Living in a world and feeling like you don’t belong……..

“Children are a gift from the Lord; they are a reward from him.
Children born to a young man are like sharp arrows in a warrior’s hand.”
Psalm 127: 3 & 4

Persons struggling with infertility live in a world that is their home and yet feel like they do not belong and daily life becomes more and more difficult as they struggle to find places to go and company to be in, that does not remind them of their infertility.

This can certainly shatter your world and it is more painful when you have been dreaming your whole life of how you want your life to turn out, the handsome husband, the beautiful kids and the house with the white picket fence. Then reality strikes and you realize that this dream has now turned into a nightmare as you struggle to feel a part of a world that does not seem to care too much that your dreams have betrayed you.

There were many times in my struggles, when I felt like I would run, just run to the hills and hopefully find a cave where I could spend the rest of my life, with my only company being my self- pity, my pain, my tears and the creatures that makes that environment their home. Yes, it was that difficult. I was feeling so alone in my misery that a cave would not make much of a difference from how I was living every day.

I was angry at the world for shutting me out. I thought it was cruel, insensitive and selfish and at times felt like I did not want to exist in it anymore. There was nowhere that did not remind me of my affliction and hardly any company in which I felt comfortable being who I was. Even the company of my husband reminded me that I was aching so much to give him a family, a family I knew he would love and care for so much, because that is what he does best, love care and nurture.

I often wondered why God allowed this kind of affliction on mankind when the world is obviously not equipped to embrace and include those of us who find ourselves in these positions. You are expected to attend birthday parties, baby showers among other events featuring children and oftentimes have to actually will yourself to show up. I know many did not know the extent of what I was going through because as I mentioned in my last post, I could not talk about it, but the little that people knew and suspected, still did not seem to make much of a difference as it still fueled comments such as, ‘You want a baby so bad oh,’ ‘I do not think that I would be so upset about infertility,’ and ‘Why is she stressing out her family,’ among others (mind you, these are people with family). This is why I became more and more terrified to say what I was really going through to avoid worst comments.

I am wondering if I was able to talk freely about my struggles, what kind of support I would have received? Would I have been helped or would I have come out feeling still judged and misunderstood? This post is in no way one that is casting blame on people for contributing to the misery that I went through, because I know it must be hard to support people dealing with issues like these and worst if they are oblivious to this fact. Now that I am on the other side of the fence, I am finding it difficult, even with my experience, to support people currently dealing with infertility and so I know all too well that this is no easy task. I am just re-iterating the fact that the world we are expected to exist in, is not equipped to help us co-op with many unfortunate circumstances in our lives and so we ourselves have to find and employ the coping skills that we need.

Many of you know by now that I struggled for over a decade and so you might be wondering, apart from the goodness and faithfulness of God, what did I do for myself to make it through this. Well, after examining my situation, I made a choice to do more things for me and that included not being in places that caused me more pain, if it was at all in my control. There were times when my husband and I would just go out and have dinner and if I felt for the most expensive thing on the menu, as long as when the bill comes, they would not have to call the police on us or have us wash dishes, I would order it. I would now and then purchase new items of clothing and this was particularly around Mother’s Day. Then there were times when my husband and I would take off to the beach in the middle of the week (that is when we like the beach anyway) or just go out sighting seeing and then have an ice cream cone afterwards. If we could have afforded more travelling, then I am sure we would have done a lot of that too, because, believe me, those things helped in the chaos, that was my life.

I must apologize if there is a venting tone detected in this post, but today I was reliving some of the struggles I endured fighting infertility and was feeling particularly sorry for myself and others of you struggling in this regard and thinking how sad it is that some of us are subjected to this kind of pain and so, I am sending hugs your way, especially those in 'bloggersland' and reminding you that I am in your corner.

Fight on, though the road be rocky for now, who knows, the best part could be just around the bend and remember, don’t be afraid to employ your coping skills when the need arises.

Until next time, keep clinging to hope.

image by: http://images.google.tt/imgres?imgurl=http://image.guardian.co.uk/sys-images/Arts/Arts_/site_furniture/2007/11/23/alone460.jpg&imgrefurl=http://www.guardian.co.uk/music/musicblog/2007/nov/19/week&usg=__Xf3eLAyEqWGmqLUDDC

I was embarrassed about my infertility…..

“Children are a gift from the Lord; they are a reward from him.
Children born to a young man are like sharp arrows in a warrior’s hand.”
Psalm 127: 3 & 4

When I was struggling with infertility, I was so embarrassed to the point where it cost me the support I so desperately needed from my family and friends. I simply refused to talk about it because of sheer embarrassment as well as the fact that I might be judged and have my intergrity and wholeness as a person measured by it. I was measuring myself by it ofcourse but it takes on a new angle when others measure you by your affliction. As a result, I suffered severe feelings of inadequacy, inferiority and felt that I just was not equal to those healthy fertile women who existed around me, who sadly, were oftentimes a reminder that my body was not functioning at it should.

I often wondered why my body had failed me, why it refused to work as it was created to. Was I an alien or something. Why was I not enjoying the previledges of being a woman. Many months I was not even able to say, I am having premenstrual symptoms due to the condition that caused my infertility resulting in very irregular periods. I actually envied those women who were having their regular cycles, cramps and all, because to me those were signs that simply said, yes, I am woman.

Not to mention those who were pregnant and glowing like a candle on a stormy night. Those were my worst nightmare. I oftentimes had to desperately try to disguise the fact that I was staring at them with longing and envious eyes.

I am not sure how many women are as embarrassed today as I was when I was struggling with my infertility, because thanks to the internet, there are sites offering much needed support and most of all there is a growing community out there of bloggers charting their daily struggles with this dreaded condition in an effort to find support for themselves and support for others who suffer in this same way. When I read these blogs, I realize one thing, how freely these individuals talk about their struggles with no embarrassment detected and so I know that this medium is helping them, because it does hurt to talk and to talk open and honestly about your feelings when you are struggling with something.

During my struggle I did not know that support existed by way of the internet. I did not even know what blogging was and so I struggled alone desperately hoping that one day I would find someone who was struggling as I was, to talk to. I remember there was someone who I learnt was having recurring miscarriages. I had great hopes of talking with her because I knew she was in the same pain I was in. It turns out I froze every time I had the chance to talk with her. Now I know without a doubt that it was God who brought me through.

I would therefore suggest to those currently struggling with infertility who are not a part of this blogging community, to join in. It can greatly help you because from comments seen, it is helping others. It also helps a great deal when you tell your story and hear these words, ‘you are not the only one,’ this is really comforting and assuring. I saw a quote the other day on facebook that said, friendship begins when you hear the words ‘you are not the only one’. It also helps when you do not have to talk to someone face to face about something you are embarrassed about or have difficulties talking about. This allows you to be more honest and real and does lighten your load.

I challenge you to get all support you so badly need and until next time, keep clinging to hope.

image by: http://brownsugarpages.files.wordpress.com/2008/04/embarrassed.jpg

HEAVEN'S STAR

“Children are a gift from the Lord; they are a reward from him.
Children born to a young man are like sharp arrows in a warrior’s hand.”
Psalm 127: 3 & 4

Clare, here is the poem in it's entirety as promised.

To all others, this is a poem I wrote for our daughter when I was pregnant with her in 2006 -2007, but sadly we lost her.

This poem was meant to be a triumphant one, because we really thought we had conquered infertility at that time, but sadly we had to change it to reflect our loss.

Enjoy

Many nights I saw you, I held you, you looked at me,
My heart melted, you were so real.
I woke from my sleep, you were just a dream.

My heart weighed heavy within me for so long,
My arms ached to cuddle you,
To rock you to sleep, my love.

I cry myself to sleep many nights asking God, why me,
And out of the chaos, he seemed to answer,
Why not you?
Your strength is why you have been chosen, my dear
You will endure, just leave it up to me.

The years passed, I got anxious, angry, depressed,
confused, I couldn’t pray.
This waiting overwhelms me, Lord, I cried,
I am only human with patience no longer on my side.
Just a little longer, He seemed to say,
A thousand years to me is like yesterday.
There is much to be accomplished in you, you see,
And in the end, to me the glory must be.

And then, as He promised, it happened,
My heart leapt for joy within me,
As my burden of shame was lifted,
I could not contain my joy,
But my struggles were certaily not over,
As my testimony still must be greater.

Your chance of life on earth was slim,
And with a crushed, broken spirit,
I cried out from deep within.
I felt angry, betrayed, victimised,
And had thoughts of ending my life.

But God remained faithful and brought me through
And so I must conclude,

He took you back from me, my child

Because you were too beautiful you see,
He wanted you for himself
Up in heaven in a place,
reserved for His brightest stars.



SaraMarie, We love and miss you so much, but God needs you more in heaven than
we need you here on earth. Hope we will meet again someday my child. Thanks for coming into our lives, now we know why you couldn’t stay, you only came to prepare the way for your brother to come. And we truly thank you for that.

With All Our Love – Mom & Dad

Many nights I saw you……….

“Children are a gift from the Lord; they are a reward from him.
Children born to a young man are like sharp arrows in a warrior’s hand.”
Psalm 127: 3 & 4

“Many nights I saw you, I held you, you looked at me,
My heart melted, you were so real.
I woke from my sleep, you were just a dream…….”

The above is an excerpt from a poem I wrote to my daughter when I was pregnant with her. The rest of the poem went on to say how I waited long and anxiously to see her and she finally came, but sadly she was taken back from me because God wanted her more as she was just too beautiful. He wanted her to shine from heaven as one of his brightest stars. The poem is entitled “Heaven’s Star.” For our son, I wrote a song entitled, “It was worth it my love.”

When I was struggling with infertility, I had many, many, dreams of my baby. Some of them were so real that I could not wait to wake up and see my baby and when I awoke, I would actually be looking around for them. When I realized that it was just a dream, I actually became annoyed that I had awoken. I often tried to remember what these babies actually looked like but I could not remember anything of how they looked. All I could remember was that all the dreams had one thing in common, I felt so happy, so triumphant and so relieved.

Were these dreams telling something? Telling me to take heart and one day we would overcome infertility. That one day, I would hold my baby and my heart would melt, thinking that I am one of the most fortunate and blessed persons in the world.

I know this is not unique to just me, nor am I the only fortunate one to have had these dreams, many or all of you who are struggling with infertility is having them. I believe they have a place in this whole process as I do believe they make things a little easier to deal with, at least they did for me because when I had those dreams, I woke up, (even though disappointed that they are not real), feeling a little lighter and they did give me something to hold on to, even if it was just for a day. They also gave me new energy to fight on thinking that one day I would wake up and realize that it is not just a dream anymore but a reality.

So many more dreams to you. Chances are one day you too won’t have to dream anymore, you’ll wake up to realize that your dreams have now turned into a reality.

All the best to you and keep clinging to hope.

image by: http://images.google.tt/images?gbv=2&hl=en&q=young+woman+sleeping+and+dreaming&sa=N&start=40&ndsp=20

What scared me the most about Infertility

“Children are a gift from the Lord; they are a reward from him.
Children born to a young man are like sharp arrows in a warrior’s hand.”
Psalm 127: 3 & 4

Infertility is a scary issue to have to deal with and what scared me the most when my husband and I were struggling with it, was that images of us, old and gray and all alone, sitting on our porch with no children to visit us or call us to ensure that we are alright and was taking our blood pressure medication and keeping our doctors’ appointments, kept coming up in my mind and believe me, they were very haunting.

My Godmother had no children, I often wondered why but was told by her in 2006, when I had my miscarriage, that she suffered many miscarriages and sadly did not end up with any children. Her husband died many years ago and she was left alone. Many times when I would go to visit her, I could tell that she was sad and lonely and my heart ached seeing her in that way. She would just sit on her front verandah and look out and that for me was very difficult to see. She died recently and part of me was sad and part relieved that she no longer had to be alone. She is buried beside her husband and all I can think of is how happy she must be, now that she has been reunited with her dearly beloved.

As a result of what I saw my Godmother going through, it made me fight harder to beat infertility, even if it meant having just one child, or adopting, because I really did not want to end up like her nor I did not want my husband and I to be old and childless either.

Thankfully, due to the advancement in medical technology, many of us who are affected by infertility will go on to have children, and so we no longer have to feel afraid like I was feeling, that we will be old and gray and childless, that is if we do not resort to other alternatives of having children.

Having no pitter patter of little feet, or no innocent childhood laughter around was never the way I saw my life and so I feel eternally blessed that I now have these precious little indulgements in my life. I am a mother and hopefully will be a grandmother too one day.

Keep doing what you are doing for your triumph, don’t ever give up and I guarantee you, it will be all worth the struggle.

Until next time, keep clinging to hope.

Image by: http://images.google.tt/images?gbv=2&hl=en&sa=1&q=+elderly+couple+sitting+on+front+porch&btnG=Search+images&aq=f&oq=

Preparing your body for conception – A reminder

“Children are a gift from the Lord; they are a reward from him.
Children born to a young man are like sharp arrows in a warrior’s hand.”
Psalm 127: 3 & 4

image by: http://www.healthjockey.com/2008/04/08/maternal-care-during-pregnancy-the-ayurveda-way/

Fighting infertility can consume us to the point where other important things in our lives get forgotten or neglected, and this includes preparing our bodies for pregnancy. This preparation is vital for the health of your pregnancy and your baby.

When I was battling primary infertility, I don’t remember it being stressed to me that I also need to prepare my body for pregnancy. Maybe it was said, but somewhere along the line got forgotten. After a while, I remember hearing that I must take folic acid, at least 400 micrograms per day, which I did for some time. Sadly though, before I became pregnant with our daughter, I was not on any folic acid and still cannot shake the feeling that maybe, if I was on them, my pregnancy would have turned out differently.

Preparing your body for pregnancy also includes a proper diet. This includes avoiding beverages with caffeine and alcohol and eat whole grain cereal, bread and crackers, dark green leafy vegetables e.g. spinach and kale.

Please visit the following site or any other relevant sites on the right side of this page for more tips on pre pregnancy preparations for your body:-

http://www.parents.com/getting-pregnant/health/nutrition/health-update-are-you-getting-enough-folic-acid/?page=2

Hope this information helps.

Until next time, all the best in your efforts and keep clinging to hope

‘Beatitudes for parents’

“Children are a gift from the Lord; they are a reward from him.
Children born to a young man are like sharp arrows in a warrior’s hand.”
Psalm 127: 3 & 4

This was the daily devotion from my copy of The Word for Today Caribbean Edition, for Friday July 10, 2009. This actually caused me to think more objectively about parenting, as I found these so interesting and right-on, so I am sharing them with you all, especially those of you who are parents.

I know my blog is about infertility support, but as you can see, because I am also a parent, a new one too, who is open to learning something new every day, in an effort to becoming the best parent I can be. As a result of this, some of my posts will shift a bit to parenting, as you have already seen of some earlier posts.

“The following ‘Beatitudes for Parents’ were written 45 years ago by Marion E. Kinnerman, when her daughters were raising her six grandsons. They’re still spot-on!

‘Children…….learn……from their parents.’ Ephesians 4:1 TM

Blessed are those who make peace with spilled milk and mud, for of such is the kingdom of childhood

Blessed is the parent who engages not in the comparison of his child with others for precious unto each is the rhythm of his own growth.

Blessed are those who have learnt to laugh, for it’s the music of a child’s world.

Blessed and mature are those who without anger can say ‘No,’ for comforting to a child is the security of firm decisions.

Blessed is the gift of consistency, for it brings heart’s-ease in childhood

Blessed are they who accept the awkwardness of growth, for they are aware of the choice between marred furnishings and damaged personalities.

Blessed are the teachable, for knowledge brings understanding and understanding brings love.

Blessed are the men and women who in the midst of the unpromising mundane, give love, for they bestow the greatest of all gifts to each other, to their children and, in an ever-widening circle, to their fellowman.’

One successful entrepreneur said, ‘I may be a self-made man, but the blueprints came from my mom and dad.’ Bottom line” ‘Children…..learn……from their parents.’ What are you teaching yours?”

Profound isn’t it. I like the last ‘Beatitude’ a lot, simply because what is man without love and despite our accomplishments, we have nothing if we are not able to give love.

As for the rest, well lets just say, my stereo system is broken, the bedside lamps, broken and we went from three television sets to just one, which has to be on a cartoon chanel and heaven help us if we should change it to watch something else. My mother-in-law got a taste of this too on our recent visit, as he broke some of her rather prized items in her house. She seemed to have recovered from this rather quickly, I would imagine it is because she waited for him to come about for so long that she cannot afford for material things to ruin it for her.

We were really upset at first and thought what a destructive child this is, when he broke so many things in the house, but thanks to these beatitudes, I can now just smile and say:

'Blessed are they who accept akwardness of growth, for they are aware of the choice between marred furnishings and damaged personalties.'

........and let the verses permanently displayed at the top of my blog pages, play over and over in my head.

Until next time, be inspired.

How can a parent bury their child

“Children are a gift from the Lord; they are a reward from him.
Children born to a young man are like sharp arrows in a warrior’s hand.”
Psalm 127: 3 & 4

My post was supposed to be very different today, but after watching the memorial service of Michael Jackson, I had to change it because I just cannot concentrate on anything else.

His memorial service was lovely. He is indeed Hollywood royalty and a pop icon, but from just watching this service you would not know if you did not know him. I saw humanness, I saw the genuine, pure, unselfish love of a mother, a father, siblings, children, gripped by grief at the loss of their loved one and I felt as if they were normal people like myself who I knew personally. My heart went out to Catherine, his mother.

What played over and over again in my mind was how the parents, especially the mother, might have been feeling. I am sure she did not think she would have had to bury a child and many parents still do not think they will bury their children, because in the normal sphere of life, this should never be. My son was sleeping beside me while those thoughts played over again in my head and I just thought to myself, no, I could never do it. I could never bury my child. Think in our case where because of infertility, it was such a struggle to have this precious child, how could we bury him? My miscarriage was hard on us, it is the loss of a child that we wanted so much but still that grief I am sure cannot measure up to the loss of a child who you nurture and care for to the point where they can now take care of themselves. The thing is, even though they are now adults, they will always remain your children in your eyes.

A family in my church, some years ago lost their eldest child rather tragically. This child was engaged to be married rather soon and I am sure the whole family was looking foward to this even with much joy. I am sure the parents were also looking forward to the grandchildren they would later embrace from this union . I remember the day of the funeral the parents, especially the mother was so overwhelmed with grief. Usually it is the mother that seem to feel the pain more and this could probably be because we gave birth to these children and felt all the pain associated with their birth. I remember I was the one in charge of the decoration for this funeral and decided to leave them up for church the next day, being Sunday. After church had ended, the mother came to me and asked why the decorations were still up. I felt so embarrassed and bad that I had not used good judgment and was adding to the pain that this family was in because I should have really taken down those decorations right after the funeral. I did not get over it for days.

Parents, as you clearly see, there is no guarantee that you will not bury your children, but God usually provides the additional strength that we need in situations such as this. We therefore have to draw on him in these times to carry us through. I know this family did it and they are doing much better now. I also know that you never get over these losses and so, I am sure that they still continue to lean on him for strength to continue living.

In closing, I want to challenge those of us who are blessed with children to give them all they need to become adults, who will have good judgment and be able to make sensible choices in respect of their lives, so that they will not have to turn to other things to take the place of what they come up lacking in their lives, as this, as you can see, can sadly lead to their untimely demise. Other things can take them out too, but let us not allow these things to be the way they go.

Those of you who continue to yearn for children, do not let opportunities like this pass you by, learn from them so that when you are blessed with your children you will know exactly how to bring them up so that they can survive in this world that can be so cruel to them. Remember, we have to do our part in......."healing the world, make it a better place..........heal the world we live in, save it for our children."




Until next time, keep clinging to hope.

Pregnant and not knowing it?????

“Children are a gift from the Lord; they are a reward from him.
Children born to a young man are like sharp arrows in a warrior’s hand.”
Psalm 127: 3 & 4

How could you be pregnant to the point where you actually go into labour and have a baby without knowing you were ever pregnant. Sounds bizarre to you? well it does sound bizarre to me.

TLC has been carrying a series entitled, “I did not know I was pregnant.” I was watching a couple episodes the other night, all because I could not find anything else on television to watch at that time of the night. There were two stories about two women who had been pregnant and actually gave birth to healthy babies, who did not know they were pregnant.

Each did a series of pregnancy tests which came up negative, had irregular periods and even had periods during the pregnancy. They also had no symptoms of pregnancy which included no visible growth in their abdomens or fetal movements.

The rationale behind this was that some pregnancy tests done at home comes out inaccurate because the tests could have been faulty, probably expired. The reason for periods could be that there was some abnormality in the placenta and in the case of fetal movements, some babies are actually more active than some.

I am sorry I could not buy into all of that. I can understand the faulty pregnancy tests although it seemed crazy that out of doing a series, all of them could end up being faulty, unless you bought from a set at the store that is completely faulty, how unfortunate. In the case of the fetal movements, in my limited knowledge of reproduction I would think that whether or not a baby is less active than others, you should be able to feel some movements. I can understand the case of the abdomen showing no sign of enlargement because I have seen women who were pregnant and did not have a noticeably large abdomen. Those women are said to carry the pregnancy in other areas of their body, namely the back. Not sure how accurate I am with that. I can also understand the absence of pregnancy symptoms because a few lucky women, apart from the growing abdomen, have little or no other symptoms at all.

Of course I am happy for these women who literally one day woke up and found that they are the proud parent of a newborn baby, but I am sure you are getting that I am also annoyed. Well, my annoyance, apart from the fact that I do not completely understand how this could ever be possible, stems from the fact that when my husband and I were struggling to have a child, I remember seeing some episodes of this same program. Many months when I felt I could be pregnant and would test, even though I saw the negative result, I would hold on to the fact that like those ‘lucky’ women, I could still be pregnant. I would retest and the same negative sign would appear but I would still hold for dear life that I could be pregnant and mine could be just one of those cases, where I would one day wake up in the hospital with my child in a bassinet beside me, without knowing I was ever pregnant. Of course, this did cause me more pain and anxiety when I realized I was never going to have it that easy or be that lucky.

I would imagine I am not the only one who have fallen victim to this and would therefore like to tell TLC that this program does cause women who are trying to conceive more pain and anxiety, pain and anxiety that they surely do not need any more of. I cannot tell you not to air your program but just to let you know the negative effects it has on women dealing with infertility.

My readers, please let me know if this has ever happened to any one of you.


Your feedback is anticipated, and in the mean time, keep clinging to hope.

The gift – A parent’s love for a child

“Children are a gift from the Lord; they are a reward from him.
Children born to a young man are like sharp arrows in a warrior’s hand.”
Psalm 127: 3 & 4

Today this will be short and sweet.

Among the last words that Farrah Faucet wrote to her son Redmond, was thanks for giving me the gift of the love for a child. She was writing to her son who is in jail for charges relating to drugs and the fact that she can say this without any reservation is a testament to how forgiving, how pure, how powerful yet simple, a parent’s love for their children can be. I must say, those words went straight to my heart and my soul. What made those words even more impacting on me is that I can now say that I know fully well this love that she is talking about and I am very grateful that I have been given this great gift. When you are afforded the privilidge of having a child, this is indeed a great gift and one that should never be taken for granted. Notice the verse above that is permanently affixed to all my posts, a child is a gift from God.......Psalms 127 verses 3 & 4, well this is indeed so.

Michael Jackson, yes, I know his story has been playing out so much in the media and you are probabably saying, please, please nothing else about Michael Jackson. I will be saying something positive about the man, so bare with me. He certainly lived a strange and difficult life and had terrible things happened and said about him in life and now has even more terrible things being said about him in death. Amidst that all however, I saw a father who loved his three children, whether they be biologically his or not. I saw one video with him and his children one Christmas, opening gifts and taking pictures. I saw another of him feeding the youngest a bottle and yet another with his kids out in public and trying to protect them from the media. If I can use these images to judge that he has every bit of a father that he should be to these children, then I will. His actions were certainly those of a normal father I must say, nothing abnormal there. The only abnormality I saw was when he dangled his youngest child out of a hotel window to the paparazzi. That surely was poor judgement and could have ended differently. For someone who did not have a childhood and spoke of how is father abused him as a child, he has surely made up for that with being a good and normal father to his children. Michael surely experienced this gift that I am talking about, the gift of a parent’s love for their children and I am sure if, like Farrah, he knew that he was going to die, he probably would have written them the same letter. He is gone, too soon of course, but I am sure he is a better man because he is gone knowing this love, the love of a parent for their children.

It is certainly not fair for anyone who wants to have children to be deprived of experiencing this love due to infertility or other reasons. As one who thought I would never have experienced it, let me say I am in your corner, and you know that fully well by now. I know the pain all too well and let me say further that fostering or adoption can fill that void. I can imagine it might not be the same as loving a biological child but it should be able to fill that emptiness.

In the mean time though, keep clinging to hope.