FOREVER GRATEFUL!!!!!!

Since I have not blogged for over 3 months, I cannot think of a better way to start blogging again, than to say how forever grateful I am to God for his favour, in allowing me to become a mom.

These past 3 months have been rough, diaper changes, sleep deprivation, throat infections, homework, and did I say sleep deprivation. Sometimes I am severely outnumbered children to adult ratio, because on occasions my husband’s niece comes over. I could easily complain of being overwhelmed or even seem ungrateful. I choose however to smile and count my blessings until I run out of fingers and toes, because I know that all this is part of the package.

On the bad days, during my decade long struggle with infertility, I would feel such despair as I am forced to process the thought of a life without children of my own. Ever since the arrival of our daughter,  It has been very surreal at times as I try to come to terms with the fact that we are parents of not one, but two children. 

The other night after my son fell asleep beside me and my daughter lay snuggled to my breast about to fall asleep, I could not help the emotions that overcame me, and I had to give thanks to God, one more time for his blessings. No longer does sex for us, involves getting the timing right, to maximize our chances to get pregnant. (‘Whoosh’ that was a piece of work).

Last Christmas Eve saw us hurrying the children off to bed so that we could wrap all the presents and have them ready for those anxious little fingers to open on Christmas Day and then I was forced to appreciate more, the age old story of Santa Claus.

The other day I saw a friend that I had not seen since the birth of our daughter. After exclaiming how big our daughter had become, without hesitation, went on to say,  ‘boy, nothing before the time eeh’

So what am I really then? Even if I sound like a scratch record, or corny, because I have written many posts like this one before, I am just encouraging those of us who are struggling with infertility or other issues in your lives and have been seeking God for answers and is now thinking that he has forgotten about you, to take heart, he does answers prayers, but in his own time.

image by: https://www.google.com.jm/search?hl=en&site=imghp&tbm=isch&source=hp&biw=1280&bih=915&q=forever+grateful&oq=forever+gra&gs_l=img.1.1.0l4j0i5l2j0i24l4.1092.3796.0.6582.11.9.0.2.2.0.94.700.9.9.0...0.0...1ac.1.2.img.URx4HVGteiY#imgrc=rCjg6CrCiKTvpM%3A%3BwdgDlZM6fs8uuM%3Bhttp%253A%252F%252Fneedleworkpress.com%252Fsites%252Fneedleworkpress.com%252Ffiles%252Fimages%252F11%252Fforever%252520grateful%252520web.jpg%3Bhttp%253A%252F%252Fneedleworkpress.com%252Fnode%252F35%3B329%3B448

“WE ARE NOT EXPECTED TO BE PERFECT JUST TO BE WHOLE” - Jane Fonda

This being my first post for the New Year, let me hope that you had a great Christmas and is  having a blessed and prosperous New Year so far.

My New Year began with some lack of sleep here, some anxieties there, but all in all, a feeling of satisfaction that I have taken quite a few steps towards my quest for wholesomeness. My family is doing good. Baby LeeAnna is now 7 weeks old and has changed so much. She has the biggest gummy smile (so precious), and is rolling over and a lot more animated now. The weeks following her birth, were expectedly, some of the hardest. So much so, that by the time Christmas rolled around, I was suffering from severe sleep deprivation and anxiety to the point of tears. I remember thinking on a couple of occasions, who am I kidding, I am not supposed to be doing this at my age. I began feeling guilty that I would not have been able to help my family much for Christmas, in terms of cooking etc. Thanks to my sister and mom, who went far beyond to make sure everything was perfect. I have a great family and I love them dearly. I did not go out much for Christmas as the baby is not yet immunised, but so as not to be covered in cobwebs, I went to  Church on Christmas Day. I always love going to Church at Christmastime.

Our son is back at school today and he is not amused, because he wanted to remain at home with us. Everyday throughout the Christmas holiday, he would ask if he is going to school today. When he heard no, he was so happy. A couple days ago, when he asked the same question, his father told him, "no, you won’t be going to school today, but next week." He began crying in advance, “I do not want to go to school next week." and cried himself to sleep. He seem to have taken that from me because as a child his age, I hated school and would tell lies that I had tummy aches, just to have my brothers take me back home. One day I received a fine spanking for it and I never did it again. Our son loves his sister so much and gives her many kisses though out the day and if I am lucky, I get one too. Whenever he hears her cry, he comes charging into the room and tells her “never mind, I am here now.” When he wants his father’s attention and he is holding the baby, he says to his Dad, give the baby to mommy, Daddy, and come to me. He is just not always willing to share is Daddy’s time. Over Christmas, he said to us that Santa is not real. I was so taken aback and said to him, child, you are not supposed to be saying that at this age, you are cheating yourself out of your childhood. Bottom line is, I was not suppose to hear something like this from him until he was older. This is just a testament to the fact that, these are really different times.

Having more than one child is a beautiful thing, but as some of you know well, it can get challenging at times. My husband has been a great team player in this regard and I love him so much for this. Having two children feels so right, one to each parent. I can’t imagine having more than two, then, we the parents would be outnumbered. There are days though, when we do feel outnumbered because our son is so hyperactive. I just have to remind myself to take some time for a deep breath and do not subject myself to any high expectation, because parenting, whether you are a new one or not, keeps you on a learning curve as every child is different.

The other night I saw the quote, which I have made the title of this post, “We are not expected to be perfect, just to be whole.” It resonated with me strongly. I remember while struggling with infertility, and not just that, as I have mentioned from time to time, I do struggle as a stutterer as well, there were times when I felt so far from being whole. In fact, I felt inferior and inadequate. I have come a long way since then. I have now overcome infertility and where my stuttering is concerned, I have now found a support group and is sharing and learning from others who stutter and it feels so liberating, knowing that I am not alone or unique in my struggles. Most of all, I am now realising that there is absolutely nothing wrong with imperfection, in fact, it is a beautiful thing and challenges us to always strive to be our better self and keeps us grounded.

I hope this post will be encouraging to persons who have to chart their life course amidst struggles. Remember, we do live in an imperfect world and many of us live in less than perfect situations, which is really a testament to the fact that nothing in life is really perfect. Why then do we so often seek after the elusive perfection. Perfection should be reserved for God and God alone. Choose to strive to become whole then, instead of being perfect.

Catch you for my next post.


post image borrowed

IS IT WORTH IT?…………OFCOURSE IT IS!!!!!

Children are a gift from the Lord; they are a reward from him.
Children born to a young man are like sharp arrows in a warrior’s hand
Psalm 127: 3 & 4

"HOPE MAKES ALL THE DIFFERENCE"

I was reading a blog on my reading list the other day and the author mentioned that someone was questioning the fact, if it is worth it, after struggling with infertility and having a baby. The author of the blog, who had her brush with infertility as well, seemed quite taken aback and I was too and could even go further to say that she is a little bit ungrateful.

Her reason for thinking this surrounds the fact that she complains of being tired all the time from sleep deprivation, resulting in bags under her eyes, depression among other issues that she is facing, following the birth of her baby.

I hit the rewind button and played back my own experience in this regard, and could clearly see what could have driven her to b asking this question. I had my son through C-section and when I awoke from surgery and realized that I could not move, I immediately thought, wow, this is sure not going to work. How am I supposed to be able to take care of a helpless infant in this condition? Soon after my caregivers were telling me that I had to try and move sooner than later, so that I can begin to care for my baby. I thought to myself, are these people serious, does any of them even know the pain associated with a C-section. How am I going to take care of someone when I need someone to take care of me? It was very difficult to say the least, and it sure did not end there.

When we took our son home, we wondered when he would ever sleep through the night. We swaddle him, we fed him, we did everything we could to make him comfortable but he would still wake up every hour on the hour and very soon the bags under my eyes were big enough to become our baby’s diaper bags. I thought to myself, why did all these people who profess to be my friends and those who are my family did not tell me all that there was to expect? Why did they hide some details from me?

No one told me that I would be anxious and irritable and that my dear husband would be the one that this is taken out on. (He is a darling though, because he took it all so humbly and this is one of the reasons I love him so much). Then one day, it became clear to me. Not because I had struggled with infertility for so long would I have a easier task of taking care of a newborn. All parents go through this initially, until the baby settles into life outside of the womb, that they have been used to for all these months. No wonder some go past their due dates, because obviously they are very comfortable in there.

All that I am saying is, I could easily have asked the same question that this person asked, ‘is it worth it?’ and I am pretty sure, the thought must have crossed my mind during my most vulnerable moments, but I certainly did not want to anger God by letting him feel that I was ungrateful. It soon became clear to me though, every time I held my son in my arms and realized that it is not a dream, he is actually there, every time he looked into my eyes and I looked into his and for the fact that I had triumphed over more than a decade long of struggling with infertility, how could it be anything else but worth it?

I do hope this person gets a chance soon to experience these moments, to realize that she is indeed privileged and blessed to have overcome infertility, because so many are still struggling and so many still might not even hold a baby of their own in their arms. I sure hope she realizes soon how worth it all her struggles with infertility were and I do hope that I am encouraging those of you who might find yourself asking this question soon.

Be encouraged therefore, and until next time, keep clinging to hope.