I was embarrassed about my infertility…..

“Children are a gift from the Lord; they are a reward from him.
Children born to a young man are like sharp arrows in a warrior’s hand.”
Psalm 127: 3 & 4

When I was struggling with infertility, I was so embarrassed to the point where it cost me the support I so desperately needed from my family and friends. I simply refused to talk about it because of sheer embarrassment as well as the fact that I might be judged and have my intergrity and wholeness as a person measured by it. I was measuring myself by it ofcourse but it takes on a new angle when others measure you by your affliction. As a result, I suffered severe feelings of inadequacy, inferiority and felt that I just was not equal to those healthy fertile women who existed around me, who sadly, were oftentimes a reminder that my body was not functioning at it should.

I often wondered why my body had failed me, why it refused to work as it was created to. Was I an alien or something. Why was I not enjoying the previledges of being a woman. Many months I was not even able to say, I am having premenstrual symptoms due to the condition that caused my infertility resulting in very irregular periods. I actually envied those women who were having their regular cycles, cramps and all, because to me those were signs that simply said, yes, I am woman.

Not to mention those who were pregnant and glowing like a candle on a stormy night. Those were my worst nightmare. I oftentimes had to desperately try to disguise the fact that I was staring at them with longing and envious eyes.

I am not sure how many women are as embarrassed today as I was when I was struggling with my infertility, because thanks to the internet, there are sites offering much needed support and most of all there is a growing community out there of bloggers charting their daily struggles with this dreaded condition in an effort to find support for themselves and support for others who suffer in this same way. When I read these blogs, I realize one thing, how freely these individuals talk about their struggles with no embarrassment detected and so I know that this medium is helping them, because it does hurt to talk and to talk open and honestly about your feelings when you are struggling with something.

During my struggle I did not know that support existed by way of the internet. I did not even know what blogging was and so I struggled alone desperately hoping that one day I would find someone who was struggling as I was, to talk to. I remember there was someone who I learnt was having recurring miscarriages. I had great hopes of talking with her because I knew she was in the same pain I was in. It turns out I froze every time I had the chance to talk with her. Now I know without a doubt that it was God who brought me through.

I would therefore suggest to those currently struggling with infertility who are not a part of this blogging community, to join in. It can greatly help you because from comments seen, it is helping others. It also helps a great deal when you tell your story and hear these words, ‘you are not the only one,’ this is really comforting and assuring. I saw a quote the other day on facebook that said, friendship begins when you hear the words ‘you are not the only one’. It also helps when you do not have to talk to someone face to face about something you are embarrassed about or have difficulties talking about. This allows you to be more honest and real and does lighten your load.

I challenge you to get all support you so badly need and until next time, keep clinging to hope.

image by: http://brownsugarpages.files.wordpress.com/2008/04/embarrassed.jpg