ARE OUR DOCTORS COLD AND CALLOUS???

“Children are a gift from the Lord; they are a reward from him.
Children born to a young man are like sharp arrows in a warrior’s hand.”
Psalm 127: 3 & 4

This post is written with due respect to our doctors and their profession.

Recently this has been on my mind, how can a doctor tell a woman that she will never be able to have children or that she should never get pregnant or try to have any more children.

A friend of mine was told by a doctor that she should never get pregnant. She said this was so hard to hear and she could never picture her life without children. As I sat and listened to her, something came over me, something so familiar because for many years, I was forced to picture my life without children and it was really one of the most difficult things I ever had to do. Today this friend is very pregnant, a difficult pregnancy of course but she is an ardent Christian and is totally relying on God to see her through this pregnancy. She should give birth in a couple of days.

There is someone else I know who had one child at the time and wanted another, her doctor told her she should not try to get pregnant again. Of course, she had her second child and both are doing fine up to this day and I am sure there are many other such stories out there.

I know these doctors are advising their patients against pregnancy because of medical issues that could endanger their lives and the lives of their babies, should they get pregnant, but I still think this is a cold and callous thing to do. Maybe they could find some other way of telling their patients news like this and have them involved in the process as much as possible. I am also thinking that probably, many doctors who are guilty of this are male and therefore will never be able to know what it feels like when a woman finds out she can never have children. I know this affects men too, but not in the same way as it affects women. For women, the pain is more raw and more personal. I guess it is because it is women who carry the pregnancies.

Another thing that doctors do is put timeline on people’s lives. When there is a diagnosis of a terminal illness, doctors tell their patients how much time they have left to live. As a Christian, who believes that God gives life and takes it away, this is one thing that I have a problem accepting. Senator Ted Kennedy was told he was lucky if he lived for six months after his brain tumor diagnosis and he lived fifteen months. The story was told at church on Sunday of a gentleman, a former pastor who was told he had five years to live after a surgery many years ago, and he lived twenty more years and I could go on and on with stories like these.

I cannot help but wonder if a doctor’s program of study trains them to be outright with people in such a callous way. I am all for honesty but I have a hard time dealing with honesty of this nature. I cannot imagine a doctor telling me how much time I have left to live because either I would die before the time the doctor give me from just mere fretting, or I turn the situation completely over to my Heavenly Physician. I am really hoping I would do the latter as one cannot say for sure what they would really do, until they are faced with the situation.

I was watching a television pastor once and he was telling a story that he recently went to his doctor for a check-up. His doctor took a chart and began calling out the names of some diseases and asked him if he had them in his family. Each time the pastor replied yes, the doctor ticked off a disease that he would most likely have to face in his life. The Pastor got angry, took the chart from the doctor and began going down the same list of diseases and ticking off as the doctor replied yes to them. The Pastor then said, well doc, I am just giving you an idea of how it feels to be putting timeline on people’s lives. He was simply saying, doc, you do not have that right, my Almighty God has the right to decide what diseases I get and how long a life he has afforded me here on earth. That story left an impression on me, as it happened many years ago and I am still able to relate it.

When I did my laparoscopy (surgery for PCOS) in 2002, I was so nervous and anxious. It was a minor surgery but there was nothing minor about the anxieties I was feeling. The mere fact that I had to go under anesthetic was enough to drive me crazy, that a few days after the surgery I broke out into a rash, which was later diagnosed as a type of eczema brought on by stress. I remember when I walked into the hospital lobby the morning of the surgery, a picture of a doctor with God bent over his shoulders, apparently giving him some instructions, caught my eye and that was the image I took with me into surgery. This gave me the reassurance I needed that I would have made it out of that surgery because I knew God was in charge, I trusted my doctor but I trust God more. I still use that image today whenever I find myself in situations like these. Let me say also that I was given a timeline after this surgery within which to get pregnant and when this timeline expired I was told that only invitro-fertilization could help me at this point. Well here I am today, I did not do invitro-fertilization and my husband and I are the proud parents of a vibrant and healthy two year old. Is'nt our God good.

Wow, a big mouthful indeed, but what I am really saying is that our doctors can only do for us what Almighty God entrusts them with and when they give us news that is difficult to hear, before we think it is the end, and especially if we are Christians, we should look to our Great Physician, our Head Physician and turn the situation over to him. I know in each of the cases above, these persons called on their Heavenly doctor for a second opinion and I strongly believe that, that is how they were able to rise above their conditions.

Be encouraged therefore and until next time, keep clinging to hope.

LONGER LIFE LINKED TO PREGNANCIES OVER THE AGE OF 40

“Children are a gift from the Lord; they are a reward from him.
Children born to a young man are like sharp arrows in a warrior’s hand.”
Psalm 127: 3 & 4

There is good news for women who are getting pregnant naturally after age 40. Apparently the fact that you are able get pregnant naturally at this age means that you have genes that will allow you to live longer.

My husband and I have had several conversations about having more children and on many of these occasions I would tell him how frightened I feel when I think of having more children over the age of 40. He quickly said to me, well, for you it might be different seeing that your reproductive system began functioning normally later in your life than many other women, you could be looking at a reproductive system of a much younger woman. At first I thought to myself, no way, but then I began wondering, what if this is really so. I was therefore very excited when I saw the article stating that longer life is linked to women getting pregnant naturally later in life, and thought, my husband seem to have been on to something. He should be very proud of himself when I tell him about this article.

This should be very good news for women who are becoming parents in their forties and those still wanting to become parents, or have more children in their forties. I guess just thinking that I could possibly live longer simply by getting pregnant naturally at my age, gives me something to be positive about because, since I am an older mom, living longer does appeal a lot to me, as this means I will have the chance to be around longer for my children and be able to have some time with my grandchildren as well.

Please follow the link below to see an article by AOL Health which speaks to this.

http://infertility-fertility.blogspot.com/2009/08/having-baby-over-40-linked-to-longer.html

Be encouraged and until next time, keep clinging to hope.

‘MOMZILLA’

“Children are a gift from the Lord; they are a reward from him.
Children born to a young man are like sharp arrows in a warrior’s hand.”
Psalm 127: 3 & 4

It is amazing to see how quickly a parent turns into extreme defensive and protective mode when they realize that their safety and most all, the safety of their child is compromised.

I turned into ‘MOMZILLA’ yesterday because my safety and that of my precious child was threatened.

We had just had breakfast and my son was lying beside me on the bed watching cartoons. I began dozing off because I had awoken about 4:00 a.m. in the morning and was chatting with my husband. He went back to sleep but I could not and so by this time, I was a bit sleepy. I heard this loud bang that jolted me out of my nap. At first, I thought it was just neighborhood noise as sometimes there would be construction going on and you would hear sounds of this nature. I heard it again and this time just thought it sounded odd, so I got up to check. It seem to have frightened my son as well. On my way to check this sound out, I heard it again and was in time to see a middle aged man stooping at my back door and trying to break it off. I did not know I could shout so loudly and ferociously at someone. Upon hearing my shout, he staggered back at first as if not sure what to do and when he saw that I was persistent, he took off like our golden boy Usain Bolt over the back wall. It is amazing how he did not cut himself because there are razor wires on the wall.

I was terrified, I called my husband and he called the police. He also told me he was coming home at once. I wanted so much to tell him I was alright but was also relieved because I was not sure at that point if I could have made it through the rest of the day. The police came promptly and I gave them a statement. I was surprised how calm and fluent I was, because as one who stutters, situations like these causes me to stutter even more. I was so proud of myself, I had things under control, I was doing my duty of mom well.

Last night I tossed and turned thinking of ways I should have sneeked upon this man and hurt him real bad. I also could not get the picture of him stooping at my back door and trying to yank it off out of my head. I am not sure what his motives were, was it robbery, or did he have plans to rape after observing that I was alone with a young child. I have been driving myself crazy thinking these thoughts since yesterday. The other thing I was thinking was, I did get a good look at him that I could have described him to the police and I suspect he knows that as well. What if he came back today to eliminate me because of this as this is what these criminals to these days, if you happen to get a good look at them, they eliminate you because now you are a witness.

Today was hard, because with the above playing over and over in my head, I kept checking my surroundings and checking every sound I heard that by the end of the day, I was so tired and fatigued.

The thing is though, after being terrified initially, this sense of calm came over me. I was not falling to pieces. I was more angry than scared. How could this man think it necessary to disrupt my family in this way. I felt if I had the chance, I would really have hurt him as that is just how angry I have been since. I was happy I was able to maintain a certain degree of composure that I could have given the police a fluent and accurate statement and I think it is my motherly instincts, that was in play. Probably if I did not have my son with me, I would have lost it, but I knew I had to protect myself and most of all, him, (after all, he took so long to come to us because of infertility) and so I know I could not fall to pieces and still protect him. Animals do this as well, they protect their young. I have seen this while growing up in our family home, our cat would not let any of us come near her kittens and neither the dog with her puppies nor the hens with her baby chicks and so it is with humans, especially mothers.

Thank goodness though, the house is very secure and I do not think there was any way he would have made it inside, but you never can tell, you just have to rely on the Almighty to continue to keep us all safe from these vagabonds that prey. I will also be drawing on my earthly security team, my machette, a lighter and my mace, because should he come back, I want to be prepared for him.

The good that came out of this is that this man has singlehandedly given something to blog about and we are now aware that we cannot get too laxed, where making sure that we are safe in our homes on a daily basis, is concerned.

Help us thank God we are alright and until next time be safe.

image by:-
http://farm2.static.flickr.com/1099/697484119_a596a7f778.jpg?v=0

Do you know your best ‘baby making’ sexual positions?

“Children are a gift from the Lord; they are a reward from him.
Children born to a young man are like sharp arrows in a warrior’s hand.”
Psalm 127: 3 & 4

Yes, there are sexual positions that are said to result in pregnancies more than others. I did not know this until later on in my struggles and I must say, I tried some of them, (yes, and I am still a good girl!!!!!), but as you all might know by now, my infertility issue, like many of yours, was far greater than what a mere sexual position could fix.

For those undergoing treatment for infertility, I would recommend trying these positions along with your treatment to maximize your chances. My philosophy has always been to try everything, as you never can tell.

The following site has outlined some of these recommended positions, please check it out:-
http://www.pregnancy.org/article/best-sexual-positions-getting-pregnant

This site also gives recommendations for trying to conceive a specific gender. I would imagine those of you struggling with infertility would be grateful for any gender you get, therefore you probably will not be too concerned with this part of things. At first, it did not matter what gender I got, I just wanted a baby so badly. When I became pregnant in 2006 though, things changed, I wanted a girl and was pregnant with a girl and when I became pregnant again in 2007, I wanted a boy, and a boy it was. I consider myself blessed in this regard, as some people wish for specific genders and get the opposite a lot of times.

Good luck in your efforts then, and until next time, keep clinging to hope.

Is infertility punishment?

“Children are a gift from the Lord; they are a reward from him.
Children born to a young man are like sharp arrows in a warrior’s hand.”
Psalm 127: 3 & 4

When my husband and I lost our pregnancy in 2006, I remember my mother saying to me, Marie, search your life and see if there is anything there that God could be punishing you for. As you can well imagine, that was hard for me to hear. I was so angry at my mother for saying that, how could she? I thought, and felt I would never speak to her again. I remember saying it to my brother who was also very upset that she had said that to me and quickly told me to just ignore what she said. We, her children, have to do that a lot, because she does say things, not intending to hurt, they just come out in the wrong way. Bless her heart.

The thing is though, my mother was not exactly out of context with what she said, because as my struggles with infertility progressed and intensified, I started wondering more and more if God was indeed punishing me for something I had done. I remember even saying to him, Lord, if this is so, find something else to punish me with, as this is also punishing my dear husband who does not deserve this. I scanned my life many times over, to see if there was anything there that I could be receiving punishment for and in case there was, I changed my pattern of praying to, ‘Lord, please forgive me of my sins and this include any that I might not have knowledge of.’ In doing this I figured those sins that I have no knowledge of, would be covered as well.

Back to my question then, is infertility punishment? That I am not able to answer because I am not God, but if it is, apart from the raw pain and emotions that comes with it, in my opinion, it is punishment with benefits. Infertility has made me such a better, stronger person. It has taught me so much, not to take anything for granted, not to judge others and most of all to be dependent on God, who is the author and finisher of our faith. Many times, I actually felt special in the sight of God, for choosing me, even if he had mistaken me for someone which great strength to receive this cross, because on many occasions, I did buckle under the pressure, but I can actually say to God now, thanks for this experience and although it hurt so bad, I know it is a process he needed me to go through to be who I am today.

I hope if you are thinking your infertility is probably punishment too, just quickly look at how it is changing you. Look at how it is transforming you into a better person. This might sound crazy but start embracing it, because, ‘it too shall pass’ and you will emerge a better and stronger person.

Be encouraged therefore and until next time, keep clinging to hope.






image by: http://images.google.tt/imgres?imgurl=http://cdn.24.com/files/Cms/General/d/76/ca818dcaa39c4172b09621fa92311ee6.jpg&imgrefurl=http://www.parent24.com/Content/Getting_pregnant/fertility_problems/153/1c6c955467984f6cbfb022186fe3e240//Infertiles_suffer_more_mental_woes&usg=__QeS_ZfBqKiKJuYOZ2de5FmtooWI=&h=300&w=300&sz=17&hl=en&start=1&tbnid=nnQDRKFAf6hC2M:&tbnh=116&tbnw=116&prev=/images%3Fq%3Ddepressed,%2Binfertile%2Bcouple%26gbv%3D2%26hl%3Den%26sa%3DG

What about those who infertility has subjected to a life without biological children.

“Children are a gift from the Lord; they are a reward from him.
Children born to a young man are like sharp arrows in a warrior’s hand.”
Psalm 127: 3 & 4

Ever since I started this blog and for every post I write, I am thinking about those of us who infertility has subjected to a life without biological children. I keep thinking, how can I include these persons? How can I let them know that I am thinking about them, that my heart is also aching for them and is having a hard time coming up with words of comfort and encouragement for them. I have just found a way, and I hope I will do justice to you. This post is lovingly dedicated to you.

Sadly, there is no easy way, or any easy words of comfort for these individuals and their pain is even greater than ours who, everyday still holds a chance that we could beat infertility but their hope is gone and some must now make peace with a life of not knowing what it really feels like to be pregnant. What their children would have looked like, their personalities, their career path, and this must hurt a lot. I know in very rare cases, women become pregnant well into their later years, but this is certainly not the norm and so these individuals have no choice but to embrace a life without biological children.

As if the above is not bad enough, these individuals still experience the emotional ups and downs associated with infertility. Mother’s and Father’s days are still difficult for them and they still do hurt whenever they see pregnant women and young children. The only part of this struggle that has been taken away is just the ritual of trying to conceive.

When I was struggling with infertility, there were many times when I thought that being a mother was not what God intended for me. As a result of this I would look around to see what I was good at, what I made an impact doing and made me feel alive, and most of all what gave me back at least some of the self-worth that infertility had robbed me of. I found serving others, (hospitality), and I thought well maybe that is the purpose God has for my life. As a result of this I threw myself into it, and when the compliments came, because I was doing it so well, I found I could not revel in them, as I honestly felt I was doing it as a result of a higher calling. I was convinced that this was the purpose God had for my life.

And so, I hope you have found your 'higher calling.' It cannot fill the void for children, it will not take care of the emotional pain that comes with being childless, but it should give you an outlet, it should give you self-worth. It should help you to get out of bed daily.

Remember you have the strength that most other women do not possess, as many could not deal with the pain of being childless, so consider yourself worthy, be it only for this.
I am sending hugs to you therefore, especially to a very special lady and gentleman, you know yourselves.

Remember also that there are still the options of adoption and fostering, if you want and until next time, may the peace of God enfolds you.

Image by:
http://images.google.tt/images?gbv=2&hl=en&sa=1&q=one+woman+comfoting+and+hugging+another&btnG=Search+images&aq=f&oq=&start=0

Cellular phones link to miscarriage

“Children are a gift from the Lord; they are a reward from him.
Children born to a young man are like sharp arrows in a warrior’s hand.”
Psalm 127: 3 & 4

I received an email a few weeks ago about a woman who carries around her cell phone in the pocket of her jacket. It turns out she kept having recurring miscarriages, as soon as she was three months into the pregnancy, she would miscarry. This miscarriage was traced back to the fact that because she carries her cell phone in the pocket of her jacket, the radiation from the cell phone has badly affected her reproductive system.

I have heard too that if we stand in front of a microwave, this can also affect our fertility becasue of the same radiation issue. My husband likes to stand in front of the microwave and whenever I remind him of this, he quickly tells me that the microwave has a protective film on the door to safeguard against this. I tell him to move anyway, because we are still not totally out of the childbearing age, so we cannot afford to take any chances.

I must say that the cell phone issue did get my attention and so I have decided to write about it on my blog because I know many of us carry around our cell phones on our person and therefore can sadly fall victim to this. Women are created to naturally to want to have children and so let’s not add one more issue to the many that currently exists, to ruin our chances in this regard.

I seem to have deleted the email, because I have been searching for it and has had no luck in finding it, or else I would have included the article with this post. There are also other issues in this article relating to cell phones, another of which is that, you should not allow your baby to play with these devices because this radiation can also affect them as they are still developing.

Since reading it, I have banned my son from playing with our cell phones.

Be informed therefore, and in the meantime, keep clinging to hope.

Naturopathic medicine and Infertility

“Children are a gift from the Lord; they are a reward from him.
Children born to a young man are like sharp arrows in a warrior’s hand.”
Psalm 127: 3 & 4

While reading other blogs, I found this article, by one Dr. James Prego, a naturopathic doctor.

From article:

“What many people do not realize is that 'infertility' is often like other symptoms such as insomnia, fatigue, constipation, etc. In other words, it is a sign that something is 'off' or not working as well as it should in the body. Many times, infertility is simply a result of a digestive issue, stress, improper diet, or some of many other lifestyle factors that can be easily corrected.”

Read on: http://www.wellsphere.com/complementary-alternative-medicine-article/fertility/756783

This would particularly be helpful to persons who have been just diagnosed with infertility even though it can be helpful regardless of where you are in your treatment process.

I wish my diagnosis was as easy as one of the above, since these issues can easily be treated and I know I would not have had to struggle for over a decade. Anyway, a popular saying goes, ‘what is for you cannot be ‘unforyou,’ and so I know that I was handpicked for my struggles.

Do you feel you have been handpicked for yours too?

It was immediately after a visit to an alternative medicine doctor, that I became pregnant with our son and so I highly recommend this path. I was getting weary of the infertility medications and their cruel side effects and wanted to try something more natural in nature and was happy when I was recommended to this doctor by a friend of mine, who was working for him at the time. I am so glad I went to see him. I would recommend this path to all who are struggling with infertility at this time, especially those who like me, is looking for something more natural and easy on their system.

Remain positive and until next time, keep clinging to hope.

When our children show up and we are 35...37….40…...

“Children are a gift from the Lord; they are a reward from him.
Children born to a young man are like sharp arrows in a warrior’s hand.”
Psalm 127: 3 & 4

I want to consider this part two to my last post “Our son showed up right on time.”

Due to infertility, many of us find that we are forced to become parents much later in our lives than we would have liked. Having a child is of course a very happy moment for all and more so for those who had to beat the beast of infertility. My husband and I were ecstatic, to say the least, when our little fellow showed up.

Then reality starts to kick in and we realize that there are certain challenges accompanying this little bundle of joy. We later find that it is not easy trying to keep up with them, because let’s face it we are not twenty-five or even thirty, we are ten years and counting older. Believe me, I am having those moments now because or son in so active. At church on Sunday, he made a dash for the gate and the road, I had to actually push him hoping he would tumble a bit and slow down so that I could grab him before he was through the gate and even with that strategy, he still got up and was still heading for the road. I managed to stop him, thankfully, but almost at the expense of my ankle, (but I was not even bothered by that because my ankle can be fixed but our son cannot be replaced). Someone who was watching the whole scene played out asked, ‘where in the world did he get that speed.’ It was truly a terrifying moment. I know many of you maybe fit because you lead a healthy lifestyle so you should not have any problem keeping up with your active child, but then there are others of us who find that we are not at all that lucky. I told myself that since I cannot afford to go to the gym, my son is my home gym.

The other thing is, soon we find that we are doing the maths. Let’s see when our son in eighteen, we will be this old, when our son is twenty-five, oh my, we will be that old and panic starts to set in. Will we even be alive to attend is wedding or see our grandchildren. The other day my husband and I were talking and I said to him, honey, because of this age factor thing, we will just have to make sure that our son gets into college early so that he can graduate and still have time to find is bride-to-be so that we can attend his wedding before we die and see our grandchildren. I know there are parents who are anxious for their children to get married and give them grandchildren, and I am seeing where we could be such parents, given our circumstances.

There is also another factor which we are currently facing now, where all our peers and family members had their children way before us and now they are grown and that leaves our son not much choice of children in his age group to play with.

I hope I am not scaring anyone and I am certainly not discounting what I said in my last post, that these kids do show up on time and so God who is all knowing, sends them to us because he knows he will equip us to deal with them. This equipping then includes the fact that he quickly reveals to us what we are dealing with so that we can prepare accordingly. My husband obviously was not prepared for such an active child because on many occasions, I have to rescue our son left in his care, as he gets overwhelmed by the pressure and falls asleep. I myself, at several points in the day do feel overwhelmed and actually can’t wait for the time when he takes his nap.

Have in mind also that you might want to give your child a sibling and with age already not on your side, you will have to do this sooner than later, if you can, so that if all else fails, your child will have their own little sibling to play with. This too will take the pressure off you from having to be his playmate, and lastly, that you might end up being among the oldest parents at the soccer games and dance recitals. When I realized that the years were passing by and my child was not showing up, I was a bit concerned that when they do show up, my husband and I will be among the oldest parents at their school events.

Regardless of all the above, I am eternally grateful for my son and I know you who have been blessed already are and those still to be blessed with children will be too, when they show up. Even if our son’s friends ask him at some point, how comes your parents look so old, I believe we will still be alright with that and hoping that he will be alright with it too, because children do get affected by things which are not deemed the norm in their little worlds (We are not the least bit concerned about that though, because we actually look half our age, so chances are we won’t have to deal with that, thank goodness for good genes).

In closing I want to add my words of encouragement as usual, do not be too concerned yet with what is contained in this post, just press on to your goal for now, a wonderful experience awaits you, one with challenges of course like anything else in life, but the joy outweighs the challenges by far and take comfort in the fact that God sends these little ones to us because he knows we can handle taking care of them, believe me, I am taking comfort in that too.

Until next time, keep clinging to hope.

Our son showed up right on time…………..

“Children are a gift from the Lord; they are a reward from him.
Children born to a young man are like sharp arrows in a warrior’s hand.”
Psalm 127: 3 & 4

Our son's birthday, June 16, 2007.

Recently, my husband and I were at the park with our son, while my husband was off playing with him, I was talking with a neighbor and upon realizing that our son was having a hard time trying to find someone of his age to play with, I remarked that this is happening because he came too late and that is the reason he is having a hard time fitting in with other kids, as most times he is the youngest child around. My neighbor said, ‘do not say that at all, he came right on time.’

It was only after my neighbor made that comment that it came home to me, what I had really said and I began to feel really guilty and ungrateful. How could I have said that our son came too late, when it was never in my power when he should show up. My husband and I did everything to beat infertility so that he could come, but it was really up to God when he came or if, despite our efforts he should show up at all. It is therefore, in my opinion never late when a child shows up.

My husband and I began trying for a child when I was twenty-six years old and when I realized that infertility would play a part in our efforts, at first I was not at all too bothered because I thought time was on my side. Unfortunately, the years began slipping by and soon I was staring right into the face of thirty-five when it is said that a woman's fertility starts to decline, and panic took over, as I thought forty was not too far off, the deadline which was said at the time to stop trying to conceive . Well I did it before forty thankfully. I conceived our son when I was thirty-seven and he was as healthy as could be.

These days, I think of how late in our lives, our son came and wonder if he had come when we were much younger, (say we were one of those very blessed fertile young couple) and he came the minute we began trying to conceive? Would we have been ready to be the parents we need to be to him. Maybe not and so I think God knew that and that was why he chose to put us in the refinery (allowing us to have to go through infertility, because believe me, it is character building), so that we could come out as fine gold, mature parents, who are far more equipped now than if we were younger and had not have to deal with the challenge of infertility, to take on the challenges of parenthood.

Many of you struggling with infertility at this point do have age on your side but many also are in a race with time, because your age is not co-operating with you. What I want to say to you such is, do not feel frightened, do not be dismayed, God knows what he is doing and he will send those precious little ones your way when he deems you ready for them. Sometimes we think that we are so ready for things but it turns out we are not as ready as we think. I would suggest not watch the age factor too much then, just continue to do all that is in your power to have your family and leave the rest up to God, who has final say in the ultimate.

Take comfort in this therefore, and until next time, keep clinging to hope.