WHEN THERE IS BETRAYAL

 

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Some of the words used to describe betrayal are, disloyalty, unfaithfulness, treachery and infidelity. Many of us, I believe, have had to deal with betrayal of some kind or another and I know that it is very difficult (to say the least), to deal with.

Do we set ourselves up for betrayal? I think not. When a couple at the wedding altar professes their love for each other and their willingness to stick with each other for better or worse, and yet another couple dating, professes their love and commitment to each other day in, day out, or when friends from childhood share every secret and spend so much time together, are these persons thinking that perhaps one day they could be dealing with betrayal, even though, in the case of the marriage vows, the ‘for better or worse’ should  take care of this.  

People betray each other for various reasons: For a married couple dealing with the pangs of infidelity, it could be that there is something missing from their marriage. This void could be caused from a lack of communication and intimacy, leading to loneliness, a lack of respect, so many things. It could be also, that this couple is dealing with infertility and so there is this emptiness that they are hoping having children will fill. For friends, it is a little more difficult to pinpoint the reasons for betrayal, but one of the reasons that quickly comes to mind is jealousy, resulting in disloyalty, simply because one friend could be progressing in his or her personal life, faster than the other.

Can we safeguard against betrayal? is the next question I want to ask. We cannot stop betrayal, but we can certainly protect ourselves from it, to some degree. At one point early in my marriage, my husband and I were having a conversation about trust, from that conversation, I realized that he had put me on a pedestal and trusted me completely. I was honoured by this, but then became troubled. What pressure I thought, and so I told him how grateful I was that he loves and trust me so wholeheartedly, but being only human, I would prefer if he left, if only a percentage room, for my humanness, not that I had plans to do anything to hurt him. I would recommend that for all relationships, to protect ourselves against our humanness, we leave such allowances in this regard. It is important that we do not manipulate this to indulge in calculated actions of mistrust, or, because we know that there is this allowance, we think that we are not trusting as we should. This just has to do with the fact that none of us is perfect, it is all about our humanness and nothing else. Our marriage is standing the test of time, I believe, on account of these allowances.

Can a relationship recover from betrayal? This is the last question I want to ask before I wrap up this post. I want to answer this question with a yes. A relationship can recover from betrayal, no matter how bad it is, as I have seen where this has happened. I do believe that why some relationships do not recover, is because they are not given the chance to, as people cannot get beyond the immediate let-down, anger and pain that betrayal causes. As difficult as it might be, to do, especially when things are still fresh, I believe communication, if given the chance, can be the first step in this recovery. From experience, in my relationships, marriage and otherwise, I have seen where communication, not just any communication, but a honest, heart to heart one, does lead to the solving of various interpersonal issues, even very serious ones and can bring about forgiveness and ultimately renewed trust. It is important that the person who is guilty of this betrayal tell the other what is in their heart. What they are feeling. What void there is, that could have led to this betrayal and it is equally important that the other person listens without judgement and try as much as possible to put themself in the position of the offending person. I would not recommend that anyone play the blame game, because this causes some resentment, anger and defensiveness. However, If you feel the need to do this,  start by blaming yourself. See about taking owning  the part in the situation that you could possibly be responsible for, because as I mentioned in earlier paragraph, many times when betrayal happens, it is because one party is not receiving what they feel they are entitled to from a relationship and is therefore unfulfilled. This should lead to a better understanding of each others’ need and expectations in the relationship.

 Check with any relationship which is standing today and see if somewhere along the way, the parties involved never had to deal with difficulties, even to the point of betrayal and yet these relationships are still standing and growing stronger every day.

BE FULFILLED IN YOUR RELATIONSHIPS

Disclaimer: I am by no means a Therapist of any kind, but write solely from my own experience and the experiences of others that I am privy to. With this said, please do not hesitate to seek the intervention of qualified personnel, if you feel that your relationship is in need of such intervention.