HOW MUCH OF A GOOD LISTENER ARE YOU???

Children are a gift from the Lord; they are a reward from him.

Children born to a young man are like sharp arrows in a warrior’s hand

Psalm 127: 3 & 4

"HOPE MAKES ALL THE DIFFERENCE"

One of the reasons I kept my infertility to myself through much of my struggle, was because I was terribly afraid that if I talk about it to people, they would say things that would be upsetting and insensitive and in so doing, discount the pain that I was in.

On the few occasions that I tried to talk about my struggles, or people learnt of my struggles, there were comments such as:-

• You want a baby so badly, oh.
• She is over-reacting (this came about as a result of a conflict that arose in my family, largely due to frustration from my struggles with infertility)
• You are faithless and weak, and have no use for God, this is why you are going through this.
• Search your life to see if there are any sins that would be causing you to be going through this.
• Someone even said, if they were in my position, they do not think that they would be hurting so much.

These responses came about, I believe, because these individuals did not take the time to really hear what I was saying, to get the sense of what I was feeling and as a result, I was not given the support I deserved and was subjected to some rather unfair judgement.

My devotional today, speaks about listening and it is really because most of us do not possess proper listening skills, why we are not more successful and effective in supporting each other with issues that we face daily.

My devotional reading is kind enough, to give tips for more effective listening, and these are as follows:-

• Listen without interrupting – Resist the temptation to jump in and finish the sentence, or hijack the floor. Rein yourself in – just listen.

• Listen to understand – Try to understand the point of view, feelings, thinking and needs. Good listening is actually hearing what they actually think, mean or feel, not what you imagine they do. Instead of guessing, ask, ‘Am I hearing you correctly? Do you mean……? Are you feeling…..? In other words, don’t assume – verify.
• Listen without judging. Don’t rush to conclusions. If what they say does not really add up, keep listening. ‘He who answers a matter before he hears it, it is folly and shame to him.’ (Proverbs 18:13 NKJV). When you hear more it may make sense.
• Listen without correcting, countering or devaluing. Saying, You’re just being sensitive, you are over-reacting as this puts people on guard and stops real communication.

• Validate the speaker. Accept their perceptions and feelings as valid expressions of a valued person. ‘If I understand you correctly, you’re thinking….feeling….am I right? Ask them to help get you on the same page with them. ‘Given what you’ve told me, I can see why you’d feel what you feel,’ is very validating and will increase their confidence and willingness to consider the encouragement/ solutions you may offer.

I remember talking to a friend about my struggles with my stuttering, to which she responded, ‘No, you should not feel this way. You cannot allow it to get the better of you…..etc. She made me feel so uncomfortable, and made me also feel that I was making a mountain out of a mole hill. When I told her about all the injustice I had encountered over the years as a result of my stuttering, she backed off and started saying, oh my, I did not know, you went through all of this, I am sorry. Typical point to what is said above, about listening. If she had taken the time to really listen to what I was saying, which I am sure was conveying the pain that I was in, I am pretty sure that I would not have felt so badly, neither would she, to the point where she had to apologize.

I challenge every friend, every loved one of someone who is encountering challenges in their lives, whether it be infertility or otherwise, if you find yourself being honored one day, with them wanting to talk to you about their struggles, the above tips are sure to come in handy.

Be encouraged therefore, and until then, keep clinging to hope.