My Infertility Story – Dealing with miscarriages cont'd.

“I felt as if someone was playing a cruel joke on us and I was not amused. What did we ever do to deserve this, I thought.”

We were only halfway into our experience with miscarriages, with the worst still to come.

Approximately two years after doing my surgery and ten months after we had seen the female doctor, we realized we were pregnant again. We were on the brink of giving up hope as this was about four years after our previous miscarriages.
I was at Church one Sunday and realized that I was feeling terribly hungry and I had eaten breakfast that morning. I could not wait for communion to be served, as I thought even that little morsel of bread could indeed help this terrible hunger that was gnawing at my stomach walls.
I was expecting a period as well and it had not turned up as yet. Could I be pregnant? I thought, as I was also feeling a little bit queasy. I waited a few days to see if the period would show just to ensure that I was not setting myself up for anymore disappointment. That, I was certainly not in any hurry for. The period did not show, the queasiness continued and so believing that something was indeed happening, I did the test. I was pregnant and there was no doubt about it. The joy again was overwhelming and something about this one told me that it would stick around. I was however still very cautious.
I called my doctor the next day but did not get him and so I left a message, he returned my call after a few days and set an appointment to see him. I went promptly and he confirmed the pregnancy. He also did a scan saying he was not sure he would see anything, but as luck would have it, the scan showed the pregnancy with the fetus and even a heartbeat. We were so excited, and my doctor was too. The end to my struggle with infertility was surely in sight.
Having learnt from previous experience, we did not break the news to our family until I was about three months pregnant and ofcourse, they were overjoyed, especially my in-laws.
Each month that we went for our prenatal check-up was a triumph in itself, as the news was always good. We were having a girl, and we were even more excited.
Then round about the seventh month of my pregnancy, everything changed. Our baby was sick, she had developed a lot of fluid (a condition known as Hydrops Fetalis) in her little body and was given only a twenty percent chance of living.
We were crushed. It is confirmed, we are doomed to remain childless. We must have in fact done something to deserve this punishment, as this cannot be happening and not at this stage when I was already thrown a shower and had all my cute pink things to welcome my baby girl.
My doctor wanted to give us hope and so he told us that he was focusing on the twenty percent chance of life that our little angel had, and challenged us to remain positive. Bless his heart. I was put into the public system as he could not monitor my pregnancy anymore and on my first appointment, the doctor discovered that the baby had died. I did not know life as it were anymore. I was walking around like I was seeing ghosts. I was totally devastated and needed to know why this was happening to us.
I was admitted to the hospital the next day and things got worse the day after I had given birth to our daughter, as there was this terrible feeling of emptiness that made me cry and could not stop. I never cried so much in my entire life.

In the next post, I will tell you, (and I know you are eager to read it), how we made it through this very trying and dark time.

My Infertility Story – Dealing with miscarriages

This is, as you can well imagine, the most difficult part of my story to tell and I know I will be tearing up as I will have to relive the devastation and sadness to relate it to you. I am alright with that though, because as long as my story helps even one person, then it would be well worth it.
With that said, when I was diagnosed with infertility, I did not know that I would have had to deal with miscarriages as well, and in all honesty, I was not expecting to deal with any. It was while recently reading up on my diagnosis (Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome, as I still do so), I am finding out that there seems to be a higher rate of miscarriage among women with this diagnosis. Not that it would have made much of a difference had I known this before, as you cannot be really prepared for tragedies such as miscarriages, but I would have known to at least expect them.
As a result of this when I had my first miscarriage, I was totally devastated. I longed for the day when I would receive a positive pregnancy test and often wondered if I was so unlucky that the tests I bought were defective. This was seven years into my struggle and numerous occasions that I had tested. The manufacturers of pregnancy test must have seen a dramatic increase in their profits over this period, because of me. I was overjoyed, to say the least, when I received my first positive pregnancy result. I thought I was dreaming as my husband and I stood over the test and stared at it. It felt like Christmas. We hugged and I did not know if I was to laugh or cry. One thing I knew though, I wanted to climb on my roof top and declare to the world that we were finally pregnant. It was such a surreal experience. I remember calling up our family right away and telling them the good news, which I learnt very soon after, was really not the right thing to do. I also began planning my pregnancy wardrobe, the nursery, I was totally in ‘pregnancy zone.’
The next day I called my doctor, made an appointment and went in to see him. He confirmed the pregnancy and told me to come back for an ultrasound as it was too early to do one. I went back and my doctor did the ultrasound. He found the sac for the pregnancy, but sadly there was no fetus to be found. I really could not believe what was happening. How can there be no fetus, where else could it be, I thought. He seemed quite perturbed himself and decided he would comfort me by saying, "well you are indeed pregnant as the sac is there." Whatever does he mean, I thought, I don’t want to only know that the sac is there, I want to know that our baby is there as well.
I was diagnosed with a ‘missed abortion’ which is the term given to a pregnancy where no fetus is found. We were totally devastated. I cannot forget the look on my husband’s face, he was so distraught. He just stood gazing in space. I felt so helpless and sorry for him. Then it was time to break the news to our family. My mother-in-law would be the hardest one to break the news to, as she was ecstatic when we told her we were pregnant. When we did, I could sense the sadness in her. The whole feeling of guilt began welling up in me again that I lost touch of how I was feeling and began feeling that I had betrayed my mother-in-law, having lost the grandchild she had longed for, for so long.
I just could not function after that and had to ask my doctor for some sick leave. I stayed in bed and cried for most of the time, only coming out to study for an in-house exam, which surprisingly I passed. I could not believe it.
We managed to pick up the pieces and move on with our lives, ofcourse not giving up on our dream to have children. Shortly afterwards, I began feeling pregnancy symptoms. We did a test and sure enough it was positive again, I felt as if we had hit the jackpot, luck was on our side. I was in 'pregnancy zone' again and on an emotional high, only to quickly hit another low, when our doctor attempted to confirm the pregnancy and found out it was a ‘false positive’ one. We were not pregnant. He explained that my hormones were out of balance and that was what tricked my body into acting as if I was pregnant.
We were again devastated. I felt as if someone was playing a cruel joke on us and I was not amused. What did we ever do to deserve this, I thought.

We were only halfway into our experience with miscarriages, with the worst still to come.

More in next post, you cannot afford to miss it, or you’ll be missing out.

My Infertility Story – My infertility and my family cont’d

Wow, when I was diagnosed with infertility, I really did not know how hard it would have been to talk to my family about it, to secure the support that one would need from their family in situations such as this. I thought it would have been easy at least to talk to my husband since he is the closest to me, but sadly this was not the case. It was as my struggle progressed that I realized that I felt embarrassed whenever I thought of sharing my story with my family and became even more embarrassed as time passed, to the point that I did not want to try anymore. I guess apart from the embarrassment I experienced, I just thought they would not understand and would probably say things that would make me even more upset.

My recommendation for anyone experiencing infertility, and families who suspect that one of their love ones might be experiencing infertility…….

I yearned for the day when my family would start asking me questions about my husband and I having children. It would have made it so much easier to talk to them about my infertility, since the ice would already be broken. I waited and waited but unfortunately this never happened.
Infertility in my opinion is such a personal and private issue that they were probably having the same degree of difficulty reaching out to me, as I was having approaching them. Many times I would build myself up to talk but as soon as the time came, I chickened out.
I would suggest to a family who notice that a member is not having children after the necessary time has elapsed, (this is said to be two years, for some it could be more, unless they have made a public statement that they do not wish to have children), as some couples do declare this. If you see that these two years have now turned into four, five six, it is time to think that they might probably be experiencing difficulty in this regard. It would be helpful to stop all the ‘what are you waiting for to have children’ questions and comments and start moving towards finding out more so that you can begin offering your support, once they are open to it, as some persons still try to deal with issues like these privately. Let me hasten to tell you though, IT IS NOT POSSIBLE TO DEAL WITH INFERTILITY PRIVATELY. I tried and see the misery I experienced. I could not even trust my best friends, because of the same fear I had with my family, they not understanding and so I decided to deal with it on my own. BIG MISTAKE, I could have easily committed suicide and not be around to offer my help to others. You need people and especially your family, to help you through this, so allow them. You will be so glad you did.`
It is very important therefore to check for certain change in your love one’s behavior patterns, like sadness, depression and withdrawal. I thought it was so obvious that I was withdrawn, sad and depressed, but apparently I was doing a good job of hiding it.
I am aware that it will not be easy on you, the family’s part as well, as none of us are given a handbook on how to deal with infertility or other issues in our lives as they come, but we should be proactive and care enough to want to push pass all the hindrances and reach out to a love one in crisis. After all our family is the only constant in our lives and if we do not have them for the difficult issues we face on a daily basis, then we have nothing.
I wish I had the connection with my family for this to have happened. I blamed that however on our background, as some of us lead separate lives at some point in time while we were growing up and so that bond was never given the chance to develop. If it had, then I would not have had such a hard time reaching out to them for help and they would not have had such a hard time giving me the love and support I so needed. At times I wanted to be upset with them but could not, as there are so many factors at play in our situation of which we are all just victims.
Many families no doubt are blessed with this connection and I do envy them. Do not at all take it for granted, it can save your love ones’ lives. I am pretty sure you will not have all the expertise to help them deal with infertility, but together you can come up with the best possible resources to help them coop and they would have already been on their way to triumphing over their situation, the fact that they have their family on the journey with them.

GOOD LUCK!!!!!