FOR BETTER OR WORSE - Suporting your spouse during infertility

Children are a gift from the Lord; they are a reward from him.

Children born to a young man are like sharp arrows in a warrior’s hand

Psalm 127: 3 and 4

“HOPE MAKES ALL THE DIFFERENCE"

Guest Post by Brittany 

Infertility primarily refers to the biological inability of a person to contribute to conception. Worldwide it is estimated that one in seven couples have problems conceiving, and in America about 5.3 million people suffer from infertility, which tends to affect men and women equally. 

Infertility can be a huge obstacle for a couple to cope with, and it is absolutely critical for two partners to support and rely on each other during this trying time.

This post was written to offer suggestions for supporting your partner during infertility. Whilst every couple is different and your partner may respond to different approaches with varying emotions, these tips will help you be more responsive and sensitive to your partner's needs during an all-too-often disheartening time.  

Be Respectful of Your Partner's Feelings

Be respectful of your partner's feelings about infertility, even if they are different from your own. Both of you must recognize that you''ll have different feelings and different reactions at different times. If you expect your partner to behave in a certain way, you may create additional stress. Do not become angry, disappointed, or turned off to your partner's response to the situation. Rather, talk through your emotions and reactions together in a calm and supportive manner. Together, you should become informed about infertility and its treatment.

Worry About What's In and NOT What's Out of Your Control

Learn to focus on those factors which are within your control (for example, stop smoking) rather than those over which you have no control (for example, your age). Certain infertility causes are related to age, genetic inheritance, or anatomical abnormality--all conditions that you nor your partner can contain. If you spend your time and energy focusing on these things, you may devote less time and effort to constructive planning and coping. Furthermore, do not pressure or make your spouse feel guilty about a condition that they cannot control. 

Learn to Share Your Feelings

Sharing your feelings is essential when dealing with the emotional aspect of infertility. Don't assume that your partner knows exactly what you're going through unless you tell them. If your partner makes discouraging comments, try not to close them out. You may want to attempt to let them know how you feel and how they can help you. Your partner can't always predict your needs or what you are thinking at any particular moment. Try to identify your feelings before sharing them. Putting your thoughts down on paper is often a helpful exercise.

Be a Sensitive Listener

When your partner is ready to share their feelings with you, be a sensitive and compassionate listener. Be mindful of what you say to them, and do not make insulting or discouraging remarks. Your partner is already in a world of pain, and the two of you must channel support and sympathy for one another. Be aware of the fact that your partner may say mean, hurtful, or unusual things as a result of their shock and pain. Do not greet their animosity with more animosity--try to be gentle, compassionate, patient, and understanding.  

Become aware of your own anger directed towards your body and your partner. It is important to recognize its effect on you and your ability to communicate. Do not assume that you have to be a doctor or therapist to exchange effective dialogue with your grieving partner. Your gentle presence is often times what your lonely and afraid spouse needs most. 

Don't Be Afraid to Look to Others For Help

Many times infertile couples feel as if no one else in the world understands their pain. Infertility can feel very lonely and isolating, but it doesn’t have to. Support is available in many forms, online through message boards and chat rooms, through individual counseling, or group support such as peer-led or professionally-led support groups.

If you are experiencing signs of depression such as problems sleeping, eating, or concentrating, see a mental health professional. If the experience feels like a spiritual crisis see your rabbi, priest, or minister for emotional support.

Brittany Johnson is a guest blogger for An Apple a Day and a writer on medical transcriptionist training for Guide to Healthcare Schools.