GRATEFUL WEDNESDAYS : The Entitlement Sydrome…….

Today, I am grateful for Growth.

Yes, I had that syndrome, the entitlement syndrome, where I felt entitled to certain things in life and if I did not get them, no one around me could be happy.

I am sure many of us can recount a time in our lives when we had this syndrome too. We felt entitled to so much; everybody should know the difficulties we are experiencing even though it might not be as evident, but they should still walk on eggshells around us, so as not to hurt our feelings, and God help them if they happen to do so. We felt that  we are entitled to what belonged to our siblings and this included their successes as well and be taken care of by them, when that really is the job of our parents, up to the age of 18, and lastly, we felt entitled to be lauded over and be put on a pedestal.

 As for me, I felt entitled to be a mom, and was quite angry with God for the better part of my Infertility Struggles, Why not me? I often cried out to God, when everyone else around me was having this dream realized. I also felt that I was carrying a sign around that read - 'Caution - Infertility Struggles,' because I would get so worked up when persons said or did anything that hurt my feelings, even though some might not have known the degree of struggles that I undergoing.

Thank goodness then for growth, because it is with growth that we can look back at our past behavior and feel our stomach cringing. We feel embarrass for being so naïve and selfish. Guess what though, because we feel embarrass does not mean that our behavior was by any means off course. Turns out, this is the path that growth takes. How else would we be able to recognize and measure growth, if we are not able to look back and see where we are coming from.

It is quite normal to feel entitled, but among the things we should feel entitled to are, the need to feel loved, the need for food and fresh air. On another level, the need to be respected and the need to live quality lives, I could go on, and there would not be anything that says, the need to employ selfish and manipulative strategies to get what we want.

I am grateful then for growth

MONDAY RAMBLINGS – You must have a dream…..

As I sat yesterday in the commencement service for our new school year, I could not help the pride I felt as the representative for each school in our group of schools eloquently gave their reports of how well their respective schools were doing. Our high school boasted high passes in Mathematics and English Language in the CXC exams and declare that they are going after a 100% pass rate. I found this quite striking. Mention was also made of a special needs student who was successful in his GSAT examination, which had him placed in one of our better upgraded high schools.

The speaker at the service gave a message that was so relevant and timely, as he challenged us all to have a conversation with ourselves. We must tell ourselves, he says, that we matter and believe in our dreams enough to follow them to fruition. First he said though, that this can in no way happen unless we have a dream.

As far back as I can remember, I have always struggled with low self esteem. The conversation I so often had with myself was that, you are not worthy, you can never measure up. You will never be able to speak eloquently and fluently nor would you possess that which is deemed necessary to live a happy full life. Dreams I had, as I can remember daydreaming about one common dream which I can imagine many of us women have as young girls, marrying the handsome prince and living in the dream house with the white picket fence. The thing is, I started out believing wholeheartedly in my dreams, or else I would not have had them, but as my life unfolded and I became face with challenges, I lost that hope along the way. 

Thank goodness, I no longer think this of myself. Somewhere along life's pathway, my situations changed causing some dreams to be realised and dare I say, growth also happened, as I learnt to accept and honor myself for who I am. After all, no two persons are alike, what boring unchallenging lives we would have, if this was so.

I am happy I was able to make this change before my children came, because, what values as it relates to succeeding in life would I be able to impart to them, if I was still enslaved by this twisted, false value system that I had carved out for myself.

I celebrate with our schools in their achievements. No doubt it is because those who are entrusted with the well being of these precious lives are telling them every day that they matter and is encouraging them to dream big dreams.

Eleanor Roosevelt says, "the future belongs to those who believe in the beauty of their dreams."

Happy Monday all!!!!

SUCCESS COMES AT THE POINT OF LETTING GO

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I struggled so long to get pregnant and many times along the way, I asked myself why can’t I get pregnant, what is wrong with me, is God punishing me for un-confessed sins. I was miserable.

After more than a decade, my breakthrough came and it was at the point when I had grown completely hopeless. I had gone through terrible conflicts with my family fuelled by my infertility frustrations, had  alienated many of my friends and had now made the decision to accept whatever God had in store for me. I was finally at the point of letting go.

This is the point, according to a fellow blogger, when success usually happens, because we have lowered our resistance , thus making room for success.

What does this really mean? An excerpt from her post:-

“And then, just when I had made peace with my decision to move on to childfree, the "impossible" happened - I was pregnant. Why is life like that? Why did I have to get to the point of hopelessness before I succeeded? Well, my theory boils down to this: When you lower your resistance, you make room for success. So what does that mean? When you want something so bad, and it's not happening, you focus more on what you don't have instead of what you do have or what you want. You try to force things into place. When you finally give up, the flood gates open. Your dream starts chasing you instead of the other way around.” 

Read the entire post along with link to an article about ‘letting Go,’  by visiting the link below.

http://infertility-fertility.blogspot.com/2006/06/if-i-can-get-pregnant-anyone-can.html

Many nights I saw you……….

“Children are a gift from the Lord; they are a reward from him.
Children born to a young man are like sharp arrows in a warrior’s hand.”
Psalm 127: 3 & 4

“Many nights I saw you, I held you, you looked at me,
My heart melted, you were so real.
I woke from my sleep, you were just a dream…….”

The above is an excerpt from a poem I wrote to my daughter when I was pregnant with her. The rest of the poem went on to say how I waited long and anxiously to see her and she finally came, but sadly she was taken back from me because God wanted her more as she was just too beautiful. He wanted her to shine from heaven as one of his brightest stars. The poem is entitled “Heaven’s Star.” For our son, I wrote a song entitled, “It was worth it my love.”

When I was struggling with infertility, I had many, many, dreams of my baby. Some of them were so real that I could not wait to wake up and see my baby and when I awoke, I would actually be looking around for them. When I realized that it was just a dream, I actually became annoyed that I had awoken. I often tried to remember what these babies actually looked like but I could not remember anything of how they looked. All I could remember was that all the dreams had one thing in common, I felt so happy, so triumphant and so relieved.

Were these dreams telling something? Telling me to take heart and one day we would overcome infertility. That one day, I would hold my baby and my heart would melt, thinking that I am one of the most fortunate and blessed persons in the world.

I know this is not unique to just me, nor am I the only fortunate one to have had these dreams, many or all of you who are struggling with infertility is having them. I believe they have a place in this whole process as I do believe they make things a little easier to deal with, at least they did for me because when I had those dreams, I woke up, (even though disappointed that they are not real), feeling a little lighter and they did give me something to hold on to, even if it was just for a day. They also gave me new energy to fight on thinking that one day I would wake up and realize that it is not just a dream anymore but a reality.

So many more dreams to you. Chances are one day you too won’t have to dream anymore, you’ll wake up to realize that your dreams have now turned into a reality.

All the best to you and keep clinging to hope.

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