INFERTILITY NEWS, FACTS AND VEIWS : Dealing with a miscarriage

A miscarriage is a very distressing experience to deal with, to say the least. When a woman learns that she has miscarried or is about to experience one, the first emotion she feels is shock, can this really be happening? I don’t understand, I took care of myself, I did everything right. Is this a nightmare, I really want to wake up now.

Some of the other emotions which immediately follow are anger, (most times this anger is directed at God, how could you allow this to happen to me, you ask), guilt, sadness, depression and difficulty concentrating. The latter is, I believe, why women are put on leave during this period, because they won’t be as alert at their jobs.

The bonding between a mother and her baby begins at the very first sight of a positive pregnancy test, therefore even if the miscarriage is an early term one, it is still devastating. After the initial emotions felt upon  learning of the loss, others such as fatigue, trouble sleeping, loss of appetite and lots of crying usually set in. Some women might even go to the extreme, like thoughts of suicide. like I did.

The grieving process then, involves 3 steps:-

Step 1. Shock/Denial – Is this really happening, I did everything right..

Step 2. Anger/Guilt/Depression - , Why is this happening to me? (And especially if, like me, you have had to deal with infertility) I came so close in actually realizing my dreams, I will be so sad and depressed for a while.

Step 3. Acceptance : Well, the Lord giveth and he taketh away, I might as well accept this and look towards a better plan he has for me.. Other women have experienced this and they made it through.

Please note,  there is no set timeframe for each step because you may suffer setbacks along the way. Certain things like baby showers/christening, visits to your OB/GYN, insensitive comments etc might hamper your grieving process.

It is important as you survive your miscarriage to  reach out to those closest to you. Ask for comfort,  support. and understanding. Surround yourself with positive people and seek professional help if necessary, for yourself and your partner. Most importantly, allow yourself time to grieve and hold firmly to the memories of your experience.; how you celebrated when you first saw the positive on the pregnancy test, your friends and family’s reaction when you broke the news to them and the attention you received as your pregnancy progressed..  

For couples, do  remember that women and men grieve differently. Women grieve out loud, while men will immerse themselves in work, just to not have to show how much they are grieving. Of course this can cause tension in the relationship and so it is important that both of you understand this.  To ensure that your relationship survive you have to then  be respective of each other’s needs, feelings and coping styles and most importantly, keep the lines of communication open.

Lastly, healing from a miscarriage does not mean that you forget the experience. It means that you refocus and regroup. You seek to find out all the details surrounding your loss. Study medical records and ask questions. Find out your chances for a subsequent successful pregnancy. If you had already collected items for your baby, seek out the best way to get rid of them. I gave my items to a friend in need and apart from the initial crying when she left with them because I felt that  I was getting rid of a piece of my experience and I was not ready for that yet, I felt good to know that out of this experience help was rendered to someone else.

There will be times when you feel sad and want to cry and others when you feel hopeful, this is perfectly naturally as the healing process is still taking place because there is no set time frame for grieving, just do not give up on that will to get better,

My sister, my friend, as you deal with your loss, my prayer is for God to embrace you at this time and give you comfort, understanding and peace..

Post image by: http://babyandblog.com/2014/01/coping-and-growing-how-i-survived-two-miscarriages-in-2013/

GRATEFUL WEDNESDAYS : “What is man without friends”

“Friendship... is not something you learn in school. But if you haven't learned the meaning of friendship, you really haven't learned anything.”

Muhammad Ali

Today I am grateful for my friends.

Our friends usually fall in categories, those who  are always around to laugh with and talk with, and when call upon is by your side in a heartbeat. Then there are those who are not always around but you get a fond hello from time to time, and those who  we  really don’t see at all because their life path takes them away from us, and then there are those who  even though we do not see them, when we speak it is as if we picked up  from where we left off, when last we spoke. I have one such friend  and she tells me  from time to time that even  though she does not see me much, she knows she is in my heart . Believe  me, each category serves  its  purpose in enriching our lives.

The other day a former coworker ran across my mind . (we are often encouraged to pray for people when they run across our minds).. I did not pray this time though, I looked in my phone book, saw a very old number I had for her and decided to call her. Turns out, it was her husband who answered. I was so elated because this means that I would get the chance to speak to my friend. I told him who I was and he did not hesitate to give me her number. I called her, she knew it was me instantly and soon remarked how my call had brightened her day. because she was feeling a bit under the weather, having recently lost her mother, and you know what, hearing how much I had brightened her day , brightened mine  too. I was so happy I made that  call.

We seldom tell the people who are special to us, how much they are  really appreciated and  so I am using this space today to salute all my friends and to  give God thanks for each and every one of them/.

The one who, even as I pen this post, is being used  by God to enrich my family’s life, in a way that only God himself could have ordained, I thank you and I am very blessed to have you as  a friend.

MONDAY RAMBLINGS: A Matter of Life and Death

As a child, I remember being terrified of death, If I heard of the passing of someone and worst, if I knew them personally, I would go into full panic attack mode, to the point where I felt as if I was dying too. As an adult, I confess that some of that is still with me, but now I have made my peace with death. After the death of our unborn child, due to complications from infertility, and seeing persons I know having to deal with death in such a personal way, got me thinking, well if others have to deal with this, why not just prepare prepare myself too, since death is as natural, a part of life as anything else.

My son, who is now 6, I am not sure how the issue of death came up, some time ago, but his dad told me that he witnessed him go into full panic attack mode and started shaking and crying hysterically. I thought to myself, poor child, he sure got that from me. I also remember hearing him tell his dad one day that he does not want to marry and then die. I am still not sure what he meant by that, but my guess is that, because we marry when we are older, death automatically comes quicker. Children these days are just too smart.

A classmate of his, from Kindergarten and now Grade 1, who has been ill and in and out of the hospital, since the beginning of the school year passed on Friday. We  are not quite sure what really happened, but he did surgery sometime ago and then recently he slipped into a coma and passed on Friday. My husband broke the news to me Friday evening after our son’s teacher texted him. As soon as he told me, he told my son, who was within earshot at the time. I remember reprimanding my husband for breaking the news to him in such an abrupt manner, as I think, a more gradual thoughtful approach would have been better. I watched carefully for his reaction and thankfully, he did not seem too disturbed,  he just responded casually, oh well, I guess I will have to tell my other classmates when I go to school on Monday.

                                                                                                    

While giving him his shower later that evening, I carefully brought up the subject again as I wanted to see exactly how he was feeling. He still seemed alright, but said to me that one of his classmates, after hearing that he was born in Trinidad, W.I., said that all Trinidadians were just going to die. He then said to me that what his friend said to him really got to him and I got from that, that he was in fact disturbed a bit and so, in an effort to help him, I said, well, Trinidadians are sure not going to die any more than the rest of us, as we all have to die one day. He quickly told me to stop talking like that and I dropped the subject immediately. The matter of death did not come up again for the rest of the weekend and he so far, still seems like his normal self. I am not sure how school for he and his classmates will go today.

I am not sure if we will let him attend the funeral though because that might be where he is impacted. I know his class might be planning to go, but I am not sure, his dad and I are still processing this, plus being hampered by the theft of the family car, that might prevent us from going as well.

At this point, I am more impacted than my son because it is always very sad for me when I hear of the passing of a child because I am thinking that this is a life hardly lived. He was just 7 years old.

Michael, may your little soul rest in peace.

image by: http://www.celtoslavica.de/chiaroscuro/films/matter/matter.html