MONDAY RAMBLINGS – I am still Standing

This being my first post for the year, I want to give an update on how things have been going with me since I came out on this blog, to the world as a Stutterer.

 http://onereachinganother.blogspot.com/2014/09/grateful-wednesdays-on-self-acceptance.html

I did this not to gain anything more than that, I just want to accept myself for who I am, someone who stutters. I tried for years to do this, but I was not at the place on my journey yet to be successful at this. This morning, I came across this statement in my devotional .....”You are at the happiest in your life when you decide that your problems are your own." - David had to own his sin and continously admit his shortcomings for God to use him to become a man after his own heart (2 Samuel 12;13). - Stop blaming others and circumstances.

Not so long ago, I blamed God for causing me to be the only one out of my six siblings that stuttered. I blamed my family for not giving me the validation that I think I needed to better deal with this condition. As for my father, I blamed him the most since he stutters as well. I was angry for a long time. I refused to just accept the fact that this is my problem and I am the one who would have to deal with what it threw at me.

Well, my journey of total acceptance continues and I am happy to report that I find myself speaking more and more fluently now (I do have bad days, when I stumble and even fall, but I get up, brush myself off and keep chuggimg along).  More and more each day I find it easier to ask for assistance in a store. In times pass,  I would walk until my feet hurt looking for things. I am not as a terrified anymore of standing in a line at a fast food restaurant to order anything.  As for just striking up a conversation with a stranger, not too long along ago, the thought of that would give me a full-blown panic attack, Now,  I am the one starting a conversation.

This breakthrough for me has been a long time coming and it started from my victory over infertility. I just needed to claim this victory with confidence, and let it work in other areas of my life.

 I am certainly at a happier place in my life now and just the other day I was able to post on a comment thread for an online Stuttering Group which I am a part of, that I am no longer stuttering  as much anymore and I think it is largely due to the fact that I am at this  happier better place in my life.

Being a mom does contribute to this happier space that I am in. Yes I am tired and feel as if I have not slept in three years, but I am over the moon about my role and would not change it for anything else.

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Why Did You Choose Me?????

Our five year old son is very witty. The problem is though, there are times when this wittiness comes off as  rude and so we have been looking out for those instances and try to deal with them appropriately, because my husband and I are on the same page, where we have zero tolerance for rudeness from any of our children.

With this said, just last evening our son asked for what he called his favorite night time snack, grilled cheese sandwich. The thing is, early that day I had a mishap, which resulted in a spill, which resulted in the bread being wet. I only noticed this when I was making the grilled cheese sandwich for him and I proceeded in hopes that the toaster oven would dry the excess moisture out of the bread. He returned a little time after he received the sandwich and said to his dad and I, “It is like someone wet up this bread, and I do not like it.” The tone came off in a ‘just so you know’ kind of way. My husband glanced at me and said, I am scared of this little boy, he is just too smart and witty.

On two occasions he asked me, stopping whatever he was doing and looking eagerly as he awaits my response, “why did you and daddy chose me?” (I guess in his innocent little world, this is his spin to procreation). The first time he asked me this question, I could not answer right away because this is not a question I was ever expecting from a 5 year old. Anyway, I gained my composure and responded, “we chose you because you are a handsome and smart little boy.” He did not seem to have gotten it at first and so I repeated my response. Sometime after this, he asked me the same question and remembering very well my response from the last time, I answered him without hesitation.

While pondering how to formulate this post in the wee hours of this morning, I realized that I was by no means satisfied with the response I gave to his question. I should have told him more. I should have told him how difficult it was for us to have him and how God sent him as a special miracle and gift to us after a long time of struggling, at least the parts of our story that he can understand at this time.

Our son stutters. You might have remembered me mentioning this in a few of my past posts. Well, last night I dreamed that I saw him struggling to say something that he wanted to say so much. When I saw his face getting red and his blocking becoming more and more severe, I rushed over to him, cupped his face in my hands and whispered to him, you will be alright son, you will be alright. I picked him up and began to cry. I guess I was just reacting to the difficulties I had as child who stutter and just felt scared for my child, now that it is his turn.

I have been preparing him as much as he can understand at this age. I have asked him if he noticed that he speaks a little differently from his peers, I tell him it is called stuttering to which I give him an example, ‘it is when you are trying to say a word and it comes out like mmmommy.’ I have also been looking out for signs of him being targeted for ridicule. I am happy to report that there is none to date, and he does not seem the least bit bothered about how he talks. I am  comforted in knowing though, that with his sharp wit, whenever he becomes aware, he should be able to handle, much better than me, all that will be thrown at him, as a result of his stutter.

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