Children are a gift from God…………Psalms 127 verse 3 & 4

“Children are a gift from the Lord; they are a reward from him.
Children born to a young man are like sharp arrows in a warrior’s hand.”
Psalm 127: 3 & 4

I have been thinking about writing this post for a while but was a little nervous

and hesitant because I do not want to upset anyone.

I had the privilege of reviewing some interviews done with some street boys, by a Psychology student and they brought tears to my eyes. The boys were living on the streets because they were turned away from school and when they did not find any love at home they chose to live on the streets where they all said they felt more love and a sense of belonging from their fellow street friends.

My question then is, do some of us as parents believe the abovementioned verse, ‘children are a Gift from God……? I’ll go on further to ask, do we believe that children are in fact the leaders of tomorrow. Why then are some of them not given the opportunity to live as the gifts they should be, or have their lives in line with becoming the leaders of tomorrow. What would cause you to turn your child out to live under the cellar of your house or what would cause you to abuse your child so much that they prefer to be on the streets with their fellow street friends and worse yet, what would cause you to send your young child out on the streets to earn money to take care of the rest of his siblings when he should be in school. This is the same child whose eyes you gaze in when they were born and felt that unbreakable bond. That newborn baby who you would not let anyone touch unless approved by you. These innocent little souls are the ones who later on, cannot stay in the school system because of discipline problems and end up becoming some of the most notorious gunmen, who rob and kill us just to get by.

My husband and I yearned for a child for over a decade, and others of us are still yearning, and would give anything to have even just one child, and others get them so easy and mess up, so you can understand my anger at this. We are by no means wealthy parents, but we are doing the best we can. Most importantly we are aware that we must instill a proper value system in our children so that they may be able to make sensible choices later in life to positively impact their future.

I know there are many reasons why some children end up on the streets. There is poverty, there is abuse which can stem from poverty, there is the fact that children are having children and therefore are not at the place to be able to instill in their children a proper value system. Some of us irresponsibly engage in sexual relationships and end up with these children that we are not able to care for. They are past off on the government who finds it challenging to have an adequate system in place for these children and so they end up on the streets.

You see, I am not one to cast blame on anyone, but if I am to do that in this regard, I would blame parents for failing to instill the proper value systems in these children. That is why having children must be a conscious and responsible decision made by adults, so that, even if you are not wealthy, (because it by no means takes wealth to bring up a well placed child) you can instill a proper value system in your children so that later they can make sensible decisions on how they live their lives.

I am from a very poor background and have six other siblings and none of us are on the streets.

Thank God our parents instilled the proper value system in us and so now we are better off for it.

Something to look into and to act upon if you are guilty, and again, my intention was not to hurt anyone.

Until next time, remain positive

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Depression and Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome (PCOS)

“Children are a gift from the Lord; they are a reward from him.
Children born to a young man are like sharp arrows in a warrior’s hand.”
Psalm 127: 3 & 4

I began having symptoms of PCOS in my late teens but was however diagnosed way into my twenties. Since then, depression has plagued me. What I did not know until recently, was that depression is one of the symptoms of PCOS. PCOS causes an imbalance in your hormones that is why depression is associated with it. I thought that my depression was caused from my infertility and a speech impediment, which has crippling effects on my life. I was never diagnosed with depression, but the little I know about the condition, I knew I was depressed, as I had some of the symptoms that it is associated with, low self esteem, sadness and hopelessness, to name a few.

My reason for doing this post is because I witnessed someone who I was told has PCOS having a meltdown recently and even declared that for the past two weeks she has been battling depression to the point where she was having suicidal thoughts. I have had my experience with these thoughts and it is frightening. Might I say that suicidal thoughts should not be taken lightly and these individuals should be constantly checked up on and they should get the help they need.

The state I saw this poor girl in, caused something to clicked within me as she reminded me so much of my years struggling with depression where I was misundertsood and judged in such an unfair way. She is a young girl, a teenager to be exact who I am sure does not understand fully what she is dealing with and neither does her parents or friends. I realize that I am the best person to reach out to her at this point to let her know exactly what is happening to her and to educate her parents so that they can get her the help she so badly needs. I have began to educate her friends as well because they must coexist with her. I must act soon because if she actually acts upon these suicidal thoughts (God forbid), I know I will never forgive myself for not helping, having gone through it myself.

I am still battling depression as my PCOS has re-occurred. About a year after giving birth to my son, I realized that I was depressed again. I began feeling ungrateful that instead of being happy for my son, I was again depressed. Little did I know that it was my PCOS that had returned and it had been causing my recent depression. I knew this after suffering a miscarriage a few months ago. I am now on treatment again for this condition and has now vowed that I will certainly do my little part in bringing awareness to depression of this kind to all who suffer with PCOS and all others concerned.



For more on helping others who may be having suicidal thoughts, click on the link:- http://www.emedicinehealth.com/suicidal_thoughts/article_em.ht



For more on depression caused by PCOS, click on the link:- http://pcos.about.com/od/whatispcos/a/depressionover.ht



Until next time, keep hope alive.

Endometriosis does not have to be an infertility sentence

“Children are a gift from the Lord; they are a reward from him.
Children born to a young man are like sharp arrows in a warrior’s hand.”
Psalm 127: 3 & 4

JUST A LITTLE SOMETHING TO LIFT YOUR SPIRITS IF YOU HAVE BEEN DIAGNOSED WITH ENDOMETRIOSIS AND IS FEELING PARTICULARLY HOPELESS ABOUT CONCEIVING AT THIS TIME.

Chances are you already know this, but I still feel compelled to remind you.

If you have been diagnosed with endometriosis, there is good news. Endometriosis does not have to be an infertility sentence. Many women with a minimal to mild case of endometriosis do go on to having normal healthy pregnancies. Some even without difficulty I might add. Those with a more severe case still end up having children but with some degree of difficulty.

I know of many women with endometriosis who now have their normal healthy children and others who are currently pregnant and their pregnancies are progressing well.

Please click on the link below to continue reading about Endometriosis and infertility and the treatment options available.
http://www.endometriosis.org/infertility.html



Good luck



Until next time

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http://www.harrycutting.com/photos_people/photo_27_J185-22.htm

The Circle of Life

“Children are a gift from the Lord; they are a reward from him.
Children born to a young man are like sharp arrows in a warrior’s hand.”
Psalm 127: 3 & 4

Picture taken at our wedding in 1993

Great Grandma Daphne is wearing the pink and black outfit at extreme right of picture

I have been feeling a little guilty and perplexed from yesterday as one of my son’s great grandmother passed on and she did not get to meet him. I cannot help but feel that I did not put out enough effort to have her meet him. A year and a half ago when we took our son home for christening, because she was not really well and the distance she was living, we did not get to see her at all. I was hoping that we would have been able to attend the funeral and was feeling a little lighter that at least we could tell our son when he is older that he attended her funeral. Thank goodness we have pictures so we will be able to show him what she looked like.

I know she was not doing well of late but I did not expect her to go so soon, I thought she would have held on until Christmas when we visit again. That is life though, the circle of life that is. Great grandparents are just too great to hang around, they must go so that the circle of life continues, so we have to cherich the time that we are so previledged to have them around, and so every great grandparent should get the chance to meet the little ones that bestow such title upon them and for that I will ever feel that she was cheated.

Great grandma Daphne was such a sweetheart, she was strong, she walked almost everywhere she went and was employed fulltime right up until a few years ago when her family decided she should not work anymore. That seem to have affected her and shortly after she became sick. She had such quiet dignity about her. She was very humble and peaceful and tried everything she could not to be of any inconvenience to anyone. She asked for nothing but gave so much from the little she had. I admired her so much and often thought that I wanted to be like her when I was old. When we lost our daughter in 2007, she was so supportive, she did not say much (as she was a woman of few words) but what she said meant more than what many others said.

I encourage you all who are parents to ensure that your little ones get the chance to meet their great grandparents if they have such, so that you don’t have to feel like I am feeling now. This is special family history that they should be a part of, even though they might be too young to understand. The reason I am feeling this way is because I was not a part of such history, the only grandparent I vaguely knew, died when I was still a little girl. Our son is such a lucky little boy, he has more than his fair share, with even two additional ones (step great grandmothers).

Rest In peace Great Grandma Daphne

You will be forever in our thoughts.
We love You









Until next time

Why the Epidemic????????

“Children are a gift from the Lord; they are a reward from him.
Children born to a young man are like sharp arrows in a warrior’s hand.”
Psalm 127: 3 & 4

Just the other day I was talking to a friend about my blog and she was saying that so many of her female friends are diagnosed with reproductive problems, mostly Uterine Fibroids, Endometriosis and Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome (PCOS). She further went on to say that she and her mother were having a conversation on the same subject and her mother was saying that in her days you did not hear about so many of these conditions in women. Some women are even diagnosed with more than one of the conditions, which makes conceiving even more difficult.

To make matters worse, these conditions are not just restricted to women of childbearing age who are considering having a family, young girls are also affected. My PCOS started affecting me at age 19 but I was diagnosed way in my twenties and just last week a friend of mine was telling me that she knows of two girls about age 16, who were diagnosed with ovarian cysts.

These days it is like every other woman that I come across has one of the various reproductive disorders, or knows someone who do.

My question then is, why the epidemic? Is it environmental factors (global warming), our water, our food, or is it the stresses of life. Many medical conditions, including infertility, I learn, are caused by stress and so there is also a rise in various cases of cancer, heart disease etc. There are also diseases now that I have not even heard of before.

Many of the reproductive diseases, I found out in my research, the causes are not known exactly. PCOS is said to be hereditary even though there are various other factors that could contribute to it. Bottom line is, you cannot do anything to prevent them and so, if you are to be a victim, when you are diagnosed, you have to act quickly to treat these conditions so that your dream of having a family can be realized.

After you have had your family, it is still necessary to continue with proper management of these diseases so that further serious conditions do not develop.

ALL THE BEST

Until next time.

Supporting a friend struggling with infertility

“Children are a gift from the Lord; they are a reward from him.

Children born to a young man are like sharp arrows in a warrior’s hand.”
Psalm 127: 3 & 4

I am sure many of us have a friend or have friends who are currently struggling with infertility or have had miscarriages (as miscarriages are most times part of the process) and at times do not know how to be there for these individuals. This is indeed a very difficult situation to be in, as per my experience.

When I had my son, I thought that just for the mere fact that I had triumphed over infertility, it would be easy to support and encourage these persons that one day they could too. I soon realized that this did not make it any easier. There are times when I wanted to just give these persons a call or send an email but soon realized that it was not as easy as I thought. First of all, just wondering if these persons would want to hear from me at this particular time because maybe today they are so distressed and discouraged, that they would rather not engage in any conversation of the sorts. I remember having a conversation with one such friend whom I told that I think about her many days and would want to give her a call, but just could not because of these reasons. She re-iterated this and added that some people just do not understand. To which I responded well, I am one who understands very well having been in like situations where I just did not want to talk about my struggles. Let me hasten to mention that infertiles do have a common tendency to shut others out, so that is very often the reason that it is so hard to be there for them.

In the case of being there for a friend who had a miscarriage, I had my first taste of this in late 2007 and it took me a long time to actually make the phone call to this person. This happened again last year with another friend and I also had a hard time putting together an email to send to her. Another of my friends had to encourage me. She said you can do it, only you know exactly what this person is feeling, so use that as your source. I was soon after able to construct the email but still felt I had not done justice to my friend. Afterwards I started processing things and asked myself why was it so hard to reach out to these friends, then I remember that when I was struggling with infertility, someone recommended that I had a talk with a young lady who had struggled to have a child for three years so that she could offer me encouragement. I just could not bring myself to doing this, as the young lady was now very pregnant and by then I was finding it very difficult to be around pregnant women. Also she had only been struggling for three years and I was struggling for much over that and so I felt that she could not in the least bit understood what I was really going through at this point in my struggle. Let me say that I did promised myself that I would not seek encouragement and support from anyone unless they had been in my shoes, and she had, but sadly she still did not qualify. What I am really saying here then, is that I was afraid that my friend would refuse my encouragement because I was the one who recently had the healthy baby and even though I was the best person to encourage her at this time, having been in her shoes more than once, but I was afraid I simply might not not qualify.

Thank goodness for my blog, as this is where I seek to encourage and support my friends, as some of my posts are deliberately geared at the infertility issues that they face.
For others of you who do not have a blog I would recommend that you stay in touch as much as you can but try not to be the one to bring up the infertility issues that your friends face, let them bring them up in conversations. Some might not because this is a very sensitive and private issue but some probably will, depending on where in their struggle they are. Use that opportunity as much as you can to do your encouraging and supporting.

I would also recommend that if you have children, be mindful that your friends are still struggling to have and when you plan your activities which include kids, e.g. birthday parties, do not expect too much from your friends as sometimes they would rather not have anything to do with these events and very often struggle with actually turning up. I remember a friend of mine asked me to help with the preparation of food for her son’s (my godson’s) birthday party which I did. She also invited me to attend the party which was held at his school. That was one of my good days because I was moved for the fact that she chose to include me in such a tangible way and I thoroughly enjoyed being there, but I also know that if it was one of my bad day’s I probably would have declined the invitation and probably would have thought that she was insensitive to put me through all of that, when she knew of my struggles. Don't get me wrong, I know my friend's intentions were all good, and as her son's godmother I know she wants me to be involved in his life as much as possible but even in that case, sadly there were days that were so bad that I could not even be objective about that. This is indeed a very difficult situation to be in, and I know I could also have been on the other side as well, because life is unpredictable.

I also recommend that you try not to talk too much about your kids when you are around your friends, (I know this is very difficult) but try nevertheless as this is only a reminder that they cannot contribute to such conversations in any real way.

For those who have had miscarriages, be there as much as you can, but give them their time to grieve. Do not tell them it is time that they get over it. I had similar experience and I know that this came from the kindest place in this person's heart, but it did cause me some discomfort because I strongly believe only you should decide when to stop grieving and move on.

I must re-iterate, this is difficult because with infertility we are all in over our heads most times, both we who suffer and the others who must co-exist with us. Most times, people's intention are good, but you must protect your feelings because no one else will, and a relationship can only be healthy if you are able to let people know when they are causing you any discomfort. I considered it a daunting task when I had to tell the president of the women's group at my church that I do not wish to take part in the planning of anymore baby showers for members and I was so encouraged and moved when she conveyed it to the other women and they understood so readily. You should try this, it can be daunting at first but afterwards you do feel lighter and that makes it so worth it.

Check this site out, it should be very helpful in this regard:- http://www.onceuponalife.com/forums/archive/index.php/t-17994.html

Excerpt from site

Theresa
May 21st, 2005, 11:54 AM
“First, I want to say that I'm sorry that ANYONE suffers infertility. It really just doesn't seem fair. My best friend has been TTC (Trying to conceive) for 1.5 years and just finished her 2nd round of Clomid. She had a pg test yesterday. I'm assuming that since she hasn't called it was negative. Anyway, I just don't know how to help her any more. She's just totally shutting me out. She keeps throwing it back in my face that I don't know what she's going through because I've never been through it. (I do have 2 children, but the first one took almost a year to concieve. It's not like I just got pg on a whim or something.) That just breaks my heart. I keep wanting to reach out to her, but she won't let me. The fact that she hasn't called after her pg test is also breaking my heart. She's my best friend and I SO want to reach out to her, but I don't know how. :cry: So, my question is: What do you want from you friends at this point? I want to reach out, but not if she doesn't want me to, kwim? Any help/advice would be appreciated.For the record: We've been best friends for about 16 years and she's more like a sister to me than just a friend. I hope that all made sense. :silly:”

Check site for the response.









Do join me for my next post















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Romance, where are you, I did not hear you leave

“Children are a gift from the Lord; they are a reward from him.

Children born to a young man are like sharp arrows in a warrior’s hand.”
Psalm 127: 3 & 4

Over the years that I struggled with infertility, sadly sex became so monotonous and such a chore as I was just so consumed with trying to conceive a child. Sex most times had to be planned around my fertile days, if I ever knew when they were. I did so much charting of my fertile days over that period that I drove myself crazy, which is to be blamed on my PCOS condition.

Everyone knows that planned sex is not necessarily best but that became our regime. I remember on many occasions getting so overwhelmed afterwards that I cried thinking, here goes another month when my hopes would be shattered. Little wonder the romance in our relationship began to fade and we watch helplessly as this happened. I would even vent at times thinking, what is the purpose of sex for us then when it is not doing what it was designed to do, procreate.

I know many couples who are currently battling infertility and those who have battled it, can attest to this, infertility does affect the romance and passion in your relationship. Sadly this can damage your marriage beyond repair as we see evident in couples getting divorced because of this and other issues with infertility.

I was reading another infertility blog and the writer did a post on this same subject with some recommendations for keeping that ‘loving feeling.’ I will share them with you, as I could not have said these better myself:-


“ Plan a date night: Make time to be alone and together, ideally on a weekly basis. Do things that encourage interaction, especially the types of things you enjoyed doing when you first became a couple. Talk about anything that comes to mind EXCEPT money, your jobs, and–you guessed it–fertility!

Plan for nonsexual physical connection: It’s important to start to link up having fun and being together physically. Some great ways to do this are to consider nonsexual physical activities like ballroom dancing, taking a yoga class, working out at the gym–things that make you feel physically good about yourself, and one another.


Plan getaways: There are times when you need to throw caution (and your fertility protocol) to the wind, and just get away. Sometimes a change in scenery can help recharge a relationship. Plan for these breaks–even an overnight can do wonders.”

http://iammorethanmyinfertility.wordpress.com/2009/02/23/infertility-and-sex-a-reminder-of-the-problem/ Feel free to check this blog out, it is very encouraging.

When I was trying to get pregnant, I remember thinking that if we were blessed with a child, I would so happy, so in love with my husband and this child. Everything would be perfect.
Well I am for most of those parts, but you all who have children know how much attention they take and worst if you are in our position, having yearned for a child for so long, you just want to fuss over them and smother them with all the attention possible. The downside to this is, having a relationship that is already strained romantically, gets more complicated when there is a third party (one so special) involved. I am not discouraging anyone, just telling you the facts as they are.


We are using the above recommendations as well even though we are now further along in our struggle. I wish we had this advice earlier on in our struggles but it is not too late to draw on them . It is a work in progress but we have a strong foundation, one built in love and founded in Christ. We wouldn’t want it any other way, not when we have been through so much together and now have so much to be thankful for, and so we know we will be able to bring back that loving feeling.

I hope the same for you too.







Until next time

POLYCYSTIC OVARIAN SYNDROME (PCOS)

A typical polycystic ovary

In one of my earlier posts, I mentioned briefly about Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome. I now find it necessary to dedicate an entire post to this condition as I am now hearing everyday of someone with this condition.

When I was diagnosed with PCOS, being a stutterer, I could not pronounce the name properly and so apart from not understanding the condition as much as I would have wanted to, I used this as my excuse as well, not to talk about it.

WHAT IS POLYCYSTIC OVARIAN SYNDROME?

For my readers who do not know what this condition is:-

“ Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome (PCOS) is one of the main causes of infertility in women. It affects anywhere from five to ten per cent of women between the ages of 20 and 40, making it the most common reproductive syndrome for women of this age group. However, a further 30% of women may have some of the symptoms associated with PCOS although they won’t be diagnosed with the syndrome. Women who suffer from PCOS have cysts (fluid-filled sacs) on their ovaries that prevent the ovaries from performing normally. PCOS affects regular reproductive functions, like the menstrual cycle, as well as fertility. Ovaries of PCOS suffers tend to be from 1.5 to 3 times larger than normal ovaries.”……………………..

You can read further by visiting:- http://www.fertilityfactor.com/infertility_PCOS.html


GETTING PREGNANT WITH POLYCYSTIC OVARIAN SYNDROME

I was reading an articile the other day that women who are diagnosed with PCOS go on to having the same amount of healthy children as women who are not diagnosed with the condition. This really encouraged me.

“Many women who are trying to get pregnant may experience problems trying to conceive. Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome, known as PCOS for short and also known as PCOD or Polycystic Ovarian Disease, is one of the leading causes of infertility among women. While research has not yet determined how to cure for PCOS, it may be possible for a woman with PCOS to get pregnant with the right treatment or treatments.”……………….

Read further by visiting:- http://www.thelaboroflove.com/articles/how-to-get-pregnant-with-polycystic-ovarian-disease/


N.B. Since my PCOS has now returned, my doctor has prescribed a course of low dose contraceptive to be taken for over three months to dissolves these cysts. If this is proven successful then she advised that if I wish to become pregnant, then she recommends that we start trying right away.

When I was first diagnosed with this condition many years ago, a laparoscopy ( a surgery where a small incision is made in your abdomen and with the help of gas your ovaries is accessed and the cysts scraped from them) was done but sadly after the birth of my son, it has returned. I was perturbed at first that I might have to do surgery again but thankfully my doctor advised that she no longer does surgery for this condition for the reason that the cysts do return, and after paying so much for this surgery, who wants to know that they will again be faced with this issue.

I recommend therefore to anyone with this condition who is contemplating surgery, to have a talk with your doctor about the possibility of using contraceptives to dissolve these cysts. The only draw back with this, I might add is, because women who are diagnosed with PCOS have irregular periods due to lack of ovulation, and this procedure has to be done with the onset of menstruation, it might prove difficult. We just have to hope for the best.

MANAGING POLYCYSTIC OVARIAN SYNDROME

If you happen to have PCOS but you are not comtemplating having children for whatever reasons, this condition should be monitored and managed because there are other serious conditions that is associated with this. For example, diabetes and heart disease just to name some.

“Most women with polycystic ovary syndrome should have an oral glucose tolerance test at diagnosis and at five-yearly intervals thereafter, and measurement of fasting lipids at diagnosis and at two- to three-yearly intervals. The exception would be a woman aged less than 20 who is not overweight and who does not have a family history of diabetes mellitus, gestational diabetes or large birth weight.”…………..

For further reading visit:- http://www.mja.com.au/public/issues/nov16/kidson/kidson.html


I sincerely hoped this information helped you and do not hesitate to let me have your comments or any questions you might have regarding Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome. Having been someone who is struggling with it for over a decade now, I should be able to shed some light on your concerns and questions. If I do not readily have the information, I will research it or you.

Please feel free to click on any relevant links on the right of page.

ALL THE BEST


Please do not forget to join me for my next post

HAPPY EASTER!!!!

A HAPPY AND HOLY EASTER TO YOU ALL

As I said in my infertility story, when I was battling infertility, around the holidays I was the saddest. I think it is mainly because holidays are a time for family and good cheer but sadly I could not fully indulge.

Across the world at this time, many will be attending church to reflect on the events of that first Easter, many years ago. To those of us battling infertility and feeling beaten down and hopeless as a result of this, use this opportunity for reflection and renewal as you continue to seek God’s guidance and help to someday be triumphant over this hurdle.

I know it probably will be hard to do this, having been there myself. Sometimes I would be in Church but was just physically there. I could not talk to God, I could not pray I was just so consumed by my pain, but I challenge you nevertheless.

To all others, I want to extend to you the same challenge, Use this time in God’s presence and throughout the rest of this Easter season for reflection and renewal and seeking God more. Our world is so overcome by global recession, natural Disasters, hunger and pain, you name it, and we who are Christians cannot afford to lax, as we continue to pray and hope for a breakthrough.
God’s richest blessings to you.

My next post will be on Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome (PCOS) which many women of reproductive age suffer with. If you are one such, you cannot afford to miss this post.

I AM BACK!!!!!!!

Hello all, you don’t have to miss me any longer, I am back. The problem with my internet has been sorted out. Can you imagine they suspended our internet account for over a month simply because of a mix up with my landlord’s name, (as the internet account is in his name), and took so long to sort it out. Sometimes we are subjected to such unnecessary inconvenience. Anyway, that is over and thank God I am back.

As I said in my last post, so much has happened over the time that I was away and I know you are anxious to hear about them. Let’s see, where do I begin? Well, I suffered another miscarriage at two months gestational age and found out to my horror, that my polycystic ovarian syndrome (pcos) is back and worst than ever, my husband lost his job, then the car was taken, as it was attached to my husband’s job, then a few days afterwards, our internet was suspended.

I felt so victimized, it was as if someone had targeted us and was again subjecting us to misery. Blogging has been the best way so far for me to fully come to grips with the struggles I had to endure in my life so far and when that opportunity was taken from me, I felt really empty. I also felt like I was living in the United States of America as everyday you hear stories of persons who have fallen victim to this global recession. Thank God though, our situation is not as bad as we still have good kind people around and we are being truly blessed by them.

Anyway, back to the issue of the miscarriage I suffered, as this is partly what this blog is about. We really was not trying for a baby, at least not right now because we knew that my husband’s job was in jeopardy. When we found out that we were expecting, we were frightened and confused at first but soon after started to embrace it to the point where we became so excited as we had in fact had discussions about a sibling for our son. We were therefore very sad when we learnt that we had lost it. I for one, was horrified as I thought that I was through with miscarriages, but I guess that choice is not mine to make. I was further horrified when I learnt that my pcos was back and was the cause for the miscarriage. My doctor reacted in such a dramatic way when she saw the cysts on my ovaries that I thought she was going to tell me that I had ovarian cancer. I was so relieved when she told me that they were in fact cysts.

And so, I am once again dealing with the effects of a miscarriage and feeling so guilty that I am grieving this loss when we have already been blessed with such a beautiful son. I am loving him and appreciating him even more these days and is even more grateful to God for him. Miscarriages are such horrible experiences that, if I had enemies, I would not wish it on even them. They have such crippling effects and once you experience them you never fully get over them. I gave birth to our daughter's dead body on April 2, 2007 and last week I could not understand why I was feeling so empty and depressed and why certain places (the UWI hospital, Mona, my sister's home where I spent the days following our loss) were appearing in my memory. I soon realised that it was because I was about to relive the horrible loss of our daughter this time two years ago, and this has been happening every year since.

I do not know what to draw from this experience at this time because we were not trying. I remember however, in the years that I was struggling to have a child, I often asked God for even just one and then we would adopt the other so that they can grow up together. If our request was granted, we saw the adoption as our way of giving thanks to God for his blessing of a child by also giving one other child the love of a family which he probably would otherwise not experience. I cannot help but think now that maybe God is holding me to this promise. We are therefore now actively thinking about adoption as soon as we are financially able to do so as our son definitely needs someone to grow up with. Let me hasten to say that when I spoke in one of my earlier posts that as a child I often dreamt of the ‘pitter patter’ of little feet around my home when I was grown, I never meant just two feet, I meant more, and four is such a whole and complete number. I never saw myself with just one child. An old saying goes, “one pickney is not pickney.” I hope I am not discounting the fact that some of us for whatever reason end up with just one. No need to feel cheated or guilty as this is just for me. You just hug your one child and thank God eternally for them because you are still more fortunate than many who have not been able to experience this blessing. You such, continue to be in my thoughts and prayers.

I am somewhat over this miscarriage now because given our present situation, if this child was still on the way, I am not sure how we would be cooping financially and so I must conclude that God knows best. He alone knows tomorrow and so we trust him enough to rest in his care and keeping.

Do not forget to join me for my next post.