ever understand, and even though we maybe worlds apart, it is comforting to know that with the use of technology, we can read each other stories and find comfort in knowing that we are not alone, we struggle in the same way. We might not be connected by blood, but we are certainly connected in tears, in yearning, in shattered dreams and in hope that one day infertility will just be something we once struggled with.

Those of you who have read my story and did not know much about infertility and how it affects us who struggle with it, I am sure now has a clearer picture and can empathize with those you know who are currently on this journey. During my time of struggle I was judged by some and sadly these persons do have children and therefore could not possibly understand the pain associated with struggling with infertility. I remember one comment someone made, and every time I remember it, it breaks my heart all over again. The comment is, I have walked off my job because of trying to have a child and is stressing out my husband. Clearly this person does not understand how this thing can consume you to the point where you are not able to function normally. She also knows nothing about my struggles and I am hoping that she will access my story so that she can understand and feel sorry that she ever judged me in that way.

Finally, I hate to sound like a scratch record, but that is what my blog is set up to do, to encourage and give hope to you struggling with infertility. Therefore, I want to say, do not give up hope. Do everything in your power to beat this. It is said that when you have done your best, angels in heaven cannot do more, so fight on and remember, as I have said before, if you have exhausted all your other options, then adoption can be considered. Adoption can even be considered if you have not yet exhausted all your options and can afford to. Persons have done this and still go on to having their biological child, as the body now becomes more relaxed as that yearning ceases for the time being, therefore causing pregnancy to be achieved.

Thanks for taking time out to read my story and do join me as I continue to offer encouragement and hope and information geared at helping you with your struggle, through this blog.

DO REMEMBER, WE DID IT, SO YOU CAN DO IT TOO!!!!!!!!

My Infertility Story – Our triumph

As promised, meet our miracle baby, Theodore Ronald Norris Price. You might be wondering why the many names and why are they so strong. Well, Theodore means ‘gift of God’. Ronald is my father’s name and Norris, my husband’s father’s name. Our families came together for us in so much support and prayers during the pregnancy and so we saw it fit to honor them by giving our son the names of the patriarchs. Whenever we think of our son’s names, it is definitely a reminder of this and so we will never forget.

When we took Theodore home from the maternity home, I laid him down in the playpen and remember feeling so terrified as I did not know what next to do. I was so scared I would break him or something and so I just quickly put him down. I thought all the experience of babysitting my neighbors' children and my niece and nephews would count for something. Thanks to my mother-in-law, she supported us in such an amazing way and I drew heavily on her experience, having raised four boys and so in no time I jumped right in and did what every mother does naturally, take care of her baby. I also knew I had to get it right quickly as the rest of the world was waiting to meet our miracle baby.

I remember a few days after I had taken him home, I had just breastfed him and felt so overcome with joy that I began to cry. I was crying first out of joy and then I was crying for all women who are yearning for this great privilege and those who will never have it. Yes, I was crying for all of you, my readers experiencing infertility, as no woman should have to be sentenced (outside of their will) to a life of never experiencing a pregnancy, and so is never able to feel the emotions involved in staring in the face of a satisfied child after he has been breastfed. Or experience the intimacy of just holding your child, a child that came from your loins, someone so intimately connected to you, for all eternity.

Our son is now twenty months old and he is way ahead of his age. He is so helpful. In the mornings, he climbs on the back of the sofa and open the windows. Mind you those windows are intricate to open, but he manages to do it. His father usually lift him up to the chain for the ceiling fans and with instructions from him, he would pull on each of them and turn them on. I have since banned him from opening them though as he broke one and we had to get an electrician to fix it. He even helps us to pack out groceries but we have to watch him as he helps himself to stuff, my tomatoes does not stand a chance, he bites into them through the packaging. So you see, he actually has chores already and looks forward to doing them, well at least for now because I know when he is older, like every child, he will not want to do his chores. We have started encouraging him already by applauding his efforts so we hope that will encourage him to continue to want to help out in his little way around the house. Bless his little heart.

He loves turning on and off the television and changing channels etc., one day he went to turn it on and realized that it was not coming on. To my astonishment, he turned and looked up at the ceiling fan. Electricity was in fact gone and I was so amazed to see how he was able to actually figure that out and walked away from the television.

He is so daring and full of life, sometimes I wonder if we are enough to keep him safe, but as my mother-in-law remarked when I told her he had fallen off the bed before I could reach him, “God keeps them safe, he raises up the floor to them when they fall.” I believe that very much and I take comfort in it.

His favorite television shows are, Hi-5 and Mister Maker on Discovery Kids and The Ellen Degeneress Show and the game show, Deal or no Deal on NBC. He likes the Ellen show because he likes to dance. For Deal or no Deal, he likes when the participants say, “No Deal” he actually imitates them and it is such a precious moment to watch.

He is also a good footballer. He kicks with such force and precision. We see the World Cup in his future.

At nights, when he wants to sleep, he finds me and pull me to cuddle with him until he falls asleep and any night I do not get to do it, I feel so cheated, so disappointed, as I actually look forward to it. One day I said to him, do you know how special you are? I was certainly not expecting what I heard next, he said, ‘mm mm.’ I was astonished to say the least, it was so dead on, that I thought he actually understood what I was saying.

Last April I took him to daycare because I was starting a job. The Friday evening of the first week of the job I went to pick him up as usual and the lady at the daycare told me he had a slight fever and we are to watch it. I did not take it for anything, I thought he was just teething. Later that evening, the fever intensified and so we gave him some children’s panadol. This took the fever down but we realized that as soon as the medication wore off, the fever came back. It continued like that for the rest of the weekend. This was truly a difficult weekend, this being our first encounter with him being sick. I tried to remain calm for my husband who was terrified but inside, I too was terrified. We took him to the doctor the Monday morning and he was diagnosed with tonsillitis. I was so taken aback, as I thought that tonsillitis only affected bigger children and adults. He received medication but the fever still continued and so I called the doctor and ask him if this fever should not be checking by now. He said it will run its course for three days after he began the medication. I was relieved but three days was really too long to see him sick. He was just too vibrant and full of life to just lie there so listless, so sick. I could not take it, I broke down because I missed him, I missed his vibrancy and I was just not accustomed to seeing him so sick. He got better by the end of the week and I was so happy to have my healthy baby boy again. I had to sacrifice my job to stay home with him though, but I am alright with that, my child that I pulled from God's firm grip, comes first.

He became sick again a couple months ago and I prayed that it did not turn out to be like the last one. God seem to have answered my prayers, as the fever went away on its own soon after. I was relieved. I ask God to keep him well but I know this is not really possible because children do touch dirty things and pick up all kinds of germs and so this is indeed part of the package.

It is such a joy to wake up in the mornings and hear him trying to wake up and having conversations with himself. Especially on weekends, it is really a special moment to put him in the bed with us in the mornings and have him entertain us. We do enjoy the blessings of those moments.

As I said in previous post, I wonder very often these days, if God ever intended for me to have children of my own, given the difficult time I had. That I will never know. One thing I know however, is that I am eternally grateful to him, whether I forced his hands or not and this is something I will never take for granted. I will do everything I can to be a mother who is always there for her children, one who listens, one who instills the appropriate discipline and still be their greatest cheerleader and most of all one who is ever grateful, so grateful for this opportunity.



Join me in my next post for the conclusion of my infertility story.

My Infertility Story – Our triumph cont'd.

The pregnancy, from the time we saw the positive result, was packed with stress and anxiety because even though we were feeling blessed and had accepted it as God’s doing, being human as I am, could not shake the feeling that I would again suffer another miscarriage……

I remember telling one of my friends back home how afraid I was, and it is like God spoke through her to me. She said, “girl, God would never put you through that again.” I believed and that was what I held on to throughout the entire pregnancy.

When I was in the fourth month of my pregnancy, I was sent to do an anomaly scan, to check if the baby was developing properly. As the day of my appointment approached, I became more and more terrified. I was so relieved when the day finally came and the doctor proceeded to do the scan and was ticking off everything for the baby that was developing well. His heart rate was so strong that he even remarked that he was not expecting such a strong heart rate at this stage. We were overjoyed we started calling our families to tell them the good news, it did not matter the costs of the phone calls, we were just so happy. I knew our triumph was on the way, I could feel it.

Even though we knew our baby was developing well my anxieties still continued as the pregnancy was difficult. I had severe cramping, light bleeding, luckily not the dangerous one, and infections. I had too much amniotic fluid which could prove detrimental for the baby. I also had a low placenta which could cause severe bleeding at delivery if a vaginal birth is attempted. It caused me even more anxiety when someone remarked that I looked as if I was ready for delivery, when I was nowhere near my due date.

At times I even felt like I was in premature labor as my stomach would stiff up so badly. I remember one instance I felt so afraid I called my doctor and told her what I was experiencing and she prescribed some medication to ease the cramping and stiffening a bit. She also suggested bed rest.

My total weight gain for this entire pregnancy was 23 pounds, yes you hear right 23 pounds, and that is the minimum requirement for a pregnancy. I was putting on weight so slowly that I thought my baby was not growing. I felt constantly bloated and even though I was hungry as soon as I started eating I felt full instantly and this was happening from the very beginning of my pregnancy. I told one of the midwives about this problem and she said it could be because I was having dairy milk along with iron that I was on. I changed from dairy milk to rice milk but did not feel much different. I was so terrified each month when I weighed and I had only put on 2 or 3 lbs. My doctor advised though that I should not worry and I should be lucky that at the end of the pregnancy I will not have too much weight to lose. I was not comforted by this at all, I needed to know is that my baby was alright. Someone even mentioned that I looked small for my dates and that depressed me for days.

About two weeks before my due date, my doctor realized that the baby was in breech position. She was not amused, I was not too as I was not looking forward to a C-section and plus I would have to spend so much more money for that. A few days before my due date I went in to check the position of the baby and to our delight, he was now in the correct position for a vaginal birth. I was so overjoyed, I started making plans for the money I would save.

As the week of my due date approached, my doctor told me that if I felt any form of cramping I should come in to be checked out. I felt the cramping and so I went in. When the midwife proceeded to examine me, I found that she was squeezing and squeezing my stomach. This felt a bit odd and soon after she remarked that she could not feel my baby. I turned pale, whatever does she mean, I thought, this is now a full term baby and should be big enough for her to feel. I was confused, my fears were about to come true, my baby probably had not developed to full size. She then remarked that it could be that my stomach was tense. I accepted that, I had no choice I had to accept that as I refuse to be told anything more detrimental.
I was sent home and hardly slept a wink that night. I still felt slight movements from the baby and so I was comforted that he was in fact there, of course, where else could he be. I did not hear him leave.

My due date arrived, labor had not started but no problem I would be induced. Induction was not successful at all, the contractions came but they did not pick up as the baby was still high up into my pelvis. I walked, I bounced, I took warm showers and nothing happened. I was feeling like a turkey being prepared for the Thanksgiving table and was so sore from all the examinations to see the position of the baby. I felt so tired and frustrated I remember I began to cry but quickly stopped as I did not want to cause the baby any undue stress. Luckily though throughout this all, his heart rate was still strong. Only dropping a beat or two at times and this was very reassuring.

I remember after an examination, I just said in frustration to the midwife, I have had enough, call the doctor and ask her to come prepared with her C-section team, this baby needs to come out now. I was so terrified that something bad was going to happen and to make matters worse, we had flown my mother-in-law in to be with us for this and the last thing I wanted was for anything to go wrong and she be witness to it.
The next morning I woke up, hardly remembering what had transpired the night before. Everything seemed so normal, all the drugs had worn out of my system and I was feeling as if I was not even there to have a baby.

The afternoon came and I was prepared for surgery. All I remember was that I felt so disappointed when I heard the midwife say to my husband that he is not allowed into the Operating Room as it was a sterile environment. I was however not disappointed for long as I slowly began to drift off into unconsciousness.

When I woke from surgery, I remember asking for my husband. This was premeditated as I thought that when I saw my husband’s face then I would know if everything was alright with our baby. My mother-in-law, hearing me, thought I was asking for the baby and proceeded to present him to me. I reached out and touched his little feet and whispered a thank you prayer to God. Our baby was alright or else he would not have been in our possession. All my plans of embracing him and crying tears of joy and triumph when he was presented to me, went through the window. That touch, that simple touch was enough at the moment, as I was still weak from surgery and suffering from a fever as well and I was now sure that my struggles with infertility was behind me.

Our triumph had come, weighting seven pounds exactly (God’s perfect number), and the seventh grandchild for my parents, born on Saturday June 16, 2007 at 1:15 p.m., a beautiful, perfect and healthy baby boy. I was later diagnosed with a narrow pelvis as that was the reason why the baby was not assuming a position for a vaginal birth. This was indeed a fight to the finish, but a fight that was so worth it.

Just a thought that came to me recently, I wonder if it was in God's plan for me to bear children, as I had so much working against me. I must have forced his hand then...mmm.

Quite a mouthful I might say. Hope I did not bore you. Please join me in my next post as I introduce you to our miracle baby, up close and personal.

My Infertility Story – Our triumph

As promised, here is the triumphant part of our story which I am so excited to tell.

Our triumph came, after more than a decade long of struggling with infertility, our triumph came and we were elated……..

We had just relocated from our home country and we were busy settling in to what would now be our new home. I was preoccupied with trying to secure a job and my husband was settling into his new job. There were no immediate plans to resume trying to get pregnant as yet, as we wanted to be settled into our new environment enough to take this next step and I was still allowing my body to recover from my last miscarriage. Our plans were not to be delayed for too long though as we were encouraged by one of our doctors to try to become pregnant by the end of that year, given my issue with age, and this was September. We were however oblivious to what was about to unfold that would change our lives forever.

I was expecting my period as usual that month and it had not shown up as yet. I did not take it for anything as I just thought I was experiencing anxiety with everything new that was happening to me. Days passed and still no period showed up and I started to feel a little nausea and some fatigue. I still thought I just had nervous stomach. The symptoms intensified and we decided to do a pregnancy test. There was no great hurry as we really were not expecting anything and was also not in any mood for any more disappointments. We did the test, quite timely I might add, and left it on the nightstand. As we re-entered the room to check the results, we realized that we could see the positive result from the door, (yes it was that bright, it’s like it was screaming at us, ‘you guys are pregnant, hip, hip hooray’).

We were dumbstruck at first as we were thinking, wow, this is certainly not the right time for us but were also elated because with our struggles, we did not want to give up on any opportunity to be excited about being pregnant, plus given our long struggle with infertility, we have no right saying this was not the right time, how dare us. We then began to get into pregnancy mode. I was scared at first not knowing any doctors or hospitals as yet and so I took the telephone directory and began to randomly call around to get information. It turns out no one wanted to give me any information, they wanted me to make an appointment and come in to see them and I did not want that, not just yet, I just wanted to check them out so that I can choose the best place for my prenatal care and the delivery of our child.

I remember getting so frustrated I called my friend back home and told her I was pregnant and think I might just come back home. Of course she gave me a dose of reality check and advised me against it. Fortunately, soon afterwards, we were recommended to a maternity centre and luck was on our side. We found a doctor and staff that made us feel so at home almost immediately. After that we knew without a doubt that this pregnancy was God’s doing and we had no choice but to embrace this great blessing as our timing surely by no means is His.

The pregnancy, from the time we saw the positive result, was packed with stress and anxiety because even though were feeling blessed and had accepted it as God’s doing, being human as I am, I could not shake the feeling that I would again suffer another miscarriage……

Join me in my next post as I relate how we made it through the longest and most stressful pregnancy ever

HAPPY VALENTINE’S DAY!!!!!!!

Valentine’s Day has taken on new meaning for me since the birth of our son almost two years ago. It is such a beautiful experience as I am now experiencing a love unlike any other that I have experienced before. It’s the love for a child, bone of my bone, flesh of my flesh, a love that is so full, so complete and so unconditional. This gives me so much joy and I am much happier, more fulfilled and feel eternally blessed.

I believe it is indeed love that made this all possible and I cannot think of a better day than Valentine’s Day to say this. It was said that our daughter gave her life so that her other sibling/s might live. She purified my body of all the toxins brought on by my struggle with infertility. The stress, the depression, the fertility drugs and miscarriages. At first it was hard for me to see it this way, as I could not come to terms with the fact that someone so innocent, so pure and precious could be sacrificed in such a cruel way. It was only when I was presented with my beautiful healthy son, then and only then did I embrace the fact that this is indeed so. My delivery was difficult, yet he was resilient through it all. More resilient than I was, as I came down with a fever. Our daughter was watching over him. Our daughter gave her life without even knowing it, (and that’s the beauty of it), so that her brother could live. WHAT GREAT LOVE. That is why she is in heaven with the one who did it first for us all, gave his life so that we all can live.

I believe our daughter is watching over us and she lives through her brother, as one child could not be so smart, so innocent, so daring, so full of life, such a blessing to have.

We are not able to do anything fancy this Valentine’s Day because of the global economic crisis. I am quite alright with that because I have the two special men in my life and it does not matter if we go out or stay home. We still have a love that binds us all together, the love of family, to celebrate and that can be done without money.

Last year we decided to go out and took our son with us. Why we did this was because we found that he loved his car seat and when we took him out he would just sit in it very quietly and look around. We decided to brave it and take him with us to have dinner. He was quite alright, checking out the scenery and seemed quite happy with himself and so we proceeded to having our dinner, and thinking that we have the best son in the world. A couple minutes into dinner, lo and behold he started fussing, luckily a waitress was available and so she took him while we finished our dinner. Flushed with embarrassment, I finished my dinner, not even tasting it anymore (to think that it costs us so much and I was not enjoying it anymore). We finished our dinner, paid the tab and left quickly, vowing that we would find a babysitter next time. OH THE JOYS OF PARENTHOOD.

To all of you struggling with infertility and holding out hope that one Valentine’s Day you will be able to experience love of this kind. I cannot say it enough, DO NOT GIVE UP, keep on doing what you are doing and one day, your efforts will I am sure be rewarded. In the mean time for Valentine’s Day, you could do something special for another child, a needy child perhaps. You’ll feel so good about yourself and that will put a better perspective on Valentine’s Day for you.

AGAIN, HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY

My Infertility Story – Dealing with miscarriages cont'd.

As promised, here are some tips for picking up the pieces and moving on after a miscarriage or miscarriages, for you my readers who find yourselves in this position:-

Your miscarriage/s could be recently or a while now, but the point is, you never get over them and its worst if you have not had subsequent successful pregnancies, to take some of the focus off those that you have lost. If we were not blessed to have had our son a year after we lost our daughter, then I am scared to even think how I would be feeling now.

• With that said, what I want to say to persons dealing with miscarriages, is to grieve in your own way. Do not let anyone tell you how to grieve and when to stop grieving and move on. This is all up to you, or else you’ll find that you are not able to pick up the pieces and move on at all. I remember during my grief period, I took some time off from going out socially, as I did not think I would have been able to coop with normal life as it were. After a while, a friend said to me, Annetta, it is now time to come back out. I knew she meant well and I figured it was because I was missed, especially at Church, but I was upset as I felt it was not up to her to tell me when to move on.
• You also must cry, crying is good when nothing else can comfort you. After a good cry, you are left with enough energy to make it to the next cry. It is like a rest stop, it rejuvenates and gives you the resolve to forge ahead.
  You also need a support base. My family and friends were there for me in such an amazing way. My husband was phenomenal. Even my doctor was there for me too, he even called me on Mother’s Day, which was the next month. I was so touched by this. Grief of this kind, you cannot handle alone.
• Chances are you are feeling angry and betrayed by God. This is normal, as I felt that way too. Thanks to Dr. Dobson, his book “when God does not make sense,” puts it all in perspective for me. Just to reiterate what he is saying, we do not know why bad things befall us and it is not that we are targeted either. That’s just how life is. Why did my best friend have to die so tragically, or why is it your mother who is diagnosed with cancer, or why am I the only one out of five sisters to be diagnosed with infertility or the only child out of seven to get my father’s stuttering. No one knows, and the sooner we make peace with this, it will save us the energy we use to be angry with God so that we can channel that energy into picking up the pieces and moving on.
• You might also be having suicidal thoughts. This seem normal as I had them too and others I know of. My opinion with suicidal thoughts is that for some, they are just co-oping mechanisims and for others they are more than just that as sadly they are actually acted up on. When you have them you are actually picturing yourself dead and therefore rid of the problems that you face and this infact makes them a little lighter to carry for the moment. I find that soon after I had those thoughts, I was jolted back into reality, as I began to feel so guilty and selfish that I would actually want to put my loved ones through that kind of pain.
• If you feel you want to hold on to something from the experience, do that, it helps, it is comforting and the time will come when you can let it go. I chose to hold on to my shower items and after a while, I was able to share them with another friend who was pregnant. It was hard as I cried so much when she left with them, because I felt she was taking away a piece of my daughter.
• If you find that you are approaching the end of your reproductive years, and you have exhausted all your options, then adoption is still a good alternative. I know you might have contemplated it before and so it is now good time to visit this option. Adoption can also be a good option while you are considering your next plan, once you are financially able to do it. I am sure you will have a lot of love to give to this fortunate child who otherwise probably would not have it. I thought of adoption many times, I even went to the Agency for a package which turned out to be my security blanket, as I could not shake the feeling that I in fact wanted my own child.
• Most importantly, DO NOT GIVE UP. Just when you feel like giving up, that is when your triumph could be just around the corner. Many women lose a couple of pregnancies first before they have successful ones, so be encouraged.
  

Trials like these only come to make us strong and I am a testimony to that and I know you will get there too. Just stay the course, let the trials redefine you as a person, let them redefine your life’s purpose. Trust me you will be better off for it.

ALL THE VERY BEST!!!!!!!

In my next posts, I will be talking about my triumph, I cannot believe I am at that point in my story already and I am so excited to share it with you. Do join me.

My Infertility Story – Dealing with miscarriages cont'd.

“I was admitted to the hospital the next day and things got worse the day after I had given birth to our daughter, as there was this terrible feeling of emptiness that made me cry and could not stop. I never cried so much in my entire life.”

On my way home from the hospital, I began to do a mental survey of my medicine cabinet to see what kind of prescriptions drugs I had that I could just take and end this all. I did not feel like I could go on living, at least not without my daughter.
When I got home, I began feeling the real impact. Everything there reminded me of my pregnancy and I did not want to be there, but I did not want to leave either because this would mean me that I am moving on without my daughter, and I was not ready to do that, not just yet. It was still too fresh. My sister asked that she took the shower items I had as well, but I said no as I did not want to let go off them. I felt like having them there would give me the comfort that my daughter was still with me.
I began revisiting the prescription drug idea and became scared. What will happen when my husband return to work tomorrow, I thought. I did not trust myself at all to be left alone in this condition and so I quickly told him that I did not want to be home alone. He made plans for me to stay at my sister’s house for the rest of the week, where there was a housekeeper, which meant I would not be alone. I was relieved. The idea of suicide seemed oh so great but somehow I knew I did not want to go just yet as I believe there was still some purpose for my life and I know too that, should I make it through this, I would have a great story to use and encourage others.
I cried that whole week I was at my sister’s. I was so angry with God and felt so betrayed by him that I did not want to have any connection with him at all. How could it be said in Psalms 127 verse 3 that "children are a gift from God, they are a real blessing" and my blessing be taken away in such a cruel way. Bottomline, how can you give someone something and take it back, especially people like us who have been trying to start a family for now over a decade. I did not pray for days as I just did not want to be even in his presence. You know how you feel when someone you love hurt you, you are so upset with them that you prefer not to have any interaction with them at all for a while. That was how I felt.
A friend lent me a book by Dr. James Dobson, of ‘Focus on the Family’, entitled, 'When God does not make sense,' which I began reading from the day after giving birth at the hospital. In essence what this book is saying is that we have no control over what happens to us in our lives and it is not that we are targeted to go through certain challenges either. That is just how life is, and the sooner we understand this, the sooner we stop feeling betrayed by God when certain things befall us. I hate to say it, because I was so angry at God, but somehow this made sense to me and as I continued to read the book, (with no interruption from the outside world, as my husband had turned off my phone, for fear of any calls making me more upset), it began making even more sense. I then realized that I was not as angry with God anymore and I was not crying as much either. I began to slowly trust his heart again, even though I still could not trace his hand. I was able to put things into perspective that by the end of the week I was feeling so much better.
I did not stop crying or being sad after that week at my sister’s, as grief is indeed a process, but I was able to pick up the pieces and move on (slowly of course), but with each slow step, came a little faster one, until I was able to move on with my life in a normal way. Being mindful of course that I will face the same challenges, seeing pregnant women, children and it will be harder this time for me as I would be thinking how close I came to realizing my dream, so close, yet so far away. The expected date for the birth of our daughter was so hard for me as there was this strong smell of baby in the entire house. I could not take it, I cried for my baby until I fell asleep. I woke up the next day feel much better and something deep down told me that my triumph over infertility was sooner than I think.
A few months afterwards, I began feeling pregnancy symptoms and so I tested, the first test was not clear and so I retested, this time it was clear. I was pregnant again. I was excited for the mere fact that it is said that once you become pregnant it is easy to get pregnant again and also because deep down I felt that our breakthrough was near and so I wanted to believe very much that this pregnancy was for sure. I called my doctor the next day and went in to see him. He proceeded to confirm the pregnancy and found that the test was reading negative, shortly after that it was transformed to positive. We sat there and just stared at each other. I was totally confused and he seemed the same too. He did a scan just to see what was happening and sadly there was nothing there to indicate any pregnancy. I was even more disappointed and confused as I wanted to believe that the pregnancy tests were faulty and I was pregnant indeed. After a blood test, it was discovered that my hormones were again out of balance. I did not want to hear that again as I had been there and done that, but it was what it was.
When we got home that evening my husband and I just threw ourselves on the bed, exhausted from the events of the day and the past couple of months and feeling that our chance to have a family of our own was now totally eluding us. This was indeed a set back in our psyche and the emotions inside of me felt all too familiar. Sure enough I was grieving again for a baby I could have had, as a positive pregnancy result to me meant that I was close to overcoming infertility thus realizing my dreams of becoming a mom.
There was, thankfully, much needed distraction from this, as my husband had secured a job in another country in our region and our plans to migrate there was in high gear and so we threw ourselves into this even more, looking forward to distancing ourselves from this chaos and pain and continuing our lives where no one knows our story. I was so looking forward to that.
Two months after relocating, we realized we were pregnant and would go on to giving birth to our miracle baby, thus signaling our triumph over approximately a decade’s struggle with infertility.

To my readers who find themselves currently dealing with miscarriages, in my next post, I will attempt to give you tips on how you can pick up the pieces after these painful experiences and move on. Don’t miss it.

My Infertility Story – Dealing with miscarriages cont'd.

“I felt as if someone was playing a cruel joke on us and I was not amused. What did we ever do to deserve this, I thought.”

We were only halfway into our experience with miscarriages, with the worst still to come.

Approximately two years after doing my surgery and ten months after we had seen the female doctor, we realized we were pregnant again. We were on the brink of giving up hope as this was about four years after our previous miscarriages.
I was at Church one Sunday and realized that I was feeling terribly hungry and I had eaten breakfast that morning. I could not wait for communion to be served, as I thought even that little morsel of bread could indeed help this terrible hunger that was gnawing at my stomach walls.
I was expecting a period as well and it had not turned up as yet. Could I be pregnant? I thought, as I was also feeling a little bit queasy. I waited a few days to see if the period would show just to ensure that I was not setting myself up for anymore disappointment. That, I was certainly not in any hurry for. The period did not show, the queasiness continued and so believing that something was indeed happening, I did the test. I was pregnant and there was no doubt about it. The joy again was overwhelming and something about this one told me that it would stick around. I was however still very cautious.
I called my doctor the next day but did not get him and so I left a message, he returned my call after a few days and set an appointment to see him. I went promptly and he confirmed the pregnancy. He also did a scan saying he was not sure he would see anything, but as luck would have it, the scan showed the pregnancy with the fetus and even a heartbeat. We were so excited, and my doctor was too. The end to my struggle with infertility was surely in sight.
Having learnt from previous experience, we did not break the news to our family until I was about three months pregnant and ofcourse, they were overjoyed, especially my in-laws.
Each month that we went for our prenatal check-up was a triumph in itself, as the news was always good. We were having a girl, and we were even more excited.
Then round about the seventh month of my pregnancy, everything changed. Our baby was sick, she had developed a lot of fluid (a condition known as Hydrops Fetalis) in her little body and was given only a twenty percent chance of living.
We were crushed. It is confirmed, we are doomed to remain childless. We must have in fact done something to deserve this punishment, as this cannot be happening and not at this stage when I was already thrown a shower and had all my cute pink things to welcome my baby girl.
My doctor wanted to give us hope and so he told us that he was focusing on the twenty percent chance of life that our little angel had, and challenged us to remain positive. Bless his heart. I was put into the public system as he could not monitor my pregnancy anymore and on my first appointment, the doctor discovered that the baby had died. I did not know life as it were anymore. I was walking around like I was seeing ghosts. I was totally devastated and needed to know why this was happening to us.
I was admitted to the hospital the next day and things got worse the day after I had given birth to our daughter, as there was this terrible feeling of emptiness that made me cry and could not stop. I never cried so much in my entire life.

In the next post, I will tell you, (and I know you are eager to read it), how we made it through this very trying and dark time.

My Infertility Story – Dealing with miscarriages

This is, as you can well imagine, the most difficult part of my story to tell and I know I will be tearing up as I will have to relive the devastation and sadness to relate it to you. I am alright with that though, because as long as my story helps even one person, then it would be well worth it.
With that said, when I was diagnosed with infertility, I did not know that I would have had to deal with miscarriages as well, and in all honesty, I was not expecting to deal with any. It was while recently reading up on my diagnosis (Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome, as I still do so), I am finding out that there seems to be a higher rate of miscarriage among women with this diagnosis. Not that it would have made much of a difference had I known this before, as you cannot be really prepared for tragedies such as miscarriages, but I would have known to at least expect them.
As a result of this when I had my first miscarriage, I was totally devastated. I longed for the day when I would receive a positive pregnancy test and often wondered if I was so unlucky that the tests I bought were defective. This was seven years into my struggle and numerous occasions that I had tested. The manufacturers of pregnancy test must have seen a dramatic increase in their profits over this period, because of me. I was overjoyed, to say the least, when I received my first positive pregnancy result. I thought I was dreaming as my husband and I stood over the test and stared at it. It felt like Christmas. We hugged and I did not know if I was to laugh or cry. One thing I knew though, I wanted to climb on my roof top and declare to the world that we were finally pregnant. It was such a surreal experience. I remember calling up our family right away and telling them the good news, which I learnt very soon after, was really not the right thing to do. I also began planning my pregnancy wardrobe, the nursery, I was totally in ‘pregnancy zone.’
The next day I called my doctor, made an appointment and went in to see him. He confirmed the pregnancy and told me to come back for an ultrasound as it was too early to do one. I went back and my doctor did the ultrasound. He found the sac for the pregnancy, but sadly there was no fetus to be found. I really could not believe what was happening. How can there be no fetus, where else could it be, I thought. He seemed quite perturbed himself and decided he would comfort me by saying, "well you are indeed pregnant as the sac is there." Whatever does he mean, I thought, I don’t want to only know that the sac is there, I want to know that our baby is there as well.
I was diagnosed with a ‘missed abortion’ which is the term given to a pregnancy where no fetus is found. We were totally devastated. I cannot forget the look on my husband’s face, he was so distraught. He just stood gazing in space. I felt so helpless and sorry for him. Then it was time to break the news to our family. My mother-in-law would be the hardest one to break the news to, as she was ecstatic when we told her we were pregnant. When we did, I could sense the sadness in her. The whole feeling of guilt began welling up in me again that I lost touch of how I was feeling and began feeling that I had betrayed my mother-in-law, having lost the grandchild she had longed for, for so long.
I just could not function after that and had to ask my doctor for some sick leave. I stayed in bed and cried for most of the time, only coming out to study for an in-house exam, which surprisingly I passed. I could not believe it.
We managed to pick up the pieces and move on with our lives, ofcourse not giving up on our dream to have children. Shortly afterwards, I began feeling pregnancy symptoms. We did a test and sure enough it was positive again, I felt as if we had hit the jackpot, luck was on our side. I was in 'pregnancy zone' again and on an emotional high, only to quickly hit another low, when our doctor attempted to confirm the pregnancy and found out it was a ‘false positive’ one. We were not pregnant. He explained that my hormones were out of balance and that was what tricked my body into acting as if I was pregnant.
We were again devastated. I felt as if someone was playing a cruel joke on us and I was not amused. What did we ever do to deserve this, I thought.

We were only halfway into our experience with miscarriages, with the worst still to come.

More in next post, you cannot afford to miss it, or you’ll be missing out.

My Infertility Story – My infertility and my family cont’d

Wow, when I was diagnosed with infertility, I really did not know how hard it would have been to talk to my family about it, to secure the support that one would need from their family in situations such as this. I thought it would have been easy at least to talk to my husband since he is the closest to me, but sadly this was not the case. It was as my struggle progressed that I realized that I felt embarrassed whenever I thought of sharing my story with my family and became even more embarrassed as time passed, to the point that I did not want to try anymore. I guess apart from the embarrassment I experienced, I just thought they would not understand and would probably say things that would make me even more upset.

My recommendation for anyone experiencing infertility, and families who suspect that one of their love ones might be experiencing infertility…….

I yearned for the day when my family would start asking me questions about my husband and I having children. It would have made it so much easier to talk to them about my infertility, since the ice would already be broken. I waited and waited but unfortunately this never happened.
Infertility in my opinion is such a personal and private issue that they were probably having the same degree of difficulty reaching out to me, as I was having approaching them. Many times I would build myself up to talk but as soon as the time came, I chickened out.
I would suggest to a family who notice that a member is not having children after the necessary time has elapsed, (this is said to be two years, for some it could be more, unless they have made a public statement that they do not wish to have children), as some couples do declare this. If you see that these two years have now turned into four, five six, it is time to think that they might probably be experiencing difficulty in this regard. It would be helpful to stop all the ‘what are you waiting for to have children’ questions and comments and start moving towards finding out more so that you can begin offering your support, once they are open to it, as some persons still try to deal with issues like these privately. Let me hasten to tell you though, IT IS NOT POSSIBLE TO DEAL WITH INFERTILITY PRIVATELY. I tried and see the misery I experienced. I could not even trust my best friends, because of the same fear I had with my family, they not understanding and so I decided to deal with it on my own. BIG MISTAKE, I could have easily committed suicide and not be around to offer my help to others. You need people and especially your family, to help you through this, so allow them. You will be so glad you did.`
It is very important therefore to check for certain change in your love one’s behavior patterns, like sadness, depression and withdrawal. I thought it was so obvious that I was withdrawn, sad and depressed, but apparently I was doing a good job of hiding it.
I am aware that it will not be easy on you, the family’s part as well, as none of us are given a handbook on how to deal with infertility or other issues in our lives as they come, but we should be proactive and care enough to want to push pass all the hindrances and reach out to a love one in crisis. After all our family is the only constant in our lives and if we do not have them for the difficult issues we face on a daily basis, then we have nothing.
I wish I had the connection with my family for this to have happened. I blamed that however on our background, as some of us lead separate lives at some point in time while we were growing up and so that bond was never given the chance to develop. If it had, then I would not have had such a hard time reaching out to them for help and they would not have had such a hard time giving me the love and support I so needed. At times I wanted to be upset with them but could not, as there are so many factors at play in our situation of which we are all just victims.
Many families no doubt are blessed with this connection and I do envy them. Do not at all take it for granted, it can save your love ones’ lives. I am pretty sure you will not have all the expertise to help them deal with infertility, but together you can come up with the best possible resources to help them coop and they would have already been on their way to triumphing over their situation, the fact that they have their family on the journey with them.

GOOD LUCK!!!!!