HAPPY VALENTINE’S DAY!!!!!!!

Valentine’s Day has taken on new meaning for me since the birth of our son almost two years ago. It is such a beautiful experience as I am now experiencing a love unlike any other that I have experienced before. It’s the love for a child, bone of my bone, flesh of my flesh, a love that is so full, so complete and so unconditional. This gives me so much joy and I am much happier, more fulfilled and feel eternally blessed.

I believe it is indeed love that made this all possible and I cannot think of a better day than Valentine’s Day to say this. It was said that our daughter gave her life so that her other sibling/s might live. She purified my body of all the toxins brought on by my struggle with infertility. The stress, the depression, the fertility drugs and miscarriages. At first it was hard for me to see it this way, as I could not come to terms with the fact that someone so innocent, so pure and precious could be sacrificed in such a cruel way. It was only when I was presented with my beautiful healthy son, then and only then did I embrace the fact that this is indeed so. My delivery was difficult, yet he was resilient through it all. More resilient than I was, as I came down with a fever. Our daughter was watching over him. Our daughter gave her life without even knowing it, (and that’s the beauty of it), so that her brother could live. WHAT GREAT LOVE. That is why she is in heaven with the one who did it first for us all, gave his life so that we all can live.

I believe our daughter is watching over us and she lives through her brother, as one child could not be so smart, so innocent, so daring, so full of life, such a blessing to have.

We are not able to do anything fancy this Valentine’s Day because of the global economic crisis. I am quite alright with that because I have the two special men in my life and it does not matter if we go out or stay home. We still have a love that binds us all together, the love of family, to celebrate and that can be done without money.

Last year we decided to go out and took our son with us. Why we did this was because we found that he loved his car seat and when we took him out he would just sit in it very quietly and look around. We decided to brave it and take him with us to have dinner. He was quite alright, checking out the scenery and seemed quite happy with himself and so we proceeded to having our dinner, and thinking that we have the best son in the world. A couple minutes into dinner, lo and behold he started fussing, luckily a waitress was available and so she took him while we finished our dinner. Flushed with embarrassment, I finished my dinner, not even tasting it anymore (to think that it costs us so much and I was not enjoying it anymore). We finished our dinner, paid the tab and left quickly, vowing that we would find a babysitter next time. OH THE JOYS OF PARENTHOOD.

To all of you struggling with infertility and holding out hope that one Valentine’s Day you will be able to experience love of this kind. I cannot say it enough, DO NOT GIVE UP, keep on doing what you are doing and one day, your efforts will I am sure be rewarded. In the mean time for Valentine’s Day, you could do something special for another child, a needy child perhaps. You’ll feel so good about yourself and that will put a better perspective on Valentine’s Day for you.

AGAIN, HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY

My Infertility Story – Dealing with miscarriages cont'd.

As promised, here are some tips for picking up the pieces and moving on after a miscarriage or miscarriages, for you my readers who find yourselves in this position:-

Your miscarriage/s could be recently or a while now, but the point is, you never get over them and its worst if you have not had subsequent successful pregnancies, to take some of the focus off those that you have lost. If we were not blessed to have had our son a year after we lost our daughter, then I am scared to even think how I would be feeling now.

• With that said, what I want to say to persons dealing with miscarriages, is to grieve in your own way. Do not let anyone tell you how to grieve and when to stop grieving and move on. This is all up to you, or else you’ll find that you are not able to pick up the pieces and move on at all. I remember during my grief period, I took some time off from going out socially, as I did not think I would have been able to coop with normal life as it were. After a while, a friend said to me, Annetta, it is now time to come back out. I knew she meant well and I figured it was because I was missed, especially at Church, but I was upset as I felt it was not up to her to tell me when to move on.
• You also must cry, crying is good when nothing else can comfort you. After a good cry, you are left with enough energy to make it to the next cry. It is like a rest stop, it rejuvenates and gives you the resolve to forge ahead.
  You also need a support base. My family and friends were there for me in such an amazing way. My husband was phenomenal. Even my doctor was there for me too, he even called me on Mother’s Day, which was the next month. I was so touched by this. Grief of this kind, you cannot handle alone.
• Chances are you are feeling angry and betrayed by God. This is normal, as I felt that way too. Thanks to Dr. Dobson, his book “when God does not make sense,” puts it all in perspective for me. Just to reiterate what he is saying, we do not know why bad things befall us and it is not that we are targeted either. That’s just how life is. Why did my best friend have to die so tragically, or why is it your mother who is diagnosed with cancer, or why am I the only one out of five sisters to be diagnosed with infertility or the only child out of seven to get my father’s stuttering. No one knows, and the sooner we make peace with this, it will save us the energy we use to be angry with God so that we can channel that energy into picking up the pieces and moving on.
• You might also be having suicidal thoughts. This seem normal as I had them too and others I know of. My opinion with suicidal thoughts is that for some, they are just co-oping mechanisims and for others they are more than just that as sadly they are actually acted up on. When you have them you are actually picturing yourself dead and therefore rid of the problems that you face and this infact makes them a little lighter to carry for the moment. I find that soon after I had those thoughts, I was jolted back into reality, as I began to feel so guilty and selfish that I would actually want to put my loved ones through that kind of pain.
• If you feel you want to hold on to something from the experience, do that, it helps, it is comforting and the time will come when you can let it go. I chose to hold on to my shower items and after a while, I was able to share them with another friend who was pregnant. It was hard as I cried so much when she left with them, because I felt she was taking away a piece of my daughter.
• If you find that you are approaching the end of your reproductive years, and you have exhausted all your options, then adoption is still a good alternative. I know you might have contemplated it before and so it is now good time to visit this option. Adoption can also be a good option while you are considering your next plan, once you are financially able to do it. I am sure you will have a lot of love to give to this fortunate child who otherwise probably would not have it. I thought of adoption many times, I even went to the Agency for a package which turned out to be my security blanket, as I could not shake the feeling that I in fact wanted my own child.
• Most importantly, DO NOT GIVE UP. Just when you feel like giving up, that is when your triumph could be just around the corner. Many women lose a couple of pregnancies first before they have successful ones, so be encouraged.
  

Trials like these only come to make us strong and I am a testimony to that and I know you will get there too. Just stay the course, let the trials redefine you as a person, let them redefine your life’s purpose. Trust me you will be better off for it.

ALL THE VERY BEST!!!!!!!

In my next posts, I will be talking about my triumph, I cannot believe I am at that point in my story already and I am so excited to share it with you. Do join me.

My Infertility Story – Dealing with miscarriages cont'd.

“I was admitted to the hospital the next day and things got worse the day after I had given birth to our daughter, as there was this terrible feeling of emptiness that made me cry and could not stop. I never cried so much in my entire life.”

On my way home from the hospital, I began to do a mental survey of my medicine cabinet to see what kind of prescriptions drugs I had that I could just take and end this all. I did not feel like I could go on living, at least not without my daughter.
When I got home, I began feeling the real impact. Everything there reminded me of my pregnancy and I did not want to be there, but I did not want to leave either because this would mean me that I am moving on without my daughter, and I was not ready to do that, not just yet. It was still too fresh. My sister asked that she took the shower items I had as well, but I said no as I did not want to let go off them. I felt like having them there would give me the comfort that my daughter was still with me.
I began revisiting the prescription drug idea and became scared. What will happen when my husband return to work tomorrow, I thought. I did not trust myself at all to be left alone in this condition and so I quickly told him that I did not want to be home alone. He made plans for me to stay at my sister’s house for the rest of the week, where there was a housekeeper, which meant I would not be alone. I was relieved. The idea of suicide seemed oh so great but somehow I knew I did not want to go just yet as I believe there was still some purpose for my life and I know too that, should I make it through this, I would have a great story to use and encourage others.
I cried that whole week I was at my sister’s. I was so angry with God and felt so betrayed by him that I did not want to have any connection with him at all. How could it be said in Psalms 127 verse 3 that "children are a gift from God, they are a real blessing" and my blessing be taken away in such a cruel way. Bottomline, how can you give someone something and take it back, especially people like us who have been trying to start a family for now over a decade. I did not pray for days as I just did not want to be even in his presence. You know how you feel when someone you love hurt you, you are so upset with them that you prefer not to have any interaction with them at all for a while. That was how I felt.
A friend lent me a book by Dr. James Dobson, of ‘Focus on the Family’, entitled, 'When God does not make sense,' which I began reading from the day after giving birth at the hospital. In essence what this book is saying is that we have no control over what happens to us in our lives and it is not that we are targeted to go through certain challenges either. That is just how life is, and the sooner we understand this, the sooner we stop feeling betrayed by God when certain things befall us. I hate to say it, because I was so angry at God, but somehow this made sense to me and as I continued to read the book, (with no interruption from the outside world, as my husband had turned off my phone, for fear of any calls making me more upset), it began making even more sense. I then realized that I was not as angry with God anymore and I was not crying as much either. I began to slowly trust his heart again, even though I still could not trace his hand. I was able to put things into perspective that by the end of the week I was feeling so much better.
I did not stop crying or being sad after that week at my sister’s, as grief is indeed a process, but I was able to pick up the pieces and move on (slowly of course), but with each slow step, came a little faster one, until I was able to move on with my life in a normal way. Being mindful of course that I will face the same challenges, seeing pregnant women, children and it will be harder this time for me as I would be thinking how close I came to realizing my dream, so close, yet so far away. The expected date for the birth of our daughter was so hard for me as there was this strong smell of baby in the entire house. I could not take it, I cried for my baby until I fell asleep. I woke up the next day feel much better and something deep down told me that my triumph over infertility was sooner than I think.
A few months afterwards, I began feeling pregnancy symptoms and so I tested, the first test was not clear and so I retested, this time it was clear. I was pregnant again. I was excited for the mere fact that it is said that once you become pregnant it is easy to get pregnant again and also because deep down I felt that our breakthrough was near and so I wanted to believe very much that this pregnancy was for sure. I called my doctor the next day and went in to see him. He proceeded to confirm the pregnancy and found that the test was reading negative, shortly after that it was transformed to positive. We sat there and just stared at each other. I was totally confused and he seemed the same too. He did a scan just to see what was happening and sadly there was nothing there to indicate any pregnancy. I was even more disappointed and confused as I wanted to believe that the pregnancy tests were faulty and I was pregnant indeed. After a blood test, it was discovered that my hormones were again out of balance. I did not want to hear that again as I had been there and done that, but it was what it was.
When we got home that evening my husband and I just threw ourselves on the bed, exhausted from the events of the day and the past couple of months and feeling that our chance to have a family of our own was now totally eluding us. This was indeed a set back in our psyche and the emotions inside of me felt all too familiar. Sure enough I was grieving again for a baby I could have had, as a positive pregnancy result to me meant that I was close to overcoming infertility thus realizing my dreams of becoming a mom.
There was, thankfully, much needed distraction from this, as my husband had secured a job in another country in our region and our plans to migrate there was in high gear and so we threw ourselves into this even more, looking forward to distancing ourselves from this chaos and pain and continuing our lives where no one knows our story. I was so looking forward to that.
Two months after relocating, we realized we were pregnant and would go on to giving birth to our miracle baby, thus signaling our triumph over approximately a decade’s struggle with infertility.

To my readers who find themselves currently dealing with miscarriages, in my next post, I will attempt to give you tips on how you can pick up the pieces after these painful experiences and move on. Don’t miss it.